Not much happened today. I spent the majority of the day on the computer just playing around. I tried feeding the animals one handed today and that didn’t work, so I know now that if and when I have to have surgery the family is really going to have to pitch in because I won’t be able to do it. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. I’ve gotten so used to doing that stuff around here that I think it will be hard not doing it. I mean, I won’t mind not doing it because I know if I have surgery I’ll be in pain and not want to do it, but at the same time that’s my job here.
I didn’t go to church today because in the middle of the night I started getting sick. I can’t even say it just started last night. I started getting a sore throat on Friday and it’s gotten progressively worse. But during the night last night I started this awful cough and got this pressure headache. Not your normal “head hurts” headache but more of a sinus pressure headache. It was hard to swallow, I was up because the medicine wasn’t working on my shoulder, and it was just a really rough night. When Danny got home this morning I tried talking to him and I barely had a voice. All in all, I decided it would be best not to go to church and spread all the germs around. I hate missing, especially since this was my second Sunday to miss, but I know no one would want me there and risk me getting them sick.
The biggest happening today was my quiet time. I have this schedule that gets me through reading the whole Bible in one year. It breaks it into epistles, law, history, psalms, poetry, prophecy, and gospels. Today I was in Romans 9-10. Paul is talking about God’s sovereignty in choosing who gets to go to heaven and who doesn’t. He hardens who He hardens and has grace and mercy on those He chooses. This was really hard for me today. It also talks about not questioning God for why He is doing it this way and that is doubly hard for me. In the grand scheme of things, who am I that I should question God. I am one of the ones He chose to have mercy on and bestowed His grace upon me. But why me? I know what kind of a sinner I am, a wretched one. And I also know we are all the same in His eyes. There is no one worse than another, but this is hard for me to understand too. God doesn’t measure sin, but we do. There are certain things in the Bible that I just don’t understand, but have been called to have faith in.
I think of family members and friends that aren’t saved. Paul says he would choose eternal separation from God to bring the Jews to righteousness. I can’t say I am the same way and that shames me. I don’t know that I could put my own desire to be with Him aside to bring others to Him. An eternity away from Him is the definition of Hell in my book. I long to be with Him now! However, I don’t have the love for people the way Paul obviously did. But it is something I desire to have, I think. I wouldn’t want to be dishonest in any way, so I’m unsure exactly how much love I want to have. Now in 1 John that would make me question if I am truly a child of God. Can I really call myself a child of God if I don’t have love for my brothers? I do love them, but I think they are talking about the sacrificial love, the agape love and that is what I’m lacking in.
But back to God picking who gets to go to heaven and who doesn’t…it really calls into question (for me) His all surpassing love. He if desires for none to perish, then why can’t He choose to have mercy on all of us? Would that then negate free will? I have free will and He had mercy on me and I love Him. I have come to know Him as my Savior and my Lord with my free will. Why must He harden people? Yes He used Pharaoh, whom He hardened, to show His great glory through the ten plagues. It was through Pharaoh’s hardened heart that these great miracles came to pass. However there is another great miracle when Jesus heals the slave of the centurion. The solider believed in Him and said all Christ had to do was say the word and his servant would be healed. Here is great faith and belief coupled with a great miracle. Jesus, Himself, said he had not seen faith so great in all of Jerusalem. So we have two different scenarios with the same outcome of a mighty miracle. One is in heaven today and one is not.
He is an all powerful God! I don’t doubt this for a moment, but I wonder why must free will lead to destruction of the soul? On some level we all receive His mercy because we don’t get what we rightfully deserve through our lives. Some of us recognize this as His all surpassing love and the grace He pours out on us. Others don’t see anything at all because of karma, or whatever they happen to believe in. I do believe there is enough evidence in this world to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt there is a real living God! I don’t see where others struggle with it or outright reject it. Why was a measure of faith granted to me enough for me to believe, but not them? He gives us all a measure of faith in which to call on Him and know He is God, but is it a different amount for each of us? If some require a bigger measure of faith, why isn’t it granted to them, or is it and in my finite wisdom (or the lack there of) I just can’t grasp it?
I don’t doubt God’s love for me. He’s proven it too often for there to be any doubt. If He loves us all equally, which the Bible says He does, then why are some chosen to perish? Why were they predestined to spend an eternity away from Him? Why was I predestined to be one of the chosen few to be called a child of God? I don’t presume to call Him into question, I’m not that arrogant. However, this is something that does trouble my heart. I want to be humble enough to take Him at His Word and have faith just because He says to. But in my free will I have questions. I know God told Job that His ways are higher than ours, so I have a feeling that even if He were to explain it to me, I don’t and wouldn’t have the capacity to understand it.
This is such a big thing to think about. I’ve been pondering it in my heart all day. I would think there is some answer out there that might be small enough for me to understand it a little bit better than what I do right now. However, just because it’s out there, doesn’t mean God will give me the answer. Sometimes (maybe like right now) I just have to be still and know He is God and know His will and plan is perfect for everyone. With all the questions I have right now, that sure is hard. If anyone has any way of explaining this to such a lowly person I would appreciate it. Maybe one of you has a better understanding of this than I do. I will look to the Word again to find His answer, but in the mean time, I will do as I’m told and have faith that He is the Potter and I am the clay. Therefore, the clay can’t tell the Potter what to do and how to mold it and make it. He is God and I am not (I’m sure everyone, including myself, is thankful for this lol). His ways are just and unfathomable. But I hope He doesn’t mind these questions that lay on my heart. I’m not questioning Him, but the way of it all.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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