Lots of Prayer

It’s another day with more stress. I wish things could just be normal for awhile. This is really starting to get to me. Just when I thought I was getting better I start backsliding again. I can’t seem to make Danny understand how much this “stuff” is stressing me out. He acts like it’s all going to be ok and I just don’t see how it is. He has so much more faith than I do right now. When Jesus talked to the people and told them “Ye of little faith” I really think at times like this He was talking about people like me. When I doubt Him, I make Him so small and He can handle anything, but I still can’t see how we are going to get out of our current situation. I need prayer, lots of prayer. I almost feel dead inside. That sounds drastic but I can find no drive for anything. Even now sitting here typing I feel nothing but stress and it kills the soul. Now I must wait for my pre-cancer test to come back and I haven’t had a clean test in three years. That’s not to say I have cancer, just the abnormal cells that begin to grow into cancer. I’m sick of the test, I’m sick of the waiting and wondering. I could have a surgery and not have to worry about that anymore but that seems so drastic. Yes, prayer, I need lot of prayer. Am I crazy to think that life should be easier than this? I don’t think so. Now all I can do is wait to see if this new medicine will help with the depression and I pray it does. I really think I should go get a job but I don’t think emotionally I am ready for one. But what do you do when your bills are higher than your income. I’ve given up every luxury that I have. No more ordered cleaning supplies, cut out the mail ordered make-up, and I cut the phone bill by getting rid of my iphone. I keep telling Danny we need to get rid of some of the horses but he won’t listen. Their feed is so expensive! We never ride and with my hip problems I don’t see me riding again. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be able to ride again, but is it worth the pain and possible injury again? I don’t think so. We need to cut our TV bill and I’m wondering if we need to cut off the internet. These are things I don’t want to lose but they are not a necessity. These are things that can all be added back when we are out of debit and able to make the payments. Sacrifice hurts but they are necessary. I don’t know the answers but I’m anxious not knowing. “Be still and know that I am God” is a hard concept for me right now. How do I be still when so much is going on and so much needs to be done. The stress is really too much. I envy the people who have such strong faith in times such as these. My faith used to be stronger than this and I wonder where it went. I know God didn’t move because He promises He never will, so that must mean I have moved away from Him. I don’t know when it happened, but I long to “feel” as though I am under His wings of protection. I have to keep telling myself the promises I know are true because it’s all I have to hold on to right now. But that deep residing peace that I used to have is gone. I feel as though I am that lost sheep He is trying to find and bring back into the fold. Maybe I am lost in the stress of life and people tell me how to be strong and have faith, but I really don’t know how. I will keep His promises close to my heart, but I long to feel His presence close to me again. I long to worship it truth, praise in truth, and come back to my first love. He is there waiting for me, I know He is, and maybe this is a time He is carrying me and I just don’t see it yet. I have a feeling that when I look back on my life when I am finally with Him, that I’ll only see one set of footprints in the sand. He must be carrying me right now because I know I’m not walking on my own. He is faithful, glorious, and holy. If I can just keep telling myself these things maybe things will finally begin to turn. Maybe I’m relying on feeling so much when right now all I have is the knowledge of His promises, but isn’t that enough. This valley is low and deep and I wonder when I will finally come out on the other side. “Lo, I am with you always”, and I will cling to that with all that I am because it’s the only thing I have to hold on to right now.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

"Ok" I say, it's just not true

Has your heart ever pounded so hard that your chest hurts? There’s a lump in your throat yet the tears just won’t come? Shaking so bad but you just don’t know why? The anxiety so overwhelming, yet there’s nothing to be anxious about? Just when I’ve taken a couple of steps forward, it feels like I slide back to the beginning. I’m so frustrated with all of this! I want to feel normal again, but do I really know what normal is? I have medicine I can take, but it leaves me in a fog so while my heart isn’t pounding, I’m stuck in an anxious state with a low hanging fog. Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I am thankful for what I have, yet not enough. I think people that can go through life, even with problems, but not need medicine, take much for granted. I miss feeling close to the Lord and so many times I wonder why He has brought me to this place. This lonely place where it feels like no one can understand me and I just want someone to reach out and make it all go away. Where do I go and how do I get there? They say when I look back, when this is all over, I will realize just how close the Lord was too me, but I just miss Him so much. I miss that fire that burned inside with His amazing love. I wonder what this does to my family and I would give anything to shield them from this. My friends don’t understand why I’m so distant and I can’t give them a reason why. I can pray everyone understands, but in reality I think they just look at me and wonder why I would choose to be this way when I have so much. The truth is I would never chose this for myself or for anyone else. Clinical depression is the hardest thing, I think, I’ve ever had to deal with. Everyone asks how I’m doing and all I can say is “Ok”, but I know that’s not true. I’m not ok, but no one wants to hear someone always say that everything is not ok. The doctors say I have gotten well enough to fake it, but what a horrible way to live life with a mask on every waking moment of the day. If anyone could see my pain it would break their heart like it breaks mine. I’ve asked Danny time and again, when this will all go away and why I must hurt so, but he has no answers for me. He longs for the real me to come back to him, but she is stuck somewhere and I don’t know how to find her. I want to breathe without an ache in my chest and swallow with no hurting lump in my throat. I don’t think I have asked for much, but much is required to be where I want to be. I do the very thing I don’t want to do, but I don’t know how to stop, so I just beat myself up with every step I take. I think what a miserable existence this sounds like, yet I have so much more to live for, if I can just figure out how to live that way again. I want to smile and feel it in my soul, deep down. I want to feel that residing joy that I use to have, desperately. One day, I keep praying that I’m going to wake up and I will feel the sun shining in my heart and know my day has come to live life anew. One day I will wake up with a new song on my lips and find that peace that I’ve been praying for, now for so long. My day will come when I will once again bring joy to those around me and not bring them down into this pit of mine. God will draw me out, in His time, in His own way. I must find a way to be ok until He does. He never promised life would be easy, but sometimes I wish it just wasn’t quite this hard. I know the world travels the easy path and the one I travel is narrow; I just didn’t realize I would travel a valley so low. Even though I don’t feel it right now, I know He is with me because He has promised He is always with me. Many of His promises I know and I cling to them because sometimes, it’s all I have to hold on to.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

He's Not Through With Me Yet

He’s not through with me yet
There is much left to do
A vessel that is still unfinished
Wretched all the way through
He is my only hope
For none is found in me
I have faith in Him alone
And all that remains unseen
I am a work in progress
Trusting in Him as I go
The road has hills and valleys
There is much I don’t know
The journey hasn’t been easy
Surprises at every bend
His face is always before me
The One I seek until the end
He’s not through with me yet
There is still much to do
But when He’s finally finished
I’ll be a creation anew

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Needing something to do...

It’s so great to have Edom back home, although it’s going to be a long healing process. Ciara still doesn’t know yet, but I think it’s best to keep it that way because all she’ll do is worry. I can’t imagine it will be easy taking care of a dog with a broken leg. There are so many pills she has to take and she is so use to being outside and now she is coup up in a small hallway (though it’s bigger than the kennel she was in). I pray we did the right thing by having this fixed though it’s a little too late for second guessing now. I still get angry thinking of someone shooting her. But it is what it is and all we can do now is move forward.

In other news, there is no news. Many people are saying I’m getting better and while I don’t doubt there have been improvements, I think I have just gotten better at faking it. I realize no one wants to be around a depressed person all the time. But the anxiety attack that I had yesterday just goes to prove that I’m not where I should be. I have found I do better around kids maybe because they come with no expectations. I still find it hard carrying on a conversation because for the life of me I don’t know what to say. People ask what I’ve been doing and all I can come up with is, “Staying at home.” Now there’s a conversation you always wanted to have! People want me to come over to their houses or come over here and I am just not up to that yet and I wonder how long it will take me to get there. The doctor says my expectations that I set for myself are too high, but I don’t know how to change that. I’m really having a hard time quitting smoking because, one I think I’m in rebellion, and two I’m so bored, but I don’t know what to do with myself. You can only type on the computer for so long before you get tired of it too. I guess it’s a good thing I can’t make myself take naps anymore, but I am having a hard time getting to sleep, then I want to sleep in late in the morning. I did better last night, but Danny was home so there’s no surprise there. I want to begin writing again but this writer’s block won’t seem to go away. When I look back over my writings it seems to be consistent that when I can write it just flows out of me and when I can’t there is nothing! I’ve a few pieces here and there but nothing like I want to do. What I’ve found is when I’m busy all I can do is think of great writings then I never get around to it. When I’m at home and have all the time in the world nothing will come to me. It gets very frustrating. Life is going pretty smoothly right now, which is what I need. I don’t know how I would handle a bunch of drama right now. There’s more than enough to keep me busy for a while, but once I finally get my house done I’m not sure what I’ll do with myself. I’ve thought about picking up cross stitching again, or learning how to sew, but what would I do with it and it’s not like we have the money to go buy the things I would need for it anyways. So many days I just don’t know what to do with myself. Right now I’m telling myself I don’t “need” a cigarette but I have nothing else to do. It’s just another day. Although, when I think about what our friends have done for us, no what God has done for us through them, it does make me realize how very much I am loved. I know I cannot fathom how deep and how wide His love is, it is there never the less. So what will I do with myself today? I will take care of the horses, rabbits, and Edom and I guess call it a day. I just wish I had something else to do….

Melissa Fitzwilliam