Lots of Prayer

It’s another day with more stress. I wish things could just be normal for awhile. This is really starting to get to me. Just when I thought I was getting better I start backsliding again. I can’t seem to make Danny understand how much this “stuff” is stressing me out. He acts like it’s all going to be ok and I just don’t see how it is. He has so much more faith than I do right now. When Jesus talked to the people and told them “Ye of little faith” I really think at times like this He was talking about people like me. When I doubt Him, I make Him so small and He can handle anything, but I still can’t see how we are going to get out of our current situation. I need prayer, lots of prayer. I almost feel dead inside. That sounds drastic but I can find no drive for anything. Even now sitting here typing I feel nothing but stress and it kills the soul. Now I must wait for my pre-cancer test to come back and I haven’t had a clean test in three years. That’s not to say I have cancer, just the abnormal cells that begin to grow into cancer. I’m sick of the test, I’m sick of the waiting and wondering. I could have a surgery and not have to worry about that anymore but that seems so drastic. Yes, prayer, I need lot of prayer. Am I crazy to think that life should be easier than this? I don’t think so. Now all I can do is wait to see if this new medicine will help with the depression and I pray it does. I really think I should go get a job but I don’t think emotionally I am ready for one. But what do you do when your bills are higher than your income. I’ve given up every luxury that I have. No more ordered cleaning supplies, cut out the mail ordered make-up, and I cut the phone bill by getting rid of my iphone. I keep telling Danny we need to get rid of some of the horses but he won’t listen. Their feed is so expensive! We never ride and with my hip problems I don’t see me riding again. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be able to ride again, but is it worth the pain and possible injury again? I don’t think so. We need to cut our TV bill and I’m wondering if we need to cut off the internet. These are things I don’t want to lose but they are not a necessity. These are things that can all be added back when we are out of debit and able to make the payments. Sacrifice hurts but they are necessary. I don’t know the answers but I’m anxious not knowing. “Be still and know that I am God” is a hard concept for me right now. How do I be still when so much is going on and so much needs to be done. The stress is really too much. I envy the people who have such strong faith in times such as these. My faith used to be stronger than this and I wonder where it went. I know God didn’t move because He promises He never will, so that must mean I have moved away from Him. I don’t know when it happened, but I long to “feel” as though I am under His wings of protection. I have to keep telling myself the promises I know are true because it’s all I have to hold on to right now. But that deep residing peace that I used to have is gone. I feel as though I am that lost sheep He is trying to find and bring back into the fold. Maybe I am lost in the stress of life and people tell me how to be strong and have faith, but I really don’t know how. I will keep His promises close to my heart, but I long to feel His presence close to me again. I long to worship it truth, praise in truth, and come back to my first love. He is there waiting for me, I know He is, and maybe this is a time He is carrying me and I just don’t see it yet. I have a feeling that when I look back on my life when I am finally with Him, that I’ll only see one set of footprints in the sand. He must be carrying me right now because I know I’m not walking on my own. He is faithful, glorious, and holy. If I can just keep telling myself these things maybe things will finally begin to turn. Maybe I’m relying on feeling so much when right now all I have is the knowledge of His promises, but isn’t that enough. This valley is low and deep and I wonder when I will finally come out on the other side. “Lo, I am with you always”, and I will cling to that with all that I am because it’s the only thing I have to hold on to right now.

Melissa Fitzwilliam