It's a Blinding Lost....

I wish I could say things are getting easier, but I can’t. I wish I could say I felt better and I’m seeing things in a positive light, but I can’t. I have some many questions that are racing through my mind with no answers to be found. I’m so frustrated right now and I can’t vent to Anita until Thursday. Speaking of Thursday, Ciara is going to start seeing Anita Thursday too. I think she’s to that age that she struggles going back and forth between houses and just other stuff that pre-teens go through, that I think she needs someone she can confide in. I think she will love Anita the way I do! The one problem is that while I vent to Anita, there are some things that you still don’t have answers to. It’s just waiting to see what God has in store for you. Today I’m anxious. I’m anxious for so many reasons...none of which I can share.  But I can tell you I have felt your prayers and they have lifted my spirits. Even with me being so low right now I take courage in the fact you love me enough to pray for things that are unknown to you but still concern me none the less. I’m encouraged by the love of God pouring through you all.

I’m gonna keep this one short because there are things I need to get done. The most encouraging news is I’m back to work after being off for a week. I missed that place so much!!! I know I have said it before but I love that place and also the people I work for and with!! I’m am doing freight now rather than selling out on the floor. I unpack all the clothes that come in each day and put security sensors on them and get them ready to go out on the floor. It can be a tedious job but I still love it. What I’m missing right now is doing some serious writing. I don’t write poems anymore, or heartfelt blurbs, and I rarely get to blog anymore. It feels like the writer inside of me is asleep. It’s not a good sleep, but a restless slumber that’s deep and dark. Now please don’t mistake this as a trip down depression lane! I think I’m just under so much stress that it doesn’t evoke in me the desire to write. And while I love work, I still don’t feel completely fulfilled. I think what I’m lacking is a deeper walk with God. I don’t journal my prayers anymore, and to be honest praying is coming really hard for me right now and has for some time now. I know Christ has torn down the veil that keep me from God, but it feels like there is this wall, maybe a ceiling, that makes my prayers bounce off and return to me unanswered. I don’t feel worthy enough to come to God right now. I know none of us are worthy, but this is something more. I know I’m doing a poor job at explaining it, but it’s hard to explain when I don’t fully understand it myself.

I need to just jump in and start prayer journaling again and doing my daily walk with Him. He seems so far and I feel so lost. It’s a blinding lost. It’s so foggy you are unsure what the next step has in store for you. After reading this again I think this is something Anita needs to see because while there is still so much left unsaid, I have explained it better here than I’ve been able to just sit and think through. I guess I need to get off here and call my ex so I can pick up Ciara tomorrow. She won’t be home long because she is going to church camp this next week. I pray she has a good time and finds a deeper walk with Christ while she’s there. Please continue your prayers because we’re still stumbling our way along. One misstep and I fear I will fall apart. Thank you for listening to my ramblings and also thank you for your prayers. I have faith that they are not going unheard.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

God's Great Love Poured Out In Visible Form!!!

It’s kind of a hard weekend…there’s been a roller coaster of emotions. I keep telling myself that God is faithful and His hand is guiding all that we do. But it’s been hard. There is so much that I want to share with you, to vent, but I can’t. The tears well up, but won’t come. There’s a knot in my throat that just won’t go away. It’s not like I’m trying not to cry, I just can’t. I hate it when it does that. I feel like I need a good cry and I’m wondering if my medicine keeps me from crying, but I’m not for sure. I need a shoulder to cry on but what I’m learning is there are just some things that shouldn’t be shared. So I cry (or read complain) to God. He already knows everything, even things I don’t know. But what I do know is no matter how are you try to hide a sin, God will bring it to the light. He is really working on us right now, and while I know it’s for His glory, it’s still a painful process.

I don’t remember if I shared about mini-church on Friday night, but it was a very uplifting time. Mini-church is a dinner fellowship we have once a month for the adults and we get together, eat an awesome dinner (this time is was potluck), and have a message out of the Word. This time we were sharing what God was working on in our lives. I’m not sure if everyone knows about our current problem in the church so I didn’t share anything, but I did cry. Not hard uncontrollable tears, but soft tears of joy and sadness all at the same time. The message really spoke to me and the people who do know about our current problem just rallied around me and let me know how much they love me and how they are praying for us both. The support there is awe-inspiring!!! The outpouring of love is humbling! It’s God’s love poured out in visible form. It is what we need at this point in time and it’s what we have.

Other than that it’s been a relatively calm weekend. I’ve just been spending lots of time with Danny and doing some deep conversing. We’ve shared much this weekend and actually over this past week. We’ve sought each other’s forgiveness in various areas and in many ways poured our hearts out to each other. Man, I have so much on my heart that I desire to share with you!!! But out of respect for the situation it’s just not something I can do. Just know we need your continued prayers!!!

Pastor Don and Jean are coming over tonight to visit with us for awhile so I worked around the house today. I got quite a bit accomplished, but not near what I needed to get done. I just don’t have it in me right now. I know they will understand. We also may have some of the other church people coming over to see us and I welcome them with open arms! The phone calls haven’t stopped coming in with words of encouragement, love, and support. They are touching!!

I would like to go swimming in our new pool, but it turned green yesterday and we don’t have enough shock to get it to where I can vacuum it right now. We have so many errands to run and appointments to keep and I start back to work tomorrow. We only have one car right now because Danny’s truck is being fixed from the hail damage. I don’t know how we are going to juggle all of this but Pastor Don has already offered to take Danny where ever he may need to go so that will be incredibly helpful.

Well I guess I better run because my man is hungry and looking for something to eat. I’m getting a little hungry myself…this is a rare thing now days as I’ve had no appetite to eat anything. I keep thinking maybe I’ll drop a few pounds like I need to, but this isn’t the way to do it. Know my love goes out to you all and my prayers rise to heaven for you. Thank you in advance for your prayers and know you mean so much to me!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Thank You In Advance For Your Prayers....

So I wrote a little something last night, but I thought I would get on here and thank everyone again for their prayers. What makes me sad is I can praise God in the good times but I have a hard time praising Him in the bad times. I keep questioning Him why these things had to happen like He owes me some explanation but He doesn’t. In many ways I feel like Job right now. We are going through so many hard trials (don’t get me wrong it’s nothing like Job went through) and I keep thinking why? Since I believe in predestination I have to know that God has this problem already worked out although I can’t see it. He is a good God all the time and He wouldn’t allow something to happen to us that won’t turn out for our good and that He won’t get the praise for in the end. I have to take courage in this because it seems like the only thing I have to hold on too right now is His love and promises.

Ok now in other news…I think we have decided to keep Hannah!!! She has found her way into our hearts and I just can’t bear to part with her! Our doctor tried taking her but I guess his dog about tore her up so he said it just wasn’t a good fit. She was so happy to be home and I missed her so much for her only being gone for two days!!! I think we are still getting Aniyah (the red doxie) and I need to start looking for her. I want to potty train them both at the same time! And I’m also hoping that Elowyn takes to Aniyah like she is one of her own pups. Also in dog news, Edom and Rukka attacked our neighbor’s dog yesterday!!! They really tore that little guy up!!! Our neighbor is so mad right now and to be honest he has every right to be!!! He has now said that if our dogs go on his property that he will shoot them. Again he has every right to do that and as responsible dog owners we have to keep our dogs contained within our property. So we have to go buy a big dog pen because we have three really big dogs. For the moment they are staying locked up in the entry way of the house. I have to say they really don’t feel like they are being punished because they are in the cool of the house rather than the sweltering heat of the outside sun.

Also….Danny has really been hurting bad lately. He struggles with debilitating pain on a daily basis. He goes back to see his pain specialist and they are talking about doing some kind of internal implant that will vibrate his nerve endings and that will take away the pain. To be honest we have heard some really bad things about this device. It’s battery operated and so every so often you have to go back in for another surgery to replace the batteries. Danny doesn’t want anymore surgeries and I can’t say I blame him. But they have to figure out something to do for his pain. He has decided that pain pills are not an option because they can be so addictive. I think he made the right decision but there has to be some answer out there for his pain. I pray constantly that God will heal him from this pain, but this may be the thorn in his flesh. So please be praying for his pain. He isn’t sleeping at night and is also keeping me awake as he wants me to rub his neck and his lower back. Poor baby, he’s being such a trooper trying to deal with this but I know it wears on him.

I guess that’s all for now. I’ll try really hard not to stay gone so long. I looked at the blog site and I only did one post in June and so far this will be my second one in July. I use to post 30+ blogs a month when I was staying at home! I miss it so much!! Now I need to get up and do some cleaning! The house is a mess and it’s my own fault. I haven’t used my washer and dryer very much and the laundry is piling up again!! I wish I was a clean freak, but alas that is not how God made me lol!!! I’m lifting you all up in prayer and my love goes out to you all!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

We Need Your Prayers....

We have been going through a really hard time lately. The evil one is trying to do a number on us and God has allowed for certain things to happen. We are learning that God is sovereign in all things though a times we really wonder why we must endure these things. I can’t go into details because it’s of a personal nature but it’s safe to say we need your prayers. Not just Danny and I, but our girls also. We are trying to stay strong in the face of adversary, but I can say it isn’t easy. I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me and I can’t catch my breath. I am happy to say that even despite all of the problems we have been going through my depression hasn’t gotten any worse, praise God!!!! However, I have had an amazing support system in our church family. They have rallied around us and kept us lifted up in prayer constantly!!! God has blessed us with them and I thank Him constantly for their unwavering love and support.

I could go into other things that have been going on, but there’s not much to tell outside of our current trial. I’ve had this whole week off to deal with this problem but it hasn’t felt like a week off. My work is being so considerate during this time and will let me take off as much time as I need to get things in order. It reminds me that God has me in the palm of His hand even when it comes to work. He has me right where He wants me and will work on me accordingly. I don’t just love what I do, I love the people there!! They are great Christians and they too have kept us in their prayers. God has led me to this job and I love Him for that. I try to recall a job that I’ve loved this much and the people I’ve loved this much and I can’t think of one! I’m truly content working and being right where God wants me.

Also please pray for some of our family members. They are not being supportive right now and some of them are being down right mean and spreading vicious rumors about us. If you hear of any of these rumors please message me so I can set the story straight. Things have been posted to facebook that should never been put on there!!! I can’t begin to tell you the anger I feel about this!!! Danny and I are both very upset over this!!! Some of the family has been very concerned and voiced their love for us and for that we are so thankful. To be honest it has been hard not to act on this anger but I know it’s not what the Lord wants of me or us. We have had to get to the point that we have to look past what people are saying and we are learning to ignore it. However, the girls haven’t been able to do that. The family’s words are hurting them and that’s another thing that makes this time extra hard. One of our girls has called a few people out on their post, but there are still things getting around that I’m not seeing. I just have to leave it in God’s hands and let Him deal with it.

If you have read this and are praying for us, I can’t begin to express my thanks!!! God will get us through this time, but we can never have enough prayers. Also know I am lifting you up in prayer also. We are blessed to have people in you in our lives!!! Danny and I both appreciate you all!!! If God opens an opportunity to share our current problem with you all I will share it with you, but for the moment I must respect my family’s wishes and keep it among us. Also please remember that if you do hear rumblings on facebook, please notify me. I would love to straighten out those who have the story wrong, but I will wait until they reach out to us first. I guess I’ve rambled on enough now with a vagueness that is probably irritating. Again thank you for your prayers and we love you all!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam