Misery's Cry

If you could see my misery you would cry, if you could feel it your heart would break. No human should have to feel this way and go through these emotions. How long shall I walk through this hell? How long will the dark night stay? How long will these tears rain down? How long can I endure this place before I completely break? I am so miserable I feel physically ill. I could get sick at any second and maybe if I did I would feel better. I’m so sick I can’t eat, I need to eat, but I’ll get sick; it’s a vicious cycle. I’m tired, so very tired, but eyes won’t close. If my eyes close, my heart rushes and sleep won’t come. My heart races so hard, though I do nothing. Deep breathing doesn’t help; it just makes the pains in my chest hurt worse. And the tears, they’re always endless. Sometimes they are dry tears and my eyes ache so badly but not one tear will come. Other times the wetness is overwhelming and I choke on them, drowning in them. And the screams, forever they are silent and only the soft pleas make it past my mumbling lips. My prayers are simple, to be well and to feel whole once again; to be over this brokenness and this depression once and for all. A simple prayer for faith to believe that this too shall pass and this misery’s cry isn’t here forever to last.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Unseen Battles

It starts out like the smallest aggravation. That splinter that goes deep and with each passing second, the pain and the annoyance grows stronger and stronger. An unknown well inside begins to bubble up and I know eruption; no the battle is near. Then a small explosion begins and grows until bombs are exploding all around me. Bullets of anger fly past me and some hitting me head on. I know I’ve been wounded. My broken life flies like fragments around me, shattering everywhere. I look around at the rubble of my life, everything in total chaos. Memories, no living nightmares, night terrors, drop all around, shaking the very foundation I stand on. The rain of pain begins and as hard as I look there is no shelter to turn to; no place to seek solace. Cries ring out from the past and the present, but who will hear then when the battle rages within? And if they could hear the cries, who would try to heal them? Who would enter such a horrific war zone and care enough to tend to my cries, my hurts, my unending pain, when it appears that I am a lost cause? I try to pick my way through the destruction of my life, but all looks foreign, I’m lost. It is hopeless surrounded by the high walls that seem on the verge of falling on me and finally crushing what little of me remains. This war has been hard and I haven’t weathered it well. Bombs exploded in my mind one after another as the rage pours out. The battles never totally stop, but momentarily quite for the sake of what little sanity I cling to. I try to hold on so desperately, but I grow so tired. I am battle-weary, to the very core. But we all know that while they may be still for the moment, they wait for my weakest point to return and to destroy all it can. This war has lasted so long and I don’t know how much more I can take. The memories that barrage me all the time, the knowing of all of my failings, all that I have let down, there is just no respite. All I have ever attained to be, I’ll never come close to being because of my unlimited imperfections. How long will this war last, how do I survive the battles, and in the end what is to become of me?

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A Treading Casualty

Surely I will drown. No one can save me and I am not willing to save myself. I am caught in a riptide of my anger and the undertow of my sorrow is pulling me under. Waves of panic tower over me and come crashing down. I choke on the sea of my salty tears as they rain down, rarely ceasing. I gasp for air as I fight to keep my head above the waters that are sucking me under. My bitterness weighs me down, making the attempt of treading these waters near impossible. I can’t swim in my emotional sea and I am doomed to be the next victim, the next tragedy of a past that couldn’t be reckoned with. I tell myself to just breathe but my chest is too heavy under these turbulent waters. The storm rages and so do I. The clouds rain down their sadness and so do I. And I see You standing there along the shore waiting to rescue me. You long to be my safe harbor but I won’t let You. I refuse to let go of the very thing that is sure to kill me. Why do I attempt to tread these dark waters without You is beyond me, yet that is exactly what I choose to do. I am jaded and apathetic towards help because I can’t see the bigger picture. I look at authority and laugh in its face. They forced me against my will so long ago, and I refused to be forced again, even if it’s only for my good and because they love me. I will do the very thing You tell me not to do, I will do the very thing that breaks Your heart because right now I am controlled only by my hatred of injustice. They each went free, they each live a life unpunished, while I am forced to live a life in shame. Could I let You take that shame from me? Sure, but I don’t know how and right now I don’t know if I’m ready. I think my anger is justified, yet then Yours should be too. I am a casualty of my fate, but only because I choose to be. Freedom seems like some sick joke that those are free choose to use to taunt those of us that are chained like dogs to our past. Who can swim in chains? Not me. What shall I do then? I have confessed much with no promise to do anything about it. So chains of a tormenting past, pain of shame, anger of injustice, is what I will wear as I am pulled under. Surely the riptide will shred me to pieces, while the undertow pulls me down piece by broken piece. And You, my Safe Harbor, will stand there and cry with me longing to rescue me, always reaching out to give me a reprieve from all of me and all of them. The only question is will I choose to be a casualty or will I reach out and take Your hand and finally find the love that can save me from all of this and all of me that I would choose not to be?

Melissa Fitzwilliam

The Beginning of Life’s True Fairy Tale

How were we lucky enough to find each other in this maze we call life? How did I catch your eye as I walked into the room? What was it about you that made the world stand still? How is it that in a room crowded with so many people, that my eyes only found you? Was it that impish smile that spoke of a boyish charm? Was it your amazing blue eyes that spoke of a warmth I had been searching for all my life and never found? Was it the way you carried yourself with ease, self-assurance, yet humble in spirit? Was it your promise of a dance, yet not knowing that you didn’t dance at all? Was it the way you followed behind me with every step I took, or the way your eyes followed me and saw right to the heart of me? How is it that, when you never spoke a word, your spirit spoke so eloquently to mine? How could I see forever in a moment, just by glimpsing into your eyes? How was I assured of the promise of a love so sweet, a love so pure, a love only found within your embrace? How did I know, in that instant, that you were the one I had been waiting for my whole life? How was it that I realized that while I had spoke of love before you, now knew I had never experienced the love that stories are made of, one that was destined to be the fairy tale I had dreamed of? Now I look back and wonder how was a love so strong was found in one glance? In a moment, in the blink of beautiful eyes, life was forever changed. The sun glistened and the wind was gentle, just the way a fairy tale should begin. She walks in the door and he sees her across the room. Their eyes meet and a spark ignites. Their incomplete souls have been searching and in an instant they found what they have been longing for. I wonder if you were able to hush the din surrounding them, if you could hear their hearts calling out to each other? I wonder if you could hear her saying, “I’m searching for another heart where my heart can be at home,” and his saying in return, “then come home, come home with me.” It sounds like the beginning of an epic love story and it is. It is our love story that is true. Ours is a love that the writers long to pen, but could never dream of a love so grand, so profound. Ours is the love that the songs are sung for, yet never found. It has its highs and lows, but at the end of the day, we always come back together. Life has given us trials that would have broken other great loves, yet our love is stronger still. It’s a love that I could spend forever trying to put into words, or just spend forever basking in a love that found us by surprise. The only thing that surprises me now is I see other loves fade, yet ours just grows stronger with each passing day. Was it luck that we found each other in this maze of life? Was it destiny that the fringes of our lives brushed past each other for a moment and collided headlong into love? Why question how it all unfolded and folded us in? All we need to know is we were blessed in this life, to be chosen as a part of the precious few to find a love that fairy tales are made of. Forever found in a moment, a love meant to be, this is the life story for you and me.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Prayer

The beauty of prayer; it's the simplest thing we can do, it's the most powerful thing we have, God always hears us, and He never fails to answer us! Most importantly it's all we really need and all we really have.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

The Road We Walk

I remember when we walked hand in hand and had the most profound talks. I would look in Your eyes longing to know You more, and knowing I would because You wanted it too. I hung on Your every Word, loving all You said and how You said it. Every once in a while we would stop walking and just survey all that was around us, how it spoke of Your glory, and testified to Your love. I would sit at Your feet and look up at You in adoration, listening to every story and seeing You weave perfection in Your divine will. While we walked, for just a moment I let go of Your hand and looked at another road traveling in a different direction than You and I were heading. I asked You about it, and You told me there were things yet to see on the road we traveled together. But I wanted to go down and just take a peek of where the other road headed and what was on it, but You stayed on the smaller, narrower path. I wasn’t planning on going far, just around the corner, and all of a sudden I couldn’t see You anymore. I could hear Your voice calling my name in the distance, but turning that corner brought me to a maze and I couldn’t find my way back to You. It was dark and lonely. A haze descended and the fog enveloped me and I couldn’t see where I was or where I was headed. I knew You would want me to move, but I was too scared to take another step without You by my side. Murkiness swirled around me and I could no longer see the sun, I could no longer see the Son. A storm was brewing, my heart heavy with tears and my arms yearning to find You, and then the flood of emotions burst forth. I couldn’t hear Your voice anymore and I longed to have You by my side, holding hands again. I was lost and I didn’t know how to be found. I sat and cried in my maze in the valley because You weren’t there to carry me, like You had so many times on Your road, when I grew tired. How long I stayed I could not say, but however long, it was too long. My head was hung in shame because You asked me to stay and I looked the other way. As I sat there in my brokenness I felt hands gently clasp my face and lift it up. There You were and I looked in Your eyes and knew it would all be ok. I asked how You had found me, when I didn’t know how to be found. You said that while I had taken my eyes off of you, Your eyes still saw me because You never looked away from me. I asked how long I had been here and You said it didn’t matter because You were taking me back to where I belonged. You lifted me in Your arms and carried me all the way back. I thought I had disappointed You but You were so happy to have me back. You set me down, but took my hand and asked if I’d like to continue along with You. I was in awe of what You would do just to have me walking with You again. You told me about how much You missed me and how You would have walked any distance just to get me back. I blinked back my tears. Me? The one that left You behind? You tried to explain to me the depths of Your love, but knowing I could never understand it’s vastness You wrapped Your arms around me instead. You told me of the journey we had ahead of us, one with unexpected twists and turns, but the constant of You, forever being by my side. There will be many other roads that we will pass along our way, but none can offer me anything that I could truly want. For all I truly desire is to walk hand in hand with You, to sit at Your feet as You tell me of Your ways. The only path worth traveling is the one You paved for me and knowing I’ll never travel it alone.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Take Me

Gentle breeze take me away
Basking in the sun’s soft rays
Give peace with your soft sways
Tranquility holding me through the day
Whisper softly in your soft spoken ways
His grace is present come what may
Tell me all things will be ok
You’re by my side forever to stay
No matter how far I may stray
You’ll bring me back to Your paths way

Melissa Fitzwilliam

River Wild

I am a river, wild and untamed
Searching for peace, yet not in vain
Surging forward, trying desperately to find my place
Roaring uncontrollably at a neck breaking pace
I am a pond, clear and pure
Quiet within, serenity assured
Calmness is portrayed in a false reflection
Floating beneath is my great fear of rejection
I am a brook, gurgling along
Seeking a place where I belong
Perpetually moving, yet not quite straight
Failing to stay the course, in a pitiful state
I am a waterfall, emotions tumbling down
Crying inside, tears with no sound
The rage is roaring, plummeting over the edge
I fear I’m falling dangerously over sanity’s ledge
I am a stream, flowing gently
Carrying thoughts that remain unseen
Raw emotions are carried everywhere I must go
In forward motion, and letting go is the best I know
I am a lake, dark and deep
Memories remain, my soul will keep
Sometimes I wonder what water of these I would be
If just for a moment I would let myself be free
I am an ocean, with a strong riptide
The undertow is merciless with no one in whom to confide
Its mighty powers easily pull me, struggling, under
There is One who can save me, but will He again, I wonder
I am the sea, strong and unsure
Seeming endless in the trials I must endure
I know the One who walked these turbulent waters
He could calm them, or carry me through and never falter
I am a river wild, searching for me around the bend
Wondering in which water I will find my reflection in the end
But knowing I will look more in the likeness of You
Because from this river wild You will deliver me soon

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Peace for Today

Fragrant breeze of the morning wash over me, filling my senses with the fresh dew’s scent. Leaves rustle the first light of the dawn. The birth of this day was quiet and still like so many of the rest. While I seem to be lost in the hushed world around me, my heart is astir inside me. It longs for something more than what it has, yet it already has everything it could possibly need. It longs for peace for today. How do I tell my heart when it covets for something that it doesn’t have, it is telling my Lord, He is not enough. I do covet. I covet the peace I believe other people to have. I am coveting an outsider’s observation, without really knowing if the peace they portray is real. And even if it is real, then they are living the life God has purposed for them. When I long for what I have not, then I have stepped outside of His great plan, thinking my way is better for me. Yet He promised me peace was mine, so how does it elude me? How long will I continue in this life of mine, trying to pull God in tow and refusing to let Him lead. I fool myself in even trying to believe that He is a God that can be told what to do and how to do it. I was raised that if you pray hard enough you get what you pray for. But do I really want that after all? Yes I want the peace but what of the great lessons that might go unlearned? And how long has it been since I grew up and put away those childish notions that praying got me anything I wanted? I could find peace in this fragrant morning with the fresh dew beneath my feet. I could be praising God that I awoke to a quiet morning and not one filled with strife and turmoil. Instead I will take myself to task over the fact, that in this beautiful dawn, I somehow think He can be more to me than what He already is. What more must He give for it to be enough? But moreover, how can He give more than has already been given? Isn’t it precious and miraculous enough? In honesty my mind can say yes. But in this present moment my heart would be fine to cease battling over old wars and a mind to be at peace with the current situation. And I could have it all, if I would only trust Him. Yes, I have it all even peace for today, if I’ll just let Him lead the way.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Innermost Part of Me

Let a new day come to me
Let a fresh breeze set me free
I want to live a life worry free
I want to hold time’s slowing key
If just for a day let me be
I want to fly to serenity
Can you hear my silent plea?
Listen to my eyes that loudly speak
Surely peace is not lost to me
I’m crying out from emotions deep
But no one can hear my plea
The words I choose never to speak
Quietly, softly, silently, deep,
The innermost part of me I will keep
Quietly, softly, silently, deep
The words I choose never to speak
Cause no one can hear my plea
I’m crying out from emotion’s deep
Surely peace is not lost to me
Listen to my eyes that loudly speak
Can you hear my silent plea?
I want to fly to serenity
If just for a day let me be
I want to hold time’s slowing key
I want to live a life worry free
Let a fresh breeze set me free
Let a new day come to me
Quietly, softly, silently, deep
The innermost part of me I will keep

Melissa Fitzwilliam

In Search of My Little One

If anyone could help me, I’m in the greatest need of assistance. I have seemed to lost my baby. She’s beautiful and wrapped in pink. She is so very small and needs me so very much. She has dark brown curly hair and a little bow of a mouth. She needs me so badly. Can you help me please? Excuse me, but I seem to have lost my toddler. She is such a busy little thing darting in and out so fast that I can’t keep up with her. Her energy goes on all day and leaves little time for rest, but come evening after I have washed her and put lotion on her and she smells like the baby she once was, we curl up in a chair for a bedtime story as I rock her to sleep. Could you help me find my little darling? I’m sorry to bother you but my little girl has disappeared. I can’t remember if her long curly hair is in a ponytail today or if I braided it in pigtails. She’s very smart, she can tell you her name and her address and my name too. She has the most beautiful, big brown eyes. They will either break your heart as she cries or make you laugh at the merriment and mischief they have when she is out exploring and playing. Could you please help me find my little one? Pardon me, but I seem to have lost my daughter. Many people say she looks just like me, but I know she is more beautiful than I. She is smart, but a little big for her britches at times. While she is still so young, please don’t tell her, because she is convinced she is older and knows more than most. The truth is, she is so amazingly bright! She makes me so proud as I look at her. I wonder how in the world God decided to bless me with such a precious gift! I am not worthy and she deserves so much more, yet she is content and happy to be called mine. Can someone take me back to the times when I could cuddle her close and smell that sweet baby smell, the one that lifted your heart and put your soul to easy because she was right there in your arms and away from whatever harms may come. Can someone take me back to the day when we were learning words and sentences? When she would put things together that would make you laugh so hard you would cry, and you knew those were the moments your heart grasped so never to forget. Can someone take me back to when she thought the moon jumped with her and when she turned in circles the sun followed her too? I want those carefree days of running outside and playing, swimming and shocking her as I jumped in the pool with all my work clothes on. It made her day. She laughed so hard and told me how silly I was. Can someone take me back to when she finally began to understand the beautiful and awe-inspiring life that we live? I remember when the questions became so hard that I too wondered and drank in her imagination. I remember the day when I grabbed her hand and we ran in the pouring rain, laughing and playing tag. We slipped in the mud and got up to do it all over again. We jumped on the trampoline and watched the water fly up just as we did and watched in awe of it all. Or the time when we picked mulberries under the tree with no shoes on and ate more than we gathered; but that happened so very many times. You see I searching for this amazing little girl and I am finding she’s growing up. And I look back and wonder when did I miss it all? I want to play one little finger, chew on her cheek and make her giggle, sing her songs (even out of tune) and hear her tell me how much she loves me, to tell her to say her prayers and have sweet dreams. I have my daughter, and she is beautiful, just a little older, with much to do, and for one day I want to relive our moments forever locked in my heart.
Melissa Fitzwilliam

Lonely Nights

Tonight is yet another night I will spend by myself. Do I feel sorry for myself? Not exactly. I just miss him. I miss his warmth as we're falling asleep together. I miss the sound of his breathing, no matter how subtle it may be. I miss the slope in the bed, and the gentle way it pulls me towards him. I miss his tossing and turning in the night. I would rather be woken up knowing he's right there, than to stay awake and wish that he was. I miss his soft snores in the night; their softness soothes me back to sleep. I miss waking up from a bad dream and being able to cuddle up to him and know everything is going to be ok. Eight days without him; six days with him. No way you cut it, not near enough time with him. So do I feel sorry for myself? After all this, if I am, am I not entitled to it!? After all, they are my lonely nights to complain about after all.

Just what to do?

I sit at the house with plenty to do but not wanting to do anything. I need to go out and get my phone fixed but I don't want to go out. I need to clean the house but I don't want to do that either. I will be spending another night at home alone and the thought of that kills me. I'm suppose to teach Sunday School tomorrow but again I don't want to. I will, I am, but there is no desire to do anything. So just what do you do when there's nothing you want to do? I haven't figured that out yet. All I do know is I have a birthday coming up that I don't want to celebrate, times I don't want to remember, and people I would just soon forget. After what my mother did yesterday I would just as soon be adopted by other people. Yes it sounds harsh, but reality can sometimes be that way. So what will I do? Preferably nothing, but I'm sure I'll figure out something.