How can be surrounded by people and feel so alone, I’ve lost my way with no way to get back home. I’m just a shadow in a sea of people, no greatness is found in me. I live as a whisp of what I could really be. The wind tosses me to and fro making me lose sight of the way I must go. I am among the least in life. Forever burdened with great strife. I feel as though I’m broken in pieces; never finding that which releases. Melancholy, apathetic, and rebellious too; forever doing that which I must not do. A murderess, a thief, a liar abounds; no goodness within me can be found. A cheater, prideful, and full of vanity; all of this lies in the heart of me. Hateful, ungrateful, and jealousy is all that which encompasses me. I as wretched of a sinner that You could find, so what caused You to save this life of mine? Yes, I’m even wicked to my very core, yet I am the one that You adore. So what could You possibly see in me that You would be willing to die for me? What kind of love do You possess that You would give it all for my happiness? The answer to in all lies in Your redeeming grace, for it’s Your mercy that truly saves. So I may be surrounded but I’m never alone, because You will forever be my home. I’m a shining light in Your sea of people, for greatness You find in me. For in You alone I can be all I was meant to be. The wind might toss me to and fro, but You will always show me which way to go. No longer am I the least in life, forever You save me from my great strife. I must be broken to pieces so You can build me into more of You, then I will find all that releases for that is what You do. And I while I’m wretched and a sinner too, that’s why You love me, that’s why You are You!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The House is Overwhelming Me!!!
I feel so overwhelmed! I’m sitting at home today and chaos surrounds me. My house is such a mess that it embarrasses me. I can’t seem to find that “get up and go” that I need to find to get it clean. I look around and tiredness just creeps in. I feel defeated and I haven’t even started. The problem is, is it’s so bad I don’t even know where to start. I remember when I would clean a little bit every day and the house seemed to stay pretty nice. It’s not even like I can blame it on work because I only work about four to five hours a day then I come back home. I can’t say that I’m depressed, but something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on it. I’m not cooking anymore like when the depression started and I have the energy, but not the “want to”. I feel like I’m being so selfish right now, but in the same sense I feel like everyone else should be helping. Sigh… I’m not sure what the answer is but something’s got to give!
I went to both of my doctors this week and had all of my check-ups. Misty is my physiatrist and she did an overhaul on my medicines. I was on Abilify and Cymbalta and they are notorious for causing weight gain. I’ve gained forty pounds in a year and I’m no longer at a healthy weight. I had told her I would stay on the medicines for mental wellness as long as I could stay at a healthy weight and it’s just not happening. No matter what I do I keep gaining and not finding that point when you finally stop gaining and kind of maintain a certain weight. No, I’m gaining and gaining. So she cut me back half on the Abilify and she said that should help with the bad dreams and the mini-amnesia I’m having. She’s taking me off of Cymbalta altogether and putting me on something called Luvox. The Luvox makes you sleepy at night so I’m finally sleeping without any type of crazy dreams or nightmares. This is such a relief! She said I should start to notice weight dropping off right away and I sure hope so.
I also went to see Dr. Becker, my primary doctor, to get a complete blood work up done. High cholesterol, diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc. run in my family so it’s important that I get these checked every year. I also had him check my thyroid just in case it wasn’t the medicine that was making me gain all this weight. All the results came back perfect!!! My liver function and kidney function is perfect, my thyroid is working wonderfully, and all the numbers on cholesterol and triglycerides are right where they should be. He said I couldn’t have asked for better numbers. I did tell him about the increase in headaches and about my fall on the kids ride. He shook his head and laughed but he also ordered an MRI saying that I definitely have whiplash, and we need to see if it messed up any more of the disc in my neck. So I go for the MRI on Monday and after they get the report back I will go see Dr. Meyers, my pain specialist, to see if I can start the neck injections again. Dr. Becker said that at the moment I am one solid muscle spasm in my neck and back and that’s what’s causing the headaches. He doesn’t think the muscle relaxers will help because of the injury and then he told me to say off toys!!! So much for being young at heart!
Last night I went to the fair again, but this time I went with my mom, grandma, CC, and her two cousins. We had a good time but I really missed Danny being there. He didn’t go because 1) he had work to do and 2) he wasn’t invited!!! My mom and grandma really need to change their hearts toward him. He is a good man and is wonderful to me and Ciara. I just don’t understand why they can’t accept our marriage and him and show him the love he deserves. The good news is he didn’t really want to go last night, he says one time at the fair a year is enough for him! I was hoping to go with all the girls this year, but the money just wasn’t there. The fair has gotten so expensive!!! The food is good but it’s outrageous what you have to spend on it. Mom said that she would pay for everything last night, but Danny gave me some money so I could pay my own way. I hate being dependent on her for everything so I bought what I could, but she did pay for some. Grandma had to be pushed around in the wheelchair so we all took turns doing that. I walked my poor little feet off!!! I followed the girls around to all the rides and made sure they got on and off ok and that no one messed with them in the lines. Mom told me that’s why she needed me there so she could have help watching them. So for the most part mom and grandma relaxed at a table and I walked around with the girls. It was a good time, but I can honestly say I’m done with the fair this year.
My job has been going ok. We have a temporary manager in place at the moment and if she stays I think it would be great. Her name is Tashina, and she has the sweetest personality. Now mind you she’s not Natalie, but she is very likeable and nice. She always compliments me on the work I do and really seems to notice how hard I work when I’m there. I’m going in early Monday morning to vacuum the whole store again because it looks like a mess right now. The night crew just isn’t doing the job they need to do and it may be of time restraints on when they need to leave. I also cleaned the backroom again on Friday, including the bathroom (yuck!), and wiped it down and vacuumed it. They say I’m really fast at freight so I feel like I have job security lol. Danny’s job is going ok too. We finally have some jobs coming in but the money just isn’t coming in as fast as it’s going out. We had a major headache this past week with one of the credit card companies that was enough to make me want to move my account elsewhere. We gave Rick the credit card so he could fill up with diesel and they rejected it because I had just filled up with gas right before him. The credit card company was saying it was a fraudulent charge and I was telling them it wasn’t!!! They said they would have to talk to Danny since it was his card and he was the main person on the account. I was fuming mad!!! Anyway I finally took went down there and found out Rick and Kathy were being detained by the security guards and when I showed them my id and my credit card they released them. It was so embarrassing!!!!
Other than that I need to get off here and clean my house. I still don’t want to but it’s not going to clean itself and I’m still looking for that elusive cleaning fairy (right Elaine!!!). I did forget to tell you I’m starting the new HCG diet where you take a pregnancy hormone and it’s suppose to drop weight off you really fast!!! I’m excited about it but I’m wondering what I’m going to do with all these new jeans I’ve bought! We have a lady that alters clothes for us and that’s what I may have to have done. Anyway the thought of losing weight is exciting!! I still haven’t given up on quitting smoking it’s just harder than I ever realized. Please pray that God takes the desire completely away and that I’ll finally be able to kick this habit!! I pray for you all daily! I pray that God shows Himself to you today in a special way and that you can feel His love just pouring over you. Sorry this was so long but I guess I didn’t realize how much I had to tell you!!! Grace and peace be with you. Please pray for us also!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I went to both of my doctors this week and had all of my check-ups. Misty is my physiatrist and she did an overhaul on my medicines. I was on Abilify and Cymbalta and they are notorious for causing weight gain. I’ve gained forty pounds in a year and I’m no longer at a healthy weight. I had told her I would stay on the medicines for mental wellness as long as I could stay at a healthy weight and it’s just not happening. No matter what I do I keep gaining and not finding that point when you finally stop gaining and kind of maintain a certain weight. No, I’m gaining and gaining. So she cut me back half on the Abilify and she said that should help with the bad dreams and the mini-amnesia I’m having. She’s taking me off of Cymbalta altogether and putting me on something called Luvox. The Luvox makes you sleepy at night so I’m finally sleeping without any type of crazy dreams or nightmares. This is such a relief! She said I should start to notice weight dropping off right away and I sure hope so.
I also went to see Dr. Becker, my primary doctor, to get a complete blood work up done. High cholesterol, diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc. run in my family so it’s important that I get these checked every year. I also had him check my thyroid just in case it wasn’t the medicine that was making me gain all this weight. All the results came back perfect!!! My liver function and kidney function is perfect, my thyroid is working wonderfully, and all the numbers on cholesterol and triglycerides are right where they should be. He said I couldn’t have asked for better numbers. I did tell him about the increase in headaches and about my fall on the kids ride. He shook his head and laughed but he also ordered an MRI saying that I definitely have whiplash, and we need to see if it messed up any more of the disc in my neck. So I go for the MRI on Monday and after they get the report back I will go see Dr. Meyers, my pain specialist, to see if I can start the neck injections again. Dr. Becker said that at the moment I am one solid muscle spasm in my neck and back and that’s what’s causing the headaches. He doesn’t think the muscle relaxers will help because of the injury and then he told me to say off toys!!! So much for being young at heart!
Last night I went to the fair again, but this time I went with my mom, grandma, CC, and her two cousins. We had a good time but I really missed Danny being there. He didn’t go because 1) he had work to do and 2) he wasn’t invited!!! My mom and grandma really need to change their hearts toward him. He is a good man and is wonderful to me and Ciara. I just don’t understand why they can’t accept our marriage and him and show him the love he deserves. The good news is he didn’t really want to go last night, he says one time at the fair a year is enough for him! I was hoping to go with all the girls this year, but the money just wasn’t there. The fair has gotten so expensive!!! The food is good but it’s outrageous what you have to spend on it. Mom said that she would pay for everything last night, but Danny gave me some money so I could pay my own way. I hate being dependent on her for everything so I bought what I could, but she did pay for some. Grandma had to be pushed around in the wheelchair so we all took turns doing that. I walked my poor little feet off!!! I followed the girls around to all the rides and made sure they got on and off ok and that no one messed with them in the lines. Mom told me that’s why she needed me there so she could have help watching them. So for the most part mom and grandma relaxed at a table and I walked around with the girls. It was a good time, but I can honestly say I’m done with the fair this year.
My job has been going ok. We have a temporary manager in place at the moment and if she stays I think it would be great. Her name is Tashina, and she has the sweetest personality. Now mind you she’s not Natalie, but she is very likeable and nice. She always compliments me on the work I do and really seems to notice how hard I work when I’m there. I’m going in early Monday morning to vacuum the whole store again because it looks like a mess right now. The night crew just isn’t doing the job they need to do and it may be of time restraints on when they need to leave. I also cleaned the backroom again on Friday, including the bathroom (yuck!), and wiped it down and vacuumed it. They say I’m really fast at freight so I feel like I have job security lol. Danny’s job is going ok too. We finally have some jobs coming in but the money just isn’t coming in as fast as it’s going out. We had a major headache this past week with one of the credit card companies that was enough to make me want to move my account elsewhere. We gave Rick the credit card so he could fill up with diesel and they rejected it because I had just filled up with gas right before him. The credit card company was saying it was a fraudulent charge and I was telling them it wasn’t!!! They said they would have to talk to Danny since it was his card and he was the main person on the account. I was fuming mad!!! Anyway I finally took went down there and found out Rick and Kathy were being detained by the security guards and when I showed them my id and my credit card they released them. It was so embarrassing!!!!
Other than that I need to get off here and clean my house. I still don’t want to but it’s not going to clean itself and I’m still looking for that elusive cleaning fairy (right Elaine!!!). I did forget to tell you I’m starting the new HCG diet where you take a pregnancy hormone and it’s suppose to drop weight off you really fast!!! I’m excited about it but I’m wondering what I’m going to do with all these new jeans I’ve bought! We have a lady that alters clothes for us and that’s what I may have to have done. Anyway the thought of losing weight is exciting!! I still haven’t given up on quitting smoking it’s just harder than I ever realized. Please pray that God takes the desire completely away and that I’ll finally be able to kick this habit!! I pray for you all daily! I pray that God shows Himself to you today in a special way and that you can feel His love just pouring over you. Sorry this was so long but I guess I didn’t realize how much I had to tell you!!! Grace and peace be with you. Please pray for us also!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Monday, September 20, 2010
God's Gift of a Job
I'm sitting here riding down the road with much on my mind. There's a sense of comfort as Danny lies next to my arm as we cuddle in the sleeper of he truck. I got up way too early this morning (3:30)and I'm tired but I can't sleep. Blame it on foo much coffee if you will but in a way I'm restless. I'm not sure why but I think I could know the cause. I'm getting really nervous about the doctor's results, the upcoming visits, and the possiblity of changing my depression medicine. I know God has everything under control and that I shouldn't worry T all but I can't seem to help myself. I've heard it said many times "let go and let God" but that's easier said than done. I've ealso heard it said that rarely does your worst expectation come to fruition, but I still can't help but have a little anxiety about it.
I'm notnsure what today will hold besides a lot of driving. We are making a trip to the Arkansas border to drop off q laid of highway dividers. The Lord provided this job for us and we are very excited! We thought the dump trucks would see more work but it's been too wet for them to work. At least with this job you can haul whether it's raining or not! This is a good thing since we are getting rain this next week. The other thing is we need money comng in badly! I pray the Lrd gives us more work than we can handle!
Well this is a short one because I'm getting carsick as I'm typing this going down the road. If time permits I'll get back on later and let you know how the day went! My prayers are with you all!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I'm notnsure what today will hold besides a lot of driving. We are making a trip to the Arkansas border to drop off q laid of highway dividers. The Lord provided this job for us and we are very excited! We thought the dump trucks would see more work but it's been too wet for them to work. At least with this job you can haul whether it's raining or not! This is a good thing since we are getting rain this next week. The other thing is we need money comng in badly! I pray the Lrd gives us more work than we can handle!
Well this is a short one because I'm getting carsick as I'm typing this going down the road. If time permits I'll get back on later and let you know how the day went! My prayers are with you all!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Write Me A New Love Song...
Write me a new love song.
Sing to me gently.
Walk with me always.
Tell that You love me.
I remember the days I was so in love with You.
Now I’ve wandered afar and I don’t know how to get back to You.
I remember the sweetness of Your embrace,
Reading Your Word so I could see You face to face.
Why did I travel away from You?
I know that’s never what I should do.
The Words You whisper to me are oh so sweet.
I’m so love sick I drop to my knees.
You are the air I need to breathe.
You cleanse me from what lies underneath.
Amazing is Your love for me.
I often wonder how it could be.
I need Your grace so that I might live.
I long for the peace You freely give.
You pour Your mercy down on me
How great is my Lord and how awesome is He
I write to You a new love song
I will sing it to You gently
I will walk with You always
As You tell me how much You love me
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sing to me gently.
Walk with me always.
Tell that You love me.
I remember the days I was so in love with You.
Now I’ve wandered afar and I don’t know how to get back to You.
I remember the sweetness of Your embrace,
Reading Your Word so I could see You face to face.
Why did I travel away from You?
I know that’s never what I should do.
The Words You whisper to me are oh so sweet.
I’m so love sick I drop to my knees.
You are the air I need to breathe.
You cleanse me from what lies underneath.
Amazing is Your love for me.
I often wonder how it could be.
I need Your grace so that I might live.
I long for the peace You freely give.
You pour Your mercy down on me
How great is my Lord and how awesome is He
I write to You a new love song
I will sing it to You gently
I will walk with You always
As You tell me how much You love me
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Build Your House on The Rock!
Well I went to my first doctor’s appointment to check on the growth of my pre-cancer cell growth, if there is any or if the pre-cancer cells are gone. I’m praying for a good outcome since last year they seemed to be eradicated. However, that’s not to say I’m not nervous about this year’s test results. If I get a clean bill of health then I won’t have to go for another check up for three years which is exciting! But if the abnormal cell growth has started again we are going to have to start looking at other options. It will mean the D&C only worked temporarily and I’m not sure what my next option would be. I have been praying hard core about this. I’m tired of biopsies and the continuous checkups but it’s not like I can’t have them. To do that would be sticking my head in the sand and possibly bringing me to the point of chemo and radiation which is the last thing I want. It is a very real threat! So please pray with me that there is no new growth but most importantly that God’s will be worked out in my life.
In other news, Friday night Danny and I (with Rick and Kathy) went to the state fair. We always go back there because it’s where we first met and where we got engaged. I can’t believe it’s been eleven years! In some ways the years have flown by in and other ways crawled by, both in good ways and in bad ways. We have made it through more stuff than most couples I know. Our marriage is strong and still filled with the same love. I guess it’s not the same love because we are stronger now than we’ve ever been. That’s not to say it hasn’t had its complications but we have weathered the storms and come out on the shining side. Some people have regrets of some sorts, but not me. He still gives me butterflies after all these years! I know I am a very blessed person to have him in my life. God never ceases to amaze me, that He could make a love as strong as ours. We are truly soul mates. We had a great time at the fair and had way too much food, but the point in going is to remember the love we found.
Saturday was an action packed day. Ciara had a volleyball tournament that lasted most of the day. I got up early and ran to Wal-Mart to buy various fruits for the girls to snack on during the day. I bought way too much and ended up taking it with me to church today. Ciara played well even though she missed all but one practice this past week because she was sick. She’s got a nasty floor burn on her knee when she was diving for the ball and forgot to pull up her knee pads. The girls have a phenomenal coach! Jean, our pastor’s wife, coaches them and she is such an encouraging coach even when they are playing badly. They only won one game but I think they did good considering they are a first year team. The school has never had a volleyball team before so they are all still young in their learning. Ciara seems to really enjoy it and has already said she’s going out for the team again next year. She did get pretty bummed because her dad didn’t come to the games. He has yet to come to one of her games and it really hurts her. However, me, my mom, and grandma were there to cheer her on and that seemed to make it better. My ex-husband decided to go to a football game instead and Ciara said that let her know where she stood with him. My heart went out to her as she cried her tears. There wasn’t much I could do for her, but let her know she had every right to be mad and sad and that there was no shame in her tears. She did perk up as the night wore on and she ended up staying the night with us because my ex went out and partied after the game. He’ll regret all these things he’s missed one day.
As for today, I’m not sure what it’s going to hold. We went to church this morning and had a great teaching lesson. Don taught out of Matthew 7:24-29. Where do we build our house? Are we like the wise man who built his house on The Rock, or the foolish man who built his house on the sand? I’ve heard this passage taught so many times, but never before like it was taught today. It was profound! We are going to be studying Matthew 5-7, The Sermon on the Mount, for an indefinite time and trying to memorize the entire section! A hard thing to do, but doable with God. I learned much today and was touched deeply. God continues to work on me and teach me new things daily. I guess that’s what should happen as you walk with Him. The one thing that saddens me is I’m not the devoted child of God that I should be. I still live in rebellion, I don’t do my daily study time, and I put Him on the back burner too much. I take for granted that He will be there when I’m ready to come to Him, rather than staying with Him throughout the day and letting Him handle everything that comes my way. I prayed today that God would begin a new work in me and to set me afire again. I want to burn with a passion that is unquenchable! I want to be so totally in love with Him that I can’t breathe without Him. All these things I desire to be, but He won’t do it alone. I must come to Him, emptied of myself, and willing to be filled with all of Him.
Well I’m pretty sure I’ll get back on here and write again today, but for the moment I need to go get me some lunch. Danny is sick again today. He woke up throwing up so I’m assuming he has some stomach bug. That man is sick more than any other person I know! It may be nerves because the work is slow coming in and we’ve about depleted our bank account . So please pray with us that the Lord will provide us with work, more than we can handle! Pray He pours out His blessings upon us to where our cup runs over. Also be in prayer for me because I go back to my other doctors this week with the possibility of changing my depression medicine. I am certain I want to be off of one of my prescriptions because it’s making me gain so much weight. It’s an unhealthy weight! So pray that the depression doesn’t come on strong but that the Lord would deliver me from it. Pray the doctor can find the right combination of medicine to make me not depressed, yet still at a healthy weight. Thank you for your prayers in advance and know that I pray for you as well. Also if you have prayer request let me know so I can lift them up for you and if you want I’ll put them on our church’s prayer list. Be strong in Him and keep the faith. Don’t live your life for today, but live it as though you are reaching for eternity. Live and love in Him and may you be the richer for it!!! Peace and grace be with you!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
In other news, Friday night Danny and I (with Rick and Kathy) went to the state fair. We always go back there because it’s where we first met and where we got engaged. I can’t believe it’s been eleven years! In some ways the years have flown by in and other ways crawled by, both in good ways and in bad ways. We have made it through more stuff than most couples I know. Our marriage is strong and still filled with the same love. I guess it’s not the same love because we are stronger now than we’ve ever been. That’s not to say it hasn’t had its complications but we have weathered the storms and come out on the shining side. Some people have regrets of some sorts, but not me. He still gives me butterflies after all these years! I know I am a very blessed person to have him in my life. God never ceases to amaze me, that He could make a love as strong as ours. We are truly soul mates. We had a great time at the fair and had way too much food, but the point in going is to remember the love we found.
Saturday was an action packed day. Ciara had a volleyball tournament that lasted most of the day. I got up early and ran to Wal-Mart to buy various fruits for the girls to snack on during the day. I bought way too much and ended up taking it with me to church today. Ciara played well even though she missed all but one practice this past week because she was sick. She’s got a nasty floor burn on her knee when she was diving for the ball and forgot to pull up her knee pads. The girls have a phenomenal coach! Jean, our pastor’s wife, coaches them and she is such an encouraging coach even when they are playing badly. They only won one game but I think they did good considering they are a first year team. The school has never had a volleyball team before so they are all still young in their learning. Ciara seems to really enjoy it and has already said she’s going out for the team again next year. She did get pretty bummed because her dad didn’t come to the games. He has yet to come to one of her games and it really hurts her. However, me, my mom, and grandma were there to cheer her on and that seemed to make it better. My ex-husband decided to go to a football game instead and Ciara said that let her know where she stood with him. My heart went out to her as she cried her tears. There wasn’t much I could do for her, but let her know she had every right to be mad and sad and that there was no shame in her tears. She did perk up as the night wore on and she ended up staying the night with us because my ex went out and partied after the game. He’ll regret all these things he’s missed one day.
As for today, I’m not sure what it’s going to hold. We went to church this morning and had a great teaching lesson. Don taught out of Matthew 7:24-29. Where do we build our house? Are we like the wise man who built his house on The Rock, or the foolish man who built his house on the sand? I’ve heard this passage taught so many times, but never before like it was taught today. It was profound! We are going to be studying Matthew 5-7, The Sermon on the Mount, for an indefinite time and trying to memorize the entire section! A hard thing to do, but doable with God. I learned much today and was touched deeply. God continues to work on me and teach me new things daily. I guess that’s what should happen as you walk with Him. The one thing that saddens me is I’m not the devoted child of God that I should be. I still live in rebellion, I don’t do my daily study time, and I put Him on the back burner too much. I take for granted that He will be there when I’m ready to come to Him, rather than staying with Him throughout the day and letting Him handle everything that comes my way. I prayed today that God would begin a new work in me and to set me afire again. I want to burn with a passion that is unquenchable! I want to be so totally in love with Him that I can’t breathe without Him. All these things I desire to be, but He won’t do it alone. I must come to Him, emptied of myself, and willing to be filled with all of Him.
Well I’m pretty sure I’ll get back on here and write again today, but for the moment I need to go get me some lunch. Danny is sick again today. He woke up throwing up so I’m assuming he has some stomach bug. That man is sick more than any other person I know! It may be nerves because the work is slow coming in and we’ve about depleted our bank account . So please pray with us that the Lord will provide us with work, more than we can handle! Pray He pours out His blessings upon us to where our cup runs over. Also be in prayer for me because I go back to my other doctors this week with the possibility of changing my depression medicine. I am certain I want to be off of one of my prescriptions because it’s making me gain so much weight. It’s an unhealthy weight! So pray that the depression doesn’t come on strong but that the Lord would deliver me from it. Pray the doctor can find the right combination of medicine to make me not depressed, yet still at a healthy weight. Thank you for your prayers in advance and know that I pray for you as well. Also if you have prayer request let me know so I can lift them up for you and if you want I’ll put them on our church’s prayer list. Be strong in Him and keep the faith. Don’t live your life for today, but live it as though you are reaching for eternity. Live and love in Him and may you be the richer for it!!! Peace and grace be with you!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
'Tis the Season....For Doctor's
It’s that time of year again when I go to all my different doctor’s and get my check-ups. I really don’t like this time of year but it’s necessary. I’m hoping one of the doctor’s can tell me why I seem to be gaining so much weight. I started gaining weight after I had my gallbladder taken out and I’ve never hit a plateau. My mom was working on my fingernails and toenails and she said they showed signs of my thyroid being slow. I hope this isn’t the case because once you start on thyroid medicine you can never get off of it. However, I’m not eating any different than I use to and I’ve even cut back on my calorie intake, but the weight is still piling on. I feel fat, I look fat, I just feel gross. I also haven’t seen Anita in over a month, since my eye surgery, and I have so much to tell her. I need to see my eye doctor to make sure the second surgery was a success and I need to see my physiatrist to make sure my medicine is where it should be. I also am going to bring up the dreams I keep having and hopefully one of them will have an answer for what’s going on.
Money is starting to get tight again and it’s back to me hating to pay bills. It’s what I need to do today, but I just dread it. The work from Danny’s business is slow coming in. We have several contracts but it’s been too wet to work. I’m beginning to see how much the weather plays a factor in this kind of work and I wonder what will happen come winter time. It makes me so nervous! This also means I have to start curbing my buying habits. It’s so hard working in freight and seeing all these cute clothes come in and to say no to buying them. I need more self-control. That’s easier said than done, as I already have a stash back in the backroom to buy. I only need a few more things to complete my winter wardrobe but it’s getting to the point that I can’t determine whether it’s a need or a want. Sigh…I get so frustrated with myself!
I’ve fallen off the wagon and bought me a pack of cigarettes. I’m so mad at myself!!! The good news is they taste horrible. The only reason I can think that caused the trigger is all the changes that started coming on here lately. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, because I, myself, am trying to figure out what caused the set back. It even feels weird to be smoking. But I’m getting back on the patch and hopefully stay quit for good this time. This is harder than I ever would have thought. I know the Holy Spirit wants me to be smoke-free and I’m trying to live in His will. I’m praying this starts to get easier and I won’t cave at the slightest change in life.
Well I guess I better go and get to work. I just had a few minutes on my hands and I thought I might as well blog. It’s my stress releaser lol!!! Anayah is still doing well and the dogs are really falling in love with her. I’m still having the bad and crazy dreams and I would give anything for a good night’s rest. My neck is still hurting me and I still think I might have a touch of whiplash. Ciara is still sick but should be able to go back to school tomorrow. I will force myself to sit down later and do all the bills for this month whether I want to or not. So much to do and I have plenty of time to do it, so why am I so tired? I’m getting plenty of sleep, albeit not good sleep, but still I just feel blah. Anyway I really do have to go. I pray the Lord shines His countenance on you and blesses you beyond anything you could expect. He is a good God all the time and His love endures forever!!! Praise Him for His goodness!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Money is starting to get tight again and it’s back to me hating to pay bills. It’s what I need to do today, but I just dread it. The work from Danny’s business is slow coming in. We have several contracts but it’s been too wet to work. I’m beginning to see how much the weather plays a factor in this kind of work and I wonder what will happen come winter time. It makes me so nervous! This also means I have to start curbing my buying habits. It’s so hard working in freight and seeing all these cute clothes come in and to say no to buying them. I need more self-control. That’s easier said than done, as I already have a stash back in the backroom to buy. I only need a few more things to complete my winter wardrobe but it’s getting to the point that I can’t determine whether it’s a need or a want. Sigh…I get so frustrated with myself!
I’ve fallen off the wagon and bought me a pack of cigarettes. I’m so mad at myself!!! The good news is they taste horrible. The only reason I can think that caused the trigger is all the changes that started coming on here lately. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, because I, myself, am trying to figure out what caused the set back. It even feels weird to be smoking. But I’m getting back on the patch and hopefully stay quit for good this time. This is harder than I ever would have thought. I know the Holy Spirit wants me to be smoke-free and I’m trying to live in His will. I’m praying this starts to get easier and I won’t cave at the slightest change in life.
Well I guess I better go and get to work. I just had a few minutes on my hands and I thought I might as well blog. It’s my stress releaser lol!!! Anayah is still doing well and the dogs are really falling in love with her. I’m still having the bad and crazy dreams and I would give anything for a good night’s rest. My neck is still hurting me and I still think I might have a touch of whiplash. Ciara is still sick but should be able to go back to school tomorrow. I will force myself to sit down later and do all the bills for this month whether I want to or not. So much to do and I have plenty of time to do it, so why am I so tired? I’m getting plenty of sleep, albeit not good sleep, but still I just feel blah. Anyway I really do have to go. I pray the Lord shines His countenance on you and blesses you beyond anything you could expect. He is a good God all the time and His love endures forever!!! Praise Him for His goodness!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Monday, September 13, 2010
An Issue I'm Not Resolving...
I seem to have an issue that I’m not resolving. I am angry at a person that hurt me with words and spread lies about me to people that are dear to me. This happened a couple of months ago but I can’t seem to shake my anger. I’ve try praying about it, turning it over to God, but I keep taking it back. I know forgiveness is a choice that we have to make for ourselves and it’s for our own good to forgive. But my heart is angry and it feels justified in being that way. What this person did is very wrong and they claim that they love me, but they sure have a bad way of showing it. In any case there could be a possibility that I might see this person soon. I have avoided them at all cost because I’m scared that what I have to say won’t be nice at all. So I’m in a quandary of what to do. I need to go to this event or possible event and I do want to go, but this one person puts a damper on all of it. I know, I know, forgive; but it’s just not that easy. I mean I’m sure it is that easy, but for me I can’t seem to overcome that hurdle.
I woke up to Ciara being sick again today. She’s running a fever and sounds just awful. All she’s done all day is laid on the couch and slept. I hate for her to miss school again so soon but what are you going to do. She’s been eating soup and ice cream and all that good stuff. She’s still running a low fever and I’ve been giving her Tylenol but it’s not bringing it down all the way. If she still feels bad tomorrow I’ll have to call the doctor and have him check her out to see what’s wrong with her. But I’m praying it won’t come to that and that she will begin to feel better.
I’m going to be pretty busy coming up here pretty soon. I have to go for my yearly “exam” (cough cough) and I’m not looking forward to it. I am praying that I finally get a clean bill of health and that none of the pre-cancer cells have come back. I also need to go see my psychiatrist, Misty, for a check-up and also Anita. I haven’t seen Misty in six months so it’s time to revisit my meds and I’m going to talk to her about those crazy dreams I’ve been having. I have so much to tell Anita it’s not even funny!! I haven’t talked to her since before the little fender bender where the scammers tried to pull a quick one on me. I still haven’t heard back from the insurance people and I pray I don’t. I hope that thing is behind me now.
Today we had a little going away party for Natalie and Allison. I got them both a cake and I couldn’t help but cry. I also found out today another one of our assistant managers is leaving. She just had her first grandbaby and she wants to start babysitting her new granddaughter. I can’t say I blame her, but we’re losing so many people so very fast. Now I’m having dreams about that!! I will miss them all so very much! Life changes oh so very fast. In a blink what was “normal” is gone and new things are to come. The only thing I can take comfort in is I know I’m standing in God’s will so He only has good things for me and for them also.
I guess I’m going to get off here now. I’m a little hungry and very thirsty. I need to see if Ciara needs anything and then I think I’m just going to veg. Danny’s still working down at his mom’s house so the house is pretty quiet. I pray that the Lord gave you a great day and that all is going well with you. I think I’ll take a little nap for a while. It sounds good right now….
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I woke up to Ciara being sick again today. She’s running a fever and sounds just awful. All she’s done all day is laid on the couch and slept. I hate for her to miss school again so soon but what are you going to do. She’s been eating soup and ice cream and all that good stuff. She’s still running a low fever and I’ve been giving her Tylenol but it’s not bringing it down all the way. If she still feels bad tomorrow I’ll have to call the doctor and have him check her out to see what’s wrong with her. But I’m praying it won’t come to that and that she will begin to feel better.
I’m going to be pretty busy coming up here pretty soon. I have to go for my yearly “exam” (cough cough) and I’m not looking forward to it. I am praying that I finally get a clean bill of health and that none of the pre-cancer cells have come back. I also need to go see my psychiatrist, Misty, for a check-up and also Anita. I haven’t seen Misty in six months so it’s time to revisit my meds and I’m going to talk to her about those crazy dreams I’ve been having. I have so much to tell Anita it’s not even funny!! I haven’t talked to her since before the little fender bender where the scammers tried to pull a quick one on me. I still haven’t heard back from the insurance people and I pray I don’t. I hope that thing is behind me now.
Today we had a little going away party for Natalie and Allison. I got them both a cake and I couldn’t help but cry. I also found out today another one of our assistant managers is leaving. She just had her first grandbaby and she wants to start babysitting her new granddaughter. I can’t say I blame her, but we’re losing so many people so very fast. Now I’m having dreams about that!! I will miss them all so very much! Life changes oh so very fast. In a blink what was “normal” is gone and new things are to come. The only thing I can take comfort in is I know I’m standing in God’s will so He only has good things for me and for them also.
I guess I’m going to get off here now. I’m a little hungry and very thirsty. I need to see if Ciara needs anything and then I think I’m just going to veg. Danny’s still working down at his mom’s house so the house is pretty quiet. I pray that the Lord gave you a great day and that all is going well with you. I think I’ll take a little nap for a while. It sounds good right now….
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Kid's Toys Are For Kids!!!
Well things are always changing and I’m realizing how much it scares me and how much I hate it. I learned this week that both my manager and assistant manager are leaving. The manager is just tired of all the long hours and desires to have a normal schedule, which I can’t blame her for. The assistant manager was offered a full time job as a pharmacy tech and she wants to be a pharmacist so she would be crazy to pass up this job offer! However, on my part I can honest say they are the best bosses I’ve ever had! When Natalie and Allison told me they were leaving I could help the tears that came to my eyes. When I get off here I’m going to be making them cakes (if I don’t decide to go buy one lol) for their going away party tomorrow.
In other news Friday night Ricky, Kathy, and I went to Oktoberfest in Choctaw. The food was amazing and the beer was pretty good too! I didn’t drink too much, but enough to be on the verge of silly. There was this blow up obstacle course for kids to go on and Kathy and I decided to race on it. There were tubes to get through and over and at the very end there were these collapsible blown up stairs. I was almost to the top and one of the stairs gave out and I did three flips and landed on my head! It was like there was an explosion in my head! I knew I would be in so much pain the next day! Well I didn’t even have to wait until the next day because as we were heading home my neck started getting stiff and my head was throbbing. So I went to bed but didn’t sleep well because I kept dreaming that I was in a car accident and was hurt so bad and couldn’t get any treatment. Anyway I was finally able to get some medicine yesterday and I slept without dreaming last night which was a nice change! The headache is a little better but it really feels like I’ve got a bad case of whiplash! I’m going to try to get into the doctor tomorrow and see what he has to say about it.
Saturday, even though I was in a great amount of pain, was so much fun. It’s that time of year for Harrah Daze and it’s a little carnival out where we live (really close to our church). Our church decided to set up a little tent and did free bracelet making and face painting. Since I’m not crafty this was a big step outside of my comfort zone. They set me up on the bracelet making and I have to confess I was so nervous. They are just little kids and they can’t hurt me, but I was nervous none the less. At one point our face painters took a short break when no kids had been coming up and they had only been gone for a few minutes and kids started showing up wanting their faces painted. So I swallowed my fear and got up, praying that the kids wouldn’t want anything too difficult. One girl wanted hearts and another one wanted a snail and so forth and so on. I have to say the things I painted on didn’t look great lol. Painting is just not my thing. I do well to color inside the lines! In any case I stayed for a few hours and had to leave because I was hurting so bad. But it was still a great time of fellowship and outreach and I pray we get some new members out of it.
Today was a really neat day! Kelly Bales was made a deacon! I have thought for a long time now he needed to be in a leadership position, but those kinds of decisions aren’t up to me. Anyway, Don gave the greatest lesson on leadership in the church and what it should entail and what it should never be. It was very informative and heart touching. I pray the Lord blesses Kelly and Pat as they embark on this journey and that our church will flourish from his work! He is a great man and a wonderful friend and our lives are richer for having them in it. Afterwards we had a great fellowship dinner with tons of good food! When I finished cleaning up I headed home to do some cleaning here although it’s the last thing I wanted to do. I came in the house and Kathy had cleaned the house while I was at church!!! I was embarrassed and thankful all at the same time. She is a great friend and I cherish her! So I decided since the kitchen was clean and the floor vacuumed that I would do some laundry. I stripped beds and washed some much needed sheets and blankets and they are almost done as we speak! Everyone will have clean bed clothes tonight! Yay!
I guess I need to get off here and contemplate making these cakes. I am also thinking about going and buying them at the store so I can just take another nap. This medicine has made me sleepy and I’m still hurting so bad. What I learned this weekend is kid’s toys are for kids and grown-ups should watch and cheer on from afar. I’m no longer a young one that can do those kinds of things without getting hurt obviously. It seemed like a fun idea at the time, but in the end it was a dumb idea, not to mention flat dangerous. The next big thing coming up is the anniversary of Danny and I meeting and getting engaged! All of this happened at our state fair and so we’re going there next weekend to celebrate! I’m so excited! Well this isn’t getting anything done and I need to see if I can get CC to rub my neck for a bit. May the Lord bless you and keep and pour out His great love on you!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
In other news Friday night Ricky, Kathy, and I went to Oktoberfest in Choctaw. The food was amazing and the beer was pretty good too! I didn’t drink too much, but enough to be on the verge of silly. There was this blow up obstacle course for kids to go on and Kathy and I decided to race on it. There were tubes to get through and over and at the very end there were these collapsible blown up stairs. I was almost to the top and one of the stairs gave out and I did three flips and landed on my head! It was like there was an explosion in my head! I knew I would be in so much pain the next day! Well I didn’t even have to wait until the next day because as we were heading home my neck started getting stiff and my head was throbbing. So I went to bed but didn’t sleep well because I kept dreaming that I was in a car accident and was hurt so bad and couldn’t get any treatment. Anyway I was finally able to get some medicine yesterday and I slept without dreaming last night which was a nice change! The headache is a little better but it really feels like I’ve got a bad case of whiplash! I’m going to try to get into the doctor tomorrow and see what he has to say about it.
Saturday, even though I was in a great amount of pain, was so much fun. It’s that time of year for Harrah Daze and it’s a little carnival out where we live (really close to our church). Our church decided to set up a little tent and did free bracelet making and face painting. Since I’m not crafty this was a big step outside of my comfort zone. They set me up on the bracelet making and I have to confess I was so nervous. They are just little kids and they can’t hurt me, but I was nervous none the less. At one point our face painters took a short break when no kids had been coming up and they had only been gone for a few minutes and kids started showing up wanting their faces painted. So I swallowed my fear and got up, praying that the kids wouldn’t want anything too difficult. One girl wanted hearts and another one wanted a snail and so forth and so on. I have to say the things I painted on didn’t look great lol. Painting is just not my thing. I do well to color inside the lines! In any case I stayed for a few hours and had to leave because I was hurting so bad. But it was still a great time of fellowship and outreach and I pray we get some new members out of it.
Today was a really neat day! Kelly Bales was made a deacon! I have thought for a long time now he needed to be in a leadership position, but those kinds of decisions aren’t up to me. Anyway, Don gave the greatest lesson on leadership in the church and what it should entail and what it should never be. It was very informative and heart touching. I pray the Lord blesses Kelly and Pat as they embark on this journey and that our church will flourish from his work! He is a great man and a wonderful friend and our lives are richer for having them in it. Afterwards we had a great fellowship dinner with tons of good food! When I finished cleaning up I headed home to do some cleaning here although it’s the last thing I wanted to do. I came in the house and Kathy had cleaned the house while I was at church!!! I was embarrassed and thankful all at the same time. She is a great friend and I cherish her! So I decided since the kitchen was clean and the floor vacuumed that I would do some laundry. I stripped beds and washed some much needed sheets and blankets and they are almost done as we speak! Everyone will have clean bed clothes tonight! Yay!
I guess I need to get off here and contemplate making these cakes. I am also thinking about going and buying them at the store so I can just take another nap. This medicine has made me sleepy and I’m still hurting so bad. What I learned this weekend is kid’s toys are for kids and grown-ups should watch and cheer on from afar. I’m no longer a young one that can do those kinds of things without getting hurt obviously. It seemed like a fun idea at the time, but in the end it was a dumb idea, not to mention flat dangerous. The next big thing coming up is the anniversary of Danny and I meeting and getting engaged! All of this happened at our state fair and so we’re going there next weekend to celebrate! I’m so excited! Well this isn’t getting anything done and I need to see if I can get CC to rub my neck for a bit. May the Lord bless you and keep and pour out His great love on you!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I Need More Of God And Less Of Me...
There are so many times I wonder why God takes us down a certain path. Not that it’s within my right to question Him, but some of these paths I’m just so unsure of. I can’t seem to shake my dreams in the night; they hold me captive through the day. There are just some dreams that don’t let go of you. I was telling Ciara last night of my dreams and she thinks God is trying to tell me something. I told her these dreams are not of God. They are too frightening to be of Him. Our God is a God of love and perfect love casts out all fear. So does this mean I’m not perfecting myself in His love? I’m not sure. I pray at night that God would come meet me in my dreams, yet it doesn’t happen. All too often I fall asleep during my prayers, leaving me feeling guilty that I feel asleep on God. Yet I find a certain peace talking to Him. I think I do too much talking and not enough listening.
One thing I know is I must start getting some good rest. I seem to wake up at 3 a.m. every morning and it gets so frustrating. Here the past couple of days when I wake up at that time I take Anayah out to the bathroom. I don’t pray when I come back in; although I should because that seems to be when the worst of the dreams start. I’m tired of fighting sleep and fighting in my sleep. I just want to rest! I remember when I would wake myself up laughing or with a smile on my face because I had the greatest dream. I find that I go through times in my life that the dreams are either all good or all bad but rarely a good mix of both. There are times I wake up and I’m so ashamed of my dream and what they held that I’m sure in some way that I was sinning against God.
What I’m missing right now in my life is the power of the almighty Holy Spirit. I can’t feel the light of God shining on me and that leaves me so dark. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not going down the path of depression again (I don’t think anyway). I just don’t feel alive in Him. I keep telling myself to start my prayer journaling again and to start reading my Bible again and do some major studying. I don’t know why I don’t do it, I just don’t. I want to be saturated with God. I feel convicted that I spend so much time looking up meaningful names for my dogs, yet I don’t study His Word as I should. If I can pour that much of myself into researching dog names, then why can’t I pour that much energy into reading and absorbing His Word. The conviction I feel right now is so overwhelming.
I wrote a poem a while back called “I Need A Change Of Heart” and that is what I truly need. I want my life to be a testimony of His great love and grace. I want my life to scream that I am a beloved child of God, yet I don’t know that it does. I love my Lord, I truly do, but does my life testify to that love? Surely I don’t love Him enough or I would be pouring myself into His Word. Am I just giving lip service and not walking His path? I pray not. I know one thing; these dreams are driving me to my knees in prayer that they won’t come each night. But I should be driven to my knees everyday in daily prayer. I fall so short and am so imperfect that it saddens me to the very core. I know the evil one is to blame for this because God is not a God Who wants you to beat yourself up. Christ is gentle in His correction and only corrects out of love.
I’ve wrote all this to say simply; I need more of God and less of me. It is my fervent prayer that He pours all of Himself into me and takes anything that remains in me and changes it into the very image of Christ. I want to please God with my heart, mind, and soul. I don’t want to be the child that says something yet does nothing. I’m sure this is the prayer of many, but it is so heartfelt. I guess I need to get off of here and start doing what I’m writing about. All this writing doesn’t gain me a thing if I don’t do something about it. Please be in prayer that the Lord will show Himself to me in a mighty way, albeit gently lol. I long to walk hand in hand with Him again and hide myself in the protection of His wings. May the Lord bless us all today and may we see His mighty hand at work in all of our lives. He is a good God all the time. He longs to bring peace to me and I long to receive it. I pray for His grace and mercy, which are new every morning, to be poured out on all of us. As I pray for you, pray for me also.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
One thing I know is I must start getting some good rest. I seem to wake up at 3 a.m. every morning and it gets so frustrating. Here the past couple of days when I wake up at that time I take Anayah out to the bathroom. I don’t pray when I come back in; although I should because that seems to be when the worst of the dreams start. I’m tired of fighting sleep and fighting in my sleep. I just want to rest! I remember when I would wake myself up laughing or with a smile on my face because I had the greatest dream. I find that I go through times in my life that the dreams are either all good or all bad but rarely a good mix of both. There are times I wake up and I’m so ashamed of my dream and what they held that I’m sure in some way that I was sinning against God.
What I’m missing right now in my life is the power of the almighty Holy Spirit. I can’t feel the light of God shining on me and that leaves me so dark. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not going down the path of depression again (I don’t think anyway). I just don’t feel alive in Him. I keep telling myself to start my prayer journaling again and to start reading my Bible again and do some major studying. I don’t know why I don’t do it, I just don’t. I want to be saturated with God. I feel convicted that I spend so much time looking up meaningful names for my dogs, yet I don’t study His Word as I should. If I can pour that much of myself into researching dog names, then why can’t I pour that much energy into reading and absorbing His Word. The conviction I feel right now is so overwhelming.
I wrote a poem a while back called “I Need A Change Of Heart” and that is what I truly need. I want my life to be a testimony of His great love and grace. I want my life to scream that I am a beloved child of God, yet I don’t know that it does. I love my Lord, I truly do, but does my life testify to that love? Surely I don’t love Him enough or I would be pouring myself into His Word. Am I just giving lip service and not walking His path? I pray not. I know one thing; these dreams are driving me to my knees in prayer that they won’t come each night. But I should be driven to my knees everyday in daily prayer. I fall so short and am so imperfect that it saddens me to the very core. I know the evil one is to blame for this because God is not a God Who wants you to beat yourself up. Christ is gentle in His correction and only corrects out of love.
I’ve wrote all this to say simply; I need more of God and less of me. It is my fervent prayer that He pours all of Himself into me and takes anything that remains in me and changes it into the very image of Christ. I want to please God with my heart, mind, and soul. I don’t want to be the child that says something yet does nothing. I’m sure this is the prayer of many, but it is so heartfelt. I guess I need to get off of here and start doing what I’m writing about. All this writing doesn’t gain me a thing if I don’t do something about it. Please be in prayer that the Lord will show Himself to me in a mighty way, albeit gently lol. I long to walk hand in hand with Him again and hide myself in the protection of His wings. May the Lord bless us all today and may we see His mighty hand at work in all of our lives. He is a good God all the time. He longs to bring peace to me and I long to receive it. I pray for His grace and mercy, which are new every morning, to be poured out on all of us. As I pray for you, pray for me also.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Help Me Fight The Dark...
It’s three a.m. and I’m wide awake
With memories of dreams I just can’t shake
All these emotions course through me
Of my life and what it should be
What keeps me hostage in these nightmares
Doing things I would never dare
I’m ashamed of myself in so many ways
These nights hold me captive; I long for the day
Why do they keep me in their grasp so tight
Leaving me with dark demons I try to fight
These nights seem to last all too long
And the days are too quickly gone
Morning star come shine on me
Vanquishing all these horrible dreams
The dawn can’t come for me too soon
Chained in these dreams will be my doom
Lord, cradle me in reveries so sweet
I don’t know how much longer I can feel this defeat
Rock me gently in the night
Find me resting in the soft moon’s light
Help me fight the dark and bring me peace
Help me fight the dark, help these dreams cease
Melissa Fitzwilliam
With memories of dreams I just can’t shake
All these emotions course through me
Of my life and what it should be
What keeps me hostage in these nightmares
Doing things I would never dare
I’m ashamed of myself in so many ways
These nights hold me captive; I long for the day
Why do they keep me in their grasp so tight
Leaving me with dark demons I try to fight
These nights seem to last all too long
And the days are too quickly gone
Morning star come shine on me
Vanquishing all these horrible dreams
The dawn can’t come for me too soon
Chained in these dreams will be my doom
Lord, cradle me in reveries so sweet
I don’t know how much longer I can feel this defeat
Rock me gently in the night
Find me resting in the soft moon’s light
Help me fight the dark and bring me peace
Help me fight the dark, help these dreams cease
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Remind Me Why You Love Me...
Remind me why You love me…
I’m such a wretched sinner
I don’t sing Your praises enough
I fall asleep in my prayers
I forget about Your blessings
Remind me why You love me…
You love me because I’m a forgiven sinner
You love me because I sing Your praises
You love me because I pray
You love me because I know You bless me
Remind me why You love me…
I don’t show Your love often enough
I’m not convicted enough of my sin
I don’t always walk Your path
I forget to say I love You
Remind me why You love me…
You love me because I do show Your love
You love me because I am convicted of my sin
You love me because I do walk Your path
You love me because I do say I love You
Remind me why You love me…
I’ll never be perfect
But You didn’t ask for my perfection
I’ll never love enough, but
You love me because You are love
You love me in spite of me
And for that I love You
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I’m such a wretched sinner
I don’t sing Your praises enough
I fall asleep in my prayers
I forget about Your blessings
Remind me why You love me…
You love me because I’m a forgiven sinner
You love me because I sing Your praises
You love me because I pray
You love me because I know You bless me
Remind me why You love me…
I don’t show Your love often enough
I’m not convicted enough of my sin
I don’t always walk Your path
I forget to say I love You
Remind me why You love me…
You love me because I do show Your love
You love me because I am convicted of my sin
You love me because I do walk Your path
You love me because I do say I love You
Remind me why You love me…
I’ll never be perfect
But You didn’t ask for my perfection
I’ll never love enough, but
You love me because You are love
You love me in spite of me
And for that I love You
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Dreams...
I guess I’ll start with the thing that’s bothering me the most. I just wrote a poem about it but it needs details. I’ve been having the craziest, most disturbing, dreams lately. I’m dreaming of loved ones that have passed away or are no longer in my life. I can see them, hear them, feel them and often I awake in tears. I think of my aunt, my uncle, and other loved ones that have gone on home to be with the Lord and I don’t know why I’m dreaming of them all of a sudden. And it’s not just that. I’m having violent dreams that are so disturbing. I dream of car accidents that are all too real that leave my heart pounding. Last night I dreamed that I was spanking Ciara so horribly because she had misbehaved. I dream that Danny leaves me, that for some reason we are no longer together, and when I wake up I’m in tears. I have to reach over and feel that he’s still there to know I was just dreaming because they are just so real. I also awake not knowing where I am. The scariest ones are when I can’t remember who I am. It’s like I wake up with amnesia. It takes a few minutes to remember I’m married, I have daughters, and that I am ok. I don’t know what’s making me dream all this crazy stuff but I wish restful dreams would find me again. I’m so tired anymore because I’m just not sleeping well. You know how you feel when you dream all night and you wake up tired because it feels like you haven’t rested at all. Well that’s me lately. I could go on and on about this, but I won’t, but it was something I just needed to get off my chest.
I had my eye surgery and I am seeing better now. It feels so good to be able to blog again! So much happens in between blogs that I can’t remember it all when it comes time to update everyone on what’s happened. The eye surgery was particularly painful this time. I don’t know if it’s because my eyes weren’t totally recovered from the last surgery, but I pray everything heals properly this time and that I need no more in the future. I slept for days because your eyes feel so tired and the pain medicine does a good job at helping you sleep too. I still am not smoking and occasionally I want one but I don’t cave in to the temptation. I’m still wearing the patch to quit smoking but I don’t wear when I sleep (otherwise I would think I was having all those crazy dreams because of that). I go back for an eye check up in two weeks but everything seems to be going along well.
I did get Anayah finally!!! She is so stinking adorable. We are starting the potty training days all over again and I forget how much I hated those days. The other night she went over and peed on Danny’s side of the bed and he was so mad to wake up in her little puddle and he went to sleep on the couch because we didn’t have any clean bed sheets for me to change the bed. Needless to say I did some laundry and we have clean sheets on the bed now. In the beginning Asher really didn’t like her but now both he and Elowyn are warming up to her and playing with her now. I did have a dream that I got two more females (an American cream and another Isabella) and I think God is telling four females is my limit. So I spent the weekend looking up names to name them. The American cream will be named Amaris Abigail which means God has promised a source of joy and the Isabella will be named Isabel Rayah which means consecrated to God fellow love. Good names I think!
Other than that the big bosses came in to work yesterday and that was a chore! I worked Sunday and all day Monday trying to get the back room and the store looking good for when they came in. Then I asked Danny if I could shop for an appropriate outfit for when they came in and he said yes. I picked out this Christian shirt with a cute little vest over it and when I walked in they said I looked very Buckle-ish lol! I’m glad that’s over with because that wore me out. Well I guess I better get ready for church. I haven’t been to Wednesday night services in a while and I feel bad because he’s been giving some great teachings on the book of Acts. I hope all of you are doing well and I lift you up in prayer daily. May the Lord bless you and keep you safe in the palm of His loving hands.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I had my eye surgery and I am seeing better now. It feels so good to be able to blog again! So much happens in between blogs that I can’t remember it all when it comes time to update everyone on what’s happened. The eye surgery was particularly painful this time. I don’t know if it’s because my eyes weren’t totally recovered from the last surgery, but I pray everything heals properly this time and that I need no more in the future. I slept for days because your eyes feel so tired and the pain medicine does a good job at helping you sleep too. I still am not smoking and occasionally I want one but I don’t cave in to the temptation. I’m still wearing the patch to quit smoking but I don’t wear when I sleep (otherwise I would think I was having all those crazy dreams because of that). I go back for an eye check up in two weeks but everything seems to be going along well.
I did get Anayah finally!!! She is so stinking adorable. We are starting the potty training days all over again and I forget how much I hated those days. The other night she went over and peed on Danny’s side of the bed and he was so mad to wake up in her little puddle and he went to sleep on the couch because we didn’t have any clean bed sheets for me to change the bed. Needless to say I did some laundry and we have clean sheets on the bed now. In the beginning Asher really didn’t like her but now both he and Elowyn are warming up to her and playing with her now. I did have a dream that I got two more females (an American cream and another Isabella) and I think God is telling four females is my limit. So I spent the weekend looking up names to name them. The American cream will be named Amaris Abigail which means God has promised a source of joy and the Isabella will be named Isabel Rayah which means consecrated to God fellow love. Good names I think!
Other than that the big bosses came in to work yesterday and that was a chore! I worked Sunday and all day Monday trying to get the back room and the store looking good for when they came in. Then I asked Danny if I could shop for an appropriate outfit for when they came in and he said yes. I picked out this Christian shirt with a cute little vest over it and when I walked in they said I looked very Buckle-ish lol! I’m glad that’s over with because that wore me out. Well I guess I better get ready for church. I haven’t been to Wednesday night services in a while and I feel bad because he’s been giving some great teachings on the book of Acts. I hope all of you are doing well and I lift you up in prayer daily. May the Lord bless you and keep you safe in the palm of His loving hands.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Let Me Be
by: Melissa Fitzwilliam
I dream the dreams I don’t want to dream
Ones of faded memories of you and me
I awake trying to recall what is real
In the middle of the night that’s all too still
What brings you to mind after all these years
You’re long gone now leaving me with tears
Please don’t haunt me anymore
It’s in the past and I’ve closed that door
This heartache I feel is all too much
When I awake thinking I felt your touch
I think I hear your voice whispering my name
Then with a start I realize it will never be the same
Leave me be in the here and now
I need to move on but don’t know how
These dreams are filled with such regret
I do my best to try and just forget
You’re a part of my past that I’ll treasure forever
The moments we had spent together
But I’ve had to move on without you
I wasn’t given a choice; it’s what I must do
How I wish these dreams would go away
They leave my heart heavy with the light of day
Peaceful dreams find me tonight
With no more memories for me to fight
Tranquil sleep come to me
Let me rest, just let me be
I dream the dreams I don’t want to dream
Ones of faded memories of you and me
I awake trying to recall what is real
In the middle of the night that’s all too still
What brings you to mind after all these years
You’re long gone now leaving me with tears
Please don’t haunt me anymore
It’s in the past and I’ve closed that door
This heartache I feel is all too much
When I awake thinking I felt your touch
I think I hear your voice whispering my name
Then with a start I realize it will never be the same
Leave me be in the here and now
I need to move on but don’t know how
These dreams are filled with such regret
I do my best to try and just forget
You’re a part of my past that I’ll treasure forever
The moments we had spent together
But I’ve had to move on without you
I wasn’t given a choice; it’s what I must do
How I wish these dreams would go away
They leave my heart heavy with the light of day
Peaceful dreams find me tonight
With no more memories for me to fight
Tranquil sleep come to me
Let me rest, just let me be
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