The House is Overwhelming Me!!!

I feel so overwhelmed! I’m sitting at home today and chaos surrounds me. My house is such a mess that it embarrasses me. I can’t seem to find that “get up and go” that I need to find to get it clean. I look around and tiredness just creeps in. I feel defeated and I haven’t even started. The problem is, is it’s so bad I don’t even know where to start. I remember when I would clean a little bit every day and the house seemed to stay pretty nice. It’s not even like I can blame it on work because I only work about four to five hours a day then I come back home. I can’t say that I’m depressed, but something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on it. I’m not cooking anymore like when the depression started and I have the energy, but not the “want to”. I feel like I’m being so selfish right now, but in the same sense I feel like everyone else should be helping. Sigh… I’m not sure what the answer is but something’s got to give!

I went to both of my doctors this week and had all of my check-ups. Misty is my physiatrist and she did an overhaul on my medicines. I was on Abilify and Cymbalta and they are notorious for causing weight gain. I’ve gained forty pounds in a year and I’m no longer at a healthy weight. I had told her I would stay on the medicines for mental wellness as long as I could stay at a healthy weight and it’s just not happening. No matter what I do I keep gaining and not finding that point when you finally stop gaining and kind of maintain a certain weight. No, I’m gaining and gaining. So she cut me back half on the Abilify and she said that should help with the bad dreams and the mini-amnesia I’m having. She’s taking me off of Cymbalta altogether and putting me on something called Luvox. The Luvox makes you sleepy at night so I’m finally sleeping without any type of crazy dreams or nightmares. This is such a relief! She said I should start to notice weight dropping off right away and I sure hope so.

I also went to see Dr. Becker, my primary doctor, to get a complete blood work up done. High cholesterol, diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc. run in my family so it’s important that I get these checked every year. I also had him check my thyroid just in case it wasn’t the medicine that was making me gain all this weight. All the results came back perfect!!! My liver function and kidney function is perfect, my thyroid is working wonderfully, and all the numbers on cholesterol and triglycerides are right where they should be. He said I couldn’t have asked for better numbers. I did tell him about the increase in headaches and about my fall on the kids ride. He shook his head and laughed but he also ordered an MRI saying that I definitely have whiplash, and we need to see if it messed up any more of the disc in my neck. So I go for the MRI on Monday and after they get the report back I will go see Dr. Meyers, my pain specialist, to see if I can start the neck injections again. Dr. Becker said that at the moment I am one solid muscle spasm in my neck and back and that’s what’s causing the headaches. He doesn’t think the muscle relaxers will help because of the injury and then he told me to say off toys!!! So much for being young at heart!

Last night I went to the fair again, but this time I went with my mom, grandma, CC, and her two cousins. We had a good time but I really missed Danny being there. He didn’t go because 1) he had work to do and 2) he wasn’t invited!!! My mom and grandma really need to change their hearts toward him. He is a good man and is wonderful to me and Ciara. I just don’t understand why they can’t accept our marriage and him and show him the love he deserves. The good news is he didn’t really want to go last night, he says one time at the fair a year is enough for him! I was hoping to go with all the girls this year, but the money just wasn’t there. The fair has gotten so expensive!!! The food is good but it’s outrageous what you have to spend on it. Mom said that she would pay for everything last night, but Danny gave me some money so I could pay my own way. I hate being dependent on her for everything so I bought what I could, but she did pay for some. Grandma had to be pushed around in the wheelchair so we all took turns doing that. I walked my poor little feet off!!! I followed the girls around to all the rides and made sure they got on and off ok and that no one messed with them in the lines. Mom told me that’s why she needed me there so she could have help watching them. So for the most part mom and grandma relaxed at a table and I walked around with the girls. It was a good time, but I can honestly say I’m done with the fair this year.

My job has been going ok. We have a temporary manager in place at the moment and if she stays I think it would be great. Her name is Tashina, and she has the sweetest personality. Now mind you she’s not Natalie, but she is very likeable and nice. She always compliments me on the work I do and really seems to notice how hard I work when I’m there. I’m going in early Monday morning to vacuum the whole store again because it looks like a mess right now. The night crew just isn’t doing the job they need to do and it may be of time restraints on when they need to leave. I also cleaned the backroom again on Friday, including the bathroom (yuck!), and wiped it down and vacuumed it. They say I’m really fast at freight so I feel like I have job security lol. Danny’s job is going ok too. We finally have some jobs coming in but the money just isn’t coming in as fast as it’s going out. We had a major headache this past week with one of the credit card companies that was enough to make me want to move my account elsewhere. We gave Rick the credit card so he could fill up with diesel and they rejected it because I had just filled up with gas right before him. The credit card company was saying it was a fraudulent charge and I was telling them it wasn’t!!! They said they would have to talk to Danny since it was his card and he was the main person on the account. I was fuming mad!!! Anyway I finally took went down there and found out Rick and Kathy were being detained by the security guards and when I showed them my id and my credit card they released them. It was so embarrassing!!!!

Other than that I need to get off here and clean my house. I still don’t want to but it’s not going to clean itself and I’m still looking for that elusive cleaning fairy (right Elaine!!!). I did forget to tell you I’m starting the new HCG diet where you take a pregnancy hormone and it’s suppose to drop weight off you really fast!!! I’m excited about it but I’m wondering what I’m going to do with all these new jeans I’ve bought! We have a lady that alters clothes for us and that’s what I may have to have done. Anyway the thought of losing weight is exciting!! I still haven’t given up on quitting smoking it’s just harder than I ever realized. Please pray that God takes the desire completely away and that I’ll finally be able to kick this habit!! I pray for you all daily! I pray that God shows Himself to you today in a special way and that you can feel His love just pouring over you. Sorry this was so long but I guess I didn’t realize how much I had to tell you!!! Grace and peace be with you. Please pray for us also!!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam