He Snuggled with Her

I watched the sweetest moment on Thanksgiving Day! Ma was home on her eight hour leave and was pretty tired. She had eaten her meal and the turkey was kicking in. You know that satisfying feeling of fullness, one that she hasn’t known for such a long while. We were cleaning up the kitchen and Danny went in to sit beside Ma. She looked so content! He put his arm around her and she laid her head on his should. They both looked content. She had a slight smile on her face and had a peace about her. He sat there, not moving, both breathing easy. As we watched she drifted off to sleep leaning upon him. He was afraid to move, not wanting to wake her. After awhile he slowly unwound himself and there she lay napping. He had the cutest smile upon his face. As he began to talk, he said it was so nice to “snuggle with her”. Those were his words. I wonder how long it has been since he snuggled with his mama? I wonder if she cherished the moment as much as he did. Surely so! I wonder if her mind pondered on the moments when he would climb upon her lap and drifted off to dream? I wonder if she saw in her mind the little toe headed boy, filled with mischief, curled up and sleeping gently? She surely couldn’t see how the tables had turned as she slumbered peacefully, dreaming the sweetest of dreams. It will be one of the moments I will cherish forever! Watching a grown man with such gentleness, caring so much for his mother brings tears to the eye and joy to the heart. It is a memory I will hold dear in my heart knowing I have married such a caring man! Not many men would admit to snuggling with their mom, yet when he said it, it sounded so incredibly sweet. It’s one of the moments that is frozen in time, the picture forged in your brain. Thanksgiving, yes! The sweetest one of all!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

My Holiday Wish for Them...

I didn’t get invited to my mom’s and grandma’s for Thanksgiving this year, but I think that is a good thing. I’m actually relieved that I didn’t get an invite because I would’ve had to come up with some excuse on why I couldn’t be there. I don’t have the nerve to say, “I’m sorry I won’t be there because you both are crazy and you don’t love me, so why should I bother to come?”. That sounds pretty harsh to me even so of course it isn’t anything I would ever say to them. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever spend another holiday with them. Right now I have no desire to. Well that’s not totally true. If things were different I would love to spend the holidays with them, but wishing that doesn’t make it true. Since things are they way they are right now, it’s on that basis that I don’t want to spend any holidays with them. I hope that doesn’t make me a bad person. I know I have my own fair share of faults in the current situation. I have asked for forgiveness against some of these unknown offensives however, forgiveness hasn’t been granted to me. I’m sure I still do wrong to this day, actually I know I do. Just the other day at Ciara’s Thanksgiving Day breakfast, I never even went over to say hi. I just waved and went on my way cooking and serving the kids and parents. I did feel somewhat (I stress that somewhat) bad afterwards, because they made no attempt to come to me. I know I shouldn’t be that way, but there are times I just can’t help it. I wrote something to them a few Christmas’s ago and I’ll past it at the bottom of this just to show the depths of my real feelings about them. I do love them dearly! I truly miss them! But I don’t miss the drama that they bring. I don’t miss feeling awful because of the guilt they lay at my feet. It’s hard to explain how you can love someone so much yet not want to be around them at all. I have yet to understand it myself. I know I don’t miss the way they make me feel and I don’t miss the gut wrenching cries that always come afterwards. I miss what could be, but isn’t. I still have this fairy tale in my head that I have a family that loves me unconditionally, but it isn’t fact. In many ways I feel like an orphan, left alone in this world. It is why I rely on God so much and the family He has provided me with my church family. They do accept me as I am faults and all. They so me the meaning of unconditional love here on earth that I had yet to experience before God brought me to them. I consider it my great blessing to have them in my life. Below is what I wrote to my mom and grandma, but of course I never gave it to them. There is much I have wrote to them, things that weight heavy on my heart, but I fear they won’t be able to hear it the way I mean it. They are always reading something else in to it that just isn’t there. Of course, maybe I do this to, I’m just not sure. I just don’t want to make myself seem blameless in this situation when I know I’m not. Yes I do feel like I’ve done all I can do in the current situation and until they decide to forgive my hands are tied. But when I am around them I need to do a better job in loving them in a godly way. Anyway I wrote this little blurb right around Christmas a few years ago when I really was missing all that I thought we could have. I have since moved on to accepting the situation and just praying that God will do a great miracle in our relationship or lack thereof.

My Holiday Wish for You
Melissa Fitzwilliam
The holidays are here again, yet even with history as it is, this year will prove to be the same and different. While all the other holidays I knew I wasn't want there, for I'm just a reminder of all the hurt your heart holds on to. But this year I won't be there, no visual reminders will be before you, just an empty space to serve as proof that I won't be there. As much as all the past years have hurt me in their own way, this year promises new hurts that I have no desire to feel. I try not to feel responsible for the rending of a once happy family, yet in this family that has been my place, it has been what has defined me. Yet as I've grown up telling myself that it is all my fault, I am becoming more aware that our family was broken before my supposed destructing blow. So this year you can be free, you don't have to feel the sting of me. No instead there will be an absence of all that is wrong, all that has destroyed this family of ours. But my holidays will be different from yours, because while I won't feel the pressure that has filled my holidays for so long, they will be marked with an emptiness that I would give anything to fill. I'm beginning to understand I can't mend a brokenness that I did not cause, but that is no comfort for an unrequited love. Simply put, I love you and none of your words or actions to push me away can change that. Maybe that's what makes us so different. While my presence reminds you of hurts, your presence reminds me that as long as I believe that God still works miracles there is still hope for us. They all say it is the season for miracles and how I've waited for one for so long now. A restoration of all that is broken, a healing for all the hurt, I have a feeling the one thing that will accompany my holidays this year, as in the years past, is the tears that have come for so long now. I will fix my part of dinner that won't be shared with you, I will sit in my place with my head bowed in prayer of thanks, yet with that prayer is a prayer for you, for a miracle. I will decorate the tree with ornaments, lights, and tinsel, and listen to the songs meant to fill the heart with joy. Yet even in those moments I will look back to the years when we laughed and shared those precious moments together. I will wrap presents, write cards, and share laughs and love with others, yet there will be the thought that this year you won't be a part of that; bittersweet in so many ways. So this holiday season I will be praying for you, sending you wishes of joy, happiness, and love from afar. I will look to the sky above knowing that we share the same starry nights, the colder air with breaths that we see, and while those are small I can only hope that just maybe as you look above, you are thinking of me like I am thinking of you. If I was given the chance to express myself to you this year, I would want you to know that no matter what I still love you, I still long for us to come together with smiles and hearts overflowing with love and joy. If I were given a chance to ask Santa for one last thing, it would be a reunion for you and me. While you will probably never know these holidays' wishes of mine, they are there. So happy holidays, I wish I could wrap up my love and send it to you, but instead I will pray God will show all that I wish I could but can't.

I do love them! Please never misunderstand that! I’ve just come to accept the situation as it is. It doesn’t make it better, just easier to handle. Sometimes we just have to stop questioning God and accept where He has us. That is where I am. I can either fight Him or bow my knee and rely on Him to handle the situation. So that’s what I do, humble myself to His plan for my life. I pray I can be better to them in the future, but I won’t expect anything in return because I would just be setting myself up for another fall. God’s will is perfect and that is what I know. So all I have and don’t have is in His perfect hands.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

I Need to Get Busy!

I woke up late this morning, what’s new to that though. So I’m up now and drinking my favorite chocolate coffee! I’m listening to the annoying TV in the background and the dogs play fighting. Danny wants me to help him work on the fence today so I guess we’re going to get out there soon and get started. It’s kind of cold outside today and for whatever reason I’m not in the mood to do anything today. I do need to get dressed and run Ciara’s homework up to the school since she’s in Florida right now. I think she will really enjoy Disney World, I just wish I would have been able to take her. In other news, Ma wants to stay in the hospital another day so I guess for the time being we’re planning on her being home tomorrow, if she doesn’t change her mind again. Danny didn’t go to work again last night because he wasn’t feeling well, but I know he’s missed so much work and he needs to get back as soon as he starts feeling better! I’ve been doing good about not smoking, the patch really seems to help; although this morning I’m really wanting a cigarette, but I won’t smoke one because I don’t have any. I did smoke one on Thanksgiving and felt really bad about it, so I guess that’s a good thing. Ciara is really relieved that I’m stopping smoking and that makes me happy. I know it will be so much cheaper and we’ll save so much money. Now I just have to stop missing smoking. I don’t think the patch will help with that. I did talk to Danny about my friend issue yesterday and he said that it’s really none of my business. You don’t offer advice if they are just needing a shoulder to cry on. And if she does ask for my opinion just to tell her I’ve never been it “that” situation so I really have nothing to offer her. To me that sounds like a lame excuse, but if it gets me out of losing the friendship I guess it will work. Well rambling (because that’s what it’s been) isn’t getting anything accomplished, other than getting this stuff off my chest. But that doesn’t get the house clean or the fence put up. So I guess maybe I’ll get me one more cup of coffee then it’s off to work and drive in CC’s homework. There’s plenty to do today if I just set my mind to it. I just need to shake off this “not wanting to do anything” and get my stuff in order. Oh, we also need to clean out the shed so we can get our Christmas stuff up. Yes there is plenty to do so I better get busy!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

I Do Mean Well

I’m feeling somewhat insensitive today and for that I also feel guilty. A friend of mine is having some “issues”. She wants to cry on my shoulder because of all her woes and lay the blame at other people’s feet, but can’t seem to take any responsibility for her own actions. She stated, in fact, that she can’t see anything she’s done wrong, and I could sit down and give her a whole list. Not very friend-like I know. However, when people fight rarely is it only one persons fault. I think a certain amount of blame can be laid at both sets of feet. I would say this if I hadn’t been in a similar situation myself. But I have been and I have my own share of faults that I’m not proud of. I understand that it may take some time to see the full depth of your own mistakes, but surely you’re able to take some responsibility for the current state of affairs. It truly is a rarity to find one person completely blameless in dramatic situations. I have a hard time giving out advice when one person won’t own up to their own mistakes. To be honest I even have a hard time being sympathetic. Take responsibility; try looking at your own flaws although it can be hard. God is able to change you and your heart. We all sin, it’s just a fact of life, but you truly do need to take the log out of your eye before you start pointing out the spec in your brother’s eye. There is no shame in admitting your faults, but rather freedom. Maybe it takes a person being fully convinced of God’s grace to be able to do this, I’m not sure. But I do know that the inability to do so means you are being prideful. God points these issues out to humble your heart and bring you closer to Him. Be willing to be broken, only to be made new and better in the long run. It’s all a part of God’s great plan for your life and He does know what’s best for you. Take courage in Him because this trial is not the end. He has great things planned for all of us. I wish I could share this with my friend right now, but she’s not open to it. She’s drowning herself in a pity party of her own making. That’s not to say she doesn’t have a reason to be upset because she does! But flaunting the other person’s mistakes in front of ALL people makes her no better. Oh, how I wish she could see this! All I can do for the moment is offer my prayers for this situation because I promise she doesn’t want to hear what I really have to say! She wants to remain the victim and I have a hard time with that. Oh, well I’ve done all I can do or all I am willing to do. So until she changes or my hearts changes I’m afraid the situation will stay the same. Maybe I'm not the greatest friend, but I do mean well.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Cooking a Turkey at 10:00PM...

What kind of crazy am I to be cooking a turkey at 10:00 at night? Yes, that sounds pretty nutso but I have a good reason (that’s what they always say lol). Danny had to go to the ER for his headache again tonight so while I put my turkey in the oven at 5:00pm I had to turn it off at 6:00pm so we just got back home and I had to finish cooking it. I didn’t take an hour and two minutes of my life to thaw a turkey in the microwave to turn around and let it ruin! So I think it will take at least another hour and a half to get it completely done so now I have that much time to kill…what am I going to do? Taking a nap sounds really good, but it’s almost bedtime (well actually it IS bedtime but…) and I don’t want to have to wake up after I fall asleep because I’m too tired to mess with all that. But now I’m wondering how long to you let a turkey cool before you can put it in the refrigerator? I’d really like to be in bed and sleeping before midnight, I just don’t know if it’s going to happen for me. I think cooking a turkey this late makes you a dedicated person, if not totally crazy, because you promised your family a cooked turkey (even if they can’t eat it fresh out of the oven because they are all sleeping!). I also think it makes you economical, because I didn’t waste the $10.00 it cost me, plus the gas to get there and back, plus the time in my life I used to go and get it. Thus, the $10.00 will fill my stomach several times over, the gas was a necessity to see that happen, and my time, well I think I’ve said enough. (LOL) I wonder if I’m delirious at this point in time from lack of sleep that’s keeping me going to make this turkey. Well that and I wanted to try Emril’s recipe from the Food Network. I am just determined to see this done tonight. What’s funny is it’s going to be a lightly smoked turkey because something spilled in the bottom of the oven so smoke is coming up and it’s also making the house a little smokey too. Either this turkey is going to be the best we’ve ever had, or it will be the worse because I left it sitting in an off oven for three plus hours while we were away. It will either be juicy and wonderful, or dry like a mouth full of sand. I think I will be a good wife and let Danny try the turkey out first. Yes I will give of myself in more than just cooking for him; I’ll let him be the first to try it too. God loves a giving heart, right? I’ll even let him have the turkey skin (oh come on you know it’s the best part of the turkey!) too! Well maybe not all the skin, but a good portion of it. Well it does look as though the couch is temporarily calling my name. We’ll just think of it as a short snooze before bedtime, a pre-nap to the long nap. Yes I think I’ll nap before my turkey and after it too, because I can have the best of both worlds! Now as long as I hear that timer go off, everything will be fine otherwise, Mr. Tom may be helpless this year. No I’ll get up and take care of Mr. Tom, I didn’t go to all this trouble just to see him go to waste. Now for that short nap…

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Jen and an Update on Ma

Well three days have come and gone and I haven’t been on the computer and I was beginning to go through withdraws lol. I have been down at the in-laws house taking care of Jen and all that it entails and for those who know Jen, you know it’s a lot. She kept having seizures while I was up there and they can get pretty scary. There was so much going on with her this time that I am mentally and physically exhausted. Her schizophrenia was acting up really bad and for two nights straight she didn’t sleep at all, but was taking to her “people”. I kept telling her it was time to be quiet and go to sleep but it would give her no rest. One person she talks to is John F Kennedy Jr. (the one who died in a plane accident). He is always upsetting her and “taking” her stuff. If something can’t be found, for whatever reason, then John took it. He tells her mean things, that she believes, and it makes her cry. The more upset she gets the more prone she is to get the seizures. On Thanksgiving night she was upset and scared with Ma being home and she kept having the seizures, one right after the other. The bad thing is that unless it’s a grand mal seizure there is really nothing you can do but try and calm her down. Last night she kept calling out Ma’s name and you could tell it was upsetting Ma because she couldn’t do anything to help her. Ma was resting on the couch, as she should be, and is in no condition to be up walking around. Speaking of Ma, she does get to come home on Sunday. The doctors gave her an eight hour pass yesterday so she could come home for Thanksgiving. She asked for a plate of food and we gave her small portions of everything and she ate it all! What a joyous time! When we began listing our blessings you can bet she was at the top of the list. She seemed to really enjoy herself. We were concerned that it may wear her out, but she rested well and took little naps, but did wonderfully well. I wonder if she didn’t wait to come home on Sunday so Jen would already be home (Jen is leaving tomorrow) and it wouldn’t upset Jen anymore. It’s just a thought, or it could be she just needs those extra days to rest up at the hospital, a little more time to recover. Whatever the case I know she’ll be glad to be home, and well be glad she’s there too. Other than that, Tanya and I cooked our little hearts out yesterday for Thanksgiving. I was so thankful for all her help and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without her! We had so much food left over that we’ll be eating nothing but that for a solid week. We didn’t get any turkey (well just enough for one turkey sandwich) so I may go by a turkey breast and cook it (considering they will be cheap now!) so we can have left over turkey to go with the rest of our meal. Again, just a thought, but I think it’s a good one. I know Danny would love and he enjoys eating the leftover turkey sandwiches so I may try and sneak out today (on Black Friday no less) and go get a turkey. I’ll ask Danny and see what he thinks. Well you’d think I would have more to report, but I don’t, well not anything that anyone would want to hear anyways. So with that I will begin my day and my best wishes to everyone!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

ER and Other Stuff...

I woke up this morning to Ciara talking on the phone to my mom and grandma again. She’s been on that phone so much lately with them and to be honest it makes me mad. They abuse the fact that she has her own phone to get around talking to me. It only makes the relationship worse. I get so frustrated with them, this relationship would be easy to fix if they just put some effort forth. But I am guessing they don’t want to fix it, instead they want to hold on to resentments and pass offensives that I am unaware of. I know God knows what He is doing, but sometimes I question why things can’t be better. Honestly though, their bitterness has filled them with so much poison that I don’t want a relationship that’s toxic.

In other news we went to the ER last night with Danny again for his headache. They gave him two shots in the back of his skull and they looked so incredibly painful! It numbed his skull and he said it seemed to help some. The doctors gave him a new medicine to try and see if they can’t get rid of this thing finally. I know he’s sicker of that headache than I am. I can’t imagine living with a horrible headache for three straight weeks.

I guess I need to get off here and start working on the house again, but I don’t want to. I need to make up a list of everything I’m making for Thanksgiving and get a shopping list made. I’d rather go shopping today when the stores won’t be as crowded as they will be tomorrow. I could also, possibly, make up my pie crust today and get them rolled out and put in the freezer for Thursday. So many ideas and so little energy. But something has got to get done so I’m off to do whatever that may be.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Why Did I Ever Start???

I’ve really wanted to quit smoking for awhile now, but it’s so much harder than it appears. I want to kick myself for ever picking it up! A little rebellion goes a long way. All my life I had been told “you can’t do this, you can’t do that” and I thought, “I’ll show you”! Never did I think they were as addictive as what everyone said they were. But I’m finding now that they are almost comforting. That sounds weird to even me, but I miss it and it’s only my first day. I’m scared if I don’t quit now, I’ll never quit. I could really see myself as a smoker for life. What’s crazy is they smell horrible, they taste bad, and they make you stink, along with a myriad of other reasons. I want to go outside, but every time I went outside I would smoke. I smoked when I got in the car and for no reason at all. I really wanted to be stopped by Thanksgiving so I’m doing what I should be doing. I went and bought the patch, but I’m finding it a poor substitute for actually smoking. It’s the act of smoking, not smoking itself. The patch has helped with the cravings, but I still want a cigarette. To make matters worse Danny wants me to go outside with him while he smokes. The deal was we were supposed to quit together, but I don’t know if he will ever quit. He says he wants to, he’s just waiting for the right time, but I don’t know that there is ever a “good” time to stop. I’ve prayed that God would deliver me from this, but it looks like I’m going to have to do it the hard way. I guess it’s only fitting since I started in an act of defiance. Never would I have pictured myself as a smoker because I was such an avid nonsmoker! I hated the smell and everything that went along with it. Now I have a daughter begging me to stop and I feel convicted that I need to stop. It’s just not as easy as I thought it would be. I have a new respect for those who quit smoking. To think I just started back in March and yesterday I was up to a pack in 24 hours. For some reason it just came naturally to me, just like sin does. So I’m going to sip my coffee and read my Bible study and do it all without a cigarette. I’m praying hard that this time is successful and that the desire to smoke leaves me altogether. I pray I go back to hating cigarette’s like I used to and that this will be just a time when realized how quickly sin can get its hold on you. It will be minute by minute, day by day, and month by month. The one thing I know is I can never pick them up again! I pray God continues to convict me that this is not the way I should be treating my body. My body is a temple to the Holy Spirit and there is no place for smoking in my life. With His help I shall overcome this too.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

This Morning

I went to see Anita today and she thinks I am doing well. We went over the past two weeks events and it’s amazing how fast 45 minutes go. She is such a blessing in my life! Right now I’m trying to get in the mood to clean the kitchen and the rest of the house. I know later on I’ll have to go sit with Jen, if not stay the night over there. Ciara is in the kitchen making us so homemade pancakes right now and that sounds so good for breakfast! She’s such a dear. Last night we went over to Roy’s house to see Jen and watch the Bears play. I went to sleep before they finished the game so I’m still not sure of the outcome. Hopefully they won. I was so tired last night from taking that headache medicine but I’m happy to report that today it is gone! I’m so tired of getting these headaches and they seem to be happening with greater intensity and more frequently. I think it’s about time to go get those shots in my neck again. I just went into the kitchen to put out a small fire on the stove and as Ciara is cooking these pancakes I see she has the burner on high! Bless her heart, she is still learning to cook, but she’s doing a great job. She’s getting so big so fast! I’m still waiting on word to see if I’m going to go back and work for John and Renee again. I’m not sure if this is what God wants me to do, but I figure if I get the job it’s what He wants for me. So often I’m unsure of what His will is for my life so I am constantly praying that He opens doors He wants me to go through and closes the ones He doesn’t want for me. It’s my only way of knowing what He wants from me. I think I will sit down for awhile today and work on my Bible study some more, because heaven knows I need it. In the mean time I have to start working on that kitchen! I want the house clean for Thanksgiving because I think we are doing Thanksgiving breakfast for the girls again. I don’t know if I want to do that, because I’m pretty sure they will all be down for Thanksgiving dinner later that evening and I don’t see the need to do two big meals that day. I know it would be nice to just have our family, but it’s such a big chore and I know I’ll have to be up early anyways to start cooking for dinner. We have planned to make so much for dinner I wonder if I’m overextending myself. I’m sure I’ll have to get Danny’s help in making some of the stuff. I can’t imagine doing a whole dinner myself. I know the day will come, when we have grandkids that I’ll be doing that, but hopefully that not for years to come. I guess I better get off the computer for awhile and start my day here at the house, but I’m procrastinating as long as I can lol. But it’s not going to clean it’s self and Ciara can’t help today because she has too much homework to do so she can go to Disney World with her dad. I’ll miss her so much while she’s gone. Ok now’s the time. I’m really getting off of here. I’m just in the mood to write today although it seems to be pointless and aimless things. But there is always time to do more later…

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Still Battling this Headache...

I’m writing just a short note for now because my head is killing me! Roy went to pick up Jen today and I’m sure I’ll do my fair share of taking care of her. Ma was in good spirits today but I think she’s scared of getting up and trying to walk. I fed her some ice chips and she really enjoyed it! Ciara has a ton of homework because she’s going to Disney World next week with her dad. She’s out of school this whole next week so she should have plenty of time to get it done! I’m really sick of getting these headaches. I took Danny to the ER last night for his headache and I think they finally gave him some medicine that may be helping, praise God! Last night at church, the Thanksgiving dinner was a huge success. After we ate we went in the sanctuary and sang our favorite songs and gave so testimony if we so chose. After that we took communion and it was just a wonderful time. I have an appointment with Anita tomorrow and then I’m sure I’ll be down at the house taking care of Jen. I’m still trying to get a job, and I’ve just prayed it would be the one God would want me to have. I have the faith that He’ll provide the perfect one for me! God is such an awesome God!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Headache...

I woke up this morning with one of my headaches and it makes me mad. I have too much to do today to have a headache! I’ll be cooking most of the day trying to get ready for Thanksgiving dinner tonight at church. Ciara is helping me out by peeling potatoes and Shay helped out by going and getting dog food and feeding the horses. I don’t know what I would do without them! They are such a blessing to me! Danny, too, has a headache so he’s sleeping right now, though he’ll have to get up soon to smoke the turkeys. I’m making garlic mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce, homemade bread, and probably an apple pie. I’m still thinking about the apple pie and it will probably depend on this headache. Pumpkin pie would be easier, but that still means making pie dough and rolling it out. There is so much to do and we have to be there by 5:30. My main prayer request is that this headache goes away. Right now it’s time to get busy. I’m excited about tonight because after supper we are having communion or as Pastor Don put it, the Lord’s Supper. Although we do this every month, I think tonight will be special as I reflect on all the things I am thankful for. Well I better get busy because this food isn’t going to cook itself! More later…

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Should Be Cleaning...

I need to clean my house so badly, but for the life of me I can’t find the energy to do it. I know a good house wife would get off her duff and do it anyway, so what does that make me? Tomorrow we have our Thanksgiving dinner at church and I would like the kitchen to be clean so it won’t be so hard to work in. I know I just need to get up and do it, but I need some motivation that I can’t seem to find. If I started working on my whole house today it would take me weeks to really clean it, yes it’s that bad. I’m still looking for that magical cleaning lady that doesn’t charge you to come clean house, but we all know she is just a figment of my imagination. I remember a time when I was working on it from the first thing in the morning until last thing at night, but the desire has left me. That doesn’t mean I don’t want a clean house because I do, and I don’t necessarily want someone else to do it, because they probably wouldn’t do it right (by my standards). So I guess all that’s left to do is just get up and do it! Oh, sometimes I wonder if a job wouldn’t be good for me to give me some sense of purpose. Not that I don’t, I should. I’m a firm believer that a housewife should be able to keep up with her house especially since Danny works and brings in our only income. So with that in mind I guess I’ll get up and clean. Wish me luck!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Peace Has been Granted to Me

Well this morning went as well as could be expected. I ended up not talking to them at all because I was cooking the whole time I was there. I didn’t know I would be doing this, but apparently it was in God’s plan, for what reason I’m unsure of. I just wish they could forgive and not be bitter for reasons that escape me. They (mom and grandma) tell me I’ve done something wrong but refuse to tell me what it is. I don’t know what to ask forgiveness for when I don’t know what it is I’ve done wrong. When we were in counseling I did ask for forgiveness for whatever they thought that I did was wrong, but mom said it is unforgivable. Until she can forgive for the unknown, I’m stuck missing them. I do love them dearly, I just hate how they act and their lack of unforgiveness. It makes them very bitter and that’s just no way to live a life. What a miserable existence! The Lord has everything in His hands so I rest in that. He has given me a peace that I’ve done all I can do. Ciara was a little upset that I didn’t come over to sit with them, but she understood that I was cooking and delivering food to the kids. She just wishes things were different, but I do too! Her wish for Christmas is to be able to see them, and I hate I won’t be able to give her her ultimate wish. We don’t do holidays with them anymore because they are so hostile, awkward, and downright uncomfortable. I can’t do anymore than what I’ve already done. I’ve reached out to them time and time again, only to be turned away. For a daughter, not having your mother in your life is heartbreaking! Sometimes you just need your mommy, and I just don’t have that. What I do have is an awesome church family that has stepped in to be my family. They love me unconditionally, flaws and all. It’s a Christ-like love that’s so amazing and I thank God for them. Other than that I have one family member, Karen, that still loves me and talks to me, but the rest of the family refuses to talk to me. God has given me His great and wonderful peace through all of this. You have to come to a peace to be able to deal with it. How I wish things were different! But the Lord knows better than me and maybe one day He will see fit to heal this great chasm that exist between us. Until that time I rest in His promises that He loves us all unconditionally and will never leave us or forsake us. I have made a promise to the Lord and to myself that no matter what my kids may do, I will still love them unconditionally. I won’t deny them the love that has been denied to me. Sometimes I wonder where things went so terribly wrong. Some of the things I know but just simply don’t understand. However, there are still those things that remain a mystery to me. I have told myself I must stop trying to understand it, some things just can’t be explained. But the Lord is with and will see me through this, His plan is perfect for me so I must rest in this. This is what I rest in. So my prayer is that I will be obedient to all He would call me to do. Whatever love I am supposed to extend to them, I pray that through His great power I will be able to do this. I can do all things through Christ who gives me His strength. He is everything I need and how could I ever think that He is any less than that! He is my rock, my strength, and my shield, my great Comforter, my beloved Bridegroom. He is my all in all and through all this may the glory go to Him alone.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Work, or Not to Work, that is the Question...

For awhile now I’ve been praying on whether or not I should get a job. Things have been tight since I stopped working for the Keathley’s, but we’ve manage to get by. Of course, that was before Danny got the truck and now with Christmas coming up and Ciara’s birthday, times are going to be tighter than ever. Tanya is working up at the Corner Tag Agency and they’ve had a full time position come open. This is the second time this job has become available, but I’ve put off putting in an application because frankly I don’t want to work forty hours a week. I am much more suited for a part time position. If I get this job it will mean that Danny has to get up every day and pick Ciara up at school and with him working, I wonder if this would really happen. He really wants me to try for this position and he said even if it were just for a few months it would really help out. I think I have felt God tugging at my heart about this, but sometimes I have trouble discerning between God’s voice and the voices inside my head (lol). Tanya called me yesterday and said the position was available again. One of my other concerns is that both times the position became available both girls only lasted 2-3 days. Is the job that difficult; is the boss that overbearing that they could only last that long? Or is it simply it didn’t work out because I am meant to have this job. To be honest, working forty hours a week through the holidays has no appeal to me, but maybe it would take some stress off knowing we had more money coming in. Right now I’m just not sure. I know working with Tanya would be very nice, but that can’t be my reason for going to work. I don’t want to resent Danny either for him wanting me to get this job either. I don’t think I would even entertain the thought of going to apply if he wasn’t giving me a gentle push. The other concern is how will it affect my depression? Maybe it will help because I will have a sense of purpose, or it could totally stress me out and make the depression worse. I would also be working every Saturday so I could have off a half a day during the week to go to my counselor’s appointments and my other doctor’s appointments. I don’t want to work on Saturday’s but what are my other options? Michelle thought there might be a part time job working with the Keathley’s again, but Danny didn’t really want me doing that since he feels working there sent me into my depression. I know working there was stressful, but I would be doing something totally different this time, but I still haven’t heard back from Michelle to see if the position had even been created. I’m really not sure what I should be doing. Working full time, part time, or not working at all. I know I do love staying at home and the luxuries it allows, but there are also other luxuries I’ve had to give up to stay here. My question would then be; has the sacrifices that had to be made to stay at home worth it? Right now I would say yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not supposed to go out and apply for that job. So in light of all this, I guess I need to start getting ready to go up there and put in an application. I relying on the fact that if God doesn’t want me to have this position He will make sure I don’t get it. I’m also praying that if He does want me to have the position He will open that door and give me the strength to accomplish it. There is so much to think about that I haven’t really been able to enjoy my chocolate coffee as I contemplate all of this. It is a beautiful morning, as I sit out here typing this. I want to do the will of God, and I know He will be faithful to show me what that will is, if I just depend on Him. I do wonder what it will mean for my Bible study? Will I be able to keep it up working this much? And I know that these relaxing mornings typing and enjoying the sun will be gone, but if my family benefits from me doing this, then isn’t it worth it? So many questions, so early in the morning. All I know is God will bring to pass His plan in my life and whatever He works out will be in my best interest, of this I can be certain!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Another Update on Ma and More...

I’m sitting outside this morning enjoying a beautiful day. It’s a little cool, but no breeze and the sun feels so good! I pray that today is a good day. Danny got a call last night at 2:00am about Ma. Her oxygen level went into the 40’s and they had to put her on a respirator. It’s a setback but not anything she can’t overcome with the help of God Almighty. I hate that she’s had this setback but what are you going to do? Nothing but pray! I want to see her home by Thanksgiving but I’m beginning to wonder if this is possible. The doctor’s had already expected that she would be out of the ICU by now, yet here she is back on a respirator. They also had to start weaning her off the strong medication that she’s on and it’s going to be so painful for her with that incision still being opened. Now I don’t know when they will start trying to do this, but I expect it when they move her to a normal room, whenever that may be. All I know is right now she needs our prayers and that is exactly what she’s going to get. When I talked with Danny he said they had her sedated so she wouldn’t fight the respirator. I will go up to the hospital today and probably stay while Roy goes home to feed the animals. Tonight is church night and we will be looking at Job 2. I look at his life and wonder how his faith stayed so strong. I have been talking about my weak faith lately, but through this Bible study, “Believing God”, I think it’s starting to grow again. Having faith through trying times is so hard. I do wonder how Ma’s faith is holding up with all that is going on. Last night as I did the Bible study it asked me what my chief prayer request were and I said for my whole family to “know” and love God unconditionally. There is no greater prayer than this and that through “knowing” Him that they might come to live a life that will bring glory to His name. I know I have lost family members and I pray for their souls. I don’t want anyone to be lost and I pray my life is an example to them. Sometimes I wonder how it could be with me living with depression and needing to be on medicine to be “normal”. But that is not my concern because God can handle that. So as I still out here this morning surveying the wonder of His creation, I thank Him for loving me. It just goes to prove what an awesome God He is that He would choose to love someone as sinful as me. I know my heart and I know my mind and I pray that God cleanses my mind and consecrates my heart wholly unto Him. I will enjoy this morning (with my chocolate coffee lol) and begin my Bible study again. I will pray that God uses me today in a powerful way that I am not expecting. Those types of prayers are hard because you are opening yourself up to the great unknown. However, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Please remember to pray for Ma and for her complete healing. She needs our prayers so desperately right now! And God will be faithful to hear us and answer us according to His will and great purpose for our lives! To Him alone be the glory and honor forever and ever!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Chocolate Coffee

A cup of chocolate coffee is not a bad way to start out a day! It’s cold outside today and we have a few things to be doing out there. Carmel keeps getting out of the fence so we are going to get a new battery for the electrical fence so it will zap him whenever he tries to get out. Then it’s off to go get two round bales of hay for the horses. Not to mention a quick pass by the doctor’s office to drop off some paperwork, then it’s off to the hospital to see how Ma is doing! I need to be cleaning on the house because it’s become a mess again. I go in spurts of cleaning, then not cleaning at all, not cooking, doing a bunch of nothing. The counselor says I just need to make myself do it, but that is easier said than done. It’s nice and peaceful this morning, with no TV on, just the sound of the dogs playing and running around. This would be a good morning to do my Bible study, but I need to jump in the shower and get cleaned up so we can be on our way. I would say that this chocolate coffee sure is yummy! It’s better than regular old coffee any day of the week. Coffee is great, chocolate is better, and put the two together and ahhh. Yep that’s what kind of morning I’m having, an ahh morning. I hope it stays this way the rest of the day! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me today. This is a day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. I love that song! I wish I felt like rejoicing every day, but I’ll make do rejoicing in Him today. I wonder if Jesus would like chocolate coffee? Just a thought. How neat would it be to invite Him to sit down and just chat over a cup of coffee! Sounds like a perfect way to start out a day. So maybe I’ll pull out that Bible for a few minutes and read, invite Him to sit down with me while I enjoy this cup! Now that sounds like the best plan of the day!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

An update on Ma

Well we spent another day up at the hospital with Ma and each time we see her she just keeps getting better and better! The doctor said they could remove the tube that went in her nose, down into the stomach to drain it, and they did that. Then he said she could start drinking water, juice, and eating jello. When he said that I almost started crying! It’s been such a long time, since February, since she’s been able to eat or drink! He said if things continue to go well they might move her out of ICU tomorrow into a regular room and if she continues to improve at the rate she’s going she could be release from the hospital on Thursday or Friday. God has been so good to us through all of this and I can’t see how anyone could deny His great love towards us! He never ceases to amaze me, but that’s because He is an all-powerful amazing God! Our prayer through all of this is that her healing would be to the glory of God and I don’t think anyone would deny that is exactly what has happened. Praise Him for His goodness, praise Him for His love! This has brought so many people closer to Him and I don’t doubt this was all a part of His plan. Her pain is still pretty bad, but they are keeping it under control with pain medicine. My only concern is what’s going to happen when she gets home and can’t get the pain medicine she’s getting now. I know God has it all under control so I don’t need to concern myself with it. God will continue to heal her and bring her the comfort she needs, this I am sure of.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

God is who He says He is!

I’m doing a Bible study right now, Believing God, by Beth Moore. Often we believe in God but it’s much harder to believe Him. The chapter I worked on today was God is who He says He is. This is a really good study for me right now since my faith has been struggling so much this past year. God is so big and it’s talks about not putting Him in a box. I wonder how often I do that? I know that as much as I believe in God, that during these times of trouble and depression I have struggled so much more believing Him perfect will for me and for my life. He is faithful and true in all things and I must stop relying on how I feel and concentrate on what I know to be true and that is Him. Faith is believing (not feeling) in what you know whether you have seen it or not. One thing that has been bothering me is my lack of faith in what seems to be in simple things. God and I have this thing going that He gives me great parking spaces if I take in a basket. I know it may seem crazy but it’s true. If I can trust God in parking spaces, why can’t I trust Him in all things? If He is in control in where I park why don’t I let Him control the “driving” in all my life? If I can believe Him to provide me with the perfect spot why can’t I trust Him in where He has me in my life right now? For me, right now, there are no easy answers. Why would I presume to know more than Him in my everyday life? If He really is a big God (and He is) why can’t I “let” Him be big in all things? I am always trying to “understand” why He has me here rather than resting in His promises and knowing He is completing a good work in me. There are just some things that aren’t meant to be understood. If we could understand God He wouldn’t be that big!! I am working on believing Him in all things, but I wonder how good I’m really doing in it. I am anxious to see where He takes me in this Bible study and I pray it will deepen my faith. I do believe this book can be a faith growing book if I allow Him to convict my heart and allow that change to come. My faith needs to be refined, of that there is no doubt. I just wonder how I got to where I am now to where I was when I trusted in Him completely even when we had so many trials going on. I know He can heal me from this depression if He so chooses, but I wonder why I must go through it. I wonder how this depression can be a good thing in my life, but who am I to question God? Either God is who He says He is or He is not worthy of our faith and He is a liar. But thank God He clearly states in His Word that there is no deceit in Him. He is worthy of all our faith and all our trust. This has been an uphill battle and I know I’m not to the other side yet, but by the grace of God, He will see me through this. I wonder if He not teaching me patience during this time; to be still and “know” He is God and to find a peace in all things. One thing is for sure is I have been missing a peace in my life for so long now. I still “feel” depressed, but how much of that is doubting God? Shame on me! He has done too much in my life for me to doubt Him! He continues to prove Himself over and over again. He is worthy of all the trust I have to give! Once I put all my trust in Him in all things, once again I will be able to see His glory in my life. Until I trust Him, I fear I will stay depressed and without peace. How can peace be found with so little faith in Him? Simply put, it can’t! I serve a Mighty God that can deliver me from all things. I must stop doubting His way and just follow where ever He goes. He won’t lead me into trouble, not saying there won’t be trouble along the way. But He holds me through it all and carries where I cannot walk. He carries me now even when I can’t feel it and I’m learning that it’s what you know, not what you feel, that counts. May my All Power Lord continue to prove Himself strong! I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel because He promises never to leave me or forsake me. That’s a hard thought when I feel so unworthy of His love. But again I go back to “feeling”, when I know otherwise. He is teaching me slowly because He knows I am a slow learner. We’ve been over this before and I’m beginning to think that faith is an ongoing lesson that never ends. He is building my faith so that when other times come I won’t go back and start relying on myself again. I will go nowhere good when I choose to rely on me. I am so glad He is a longsuffering God because otherwise I fear He would have given up on me a long time ago. He blesses me with so much and I am worthy of none of it. What an awesome God we serve! It’s by His grace alone that I am called His child. He teaches me gently and lovingly and I am so thankful for His patience. God is who He says He is of this I am certain!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

How Great is Our God

Our worst fears as Christians rarely ever happen. This is what my pastor has said again and again. Today I found that to be true. I had a great fear that Ma wouldn’t make it through the surgery today, but pastor’s words rang true. She made it through ok but only by the grace of God. God has shown Himself so powerful through all of this and He never ceases to amaze me. Our prayer all along has been that Ma’s healing would be to His great glory and I have no doubt this is the case. It does break my heart to see her in such great pain, but I know it will pass and she will have a greater quality of life after this. This past year she has merely been existing and not great at that. But God has offered her a new opportunity to live. He has granted us more time with her and for that I am so grateful. This Thanksgiving will be a special one for all of us as we thank Him for His rich blessings in our lives and by renewing Ma. I told Danny it would be a joyous day to see her eat jello again and even more when she can eat solid foods. This is a good day. It’s a day that God has given us and we will be glad in it. Praise be to Him and His miraculous plan for our lives. I don’t know what the future holds, none of us do, but whatever that plan is, it’s in His perfect will that it happens. Praise God for His great goodness towards us, His love is everlasting to everlasting. God alone will receive the glory for all that happens in this and in all things. I’m so glad to know Him as my Savior and to be called a child of God. I wouldn’t have wanted to live this day any way other than the way it was lived; resting in His perfect peace and lavished in His abundant mercy. How great is our God!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Bonfire

Last night the bonfire was so amazing! It reminded how very much I miss all the girls being out here together. The mood was light and happy! The moon was huge and beautiful, a perfect autumn evening. God just continues to show me how very much He loves me by all the blessings He bestows on me. How great is the blessing of my family! I do love them so very much! It was a blessed time to spend with them. These times are so rare anymore, being able to get all the girls together, and so very precious! It warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. I can’t remember the last time we were able to spend all day with Megan and it was so great. Brenna misses her wife (me) and I miss her living here too. Shannon is becoming such a beautiful young woman and her love of life amazes me. Ciara is getting so big so fast and I look at them all and wonder where the time went and how did it fly by so very fast. I looked away for but a moment and in that moment time changed so much. I look back with joy in my heart not necessarily longing for those days back (well maybe just a little), but I do look forward to the days to come and more memories that we can make together. There will be more bonfires and holidays to make memories together and how I look forward to those times! In the mean time I will cherish the memories we’ve made and hold them close to my heart.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Carrying the Weaker Brother's Burdens...

I just got finished listening to last week’s sermon online and am waiting for this week’s to be posted so I can listen to that one also. The recording is really a blessing when I’m in teaching the kids; yet don’t want to miss out on being fed. As I listen I found I have to take notes to keep my mind from wandering. Here are a few things that came to mind as I listened to carrying the weaker brother’s burdens…
• Do I want others to bear my burdens?
• Christ, here on earth, did not please Himself, but obeyed the Father by seeking the Holy Spirit. (that’s a hard concept to get your mind around…)
• Christ’s goal on earth was to win the lost, not please the people.
• There is no truth or light in the world’s group.
• Every reason Christ was hated was because of His obedience to the Father’s will and His holiness.
• God chases me to show me His truth and lavish His love on me.
• When I allow Him to meet with me, my spirit will be lifted.
• We leak truth…we have to be continually taught the same truths we have already been taught because they leak out. It may have been something we’ve know our whole life, but it must continually be reiterated.
• God comes to us gently, never harshly. He teaches me by love! His discipline is always out of love and never harshness. It’s because of His great love that He gave up His only Son so why then would He treat us with anything but the love that caused Him to give up His Son? Love is His motivator, His way, His being.
• The hope I have in Christ eliminates fear. I must learn to walk and live my life in this truth!
• God is, by nature, an encourager!
• We are required to hold up the weaker brother and bear their burdens because it is what Christ does for us and He is the ultimate example in the way we are to live our lives. We don’t do it out of obligation, but out of love, just as Christ did and does for us.
These are some points for me to ponder through this next week. I pray that I am not this weaker brother that others must come along and bear up, but I don’t know that I would consider me the stronger brother either. I think they mean weak in the flesh, the sin nature, and basically a baby in Christ. I have been a Christian for so long now, however, I feel like there is so much still for me to learn and that I’m not as mature as I should be in Him. The main thing I will focus on is that the hope I have in Him takes away my fears, because while I “know” this, I’m not living it. This will be my prayer for the week, that I may trust in the hope that He has given and have my fears relieved.

Melissa Fitzwilliam