God's great love for Edom!! (and me!)

It started out as such a good day. I went and helped Jean up at the school, trying to get her room ready for the big day. Ciara left (sadness) to be with her dad today. I did a little shopping and came home. When I got home I realized I needed to feed the dogs and started calling them. Well Rucca and Amos came but Edom wasn’t coming. This is so unlike her. I continued to call until I realized I was going to have to look for her because something was wrong. I could just feel it, she always comes when it’s time to eat. I didn’t have to look far, God led me to her. She was lying under the truck whining and all curled up in a ball. Once I was able to coax her out I could see she was bleeding and she wouldn’t put any weight on her back right leg. It looked like a fresh hurt. I whisked her up and took her straight to the vet. When we got there they said they would have to keep her to see what was going on and they asked if she could’ve been hit by a car. I told them since we live on a dead end I didn’t see how it was possible but who knows. They told me they would give me a call after they were able to x-ray her and give me the results. When they called back I was astounded! Yes her leg was broke, but it was because someone had shot her with a gun. They said she has shrapnel in her leg and to get it fixed would be around $800.00. How do we come up with that kind of money? She’s only two years old and is the sweetest and gentlest dog we have and putting her down just didn’t seem right. Well I prayed on the way to church looking for some kind of answer on why someone would do this and how were we going to be able to fix it. I felt silly for asking prayer for wisdom at church on this issue, but that is so much money and money that we don’t have. This is Ciara’s dog and how do I explain to her that someone shot her dog and we didn’t have the money to have the surgery done so we put her to sleep. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Well God is good, He is always good. After church let out I talked with Hiawatha and Gary and they both want to help out getting Edom fixed. What an awesome God I serve! My heart was just breaking over the decision and God took it right out of my hands! God has given us the most amazing church family, better than any biological family we could ask for! My heart is bursting with praise and love right now. Animals just become a part of the family and to lose one of them is devastating and Ciara has already lost so many that to lose another one is just cruel. But it won’t have to be something I worry about now. God always has everything under control even when things appear to be in chaos. It makes me feel ashamed that my faith isn’t bigger than what it should be! I am humbled by His grace and mercy and I am bewildered by His great love. Who would have thought that a broken leg on a dog could bring out such an amazing demonstration of His great love towards us! Saying all this, I can’t let Danny’s response go unnoticed. When I told him, he wasted no time in saying we would do the surgery and just put it on a credit card and pay it out. His love for animals goes as deep as mine does, but not deeper than God’s love for them. Yes He cares for us all, great and small. It does go to show you never can know what a day will hold for you. You wake up and everything is fine, but it can all change in a moment. Just ask Job. Well it’s the end of the day now and I am here all alone again and I hate that. But I will rest in the arms of the One who loves me so and I pray rest easy tonight. I serve a great and powerful, yes holy, God and I am humble to be called His child. I have the best Daddy in the whole universe, literally! He loves me so and I love Him so! Forever He is my Beloved and forever I am His!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Night Wind

Night wind, come and whisper
Tell me soft and quietly
About this dark hour’s vision
Slowly unfolding before me
Night wind, sing a song
Gently in the night
Serenade me with the stars
Glimmering their soft light
Night wind, touch me softly
Ease me into dreams so sweet
Caress me oh so lightly
Reveries take me deep
Night wind, rock me gently
In the dark come cradle me
Surrendering to your lullaby
This peace I will keep
Night wind, come enfold me
Seep me while I dream
Hold me tight forever
Cradled in moon beams

Melissa Fitzwilliam

He is Enough

A day of rain is not what I needed. But some days I’m not sure what I need. Today I need to be busy and get my mind on things other than the recent events that have surrounded us. Peace is what I long for, what I desire, but it remains elusive. The rains dampen my spirits and make me long for something more. God has offered me much, yet I, myself, hold me back from grasping all that is within my reach. A residing joy can’t be found, nor can I grasp how to gain it. I need so much, yet I’ve been given so much, so why isn’t it enough. My God is enough, all that I need, so why can’t I cling to it with all that I am? As much as I look for a reason for my depression, I can find no answers. It is what it is. A burdensome load that I carry every day, it is my undesired yoke with no idea how to be rid of it. He would take it from me, if only I would let Him, which leaves me wondering why do I hold on to it so tight. I have come to realize that depression is not a choice; it truly is a medical condition, just not one I would choose to have. This isn’t to say that the days aren’t getting better because they are. I have come so far in this past month, just not far enough. I have high expectations for myself and I fall short of them all. I can’t expect so much out of myself, when I know I will only let me down. But that doesn’t mean I quit trying. I must reevaluate my goals that I have set and put them at a reachable level, one that I can achieve. At this moment I don’t feel like I achieve much at all. I wait expectedly on Him to bring healing to my soul and restore to a better place. I want to be that tower of strength, found only in Him, during these trials. At one point in time I was there, but I have backslidden so far that even with each baby step I take it feels like it will take me forever to come out on the other side of this valley. Maybe the lowest of the valley is done and now I am on the uphill climb out of it, which makes it so hard. The dark isn’t as dark as it use to be, but a gloominess still surrounds me. I long to feel the warmth of the Son and to praise Him in truth. I sing the songs of praise yet my heart feels so far. While I’m not an empty shell, I am only partially filled, but I still have a huge God shaped hole that is within me. I know He has promised He is with me always and in my mind I know He is there. It’s my spirit that needs to be awakened from this long slumber and be set anew with a fire that burns for Him. I pray that the Spirit guides me each day and shows me His love in a new form that I have yet to experience, but there are some days I wonder if He was even here at all. It is my own failings that bring me to this. I can know the promises He has made, but feeling them within is something I have yet to achieve. I find it hard to call on Him seeing the depths of my sin nature, which only leaves me to believe I am not embracing the grace which is rightfully mine. Why would l deny His grace? Why do I believe I am above saving? I am saved by His Truth, but I long for Him to let it resound within my soul. His love beckons me and He is out searching for this little lamb of His, so it me that is hiding? Why would I be scared of being found? He left the ninety-nine and is searching for me, calling me by name and I know His voice so why do I run? What am I scared of letting go of? All my own ways have let me down, yet when I put my faith and trust in Him, He has never failed me. Some part of me thinks I don’t need to find my way back because He’ll meet me right where I am and He’ll carry me back to where I belong. So why do I fight this internal battle trying to be worthy of saving? Why can’t I accept His unmerited grace for what it is and claim it as mine? In my heart He is my treasure and I do seek Him, so what is holding me back so? I love the fact that He is my Beloved and I am His. My forever Bridegroom and me forever the bride. I am meant to live a life lavished in His unending and boundless love so why do I feel I am so far away. I pray He finds me where I sit and carries me back in His loving arms and shelters me under the shadow of His wings. I am a child of God and no one, not even myself, can deny me this. When will I begin to act as a child of God and exude the godliness I love to live in? When will I throw away the rags that I wear and trade it for the purity that is mine to have? Is the day drawing near? When I can cast away all my fears? Only He knows and soon, very soon, He will save me from this valley that I travel.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Lost

Surrounded in a growing darkness, blinded in the low lying fog, chilled in the gentle mist, I am lost. Everywhere I look I see the grayness and murkiness of the fog that seems determined to stay. How I long when I was bathed in sunlight, on bright glorious days. It seems I have walked in this wet forest, circling this stagnate bog, for so long. I’m chilled to the bone with nowhere to warm myself, no fire to draw close to, no shelter in which to hide. There is no soft bed to lay my weary head, as I grow so tired, no, exhausted from this ever onward journey that takes me nowhere. I can find no fresh water so I might drink deep and be refreshed. I long for food to fill this emptiness that gnaws at me. The aches run deep and the hope grows dim. It’s ever the coming of night and never the breaking of dawn; always reaching an end and never the start of a new beginning. The color of gray, that lights my way, may change for the lighter or darker, but it’s always gray. Sometimes so close to the black of night, but never to the bright of day. I’m lost so deep in this mire that I have lost all hope of finding my way out. The darkness is ever present and the mist so thick that there is no way to see my way out. I would not choose to sit and give up, to remain here forever, but someone must find me because I have lost the will to find myself. Someone, stronger than I, must rescue me, if I am even worthy of being rescued. Am I lost in this dark mire because this is where I belong? Do I feel as though a little of me is dying part by part as punishment for what I am and what I am not? Or by some miraculous chance could I be rescued, only to be shown that I was living a lie? Whatever the answer may be, may I die now if there is no way out, or may I be rescued and find myself in the life of the living once again.

Melissa Fitzwilliam (written in March)

Hidden Thoughts

Through the many struggles in my life very few things have remained constant. In the truest sense, it is the never failing comfort of a pen and a paper that never waivers. When every hope has fled and all seems lost, I come crying to my pen and my paper. I wonder what this means of my relationship with God? While mentally I know He will never leave me or forsake me, I still have emotional doubts. And while I understand His sovereign will is unfolding just as it should, I still question why me? I don’t understand the full picture, not that I have any right to ask. Many times it has seemed that God has let me down and fallen short on His promise to me; really I am the one who falls short. But my pen and paper have never failed me. So it is no wonder at a time such as this that I would again look here for comfort. In this space of paper and ink, truths reveal themselves to me; like hidden thoughts, treasures, waiting to be discovered. It is here all truths are said and all lies are put away; for in this space I will not be judged. I cannot be found as any lesser of a person for my admissions, other than the scorn I place upon myself. And the coals I have placed, yes I have heaped, upon my head I believe I have reaped justly. Whether ‘tis right or wrong, ‘tis true. While mirrors show my outer appearance, it’s the paper that details the real me. It is here all pretenses are put aside and the soul is laid bare, for those I choose to see. There, yet, remain times I, myself, don’t know the truth, until in utter desperation, I seek this place to discover what I might be searching for. Then, through no conscious thought, emotions spill forth, ones I have kept from even myself. It is moments such as these I have hidden from myself. Stealing my heart from the pain and confusion; hiding it down deep. I have read the Word cover to cover, seeking to know Him more. Yet I find myself on a blank page, quickly filled by a heart yearning to be free. There are times I have felt the sweetness of freedom, yet for some unknown reason, it is I who locks me back in a cage, my prison. I’m surrounded by bars of my making, walls of my building, and keyholes of my locking. I have spent too long in my own imprisonment; I feel as though this is where I belong. My mind, yes, my emotions, long to taste that freedom once again, but I don’t know how to turn the key, break the walls, crush the bars. In my self-made prison, I can see a meadow with a pleasant meandering road. I can sense freedom is waiting just on the other side, I can smell it like a gently blowing breeze. If I stand close enough to the window I can feel the sunlight on my face, yet surrounding me, shadows wait to enfold me. As I sit here I realize I am not alone in my cell. I asked the Lord to come inside long ago, but when I locked myself up, I imprisoned Him also. By imprisoning him, I have stopped Him from having full access to me. The cell I am enclosed within is so very small. Long ago I hid that key that would bring the walls tumbling down. And now I wonder what it will take to shatter this self-built cell for I long to go to that meadow, waiting on the other side. I want to glide down the path with flowers strewn along the side. I want to embrace the sunlight and leave all the shadows behind. I want to be free and allow the Lord to guide this life of mine. I sit here and ponder these truths revealed to me; knowing they have come from something far greater than me. I sit here and I wonder about the day soon to come, when freedom will be mine at last, resting in the Son.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Refined in the Fire

I’m being refined in the fire washed in His blood
Grace is poured out in an unending flood
I was a stench in His nostrils tainted from sin
Wretched and ragged, corrupted within
I was without any hope, lost and alone
A wandering lamb without a home
Until I called on His name in the dark night
To put an end to my sin filled plight
With a prayer I was made into a creation anew
Made to look in the likeness of You
I was refined in the fire, washed in His blood
Mercies poured out in an unending flood
This lost lamb You came to find
To show me love of a different kind
Nothing great was asked of me
Only to accept, trust, and believe
All I had was my heart to offer
I was a broken vessel with empty coffers
But You took me as I was
That’s the beauty of what Your love does
I’m refined in Your fire, washed in Your blood
Peace pours out in an unending flood
How do I fathom the greatness of You
And the way that You love me the way that You do
What can I offer You, what can I give
Besides a life for You always lived
How can I thank You for all that You’ve done
Giving up Your one and only Son
How do I love You the way You love me
Only to accept, trust, and always believe
I’m refined in the Fire, washed in the Blood
Your boundless love pours out like a flood

Melissa Fitzwilliam

So Rough

She’s had it so rough! She’s been sick since February and shows no signs of getting better. He talked about just making her comfortable the other day and it made me sick to my stomach. Many times when you make someone “comfortable” it’s because they are nearing the end and I’m praying with all I have that it’s not her end. We can’t find a reason why the doctors can’t fix her. We ask for them to seek a second opinion but not knowing that it would do any good. She is so discouraged and she is so tired of being sick and we can offer her no hope, only our prayers. We pray for complete healing, but not knowing God’s plan, His will, we are not sure what is going to happen. We will go with her to the hospital tomorrow and pray for another successful procedure, but are they even successful since she is getting no better? I’m not sure, but what I do know is I’m scared of the unknown. She means so much to me. She’s been the loving mother, I haven’t had. Yes she’s had her moments, but who hasn’t. All I know is I love her and I would give anything for her to be well again. Danny is worrying himself sick and he sees her getting worse all the time. She no longer looks well. She looks like a former shell of herself. We just have to let her know of our great love for her and how much she means to us. She’s a wonderful woman, she’s my Ma.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Monday Morning's

Monday morning came too soon
Leaving me with thoughts of you
This morning the air seems so cold
My arms aching for something to hold
The day star came way too fast
Midnight reveries didn’t long last
I must make it through another day
How I long for you to take me away
Stars of the night do not leave
I want to be free of reality
Monday seems to come everyday
Weekends pass, never to stay
Dawn has come, I must arise
As another fleeting night dies
Starry darkness, come back to me
Enfold me in enchantments so sweet
Moon beams shine ever on
Your effervescent will soon be gone
Leaving me longing all the day
For night to come, ever to stay
Starlight mist swirls around
As loving moments with us are found
Enfolded in your consuming embrace
The orb of the night, my saving grace
Monday morning came too soon
Leaving me thoughts of you
Moon beams come rescue me
Son in his arms I can be free
But Monday mornings will continue to come
Leaving me longing under the sun.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A Promise

Today I was given a promise. It wasn’t one of more happy days and fewer rainy tomorrows. It was a promise of unconditional love and total acceptance. It was a promise of a lasting contentment and a greater peace. For as long as I rest in my faith and embrace my abundant blessings, hope will continue to find me where ever I may be.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

And I Dream

Through long monotonous days
Often dreams come my way
Filling my head with visions sublime
Taking me to sweeter climes
And I dream of fields with wild flowers
As a young girl playing for hours
Remembering all my childish wishes
Pretending I could feel angels’ kisses
In the morning thoughts can bring
A longing for flying wings
To take me back to a time
When worries didn’t fill my mind
And I dream of a cooler breeze
A budding woman soon I’ll be
Desiring to be something more
Wanting to be beautiful and adored
In the noontime images come
Reminiscing of things I’ve done
Precious moments frozen still
Beautiful memories all too real
And I dream of a bundle of pink
My eyes overflow as I think
Of the miracle given to me
In her my joy is made complete
In the dusk visions appear
Ones that my heart holds dear
For a moment I drift away
Longing to relive the day
And I dream of the fall fair
The greatest love I found there
In an instant our hearts were bound
No greater love can ever be found
The night is here with the sweetest reveries
Moments in time that are yet to be
I wander through my river of dreams
Dancing through glimmering moon beams
And I dream of pearly gates Being in a heavenly state
Running along the streets of gold
Knowing the One I want to hold
Passing by the crystal sea
Suddenly I’m on my knees
My face is down at His feet
I found the One who rescued me
I cast my crowns before Him
The glory of His face makes Heaven grow dim
He picks me up, my tears fall gree
Wiping them away He embraces me
This is the sweetest of my dreams
Knowing that it soon will be
Through long monotonous days
Often dreams come my way
And I dream of angels’ kisses
And flying wings, my heart’s true wishes

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Year's Past

As I read my writings from years past, I realize that this depression didn’t start just last year. The doctors have been right, saying that this depression has been around longer than I thought. Depression has been a way of life up to this point and I don’t feel as though I am over it yet. I am making slow progress, but my writings reflect a deep sadness and utter despair. How have I managed to live such a dark life and not realize it? Why didn’t someone see this long ago and seek to help me? Maybe no one noticed because it was just my way of life. All I know is I long to be free of these emotions and start to feel His love that is so real. I don’t doubt that I do not comprehend His great love for me, nor do I understand the depth of His grace and mercy. For so long now I have been focused on my sinful self and my sin nature, that I have a hard time understanding any beauty that may lie within. I am told on a daily basis how much I am loved, but I have a hard time believing it because I don’t know how to love me for me. I write from my old books to find something to publish, yet no one would want to read about my self-loathing or my pity state. As I read back I don’t want to read them myself. I wonder where my words of love have gone that I use to write of. What has become of me and what will be the end of me? I long to dream happy dreams and be carefree, but what does it take to get there? Where is this joy that is so often spoke of by my intimate friends, from my Christian family? Where is the peace that they share and why don’t I have it? Days are getting better, but I know I am not where I should be. I see others living life and know I don’t live it the way they do. I can’t be content being who I am right now, because I know somewhere underneath is a better, happier person. I will not rest until this new creation is revealed and I am at last that person everyone loves to be around. He is making me a new creation day by day and if I let Him, He will see me through this valley and lead me to the mountain top where I can be free at last.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A Day's Grace

I search so hard and I try to find
A peace that seems to evade me
The questions that race through my mind
And what the answers may be
I talked to You this morning
Seeking You in all that I do
Looking for Your gentle warnings
And Your grace to get me through
Trials continue with each new day
The quandary presses ever on
With no resolutions coming my way
It seems like all hope is gone
At noontime I come seeking You
And the promises that You’ve made
In my weakness I need strength anew
And in You all my fears are allayed
Daily challenges remain a mystery
The solutions is hazy and obscure
Life seems like an impenetrable reverie
What more must I endure
This night, on my knees, I come to pray
There is still much I don’t know
I need You to lead my way
And show me the path I must go
All Your promises I hold true
Your Word serves to remind
That Your mercy is given anew
For You are love defined
I won’t worry about the days of past
You are the God who was
And I won’t concern myself with today at last
For You are I Am who does
And tomorrow holds no fear
You are the Lord of come what my
You are faithful through all the years
As You guide me in all of my ways
Thank You, Lord, for loving me
In spite of all that I do
As Your servant I am free
To praise You my whole life through

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A Moment Defined

Life is defined by moments and you never know which moment you’re defining; until it’s there, then in a flash it’s gone. A moment defined, frozen it time, and in that moment encompasses a life worth living for.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A New Dawn

Light of day come to me
The dreams of night has set me free
Great Morning Star of the dawn
Twilight's embrace will soon be gone
Gently I was cradled in the night
Reveries filled with dawn’s soft light
Beckoning me with the sky’s soft hues
The Lord’s sweet grace is given anew
In this quiet hours a new peace is found
Tranquility of the soul will abound
For in the dawn’s light of a new day
The worries of days past have faded away

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Breath of Brilliance

There was a brilliance before me
Of its likeness my eyes had ner espied
Radiance took on a form of life
Beaconing me unto its side
A mortal man stood before me
His eyes were piercing blue
His hair like a golden sunbeam
He was my revere come true
Before my life had succumbed to darkness
Dawn’s light had not met my eyes
A somber murkiness seem to enfold me
Life’s truth was an obscurity of lies
Then there was the breath of dawn
With its presence, sun shattered the night
An indwelling peace encompassed me
Truth arose shining, banishing my long lived plight
Every breath I breathe refreshes me
His radiance has cleansed me within
His brilliance never evades me
Inflamed in his ardor, love wins
He enfolds me in all of his resplendence
Enchantment illuminating his eyes
Enclosed in his lavish devotion
Spindrift in an incandescence sublime
Now these are the days before me
Ensnared in His consuming embrace
Living our life in the breath of brilliance
Loving each other in splendor always

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Searching For...

I’m running away, I’m running to;
I’m running in every direction but not to You
In life’s path that’s always ever winding
I’m searching desperately, but never really finding
How did I get so far; what am I searching for?
When did I begin to think anything but You could ever give me more?
I don’t know how many tears I’ve cried; crying out to You
I’m dying to find myself changed and made into something new
How long will I search for something else to give me all I need; to fulfill my heart’s desires?
When all You want to do is to take me to places better than my dreams, for Your wings are so much higher
How long will I search for You when You found me long ago?
How long will I cry out for Your love when all this time You’ve been rocking me, telling me You love me so?
My yesterdays are filled with pain and tears and my tomorrows are filled with unknown fears
But today Your arms are wide open longing to gather me near
I want to be made into the image of purity yet because of my past it was taken from me
But I cannot understand that through Your blood that’s not how You see me
How long will I fight You when doing it hurts me so?
When will I come to understand Your plan is not my foe?
When will I give up this painful striving and come to You humbly on bended knee?
So You can hold me close and tell me that never had You left me
My search will finally be over when I find what I was searching for
For in You are all my heart’s desires and how could I need to search for more?

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Oh So Perfect

Cross your legs, sit up straight
Always be punctual and never late
Shoulders squared back as you walk tall
Glide with grace and never fall
Gold your hands neatly in your lap
Eat small portions so you don’t get fat
Keep your head high while appearing demure
Speak with a voice that sounds self assured
Be oh so perfect in all that you do
Then worth may be found in you
Perfection isn’t a goal, but a necessity
Then you will be loved and accepted finally
Be oh so perfect and never less
I will only accept you at perfection’s best
Perfection isn’t a goal, but a necessity
And without it you can never be pleasing to me
When you dress accentuate your body’s best
Never leave the house with your hair in a mess
Always wear make-up to cover all your flaws
Your beauty must match that of a porcelain doll
Wear a façade to be what people desire
Always look refreshed and never tired
You must work hard to be what you’re not
But then you will be what the world wants
Be oh so perfect in all that you do
Then worth may be found in you
Perfection isn’t a goal, but a necessity
Then you will be loved and accepted finally
Be oh so perfect and never less
I will only accept you at perfection’s best
Perfection isn’t a goal, but a necessity
And without it you can never be pleasing to me
I have these dreams you must live up to
All that I ask is required of you
For I can’t love you for who you are
In the quest for perfection you lag so far
What I demand of you is for the best
And from it you may never seek any rest
But I promise to love you when you finally succeed
And have become what I have dreamed you would be
Be oh so perfect in all that you do
Then worth may be found in you
Perfection isn’t a goal, but a necessity
Then you will be loved and accepted finally
Be oh so perfect and never less
I will only accept you at perfection’s best
Perfection isn’t a goal, but a necessity
And without it you can never be pleasing to me

Melissa Fitzwilliam

This was wrote for all I had to be for my mother, and sadly enough is true. I'll never be perfect so I'll never be accepted.

Blurbs

*Have You blinded me Your will (surely not, may it never be) or the road You would have us travel so I am required to hold Your hand with each step we go? Are You perfecting in me the blind faith You so long for me to have in You?

*It’s always “Can/Will You do” on our lips, not “May I serve You” . Why do we always seek how He can continually bless us as He serves us, rather than us ask how we can continually Him? How much more we would be blessed if we really lived our lives to serve Him and not be served for our own selfish gain!

*Following You blindly, I am willing to come. Clasp my hand tightly, please don’t let go, like all the others before have done. Put Your arms around me, hold me close, for I can’t see where we go. Don’t let me stumble, please save me from the falls. I pray and ask You to put me in the haven of Your wings, so I can be sheltered from what was, what is, and what is to come. This is my cry, this, my plea; may I remain close, always by Thee. May my prayer be sweet incense as it rises up to You my Lord. Jesus defend me from what lies may be told and the ones I already think and hear. Give me clarity, discernment, and wisdom so I can walk with You continually following Your will.

*Lord, bend me gently lest I break. Frailty is all I know, my porcelain heart, I’m sure was made to be broken. I would protect myself from anymore pain, yet I want to let You love me, the way You tell me I deserve. No one will ever love me the way You want to, if only I will let my guard down. You have promised that You are not like the rest, that have hurt me so many times before. But Your love can bring the pain of healing, yet I don’t know if I can open myself to that pain, for the anguish I’m in now is near unbearable. Yet the pain I’m in now is slowly killing me and You long to give me life filled with grace that is more than sufficient. Because You are enough for me, this I know so well, if only I can bear my heart for you to mend, crafting pain into beauty. Lord, bend me gently lest I break, I’m giving you my heart, forever to take…Because You are not like the rest, You are enough for me.

*Life is defined by moments and you never know which moment you’re defining; until it’s there, then in a flash, it’s gone. A moment defined, frozen in time, and in that moment encompasses a life worth living for.

*Refresh me with in Voice of many waters. Wash over my soul Living Water. Satisfy my thirst in You and cleanse me with Your everlasting flow of love.

*When will I learn to be pliable to the Lord, so He will not always have to use fire to mold me, teach me, refine me.

*Why must patience be learned through trial and heartache, when it’s at these very times you need it the most?

*You call on me to follow You, I must walk by faith even though the road I travel is weary with every step I take. Your strength will supply me with everything I need, though I walk an stumble, and at times crawl on my knees. Fill me with Your Spirit with each breath I take. Guide me with Your everlasting love until I leave this place.

*If I could save time in a bottle how many bottles would it take to save all the time of the loving moments that we make?


Melissa Fitzwilliam

A Promise

Today I was given a promise. It wasn’t one of more happy days and fewer rainy tomorrows. It was a promise of unconditional love and total acceptance. It was a promise of a lasting contentment and a greater peace. For as long as I rest in my faith and embrace my abundant blessings, hope will continue to find me where ever I may be.

Midnight Dream

Once upon a midnight's dream
An angel came beckoning me
He wrapped me in His wings of white
His appearance that of radiant light
His voice so strong, gentle, and true
He said, "I've come to rescue you."
He swept me up into His arms
A Prince to save me from all harms
In Him is the essence of splendid majesty
Robed in righteousness and loving mercy
His head adorned with a crown for royalty
Declaring Him Lord of Lords, King of all Kings
He said, "The time is nigh, we must fly away"
"Prepare yourself for it is our wedding day"
"Today you will become My beautiful bride"
"Holy and pure, through Me you will be glorified"
"I will take your veil of ashes and it will be no more"
"But with a crown of beauty, on you will be adorned"
"I have waited oh so long for this day to come"
"Now together we will be joined finally as one"
I looked up and gazed into His loving eyes
I smiled at my Bridegroom as He gazed into mine.
The vision I beheld began to grow dim
I tried to hold fast onto the image of Him
A voice whispered to me softly that it was time to wake
My midnight dream was over with only visions to take
Pleadingly I said to Him , "Don't make me leave"
"Don't send me back without You to an earthly reality"
His smile was so warm, eyes glistening bright
As He cupped my face He said, "You're forever in my sight"
"For now I must visit you in your midnight dreams"
"But soon I will come and take you home with Me"
"I love you my darling, I'll come back to you tonight"
"But know for now I'm in your heart, waiting for moonlight"
Once upon a midnight's dream
An angel came beckoning me
He wrapped me in His wings of white
And held me there all through the night.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Providence's Will for the Broken Heart

I was sure this wasn’t the answer. I asked so many times why, praying with all I had for You to change Your mind. I did everything I knew to make it better. Providence had another plan, one of a heart broken. Not just broken, but shattered, tiny shards, so small that you would never recognize it as a heart. With all the tears that flow, they make pieces appear multiplied, because nothing looks the same through the blurred kaleidoscope of sadness that falls, manifesting a river down my cheeks. The words didn’t just cut, not just slicing, but served the fatal blow that can’t be mended. The screams resound in my head and no matter how hard I push them down, they refuse to leave. I plead that my dreams might give me some respite, but the memories follow me where ever I go. You’d think the pain would turn me away, never desiring to feel that love again, that which destroys the soul of the little girl once loved. But the little girl still has hopes, she still dreams, sometimes she still thinks maybe, just maybe she can do something to earn the love of the one who was supposed to love her in spite of everything. Then the woman, whom the little girl is embodied in, realizes that love was never meant to be earned, but given; given to the point that you would deny your heart the option of ever stopping the love from flowing. It is this love that keeps the little girl, longing for the love that she knows will never belong to her. Yet she knows that this is the only love she will ever give, the one that takes all the heart has to offer, sacrificing it all, with no reservations. And it will be this love that will keep the pain always near, never subsiding. For if she let it go then what would become of the love she must give. No she will, she must love, even if it must be from afar, because Providence says that she will be the one to change what history has always been. She will start a new story, not one tied to the pain of love held back to save her own heart. Providence will hold her broken heart and the only way to begin to piece it back together is for her to give all the love she was ever denied. Her heart will not look the same, it will change just as the picture does in the kaleidoscope, yet in the end the picture will show a family firmly bound in the love that broke her heart to begin with. It is her broken heart that will ensure that no other hearts break because of walls she would build. No her heart will stay bare, accessible to all and she will pray that one day Providence will crumble the walls around the hearts that chose to protect themselves from the love she would do anything to give. Providence, hold my heart close, count my tears, and know my cries, because it’s only through Your love my heart will ever be able to be whole without the love I still long for. For it is Your will that my brokenness will be made whole and this brokenness will make me more like You, into the very image of You. For Providence willed that Your heart, too, would be broken, then made whole with love given unrestrained.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A New Perspective

Often times when you listen carefully God will give you a new perspective. That’s what happened today during morning services. There are those sermons that you walk away with a smile, reminded of God’s great love, mercy, and grace, and then there are those where the Spirit really touches you and it’s more of an ouch. Today was definitely an ouch day! Don spoke of graciousness with other believers that have sinned against you and how you should approach the situation. God forgives us everything, yet when it comes to people, we hold grudges, grow bitter, and let that hurt dwell within us. Peace seems to be a distant emotion when you are filled with bitterness. How long have I lived in the shadows of others bitterness thinking it was my fault when I’ve done everything to reconcile the situation? How often have I been the one to hold that sin against the person until I think they have suffered the way I have? Too often in both cases. I have lived under the oppression of my mother’s bitterness for years and have all but given up hope that the relationship will ever be restored. If I’m honest, I don’t really want the relationship restored until she can learn to love and respect Danny and our marriage and forgive me all my wrongs of the past. I, myself, have held on to wrongs done with me to the extent of it causing current severe depression and PTSD. Why can’t I let it go and allow God to do His work in the situation? What also really went straight to my heart today is sharing my burdens with others and not going to the person who has sinned against me. I long to be validated in my feelings and approach, but in the validation I seek I sin. What does their understanding gain me? Not a restored relationship, but just an opportunity to further dwell on the situation thinking how right I am to feel the way I feel. I needed a new perspective! God has forgiven me much, but I withhold my own forgiveness. I am wrong! I can try and find excuses for my behavior, but simply put, I am not obeying the Word of God. Today His Word was sharper than any double-edged sword, going straight to the heart of many matters. I would love even now to say what these matters are, so in some twisted way, I would be proven right, but I have yet to go to this person that has sinned against and let them know that what they did hurt me deeply. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the nerve to tell them and seek restoration, but the question is, can I learn to forgive them without them asking and be ok with them and not avoid them? Can I look past their character flaws and learn to love them and the brother or sister in Christ they really are. The more I think about it, the more I realize there are many I have aught against. I wonder if it causes the anxiety I often feel at church and the urge to just run away. I did notice that the absence of certain people/s today cured my anxiety. I am allowing this situation to get in the way of my worship on Sundays. So what will I do with this new perspective? Forgive and forget as God does? Or will I seek forgiveness time and again for not being forgiving myself? I know I walked away with a changed heart today. I would pray that every time I get into the Word of God I walk away with a changed heart or to be enlightened in a new way, but it doesn’t always happen that way, as I let external things and events get in my way. No matter what someone has done against me, I am the problem as long as I continue to hold it against them. My prayer would be that God continue to do a work in my life and change my heart to be loving and gracious to all and in that find the peace I so long to have.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

So Blessed

Life is getting better. There are good days and bad days, but it seems as though the good days are prevailing. I’ve been getting out and about which is more than what I could say in the past. Doing things around the house are still slow in coming but there is small progress being made. When I think about my life I know I am so blessed to have a Savior that would go to any extent to save me from myself. His love continually amazes me as He covers me in His grace. He holds me close even when I try and draw away. It’s hard to believe He would want to pursue me and want to love someone like me. How could you ask for a better best friend than Jesus Christ. He has kept me save and upheld me through the toughest of times. Even when I thought He was so far away He was and is always right there beside me. I cling to His promises with all I have and there have been many times when they were all I had to keep me going. Now He is showing me all I have to live for and that He has a purpose just for me. His love is everlasting and He is everything that is true and trustworthy. He is my all in all. He is my Redeemer from sin, my Savior from death, and my Beloved forever and my Bridegroom. If I live every day of my life, there is never enough love that I can offer up to Him. I can only bring the offering of my devoted heart and my unconditional love. He is my Father that I long for, the Spirit that guides my day. He dwells within me and shelters me under His wings. I soar high in His Word for He is the Word eternal. Words can’t express my love for Him I can only live a life that would speak of my love eternal for Him. He has blessed beyond measure, yes anointing me with His oil of gladness, healing my brokenness, and pouring out His mercies and grace that is life saving. And one day when He calls me from above I will sing His praises and spend eternity at His feet living forever in His boundless love.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Shine on Me...

I sit here in the gloominess of the morning, desiring to offer the world something other than what I am. My apathetic style towards life leaves something greater to be desired. I long to offer a sweet something from my mind, but there is nothing to be found. The rain has washed all the creativeness away. So I sit here longing to have a conversation with someone I can be honest with, having no fear of what judgment that might come. I want my curiosity of life back, just longing to be intrigued by its intricate weaving, how it flows and moves. Instead, I sit in the morning rain, wishing for much, but longing to do nothing. It’s not the rain, nor the storms, that has washed away the creativeness or the will to do anything other than the selfishness absorbed notions of my heart; but I have been robbed of it all from a past that is unwelcomed and unwanted. Will I dwell on what I have no control over, or will I choose to get up and do what can be done today? Will I let another day pass me by wanting for what can never be, or will I make the most out of what God has offered me today? No doubt, He sits here with me, while I drink my morning coffee, waiting for me to take a hold of opportunities that He has waiting on me. I cannot long to offer the world something I am not; including the sweet something’s that may or may not be. I can only offer them what broken parts of me I am able to give. It was not the rain that washed anything away, but the tears of an unrequited past, blind sighting me. He will bring me all the conversation that I long for, with no fear of judgment, because He promises that was finished upon the cross. He will offer all of me back, when I will choose to take my eyes off me and turn them back on Him. It is when I behold Him that I can look past the rains of the morning and see the Son shining on me and all that I do. As the rains pour own this morning, it makes all things new, as He too, will make me new. The clouds must come and the rain must pour in order that the grounds be refreshed and revived. It’s through that Living Water that I must feed off and drink in whole. As I do I will feel His grace wash over me cleansing all that I would claim is unclean, making whole that which is broken, healing that which is hurt. If I continue to dwell on the things He’s shown me that He has vindicated then I am robbing myself of His beautiful present to me, called the present. Today will bring the rains and I am not certain if tomorrow will bring the Son, but the Spirit calls out to me to join Him now, and leave the tears behind because no matter what the Son is shining on me now.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

I Try to See

I try to see what there really is to see.
I try desperately to see the real me.
For so long I have listened to your lies
And believed all that was said in your eyes
I saw how I was never enough for you
But what I never saw was what was really true
I saw how I was the reason for your pain
The bitterness on your heart is the stain
But what I never saw is what is real
There is great worth in me still
You tried to bring an end to what would be me
But instead I discovered you weren’t my need
You hate all that I have become
All you tried to make come undone
I stopped listening to all your lies
And found what me of me defines
I finally found the truth you tried to hide
And how many lies you were willing to lie
I came to realize I am not your pain
I’m not responsible for your heart’s stain
Now that I can see all that’s real
You won’t define the way I feel
You can never bring the end of the real me
I have conquered what may lie beneath
And I will continue to be what I’ve become
Never can your lies make me come undone

Melissa Fitzwilliam (For the family I left behind... I can't be undone!)

The Refining Hand of the Potter

I am an unfinished vessel, perfect only in my imperfections. Flaws abound, with cracks and chips at every turn. For all purposes I was broken to the point that I was not worth restoring. A vessel covered in dirt, of no value in shape, size, or service. I was sure that I was broken past the point of being broke again, yet that is when another piece would shatter. I would see other vessels with beauty, being delicate yet strong, refined, and with adornments of such pureness that indeed they were priceless in their splendor. I would compare myself to them and see that I could never be as they were. Who would want to use a useless vessel, with scars of abuse, neglect, of hurts that were etched so very deep that the vessel would have to be totally destroyed and be remade to be of any worth? Who would want to take the time, the effort on such a tedious, never ending task? Surly no one would want this worthless piece of clay! Yet there I lay, and You picked me up with such infinite care and love, gently wiping away the surface grime. How could You see any beauty, any worth in what You held? You gathered all the pieces that had been broken and softly stroked the scars that marred me and whispered lovingly that with time You would make me new, into one of those vessels that I had seen as so beautiful, and told me I, too would be priceless in my worth. You washed me, taking away all the dirt that had hidden what lie beneath. You added fresh clay and took away some of the broken pieces, telling me I would be better if I were made new without them. Your hands wrapped around me as I turned on Your wheel, shaping and molding me into something that I wouldn’t recognize when You were finished. You smiled as you told me that some of the scars would stay, but they would only add to my beauty, as etchings that made me unique. Round and round I turned beneath Your guiding hands, knowing with each revolution that more of Your prints would be in me. At times You would bend me and it would hurt so bad, but I knew it must be done. I wanted You to add back some what had been taken from me, but You said that it was only what You put in me that would make me whole. Any brokenness added back in would take away from my wholeness and You long to see me whole wholly in You. When You added something new, I wondered if I could continue, but You assured me it was for my beauty and Your glory. The true test would come as You looked at me seeing a vessel that was almost complete, yet I must be put in the fire to be hardened, to be perfected. Without this last step the refinement would never be complete. You promised You would never leave me in the heat and when everything was ablaze around me. I could only look at You knowing You did this because of Your love for me. I cried when it hurt and You cried when I took Your shape. I smiled when I saw Your smile in my reflection. Here I am, only left wondering why You would choose to love me so much? You have made me beautiful, delicate, and strong in You. You turned my scars into the loveliest etchings with adornments that take Your breathe away. You made me perfect in my imperfections. You made me whole, new, clean, and pure. You made me everything I could never be without You. You restored me, refined me and made me all that I am today. I know that as long as I am in Your hands Potter, this clay will display Your splendor and I will be priceless to You. Potter, You have left Your eternal mark on me. As Your nail scarred hands held me and as I was turned, being molded underneath Your guiding hands, Your blood covered me. I am a piece of clay handcrafted by the Potter, refined in the fire of salvation, and saved only because of Your merciful grace. Any beauty found in me is the product of a glorious refinement of Your painstaking work that You’ve taken from someone as hopeless, someone as broken as me. I am Your reflection, Your work, Your student and You are my Master, my Artist, the Potter.

Melissa Fitzwilliam