Year's Past

As I read my writings from years past, I realize that this depression didn’t start just last year. The doctors have been right, saying that this depression has been around longer than I thought. Depression has been a way of life up to this point and I don’t feel as though I am over it yet. I am making slow progress, but my writings reflect a deep sadness and utter despair. How have I managed to live such a dark life and not realize it? Why didn’t someone see this long ago and seek to help me? Maybe no one noticed because it was just my way of life. All I know is I long to be free of these emotions and start to feel His love that is so real. I don’t doubt that I do not comprehend His great love for me, nor do I understand the depth of His grace and mercy. For so long now I have been focused on my sinful self and my sin nature, that I have a hard time understanding any beauty that may lie within. I am told on a daily basis how much I am loved, but I have a hard time believing it because I don’t know how to love me for me. I write from my old books to find something to publish, yet no one would want to read about my self-loathing or my pity state. As I read back I don’t want to read them myself. I wonder where my words of love have gone that I use to write of. What has become of me and what will be the end of me? I long to dream happy dreams and be carefree, but what does it take to get there? Where is this joy that is so often spoke of by my intimate friends, from my Christian family? Where is the peace that they share and why don’t I have it? Days are getting better, but I know I am not where I should be. I see others living life and know I don’t live it the way they do. I can’t be content being who I am right now, because I know somewhere underneath is a better, happier person. I will not rest until this new creation is revealed and I am at last that person everyone loves to be around. He is making me a new creation day by day and if I let Him, He will see me through this valley and lead me to the mountain top where I can be free at last.

Melissa Fitzwilliam