A New Perspective

Often times when you listen carefully God will give you a new perspective. That’s what happened today during morning services. There are those sermons that you walk away with a smile, reminded of God’s great love, mercy, and grace, and then there are those where the Spirit really touches you and it’s more of an ouch. Today was definitely an ouch day! Don spoke of graciousness with other believers that have sinned against you and how you should approach the situation. God forgives us everything, yet when it comes to people, we hold grudges, grow bitter, and let that hurt dwell within us. Peace seems to be a distant emotion when you are filled with bitterness. How long have I lived in the shadows of others bitterness thinking it was my fault when I’ve done everything to reconcile the situation? How often have I been the one to hold that sin against the person until I think they have suffered the way I have? Too often in both cases. I have lived under the oppression of my mother’s bitterness for years and have all but given up hope that the relationship will ever be restored. If I’m honest, I don’t really want the relationship restored until she can learn to love and respect Danny and our marriage and forgive me all my wrongs of the past. I, myself, have held on to wrongs done with me to the extent of it causing current severe depression and PTSD. Why can’t I let it go and allow God to do His work in the situation? What also really went straight to my heart today is sharing my burdens with others and not going to the person who has sinned against me. I long to be validated in my feelings and approach, but in the validation I seek I sin. What does their understanding gain me? Not a restored relationship, but just an opportunity to further dwell on the situation thinking how right I am to feel the way I feel. I needed a new perspective! God has forgiven me much, but I withhold my own forgiveness. I am wrong! I can try and find excuses for my behavior, but simply put, I am not obeying the Word of God. Today His Word was sharper than any double-edged sword, going straight to the heart of many matters. I would love even now to say what these matters are, so in some twisted way, I would be proven right, but I have yet to go to this person that has sinned against and let them know that what they did hurt me deeply. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the nerve to tell them and seek restoration, but the question is, can I learn to forgive them without them asking and be ok with them and not avoid them? Can I look past their character flaws and learn to love them and the brother or sister in Christ they really are. The more I think about it, the more I realize there are many I have aught against. I wonder if it causes the anxiety I often feel at church and the urge to just run away. I did notice that the absence of certain people/s today cured my anxiety. I am allowing this situation to get in the way of my worship on Sundays. So what will I do with this new perspective? Forgive and forget as God does? Or will I seek forgiveness time and again for not being forgiving myself? I know I walked away with a changed heart today. I would pray that every time I get into the Word of God I walk away with a changed heart or to be enlightened in a new way, but it doesn’t always happen that way, as I let external things and events get in my way. No matter what someone has done against me, I am the problem as long as I continue to hold it against them. My prayer would be that God continue to do a work in my life and change my heart to be loving and gracious to all and in that find the peace I so long to have.

Melissa Fitzwilliam