Resolutions...

Resolute: firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion.

Resolution: a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something; the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.; the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

As I sit here this New Year morning of 2008, drinking my tea and listening to Christian music, I was considering what new New Year resolution I would make. It occurred to me that while I know what the definition is to these words above, rarely do I practice them when it comes to my resolutions. I find this amusing, yet irritating at the same time. Why bother to sit down and strategize how to put this resolution into practice, why they rarely last the first two months. Maybe in the process of thinking how I am going to make it work I lose my determination.

Now I would love to get into shape this year and start working out every morning. My doctors have wanted me to do this for a long time, but I am not a morning person and that is the best time to work out. So I am trying to decide can I be resolute about getting up early and walking or working out? I am still thinking on that one. I would also love to change the time I do my quite time and be more consistent with it and more in depth. However this again requires an early wake-up time. Now to all of this I need to be the one to wake up early to feed the horses in the morning so they can be fed twice a day also. So if my normal wake-up time is 7:00 am in need 30 minutes to workout, at least 30 minutes for quite time, 30 minutes for feeding, before I can start getting ready. I believe I am at 5:30 for a wake-up time. I also have to think about the fact I would want to have hot tea or coffee with quite time so I would need extra time to fix that and if I am working out 30 minutes I need to get dressed, stretch, and I would have to make time to rinse off after working out and feeding the horses. Let's see, that would add on at least an additional 30 minutes and I am now at 5:00 or before, in the morning. I am already tired just thinking about getting up that early and I haven't even done it yet!

Additional resolutions would be to remain calm in the face of troubles, to not stress over my family, to gain some type of peace over their loss, and not have regrets. I need to do an overhaul on the house and clean on it everyday, like I did there for a while. I have to start doing laundry, rather than putting it off. My family deserves this! As I look over all the things that need to be changed about myself, I need at least 10 years and I am making these my resolutions to accomplish this year. If I am really resolute about doing this, then I've already broke one resolution, because I sure don't feel calm, I feel rushed!

So in light of all this, I think I will continue to sip on my hot tea and contemplate these resolutions. They have all waited this long surely they can wait another day right? Well I guess there goes the resolution to be punctual and timely. Oh well, the tea is good.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Shannon and I's Bonding Moment...

What a day!!! It was action packed at every turn! It was filled with snow and fun, cold and fun, oh and did I mention fun? We started our day out pretty early today because Danny had to go qualify at the gun range today. I got up and got myself ready to head that way. On the way in I got a call from my mother called me (yes she called me, shocker!) to tell me a dear friend of the family had passed away last night. Danny and I saw it could potentially be one of my dads but who knows! (Who’s your daddy and I answer I don’t know! Lol) Anyway after that shocking news we finally arrived at the gun range and it was so cold outside (but not snowing yet). I got me a cup of regular coffee (I know, where’s the chocolate!) and went outside to watch him shoot. I didn’t take him very long and he did great as usual.

When we left there we headed for the feed store (still not snowing). We had a ton of feed to get today for all the animals because we were virtually out of everything! On our way back we stopped in a Sonic to get a breakfast sandwich then we headed to Ma’s with their drinks. When we got to Ma’s house she asked if I could braid Jen’s hair to which I said of course! It took me a whopping five minutes and it was done. We left there and headed down to the barn to feed the animals.

I had texted Shay along the way to see if she wanted to go shopping when she got out to the house and she was all over that! I thought it would be great fun for the both of us to go shopping together with our Christmas money. First, we went out to Shawnee to go to the Dillard’s and Ross out there. She had more luck than I did, although there was one particular item I was looking for that I was able to find. She cleaned up getting a new coat, jeans, and certain other things (wink wink Shannon!). But since I had bombed out so bad we decided to drive into the city to the Ross there, then to Dusty’s and then Payless Shoes. Also a friend had said she might meet us for dinner so I wanted to make myself available for her if she decided she wanted to go.

We get to Ross and I start shopping right away and I’m trying to find this dress I bought to show Shannon what I’m wearing for New Year’s Eve. I find it and show it to her and find her a cute dress in the process. Then I started looking for jeans (by the way it’s snowing now!!!) and I pick out several different sizes and styles to see which ones I like the best. When we get in the dressing room I decided to put on the biggest pair I had, thinking they would be too big. But oh no!!!! So I suck it in and I’m determined to make these work because I’m not about to go into a bigger size. I huff and I puff and finally get the darned things buttoned and they are just way too tight! So Shannon is in the next dressing room trying on her dress (that didn’t work) and I start laughing because I can’t get the pants unbuttoned. I try and I try and the things aren’t coming off. I think I should lie down then I could get them off, but we all know how dirty those floors are!!! All the while I’m telling Shay what’s going on and we are dying laughing. So I say to heck with it and start to slide my feet under Shannon’s fitting room so I can lay down and get the pants unbuttoned. She said, “What are you doing!!!!” To which I tell her, “I’m trying to get these stupid jeans off!” So we’re laughing even harder now to where I have tears coming down my cheeks. She says she’ll come over and help me. But you see she thinks they are stuck on my feet and doesn’t realize that they are still buttoned and I can’t get them undone. So she comes over and says to me, “Sit down,” and starts trying to pull them at my feet. I’m still laughing so hard I can barely stand it. I tell her the feet aren’t the problem, I just can’t get them unbuttoned. So she kneels down on the floor and I pull my shirt up so she can see the button and she starts laughing even harder! So she tells me to suck in and tries to get them unbuttoned and she can’t do it either!!! I’m thinking, “I can’t walk out in these but how do I get them off?!?!” So we try and try and I keep telling myself, “Think small thoughts (think skinny thoughts), think small thoughts” and while I’m saying this out loud she finally gets them undone! It was our bonding moment lol. And I can finally breathe again! So that ruined trying on any more clothes for me!

We went to Dusty’s and I found some cute earrings to go with my New Year’s Eve dress and a cute bracelet. Then we ran over to Payless and couldn’t find a thing. So we decided to go eat at Charleston’s and boy was it delicious! I figured after that fiasco I had earned me a glass of wine so I had one (and it’s still snowing!). So we split a salad (come on, you didn’t think I would order something fattening after the jeans now did you!) and we both were so stuffed because it was so big. Then we headed to Wal-Mart to get Danny a watch and a few other things. We ran and dropped the watch over at his office then headed home.

So I’m back home now and it’s still snowing outside. Nothing like it was on Christmas Eve! Now it’s coming down soft and it looks so beautiful! Shay and I had a great time! We laughed, we cried (laughing), it was a moving day! Lol. So I’m beat now and I’m heading to bed. Hope everyone could laugh at me as much as we laughed at me!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A Day at the Doctor's...

Today seemed to last so long and it’s not even over yet. Of course that could be because we spent the majority of the day in the doctor’s office. Danny had to go in and get another shot in the base of his skull for his cluster headaches. They are saying if this doesn’t work in the next month that they are going in and doing a nerve block at C2-C3 and see if that will help. If it does then they will go in and burn off the nerve endings at the base of his skull. In any case they are looking to heal these headaches once and for all.

While we were in the office I was able to play with my iPhone so the wait wasn’t so bad. I played several games and kept my Facebook and MySpace up to date on the latest goings on. After the doctor’s office we ran by CVS to pick up Danny’s prescriptions and while we were there I returned Snuggies that we had bought for the dogs. Yes we are the crazy people who do stuff like that. But when we got them on the puppies they were scared to death of them so we decided to take them back.

We came home and I had to drive on the bad roads. In the city it wasn’t too bad, but once we got to our addition it was pretty rough. I could feel the car slipping and it scared me so bad. We didn’t get home until 4:30 so I knew I had to feed right away before it got dark. It was so cold out there especially when you have to give them water and it’s freezing! While I was down at the barn I noticed that we have to go get feed tomorrow. There won’t be any waiting on it either because we don’t have enough to get us through until tomorrow. We had barely enough to feed today and they are getting to the point where we’re going to have to get more hay. When I finished that I had to feed and water the bunnies. They were low on hay too so I had to go get in the shed and fill up their hay bucket. We were out of carrots so they didn’t get their extra treat.

Now we just finished dinner and we are watching the Bears play. Danny is relaxing and I’m blogging, what’s new. We did find out today that while Shannon was ice skating yesterday she fell on her phone and broke it. We didn’t have any insurance on it and the company won’t replace it. I’m not sure what we’re going to do about it yet, but I know we can’t afford to buy her another new phone. I did finish up all my laundry and got it put away. So I guess I could do dishes now, but I’m not in the mood to and it will still be there for me tomorrow. We still haven’t decided what we’re doing for the New Year, but I want to do something where I can get dressed up. I have this new dress I’m wanting to wear so bad! But whatever Danny decides I’m sure will be fine. Now I’m off to go get me some water and maybe do some Bible study before Steve and Tanya come over to play Farkle. It should be another fun night!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Relatively Slow Day...

Today has been a relatively slow day. I couldn’t make it to church because our roads are still so incredibly bad! I really wanted to go this morning, but Danny couldn’t take me because he worked last night and he was so exhausted when he got in. He just didn’t feel comfortable with me driving the car since I have so little experience driving on icy roads. So instead I slept in really late, but I was finally able to get some rest once he came in. When he works I don’t get any sleep because he’s not next to me. I don’t like staying at the house all by myself, it just gets so lonely!

When I finally got up, of course, I went straight to the computer. I swear I’m addicted to this thing! I checked my facebook, myspace, and of course my iPhone! I had several messages waiting on me, but nothing pressing. I checked online to see if they had posted today’s sermon only to find out that our sound guy hadn’t been there today. I was bummed! Then I found out that they had services in the fellowship hall so I wouldn’t have been able to listen to it anyways because there is no way you can record the sermon back there. I bet it was nice and cozy back there while everyone drank their coffee! I always hate missing Sundays because I feel like I miss so very much. I especially miss the fellowship with my family!

I decided that the laundry had piled up high enough that I needed to get some done. I absolutely abhor laundry! It’s my most hated chore out of everything I do. But it needed to be done and there was so much in there from when Ciara cleaned her room! So for the majority of the day that’s what I’ve been doing. Washing, drying, folding; it just gets so monotonous! And I had to match socks, which is the worst of all! But I sucked it up and did it anyway. Yea for me! Only now my dining room table is completely loaded with clothes. I need to get up and put them away, but I figure I’ll do it once all the laundry is done. I have two more loads then I’ll be done!

Of course I had to go feed the horses today and it was so cold! As I headed down to the barn I almost busted my backside several times. I let the weenies go down with me and Carmel tried to pummel them. I was screaming at him and running on ice; it wasn’t a good thing. When I got down there the water troughs were filled with ice and they were so heavy. I tried breaking up the ice the best I could because there was no way I was going to be able to lift it out of there. The horses are doing well in the cold and don’t look any worse for wear. I was really worried about the yearlings, especially with them being out in the blizzard (yes it was a blizzard!)and not being able to get inside the barn, but they are doing well.

I decided not to feed the rabbits today because I just fed them yesterday and figured they would be ok until tomorrow. Although I did have to take the trash to the curb and again I almost fell, but it’s one more chore that Danny doesn’t have to do. And that’s about it for my day. Relatively nothing! Just another day where everything is normal thank goodness!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Wonderful Christmas!

Well for someone who hates the holidays, I sure loved these! What a wonderful time we had! We had our first white Christmas in over 20 years and while it was a pain (the whole state seemed to shut down) it was beautiful! We haven’t been snowed in for some time now, but I’m telling you just getting out and going a mile up the road was difficult. I’m trying to decide where I should start there is so much to tell.

I guess I should start with Ciara’s birthday. It was a really nice day even though I only got to spend half of it with her because the other half she was with her dad. We got her an iPod dock radio and a CD player for her birthday and she seemed to love both gifts. I made her favorite chocolate cake and we took it to church for a small party after Wednesday night services were done. She had a little friend come and stay the night for a few nights and they had a blast. We still have to have a party for her when it warms up some, but for the most party her birthday is over and done with. She’s 12 now and it makes me feel so incredibly old (and I know I’m not).

Christmas Eve was fun for the most part. It was on the 24th that we got all the ice and snow. For the majority of the day we were snowed in and I still can’t believe we actually got out and went to Ma’s for a small get together. Christmas Eve was the only time the whole family could get together so everyone came down and we played Farkle and ate snack foods all night. It was horribly cold outside and earlier in the day, when it was sleeting something awful, I had to go out and feed the horses and the rabbits. This is when farm life seems hard! But other than that the day went very well! It was the nicest Christmas Eve I’ve had in years! I actually got to spend Christmas Eve with Ciara (the snow was too bad for her dad to come get her) and this is the first time that’s it’s happened in 10 years! It made it very special and the only way it could’ve been any better is if all the girls had been with us.

Christmas day we woke up to a blanket of white snow all over the ground! It was picture worthy although I forgot to take any. I should still go out and do that. Ciara got a PSP from Santa along with her stocking stuffers and a game to play in her PSP (PSP stands for PlayStation Portable). She also got a mattress heater (very nice wish I had one!), Bath and Body Works stuff, a robe, and an iTunes gift card (I’m sure there are things I forgot but you get the picture). After she opened up her presents we started getting ready to drop her off with her dad and to go pick up the girls in MidWest City. The roads were awful!! It took us over 40 minutes to drop her off at the gas station and normally it only takes 15 minutes to get there. Then we were off to get the girls. We started counting the cars that had spun out and lost control and got stuck and round trip of 30 miles, we counted over 50 cars! We picked up the girls and headed back home to open presents. Overall it took us over 3 hours to make the round trip! It was insane! So we got back home and opened presents. Brenna got tons of clothes and a martini maker. Megan got a Chi, cookbook, clothes, the Sarah Palin book, bowls, and other stuff I’m forgetting. Shay got a new iPod, Carhartt jacket, a kit for her truck, iTunes card, and then they all got money to go shopping. Danny and I both got new pj’s , new wallets, and the girls are taking us to get family pictures in January (the best gift ever!). Then Danny got a grooming set and they got us a picture frame for our pictures. I got the cutest purse and Danny got me my iPhone!!! Talk about a wonderful Christmas!

After that we started getting ready to go back down to Ma’s. We needed to get Steve unstuck out of their driveway and in the process Danny got stuck. But Steve cooked a wonderful brisket and Tanya made Chex Mix and a 7 layer dip. We got Jennifer blocks and a Bible. We got Ma two pictures of the family. We played Skipbo and Farkle until midnight when we finally decided to go home. I think everyone had a wonderful Christmas and I know it’s not one I will soon forget.

Overall I think it was a wonderful set of holidays. Seeing Ma up and around and eating is just such a blessing. I’m also reminded of what a wonderful family I have been so blessed with. Of course we can’t forget the real reason we celebrate Christmas and that is the birth of our wonderful Savior and Lord. God as a babe, coming to save us from our sins and make the ultimate sacrifice because of His all surpassing love for us! What a great and mighty God we serve!! We are so blessed to be able to celebrate His birth. I have a poem I wrote a few years back that I will post later on. But it’s just my idea of what the very first Christmas must have been like. I can’t imagine the joy Mary had holding God in her arms. Yes, I do imagine she had a lot to ponder in her heart. As for my heart, it is filled with love for my family and friends. I blessed by you all! I hope all of your Christmas wishes came true and it was just as much of a blessing to you as it was for us!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

I'm Missing You This Christmas...

I’m Missing You This Christmas
It’s so very different this year
As I look down and see you all
I am closer than I appear
We are having a joyous time right now
All of it your mind couldn’t comprehend
Being together right here next to dad
All of our love to you we send
I’m missing you this Christmas
And I know you feel the same way too
We cling to all the memories we have
That right now just seem too few
Please take comfort in my smile
Though it’s only in a picture you’ll see
For I am smiling watching you right now
I can feel your great love for me
I’m missing you this Christmas
More than you could ever know
I’m watching and waiting anxiously for you
Merry Christmas, I love you so

Melissa Fitzwilliam
(written December 2005)

In loving memory of my Uncle Jimmy who passed away too soon in 2005. This is his message to all of us who are missing loved ones this Christmas season.

My Holiday Wish for You (for mom and grandma)

The holidays are here again, yet even with history as it is, this year will prove to be the same and different. While all the other holidays I knew I wasn't want there, for I'm just a reminder of all the hurt your heart holds on to. But this year I won't be there, no visual reminders will be before you, just an empty space to serve as proof that I won't be there. As much as all the past years have hurt me in their own way, this year promises new hurts that I have no desire to feel. I try not to feel responsible for the rending of a once happy family, yet in this family that has been my place, it has been what has defined me. Yet as I've grown up telling myself that it is all my fault, I am becoming more aware that our family was broken before my supposed destructing blow. So this year you can be free, you don't have to feel the sting of me. No instead there will be an absence of all that is wrong, all that has destroyed this family of ours. But my holidays will be different from yours, because while I won't feel the pressure that has filled my holidays for so long, they will be marked with an emptiness that I would give anything to fill. I'm beginning to understand I can't mend a brokenness that I did not cause, but that is no comfort for an unrequited love. Simply put, I love you and none of your words or actions to push me away can change that. Maybe that's what makes us so different. While my presence reminds you of hurts, your presence reminds me that as long as I believe that God still works miracles there is still hope for us. They all say it is the season for miracles and how I've waited for one for so long now. A restoration of all that is broken, a healing for all the hurt, I have a feeling the one thing that will accompany my holidays this year, as in the years past, is the tears that have come for so long now. I will fix my part of dinner that won't be shared with you, I will sit in my place with my head bowed in prayer of thanks, yet with that prayer is a prayer for you, for a miracle. I will decorate the tree with ornaments, lights, and tinsel, and listen to the songs meant to fill the heart with joy. Yet even in those moments I will look back to the years when we laughed and shared those precious moments together. I will wrap presents, write cards, and share laughs and love with others, yet there will be the thought that this year you won't be a part of that; bittersweet in so many ways. So this holiday season I will be praying for you, sending you wishes of joy, happiness, and love from afar. I will look to the sky above knowing that we share the same starry nights, the colder air with breaths that we see, and while those are small I can only hope that just maybe as you look above, you are thinking of me like I am thinking of you. If I was given the chance to express myself to you this year, I would want you to know that no matter what I still love you, I still long for us to come together with smiles and hearts overflowing with love and joy. If I were given a chance to ask Santa for one last thing, it would be a reunion for you and me. While you will probably never know these holidays' wishes of mine, they are there. So happy holidays, I wish I could wrap up my love and send it to you, but instead I will pray God will show all that I wish I could but can't.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Decisions, Decisions, What to Do?

Well yesterday turned into a very productive day. I cleaned on the house, got some errands done, and wrapped all my gifts and got them under the tree! Ciara had a little friend stay the night on Sunday night and they seemed to have so much fun. The little girl lives in Virginia and is here to visit her mom for the holidays and the mother was nice enough to let her come over for a night. Then after we dropped McKayla (that’s the little friend) off Ciara wanted someone else to stay the night with her last night. Considering her birthday is tomorrow I thought why not. So Meghan from church comes over and I don’t think I’ve heard Ciara laugh so much as when Meghan is over. It’s great to hear her laughter in the house. I can’t believe she’s going to be 12 tomorrow! I look at her and remember all the days we spent in the NICU with her. I remember the fear of wondering if she would make it because she was so incredibly small and the fear if she would be deaf and blind because she was so premature. The doctors said she could be mentally slow due to her prematurity and wondering if she would ever live a normal life. Then there were the years of the heart monitor because of her sleep apnea that caused sleepless nights so very often. She’s come such a long way and is turning into a beautiful young lady. I’m so very proud of her!

Back to yesterday’s events…Hiawatha came out yesterday because he was going dump a load of dirt into the creek. On his way out here he lost the clutch in his truck and had to drive it in low gear to get to our house. He figured he could borrow a couple of wrenches and get it fixed so he came into the house to dig around in Danny’s tool box for the right size wrenches. He had put the emergency brake on in the truck when he came into the house but apparently the clutch (which was broke) didn’t engage and the two ton truck went rolling back into a deep ditch. We come out of the house and look for the truck and it’s gone! We look up and see it sitting in the ditch and it was like oh no! Now how in the world are we going to get it out? Danny said he could get his chains and pull it out with his truck but his truck is a half ton and there is no way it’s going to pull a two ton truck out of the ditch. So Danny is still sick and doesn’t want to be in close courters with Hiawatha and get him sick. He ask me to drive Hiawatha over to the Pastor’s house so Hiawatha can get his truck and haul his tractor over and pull the truck out of the ditch. So I drive over there with Hiawatha and we have a nice talk on the way over. He gets his truck and his tractor and after 45 minutes he finally gets it out! He fixes the clutch and he’s on his way. He was worried that he would have to call a hauling company to come get the truck out, but with the help of the Lord they got it out!

The evening was spent listening to Christmas music as I wrapped Christmas gifts. I love decorating the presents; I always want them to look nice for the girls. As I start wrapping the gifts I realize I don’t have enough ribbon so I run to the dollar store and they are having a blow out sale on really nice ribbon. I ended up spending $30.00 on ribbon which is ridiculous but I couldn’t narrow down which ones I wanted and I know they will all get used in the long run. Ciara helped me match up the right ribbon with the right wrapping paper and we had a really nice time. I finally finished up around 11:45 and I decided to call it an evening.

As for today I need to run in and get Ciara her last birthday present. I need to run to the drug store and get my prescription and then clean off the table. It shouldn’t take all day I don’t think, but the table is going to be the major job. Then I really need to start doing laundry because Ciara really cleaned up her room and found tons of dirty clothes. She’s already done four loads of laundry and she will be doing more, but I don’t want her to do any on her birthday. She did ask for a special gift for her birthday and I’m not sure what to do. She asked to see my mom and grandma for her birthday and it’s not something I want to do. But if I don’t do it I look like the jerk. I really really don’t want to do this but I guess I should give them a call and see if they will be available sometime tomorrow so she can see them. I think she knows she has me between a rock and a hard place. It will be so awkward. I didn’t buy them a Christmas present because we don’t have the money and if I did do it, it would be an obligatory gift and I hate those. So if you have any advice on how to handle tomorrow I’m all ears because I really don’t know what to do. Hope everyone is doing well! Will update on the rest of the day and my decision about tomorrow later…

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Headache from My Night Out...

Well today has been an incredibly lazy day. I woke up this morning with one of my sick headaches and couldn’t even go to church. I still have the headache though it’s not as bad as it was this morning. I slept most of the day away just trying to get rid of the stupid thing. I know why I have it and it’s my own fault. I knew I would have a few drinks when I went out with Brenna last night so I decided to pick up a pack of cigarettes so I could smoke while I drank. It was a stupid thing to do considering I’ve been doing so well on the patch, but what can I say. I paid for it today.

Last night was a blast with Brenna. I love those bonding times we have together. I met some of her friends and it was a really nice night. We had a few drinks, we danced, and laughed so much. They saw a few members from the credit union and this one guy was so incredibly small! He was dancing and it was a hoot to watch. They said his name at one point and what I heard is not was they said. I thought they said his name was Triscuit and I said how mean it was of his parents to name him that. They looked at me funny and asked why. I said what is he bite size. They still didn’t understand so I said what I heard and they died laughing. No his name was Tristan. We had a good laugh over that. Then Brenna recounted a text that I had sent her the other day. Danny and I were shopping and we found this really nice crock pot, so I texted Brenna to see if she had one. But I misspelled crock pot and put down cock pot. Everyone at the table died laughing and we started crying we were laughing so hard. I ended up getting home around 2:30 and I was so tired but incredibly happy that I went.

Other than that I have done a small amount of cleaning today. Ciara did get her room cleaned finally and now she has a little friend staying the night. Shay is asleep on the couch and Danny is still in bed with his bad cold. He’s started to get the chills now, so this isn’t a good thing. He’s been taking his medicine but this cold really has a hold on him. He just feels awful. I still have the sniffles but that’s as far as mine has gone. Outside of sleeping in the same bed he’s staying away from me as much as possible which I really appreciate.

I didn’t get any presents wrapped today, but I’m considering going in there now and getting started. I just don’t feel like doing much of anything with this headache. And though I shouldn’t be, I feel so worn out. You’d think sleeping all day would have me wide awake, but I almost think I could go to bed now and sleep until the morning. I’m sitting here yawning and yawning; just so tired! I do think Danny and I are going to go out with Brenna and her new boyfriend Gil sometime in the next few weeks. She wants us to go to this club called Groovies where they play old rock music so maybe I can talk Danny into going. It will give me another reason to get dressed up again.

Well I’m going to get off of here and try to get something done, even if it is sleeping. There’s always tomorrow to get stuff done. I do need to go shopping for the rest of Ciara’s birthday presents for Wednesday. I don’t know what I’m going to get her yet, but I’ll figure it out. Always something to do.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

The Dreaded Cold!

Well I think I’m coming down with a cold. I have the sniffles, cough, stuffy nose, scratchy throat, and drainage. Yep, I really think it’s the dreaded cold. And not that you ever want to get one, but one right before Christmas and on the night I’m suppose to go out with Brenna, trying to look cute in a little dress… I think I may have to change my outfit. I suppose I should drink some hot tea with lemon and honey to maybe make my throat a little better, but it just doesn’t sound good right now.

Well we’ve already had an interesting morning. The big dogs got our dachshund Mitch dog and commenced trying to tear him up. Shannon and I were inside talking when we heard all this barking and growling, just flat out snarls, going on outside. We jumped up and ran outside to see Mitch lying on his back yelping in pain. Shannon starts screaming and crying, I start yelling at the dogs and run over to him to see if he’s ok. Shannon is spanking the other dogs trying to get them away from Mitch. It turns out that Mitch is fine. He walks like he’s a little sore, but I think he’s good.

Now I need to just get started on my day. But I am so tired right now. Danny has got a cold too, but he thinks his is turning into pneumonia because he has so much drainage in his chest. I don’t think its pneumonia yet, but he is coughing so badly. He kept me up the majority of the night with his coughing and sniffling and coughing drops just weren’t cutting it. He’s got the chills which isn’t a good sign, but luckily for me, I don’t have those. Well this isn’t getting anything accomplished and I need to get something done today. I really would like to make this a lazy day but there is too much to do for that. I wish I could go get Danny a Christmas present but he says we just don’t have the money and I had the perfect gift picked out for him. We’ll see what I can do…. Everyone try to stay warm and think warms thoughts for us. Prayers for a quick recovery from this cold is much appreciated!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Shop Till You Drop!

Oh my goodness what a day! Can we say, shop till you drop! It ended up being an extremely successful day because Shannon went and picked up Ciara from school so we were able to almost finish up. All we need now is a few stocking stuffers and I’m done. I’ve even started wrapping!! Everything is in its appropriate boxes and I don’t know what I’d do without those “pre-wrapped” boxes. Have you seen those boxes that have a scene on it, or are decorated with writing in some fashion? They are the neatest thing since sliced bread! There are still plenty of boxes that have to be wrapped the old fashion way, but I think I’ve made tremendous progress!

I was getting so tired while we were shopping today, so guess what my wonderful husband did? He signed me up for a thirty minute massage! It was a wonderful treat! There’s nothing like crawling under those covers and just letting all your stress just melt away…ahhh! I forgot how much I enjoyed those things! And while I got my massage my husband patiently waited outside and there was no rush! How awesome is he! And we shopped together and it was wonderful too. He’s great at making suggestions for the girls, so it’s not like I went out, bought all the gifts and just stuck his name on it. I know some men do that, but I count myself very fortunate that my husband gets involved.

When we got home I started unloading the car and getting everything put away. Then the phone rings and who is it? My uncle…oh no! He was calling to invite me to Christmas Eve at his house. What I can’t figure out is why I’m invited to this when no one really wants me there. Is it there obligatory call just to hear me say I already have other plans? I’m not sure, but I did tell him I did have other plans. It’s worth noting that he sounded fine and not upset in any way. I wonder if they see what mom and grandma put me through? Maybe they understand my position in some way? I’m not sure, but what I do know is I’m not going to spend my holiday with people who don’t want me. Instead I will make other plans, and I’m sure it will be great.

Tomorrow is a new day and it should be fun. I plan on finishing up the wrapping and getting the gifts under the tree. If I still have some steam left, I may go shop for the stocking stuffers, and then clean on the house some. But tomorrow night will be the best! I’m going out with Brenna and I’m sure it’s going to be a blast. When I really sit down and think about it I have so much to be thankful for, so very many blessings in my life. Yes I have found the Christmas spirit in my soul, and it was here all along!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Shopping Day #1 and More...

Well yesterday was a busy day. I didn’t stop going from the moment I got up until I finally went to bed. I had my appointment yesterday with Anita and it went wonderful! She thinks I’m doing great and I feel great! Then Ciara was singing in chapel yesterday and had her very first solo!!! She did so awesome! And while I might be somewhat bias, I think by far she was the best one up there. She sounded so beautiful I brought tears to my eyes. I was so very proud.

While we were up at school my mom, grandma, and aunt were up there. I had told Anita I was sure they would be there and that I would do my part and be as nice as they would allow me to be. I wouldn’t be discouraged by their lack of response, just do my part so I wouldn’t have any regrets when it was all done. My aunt actually came up to me and gave me a hug and a kiss and asked how I was doing. Now before you think, “Oh, that’s so sweet,” you should know she is extremely two-faced. But I hugged her back and told her I was doing well. Grandma was standing outside the door, and although she pulled back, I gave her a hug and a kiss on her check and told her I loved her. Mom was not quite as receptive. She wouldn’t let me get close to her, but I made a point of saying hi and she had to acknowledge me because Ciara was standing right there. Not bad for a day’s work if I do say so myself. I was pleased with my interaction with them and that’s all that counts.

After that Danny and I decided to tackle Christmas shopping. We got a lot of the major gifts out of the way and I was pleased with all that we were able to get accomplished. We went to Wal-Mart and I was really dreading it because I thought they would be packed. But we went to one that we don’t normally go to and it’s somewhat out of the way, but there was another store we needed to go to and it was close to that store. Anyway, it wasn’t that busy at all. No crowded isles, no annoying people, it turned out to be very nice. Now a change of places did happen. I took on a Danny role and he swapped places with me. How you ask? Well I was all about getting the presents and getting out. We had our list and I wanted to stick to it and get out of there so we could do more Christmas shopping at other stores. Anyway, he wanted to browse and look and this and that and I was getting so impatient. Normally he’s the one to say get the stuff and get out, but yesterday that was me.

After I went and picked Ciara up at school we took back the clothes from Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s shopping adventure and got our money back. Then Ciara and I went to go get our hair cut. Ciara got quite a bit cut off and it looks so cute. I went really short and back to my old hair cut, the one I stole from Megan lol. That took a little over an hour, but when we were done we were both very pleased.

When we got home we quickly changed our clothes and went down to Ma’s house for dinner. We went and bought Ma crab legs because she loves them so very much. So Danny cooked those and we all ate until we were sick! They were so wonderful. Then we played a couple of games of Farkle then we tried this new game called Scrabble Smack. That one you really have to be awake on so we only played one game of it. We got home pretty late and it was time for bed. I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow I was so tired. I slept so well last night and I really needed it.

Now we are off to go shopping again. Shannon is picking Ciara up from school which will make CC so very happy! So it’s another adventure today. I think Danny has to go qualify out at the gun range then we will start our shopping. I hope we are able to get the majority of it done today. I’m sure the stores will be packed but I’m ready to get it done so I can start cleaning on this house and get all the presents wrapped. I hope all of you are doing well and please know I keep you all in my prayers. Until next time…

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Couple of Busy Days

It’s been a couple of busy days here at the house. The time has flown by and I have less than a week and a half to get all my Christmas shopping done. This is so depressing! I haven’t even started and it makes me feel like I’m so far behind that I won’t get caught up. I’m hoping that maybe we can knock out the majority of the shopping in two days, but maybe I’m being a little too ambitious. With all the shopping I did yesterday and today you’d think I’d have something else to show besides a dress, shoes, and scarf for Ciara, but that’s all I have. I spent so much time looking for a red sweater that opens up for her outfit and I finally found one and bought it, only to have her not like it (of course I didn’t like it when I bought it but it was the only one I could find). It took 10 stores to find one red scarf! It’s Christmas time for heaven’s sake! Where’s all the red!?

So when we went to Shannon’s band concert the other night it was so wonderful. Before we got there we took Ma out to her first restaurant dinner since who knows when. We went and ate Pho and it was wonderful and she really enjoyed herself. I also couldn’t tell you the last time (if ever) she’s been to one of Shay’s concerts. Ma enjoyed the music even if it was freezing in the PAC. Shannon was so excited that Ma and Roy had come, she ran up and hugged her and started to cry. It was a very moving moment.

I have been working some around the house. I’m trying to get caught up on laundry and it’s not quite knee high anymore. I could be doing something right now, but my head is killing me. I took some medicine and now I’m just waiting for it to kick in. Speaking of headaches, Danny is doing much better since he had his shot on Monday. The headache has stayed at a 3-4 rather than a 9-10! He is really encouraged that maybe this is going to finally work. Poor dear, this headache has been going on now for almost two months and I know he’s tired of it hurting.

I did go to the doctor today myself. I went to see if I could get a few stitches in my ear because when I was brushing my hair, my hairbrush got caught on my earring and about ripped it all the way out. Ouch! But I found out today that you can put stitches in ears, who knew! He said it should heal up nicely, but to keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn’t get infected because an infection in cartilage can be disfiguring and spread to other places, again who knew!

Well I think I’m going to go take a short nap and try and get rid of this headache. It’s really kicking my butt and we’ve got our Christmas church party tonight that I need to make something for before we leave. And we have to leave early to go get Ciara some small give away items for her class party tomorrow. So much to do so little time! Well my yawning is getting in the way of my typing so I’ll update again soon.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

The Nerve of Some People!

I can’t believe the nerve of some people! I can’t understand why people build up such a strong hatred toward you when they barely know you. I’m dealing with this situation currently. I have someone being spitefully mean for no reason (and no it’s not my mother lol). I think they must lead a miserable existence. Not because they don’t like me but to be so negative about people. What is said on Facebook is just fragments of our lives. Never does it truly reflect our full person. Now the real question is how do you KINDLY deal with these kind of people. The Bible instructs me to love everyone and I can see with this particular person why that is such a hard thing to do. When I read a post about me from this person I was livid! No nice words would come to mind. They would like to remove me from their friend list, which is fine because I don’t want anyone to have me on there that doesn’t want me. The question is why would you add me in the first place if you can’t stand me? It just makes no sense! What is also mind boggling is I’ve never knowingly done anything to this person. I’ve always tried to treat this person with love because frankly it’s a family member. What really makes me upset is I’ve allowed myself to be so upset by it! Shame on me for letting other people affect me this way. It’s my fault for getting so upset. And at the end of the day, so what if they don’t like me. There are plenty of other people in my life that have been a lot closer to me that can’t stand me than this person. I just need to pick myself up (why did I let them knock me down in the first place! Grr) dust myself and start living life around people that truly love me!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

The House is Almost Done!

Well I sit here with most of the house decorated and I’m worn smooth out. I went to church this morning and taught the kids and it’s so neat teaching them about baby Jesus. I could’ve really used some fellowship time, but I needed to fulfill my part in the body of Christ. Now I’m getting one of my bad headaches and I’m thinking I should take a break and lay down for a nap for a little while. I’m proud of myself for buckling down and going ahead and decorating the house. Yes, it was lonely but at least it’s done and I won’t feel bad for getting nothing up this year.

I talked with my friend today that’s considering getting a divorce. I teach her kids in my Sunday school class and they are just precious. Anyway, the middle son Calvin was so sad today because my friend and her husband have separated and he’s having so much trouble with it. I talked with her and told her that God wants no family separated. I told her she really needed to reconsider the divorce. Marriage is not easy. It’s something both parties have to work hard at. She said Danny and I had it so easy because we were so much in love. This may be true (the love part) but we’ve had more than our fair share of trials. I just told her we were both committed to making our marriage work. We actually work at our marriage. He still takes me on date nights and I do what I can for him as a supportive wife. I give him the assurance he needs that he is a wonderful husband. We are also both committed to each other and let no one (and I mean no one!) come between us. It has cost me my family, but he is worth it. The vows said forsaking all others and I meant it. I told her that her marriage vows were not only to her husband but more importantly to God. So when she severs this marriage the greatest vow she is breaking is to Him. The children will pay dearly, and I know no one person that says divorce was the best thing they ever did. I told her that marriages have come back from worse problems than what they are going through if she is ready for some hard work, but work that’s worth all the effort for the blessings it will bring.

I guess I’ve taken a break for long enough. My sweet honey woke up and is watching TV in the other room. Maybe I’ll go in there with him and have some snuggle time. That always makes my day better. But first I better feed the rabbits and the horses. Still plenty to do and I doubt I’ll get it all done today. Tomorrow I have to take Danny to the doctor to see about all these headaches and I pray they are able to come up with a game plan to get these headaches to go away. Well, until later, I hope you all know that I keep you in my prayers!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Where Are You Christmas?...

As I sit here looking at my partially decorated house, I try to find the spirit of Christmas within my soul. It’s still in the house as Danny has gone to work and the house is empty of all the girls. It makes me incredibly sad to be doing this on my own. I wonder if this is a picture of what is to come as the girls continue to grow up. I remember the times when all the girls would come over and we would decorate the tree together. Brenna and I would make homemade hot chocolate and we would break out the pretty Christmas glasses and drink to happy times. Then when the tree was done we would shut off all the lights in the house and just stare at the beautiful tree. Then we would all go outside and look at it through the window and it was like a picture out of a movie. Those moments are forever frozen in my memory, engraved on my heart. Then we would all curl up on the couch and snuggle as we watched “The Grinch that Stole Christmas” with Jim Carey. I won’t watch the movie this year because it just wouldn’t be right to watch it without the girls here. I made me a cup of instant hot chocolate and it made me cry.

My soul longs to find that find that feeling of Christmas. The joy of Christmas can only be found within the heart that’s filled with love. It reminds me of the song “Where Are You Christmas” by Faith Hill. It’s one of my all time favorite songs at Christmas time as I go in search for that elusive Christmas spirit. It normally comes around when I watch “The Nativity Story”. Maybe I’ll put that movie in tonight, but it hardly seems right when I’m all by myself. I remember one particular Christmas that the spirit of it was bursting inside of me. My joy was contagious as was my smile. You’ll not find a smile tonight, only tears. I don’t think the girls realize just how much I miss them. I miss their laughter and their smiles. It warms my heart just to think about it. I won’t put the angel on the tree because that is Danny’s job and I have to leave something the same.

So when I get off here I’m sure I’ll start going through more boxes and unpacking all the decorations. However, my mind will be replaying all the cold evenings when I didn’t do this by myself. I’ll remember all the times I was surrounded by my family and joy pulsed through the room. Not my happiest of writings, but I never promised all happy times. My heart is longing for the past if but for a moment. I also remember Christmas’s with my mom that were so wonderful. Nights like tonight make me miss that so very much. However, living in the past takes away the present blessings God is waiting to bestow on me.

The whole reason we celebrate this wonderful season is the birth of our precious Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the only gift I need tonight. I don’t need to long for days past, but be content to live here in the moment. He supplies all my needs and longs to give me the joy my heart so longs for. He is the Spirit of Christmas, the very essence of it. So maybe tonight I’ll sit down with my Bible and read over the first Christmas ever. I’ll think of what Mary must have felt holding the Son of God. I wonder what her first lullaby was to Him? I wonder what His cry sounded like. The cry of God here on earth. Did she understand that the birth of Christ was to give life to the rest of us through His death and resurrection? Yes this is the meaning of Christmas; the birth of a small baby, a gift to us all. In that is the greatest joy of all. So may God find my heart soft and my spirit light. May He find me with the Spirit of Christmas permeating my very being. Christmas is here and if we live life right the joy of it never fades away. May all of our hearts be filled with the Spirit of Christmas, may our hearts be light, and our souls filled with joy.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

You Will Get Me Through...

Can you hear my cry? Can you see my frustration?
What could I possibly do to change this situation?
There is no where that I can turn that is my own.
No private place where I would seek to be alone.
Inside I’m screaming, but outside I act fine.
I’m always searching and trying out to walk that fine line.
How can you help me, what will You do.
I’m tired of acting; I must be freed soon.
You are my only hope so I come to You,
Trying to find out how You will get me through.
Hear my cry, see my frustration,
Only You can change this situation.
I know where to turn, and it’s only to You.
You are my hiding place, where I run to.
You hear my scream and know I’m not fine.
You assure me there’s no reason to walk that fine line.
You alone can help me, it’s what You do.
And You tell me I’ll be freed soon.
You are my only hope so I come to You,
Knowing somehow You will get me through.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Expensive Flat Tire!!!

Well my one flat now has gone to four bad tires! Not only were they balding, but they were starting to split. I went in for a free flat fix and it’s now going to cost us over $800.00! This was not the news I was expecting! We are really blessed that we didn’t have some kind of blow out in one of the tires while I was driving it. Talk about the divine hand of God protecting us!!! Not only that but they discovered my car needs to be aligned and that's another $60.00. What and expensive flat tire!

In other news, we had to go back to the ER again today for Danny’s headache. These headaches are getting worse and worse. I pray this doctor’s appointment on Monday will finally get him some relief. I know he’s sick of having to go to the ER and I’m beginning to wonder if the doctors don’t think he’s some kind of druggie. I think the only thing that’s saving him from those speculations is the fact he’s a police officer and we always call the doctor’s office first to see if they can get him in so he doesn’t have to go to the ER. They realize it’s our last option.

Well we didn’t get anything else done today so that means it’s all got to be done tomorrow. It seems like every day there seems to be more and more put off until the next day. I wonder if anyone else lives a life of procrastination the way we do. I don’t think there is anything on the agenda tonight so I might just curl up in the chair and get caught up on some TV. It’s too dark to get the Christmas stuff in now (and too cold) and I can’t think of anything else I wanted to get done here besides bills and that can wait until the morning. Just another day at the Fitzwilliam household!

Another Busy Day...

Nothing beats hot chocolate coffee in the morning! I’m sitting here sipping it while I contemplate all that needs to be done today. Danny is still trying to sleep off his headache and we have so much to do. First we need to go get the bales of hay. He needs to go qualify at the gun range. I need to go get that flat fixed on the car. Bills need to be paid. And finally he said we are getting the Christmas stuff in today so I can start decorating.

I did work on the house some last night and it does look better besides the dining room table which is Danny’s job. I figure I’ll dust and vacuum while I’m decorating because it’s all going to get dirty as I unpack it all. I think I’ve come up with a great idea. There is no sense in cleaning now when I’ll just have to go over all of it again.

I’m anticipating a good day today. Ciara did get sick on our way to school this morning. Her asthma was really acting up and when it does she coughs like crazy. She had fixed herself some scrambled eggs this morning for breakfast and all of it came back up with a ton of phlegm. Yuck! So we ended up driving back to the house so she could get changed and cleaned up and she ended up being an hour late for school. I did call the school and let them know what was going on and they weren’t 100% certain that they wanted her there. But after I reassured them it was just caused by her asthma they were fine.

I guess I better get off of here and get started. I’m wondering if I shouldn’t go get the hay myself since Danny is still sleeping and he does have to work tonight. Well as we speak he’s not sleeping anymore because his phone went off. Oh, I totally forgot! He’s got to go to the doctor at 3:30! I better get busy!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Time Is All I Have....

What a productive day it was! It helps incredibly when you don’t stay in bed until well after 10:00am. I was up bright and early this morning to go to my appointment with Anita. She thinks I am making big improvements and that is always exciting to hear. After that I headed for the tanning bed and basked in its warmth on this very cold day. I also splurged today and went to Ross and got me a cute gray coat for only $16.00, a pair of gray boots, and a gray purse (and a few other tidbits). Then I headed to the health store for all kinds of things that are good for you. Then I decided to be a good wife and got the oil changed in Danny’s truck for him, and then I headed to the feed store for the horse and dog feed.

On my way back home I got a call from Danny saying he had one of his horrible headaches and he wanted me to take him to the emergency room. So we sat in there for several hours while the doctors through every medicine at him that you could possibly imagine. The headache has gotten a little better, but he can’t go to work tonight because they gave him a pretty hefty pain shot. It didn’t knock him out, but he is feeling somewhat better.

I had to call Gary and Jan to go get Ciara from school while we were waiting in the ER. Ciara was excited to be able to go with them for awhile. Once we left we went and picked up Briar, Stevie, and Nicky to come help unload all the feed. Now all we’re waiting for is for dinner to be ready down at Steve and Tanya’s house. She made some taco soup today and that sure sounds good.

I haven’t started cleaning yet but it’s next on my list. I don’t know how much I can get knocked out before dinner time but I’m gonna give it all I have. I have determined that tomorrow will be a busy day too. I’m going to air up my flat and get it changed at Hibbon’s (I’m getting really tired of driving Danny’s truck) and then its home to clean, clean, clean. Depending on the weather tomorrow I might just get out there and start working on the shed so I can finally get my Christmas stuff up. All these plans, so little time, but time is all I have!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A Very Specific Prayer...

Tonight I asked for a very specific prayer at church. Normally I would just put down an unspoken request, but the Lord laid it on my heart that I needed to share a portion of the unspoken request. I gave just a short version of the relationship problems that I have with my mom and grandma and shared the burden on my heart about desiring reconciliation but not seeing that happen. We prayed for it among many other requests. As it turned out there is another woman who attends our church that is having similar issues with her mom. We stood around after church and I shared the majority of my story with her. Now when I say the majority of my story that includes my own shortcomings. She was really open to what I had to say and I pray that God got the glory during my story. I did share with her where I felt God had led me and that I looked to His Word to guide me at all times. I told her where I had really messed up at Ciara’s Thanksgiving breakfast, but that I had asked for forgiveness from God for that. To me it’s always encouraging when other people look to their church family to fill a void from a broken genetic family. What God has given me in a church family has so far surpassed any wish I had for a real family. They are my real family. We are tied together through the blood of Jesus Christ. It doesn’t get any more real than that. After we talked she walked away encouraged in the Lord. We both promised to pray for each other and to continue to lift each other up as we see each other. I goes to remind me of the passage where Jesus said He didn’t come to bring peace but division. He said in that passage that father would be divided against the son and mother divided against her daughter. He also said anyone who didn’t love Him more than their family wasn’t worthy of Him. God has drawn a very clear line for those who choose to follow Him. I always seek His wisdom in this situation and though I don’t always make the best decision, I do make an effort. If you would, please pray for all of those who struggle with broken families; not just us with the problems that I have already stated but also for those children that come from divorced families. Our families are in a very sad state and desperately need the love of Christ pulsing through them. We all need more of the love of Christ in our lives. With the season of giving and love among us now, I pray that we are filled with the love of Christ and that we can show it to all of those we are around.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Tons to Do...

I’m sitting here with a ton to do, but no desire to do anything. My sink is filled with dishes, my cabinets are loaded full, my carpets need to be vacuumed, my laundry needs to be washed, with a myriad of other things to do. If I kept going I could almost make a poem out of that. But who wants to read a poem about a dirty house? I don’t know what it will take to get me in gear. I know I should be doing something, yet here I sit. Not only me, but Danny and Ciara are watching TV. We could all be doing something right now. We didn’t get much accomplished today because we had to go down and sit with Ma again. Roy seems to take forever when he runs into town and he seems to need to go every day. He stays gone a few hours and someone has to stay with her because she is still so weak. I’m not complaining about sitting with her, I just wish Roy could get all his running done on one day so we could get some things done around here. We did play Farkle with Ma a little bit and she won both times. We are sitting here waiting to head for church. We ate out again tonight because I don’t have anything in the house to cook. I’m getting back into the same rut that I was in awhile back. I was doing so well there for awhile, cleaning on the house every day. Now I sit around blogging my non-progress instead of getting up and doing something about it. I don’t know what Danny would do with a totally clean house. Probably fall over in a dead faint. He says we got up our Christmas stuff up late last year but I don’t remember it being this late. While I’ve been sitting here it’s dawned on me that I’ve got to pay bills. So I guess I better get to it because heaven knows they won’t pay themselves. Oh how I wish they did!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Feeling the Pressure...

I’m really starting to feel the pressure of the upcoming Christmas holiday. We have so much to do and time is just flying by! Danny wants to get the fence done and I want to get the shed done so we can get the tree up and decorations out. I just don’t see how we are going to get it all done and with each day that passes the less and less I want to do it at all. We’ve never been this late in getting the Christmas stuff up! The house is a mess, the car still has a flat, the fence isn’t close to getting done, we need to go sit with Ma again today, the horses need feed and hay and we have to get it today, and we have to go to church tonight. With all this to do, guess what we’re doing? Sitting on our duffs! Here I am typing and he’s watching the TV. I just don’t have any drive to get anything done. I take Ciara to school then I come back home and go back to bed. I’m sleeping in every day till 11:30 and with half the day gone what can I possibly get done? I’m getting more and more frustrated with each passing day. Tomorrow I won’t be able to start in right away because I have my appointment with Anita. However I really need to go see her! I have so much to vent about and I need direction. Well Roy just called and we have to go sit with Ma. So here we go! I hope we get something on our list accomplished today!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Ciara's Christmas Program

Well I was a little nervous about going to Ciara’s program tonight because I knew my mom and grandma would be there. There is always that dread of a fight in the pit of my stomach and as the time grows near it makes me nauseous. However, I told myself that if an opportunity presented itself tonight I would be polite, kind, and loving to the extent to which they would allow. I can hardly complain about them being cold if I don’t put some effort out there myself. So we got Ciara to school on time and went and found us some seats. We looked for them to see if they had made it yet and as far as we could tell they hadn’t. We did finally see them come in, but they didn’t see us. When we (Danny and I) caught their eye we waved and smiled and got nothing in return. Normally my grandma will at least acknowledge us, but not tonight. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little angry about not being told about Maxine’s death, but I thought there is nothing I can do about it so move forward. I still decided if another opportunity presented itself I would still be polite. We watched the program and it was good. It’s always neat to see you kid up there singing! It’s one thing that just doesn’t grow old. I think she did a tremendous job and it made me smile watching her. However, overshadowing her singing, was their presence. That sounds horrible but it’s true. When she was done we had already decided we wouldn’t be staying for the rest of the program, so we looked all over the school for Ciara and couldn’t find her. Finally Danny said he was going to go warm up the truck while I continued to look for her. After what seemed like forever I finally found her and told her it was time to go, but she wanted to go in there and tell them goodbye. I told her I would be waiting out in the truck for her because the next portion of the program was going on and I didn’t want to be a disturbance to it. She came out with them after about five minutes and when they came out the door both Danny and I yelled out hi to them from the truck. Again we were never acknowledged. It’s so sad when they can’t even be civil at Ciara’s Christmas program. I shouldn’t be surprised over the way they acted, but there is still a small part of me that wishes things were just fine between us. I was surprised at the way grandma acted because normally she is the level headed on between the two of them. So now we are back at home and I’m drinking my hot tea, getting ready to call it a night. It’s been a long day in a weird sort of way even though I didn’t get up till late. Tomorrow I’m really going to try to get some work done around the house along with going and getting feed for all the animals. We’ll see what the Lord has in store for us. For tonight I pray I have good dreams and that they are undisturbed by dreams of them. Anymore they seem to even invade my dreams and I have a hard time getting a good, restful night’s sleep while I dream about them. So hopefully tonight will be filled with visions of sugared plums dancing over my head lol. A woman can wish can’t she!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

She's All Dressed in Black...

She’s all dressed in black looking so grown up. She’s so mad that she even has to go. Go where you ask? To her annual Christmas program. Ciara came home from school today and informed me that her Christmas program was tonight. I thought the sixth graders wouldn’t be in it this year, but no we were wrong. So this means she has nothing to wear and I mean NOTHING! She is supposed to be dressed in all black with red accents and she doesn’t have anything that fits. Everything she has is a year old and she’s grown quite a bit from last year. So that means we must go digging through my closet because we don’t have time to go shopping. Nor do I have time to cook dinner tonight and we are all starving. So I guess we’ll be leaving early to stop at Sonic and grab a quick dinner. I think a jalapeño cheese burger with tater tots sounds pretty good. But I could still eat the soup we’ve had for the past two nights. In the mean time Ciara is complaining because I’m making her go tonight. She would opt out if it was up to her, but I told her she had to go. I don’t think she is very happy with my decision, but I can’t imagine not going to her program. Well we have to go vote first before we head to dinner and Danny is getting ready right now. Ciara has to be in the classroom at 6:45 and that means we should be able to find some decent seats. She is supposed to be cleaning her room, but I told her I wouldn’t prompt her that it was all up to her to get it done. She has one week to get it clean and if it isn’t she is grounded a day for everyday that it isn’t clean. When I say grounded I mean from everything! She will have no phone, no TV, no radio, no nothing! Well I’ve gone on long enough. I’m sure there will be plenty to tell after the program. In the mean time I think I will go get me a snack!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Still Have a Flat...

Well we didn’t get the flat changed on my car today which means I’ll be driving the truck again tomorrow morning. Oh, joy! Danny says that he’ll get it changed tomorrow and then I can go in and get it fixed and the tires rotated. We did get part of the fence done today in the freezing cold. It got to the point where I couldn’t feel my fingers or my toes. I’m sure my nose was so red I could’ve passed for Rudolph. The fence is going to take much longer than either of us expected so I don’t know when I’m going to get the shed done. It looks like I’m barely going to get the Christmas stuff up then I’m going to have to turn right around and take it down again. I’m really trying to get myself into the Christmas spirit, but I’m having a hard time accomplishing that. One thing is for sure is it’s beginning to feel like Christmas with it being so cold outside. I did find out today that I will be losing my computer for a week come next Sunday so it can get cleaned up and get some anti-virus software on here. I don’t know what I’ll do without my computer for a full week! I must say I think I’m addicted to this thing! Well I think dinner is about done so I better run and feed these kiddos!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Flat Tire...

I woke up to a flat tire this morning and I wasn’t happy. That meant I had to drive the truck to take Ciara to school this morning. The truck makes me so nervous because it’s so big! I did ok, but was shaking the whole time I was driving it. Danny says he’s going to air up the tire and he wants me to take it to Hibbons so I can get the flat fixed and get the tires rotated. That should be fun. I hate sitting it Hibbons waiting for my turn. It always takes so incredibly long. In other news, we are headed outside to work on the fence again. Danny thinks we can get it done before he goes back to work on Wednesday. I hope so because the puppies are learning they can run down the street. They aren’t remotely afraid of cars and run right under them. The last thing I need is to lose another dog because it gets hit by a car. I took Annanias’s death so hard and I can’t imagine losing Elowyn or Asher. Ciara woke up this morning with her asthma in full swing. I wouldn’t have sent her to school if she hadn’t missed so many days so far. But she can’t afford to miss anymore school. She went out and worked on the rabbit hutch yesterday and did a great job on it, but she should know by now that all that mold and dust flares her up. Not only that but she spent the whole day outside which I’m sure didn’t help matters any. I might have to borrow Jason’s breathing machine again to get the asthma back under control. When she gets like this it seems that if we don’t do the breathing treatments she just gets worse. Back to the fence; I’m all bundled up ready to go. I look so pudgy with all these clothes on but at least I’ll be half way warm. I’m on my second cup of chocolate coffee (I love that stuff!) and hopefully it will help keep me warm as I go and work outside. I would be surprised if it makes it out of the thirty’s today. I don’t know why we waited so long to work on it. The next project is cleaning out the shed so we can finally get the Christmas decorations up. I’m still not in the mood to decorate, but it must be done. I’m thinking that I’ll have to clean out the shed by myself, unless we can get the whole fence done today. That leaves us all day tomorrow to work on the shed and I’ll need Danny’s help to get all the decorations in. I think I’ve given up on the thought that we can get all the girls out here to help. I figure this next weekend, when we don’t have the girls I can get all the decorations up. So much to do, with so little time. With this in mind I think I’ll have one more cup of coffee!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

She's Really Gone...

I still can’t believe Maxine is gone. I know it should be easy to accept, but I didn’t even know she was doing that badly. I’m still frustrated with the situation but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. For some reason I keep thinking if I would have done just a little more, maybe things wouldn’t be this way, but the truth is I really did do all that I could. No one person can save a relationship all by themselves. A relationship consists of two people and it takes both of them to make it work. I can’t keep beating myself up when I’ve done all I can do. But I’m still mad that they refuse to make the effort that could fix this whole thing. At this point I think both of us have dug our feet in and refused to be moved. I won’t be moved because I believe my husband is my number one priority here on earth followed by my kids. I believe whole heartedly that it is what God would have me to do. When I said my vows I said forsaking all others and unfortunately it came to that. Most of the vows you say in the wedding ceremony are for the extreme moments so I guess these counts as some of those moments. I did talk to Ciara last night trying to get her to understand the situation. However, she just doesn’t understand. Maybe she’s too young yet, but there are certain truths she should be able to recognize. I tried reasoning with her and putting them on her level, but I can see that now and in the future, there will be things we just disagree about. Maybe God will put the burden on her heart to keep her family first and I hope He does. Then maybe she can understand where I’m coming from. In the mean time I think I just need to be still and know He is God. He can handle all things and He knew this would happen before I did. He will be there to comfort my soul and see me through this. I am learning as far as they’re concerned there is no such thing as a common courtesy. I won’t be notified of illnesses or sicknesses. I must accept this and come to a peace about it. Peace is all I can seek at this moment because there is no way I will ever be able to understand it. I have determined I won’t let this affect my holidays. I won’t allow them to have that power over me. I am responsible for myself and my actions and I only answer to God. As long as I keep myself aligned with His will for my life and seek Him in all things I will be ok. Peace can be an elusive feeling to have. I wonder how people have peace in all things. I wonder how you give thanks in all things. Right now I don’t have a peace and I try to see what I can give thanks for about the situation. I pray God gives me clarity about this and directs my heart in the way it should go. My reliance is on Him and Him alone. I won’t let their poison affect me, because in the end it is my choice what I let affect me and what I don’t. I must forgive them most of all. Again forgiveness is a choice and they don’t have to ask for it in order for me to give it. That’s my prayer for today; that I may find peace, give thanksgiving, and forgive. It’s a tall order for one day, but with the help from Christ I can do this.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

I Sure Need Him...

I say I can’t believe their pettiness, but I don’t know why it should surprise me. This isn’t the first death that I have missed, but for whatever reason this one is hitting me hard. They didn’t tell me when Bea died and now Maxine has died and they have said their goodbyes and I am just finding out the news. It just reminds me of all the reasons why we don’t have a relationship. Why couldn’t have mom and grandma given me one call to let me know that Maxine had passed away? I’m hurt, crying, and right now I’m livid! I am somehow in shock and disbelief that they have done this again but I don’t know why. I guess it just proves how much they hate me and it drives that dagger in just that much deeper. I get mad because I can’t see how Ciara doesn’t see their deceptive and petty, bitter ways. Sometimes I just want to shake some sense into her. But she’s so young and she just doesn’t get it. I don’t want her to be poisoned by their lies. I can’t rest easy tonight because I don’t know that Maxine was a Christian. My soul can’t find any rest in the fact I will see her again, because it’s simply something I don’t know. I know she never went to church and she never spoke of God and was questioning my grandma’s faith. I pray that God comforts me because right now I sure need Him.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A Teapot Calling My Name...

Today seemed to be a pretty busy day. It was almost like I got up with both feet running. Maybe it wasn’t quite that bad, but it was pretty crazy. I went and got Ciara right away and it’s good to have her back home. Then the girls and I made a trip to Wal-Mart that seemed to last for hours! The lines were incredibly long and people were getting on my nerves. Then we had to run by Lowe’s for some more stuff for the fence. After that I dropped Ciara off at a friend’s house so she could play with her for the evening. Shay and I were hungry so we stopped at Panera quickly and got a meal for the road. When we got home I threw a load of clothes into the washer while Shay washed her hair. Then it was time to start getting ready for the Christmas party at church this evening. First I had to make some chocolate chip cookie bars for tonight since we were having snacks at the party. Shay helped me empty the pan that the other cookies were in so I could use that pan and then she washed it for me. Then I started to get ready which was a good thing because when I checked Facebook for the time (I thought it started at 5:30) it said that it started at 5:00! So we were running around here trying to get the presents wrapped for Dirty Santa and I tried to get the cookies cut but there just wasn’t enough time. So we went to church and had a good time and ate so much food! There wasn’t as much stealing this year as there has been in years past, but it was still fun. I still have a little bit of a headache left and I’m thinking about going to bed early because we have to get up early and go to church in the morning. But I think first I will have a cup of tea and maybe a bit of cake before I start that way. And maybe see what’s up with Ciara because she sure has been quite since she’s been home and I wonder if something is bugging her. Anyway, that’s for another post. For now I have a teapot calling my name!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Outside Again...

Well we are going back outside to work again today but I am happy to report not on the hot wire fence! I’ve had enough jolts to last me awhile. Today should be fairly productive because we are going to be working on the regular fence and then cleaning out the shed so we can get to the Christmas stuff. That also means I have to clean the house so we can even get the Christmas stuff and for the life of me I don’t want to do it! I’m not saying I’m not in a holiday mood; I just don’t want to put all that stuff up only to take it all down in a month. It’s not pointless, just so much work! But, like always, I will get out there and get it all done. Maybe if I put on some Christmas music it will get me in the mood. As for me at this moment I’m drinking my chocolate coffee and procrastinating on getting up and getting dressed to go outside. It’s so cold out there and I woke up with one of my headaches this morning so maybe that’s why I don’t want to do anything. Not really, I haven’t been wanting to do this from the word go. I don’t have a lot of energy either. That’s crazy since normally I sleep at least ten hours a night. Maybe I’m sleeping too much… Just a thought. Well this isn’t getting anything done, but it’s getting plenty off my chest and my mind. However, that doesn’t get the work done! But I do think I will have one more cup of coffee before I tackle anything. Besides, Danny is playing gold on the Xbox so why shouldn’t I enjoy a little more coffee before I start my day. I’m sure I’ll report back later with the events of the day so stay tuned!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Most Shocking!

So today (of all days) we decided to go work outside and get some chores done. I might mention it didn’t get out of the 30’s today so it was freezing! I bundled up as much as possible with layers upon layers of clothes. Our first chore was to fix the electric fence because Carmel keeps getting out, like almost every day! Danny got a call at 3:00 in the morning just this morning saying he was out again. I think our neighbor (bless her heart!) is getting sick of him (to which I don’t blame her!)! We had up an electric tape up but it kept falling and it wouldn’t stay up and the horses keep walking right through it. It’s very frustrating because we spent so much on that fence only to find out that it’s fairly flimsy. So we decided to couple the electric take with good old sturdy horse wire. We hook it up to the solar shocker only to find it doesn’t work. So we put in a new battery and it still won’t work. We hooked up the ground wire and not even a pulse. So Danny grabs the ground wire and the fence and he screams and I try not to laugh (though I’m dying to inside) because it shocks the heck out of him. So we are trying to figure out why the fence won’t work on its own, but it will work perfectly well if you are dumb enough to grab the ground wire. So Danny starts trying to rewire the fence. I help where I’m needed and offer my suggestions. So he thinks he has it figured out and he asked me to touch the fence. I do and nothing! So he asked me to grab the ground wire to see if it still works, so I figure if the fence isn’t working then when I touch the ground wire I might (I stress that might!) be fine. But no!!! I screamed so loud! It hurt like no tomorrow. So we keep working on it and from here on out Danny asked me to grab the fence and call me a sucker I sure did! The one troubling thing was that the regular fence wouldn’t send out a shock unless you grabbed the ground wire and we couldn’t figure out why. So we come inside briefly to look it up online. After reading on the website Danny says we have it wired right. But then he looks at our shoes and realizes that we both have on rubber soled shoes. So he asked me to take off one of my shoes and touch just the fence. I’m thinking we’re going to go into town and buy a new solar shocker because there is something wrong with this one. So I’ve been right so far and the fence doesn’t work, right! Well I take off my shoe and stand on my one bare foot and touch the fence and son of a gun!!!! That shock hurt so bad! So this ate up the majority of our afternoon. After that we went and played Farkle for awhile with Ma and now I’m back inside where it’s nice and warm. I plan on staying that way for the rest of the evening. Just a little piece of advice; when your husband asked you to grab a hot wire, kindly decline!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Relatively Nice Day

Today was a relatively nice day. For the better part of the afternoon and evening we went and stayed with Ma while Roy went shopping. We were able to get her up and she played Farkle with us. She seemed to really enjoy herself. She has a black eye at the moment from a fall trying to go to the bathroom by herself (which she knows she is no supposed to do!). She says it’s pretty sore, which I’m not surprised by. Anyway, I was able to get a few things done around the house today, but it pretty much was non-productive. I did get a call from Michelle today and she told me I didn’t get the job at Keathley. I can’t say I’m surprised, but I was kind of hoping for it because we really need the money. But I figure God will give me a job when He’s ready for me to have one. The other reason I don’t have a job is because I am so amazingly picky! I have a schedule that requires a part time flexible job and you can’t find many of those. It’s hard to complain about money though when you only have one income coming in. But Danny understands and doesn’t seem to mind. He was of the mindset that the extra income would be nice, but as long as we watch what we’re doing, we should be ok. It does tend to make me nervous with Christmas coming up, but we will just have to be extra careful this year. Well I think I’m going to go relax for awhile and get caught up on my Bible study. I thought I had come to the end of the work on my current chapter, but it turns out I still have one more lesson to do. So there is no time like the present considering there is nothing else to do. Maybe if I relax I can get rid of this partial headache and not get a full one. Hopefully it will work out this way.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

December Already!

I can’t believe its December already! I look back over this year and wonder where the time has gone. There is so much I regret about this year and some things I truly cherish. This was also a year of first, some good and some bad. I started smoking this year and six months later I stopped. I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions the majority of this year and I’m ready for that to be over. I watched our girls grow and get a little older. The time has flown by so fast. I remember when none of them were driving and Ciara was still shorter than my knees. Now all but Ciara is driving, and she is almost taller than me. Enough about this though, now about today. I went to the doctor today and she thinks I’m doing really well. She scheduled to see me in six weeks as long as I continue to see Anita (the counselor). She said that I could come in sooner if need be, but I’m hoping that I can get through Christmas without any meltdowns though. For some reason I’m incredibly tired today. Maybe it was the stress of having to take Danny back to the ER last night, I’m not sure though. I think today might be a nap day. I need to be working around the house, but I just don’t have the energy. Maybe if I rest for awhile I will feel better. When I went to the doctor today I had gained so much weight it’s not even funny! I need to get out and do some serious walking and exercise. Again maybe I’ll feel like it after a nap. I really want a cigarette today for some reason. I didn’t cave the three times I went into a store, but it was hard not to. Ok I’m getting really sleepy so I guess I’m going to go lay down for awhile and try to get some rest since I didn’t sleep well last night. These nicotine patches are doing a number on my sleeping habits with so many crazy dreams. I’ll be glad when I don’t have to wear them anymore, besides that they make my arm itch. I think after my nap I will do some Bible study. That always makes me feel better. Ok I’m really going this time but I’ll be back!

Melissa Fitzwilliam