So tomorrow I’m going to see a hypnotist to finally quit smoking! I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am about not smoking anymore! I really wanted to quit on the patches, but while it takes away the physical craving for a cigarette, it doesn’t take away the mental craving for one. The man I’m going to see is named Patrick. He has high hopes for me because I was such an anti-smoker for almost 30 years and I’ve only been smoking a year he is saying it should be an easy fix! He is also going to go over not over-eating when I quit smoking. It has long been know that when people stop smoking they start eating and I don’t want that. So I get weight loss and smoking all in one session! This is great!!! I know my family will be so happy that I’m not smoking anymore not to forget my Lord! I can’t imagine how His heart broke when I picked them up in rebellion. But tomorrow is a new day with new beginnings!
Today was a typical day at work. I did get to do something new today. They taught me how to do freight and it took up quite a bit of my time. Also mom and grandma came to the store to pick up some sandals that I had saved for mom. I was talking with my dear brother in the Lord earlier and he has some good sound counsel. If mom and grandma can’t accept Danny then they can’t accept me. Right now it’s a trust issue with them. They simply don’t trust him. If what they say actually happened (and he swears it didn’t and they swear it did) then I could understand there trust issues. I want to believe my husband more than anything. And also I don’t like the fact that they are trying to almost force a wedge between us. That is not of God!!! But they simply can’t see that. In their eyes, they are doing me a favor. Danny thinks they are setting me up for another heart break. I hope he’s wrong and that God is working on fixing everything, I just don’t know.
Well my hubby is in bed waiting to cuddle with me so I guess I better run. My body is feeling achy right now and I don’t feel the hottest. I have a coffee date with Tara in the morning that I’m very excited about and then it’s off to see Patrick. I also need to work on the house and my husband is taking me out for a celebration dinner for me quitting smoking or just to take me out lol. Elowyn (my dog, baby, puppy, soon to be momma) is getting bigger with each passing day. Either she is going to have some big puppies or just a lot of them. I have puppy-itis so bad right now it’s not even funny! I need another baby to cuddle and pretty soon I’m sure the little ones will be driving me crazy. I’ll keep you posted!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sweet Dreams Tonight!
This will be short and sweet. No tears tonight…today was a restful day! I got up to take Ciara to school and came back home and crashed again. I feel asleep in the recliner last night and stayed there until 3:30 this morning. The bad thing about that is the chair is so uncomfortable that I didn’t sleep well. Then when I finally went to bed, Danny decided to sleep out on the couch. The window was open and our room got so cold that I spent the rest of the night freezing. So needless to say I didn’t get hardly any sleep last night. I slept until almost 1:00 this afternoon and it was a good thing because I felt a headache coming on. I had hoped to spend the day cleaning but that didn’t happen.
I did call a hypnotist today about quitting smoking. I’ve tried the patches and while they help some they don’t take away the mental desire to smoke. I’m pulling out all the stops here! I want to quit smoking! They taste nasty and they are so bad for me! The other thing I did was called Dawn (we got the puppies from her) to get the information about getting the dogs registered. She has so much going on in her life right now that she really needs all of our prayers. I did finally get up and cleaned on the kitchen some and it felt good to have it half way done. I need to have the house totally cleaned by Saturday because Brenna is coming out with Gil to get the dresser and to go out to eat with us. Lots to do and so little time. Thursday I have a coffee date with Tara and I’m so excited. I miss her so much when I don’t get to see her and we both enjoy our coffee dates so much.
Other than that it’s back to work again tomorrow. My mom was going to take me to lunch tomorrow but with me only getting 30 minutes for lunch there just isn’t enough time for a sit down meal. I’m lucky to be able to get down what I take each day in enough time to be back. She asked if I could get 45 minutes off for a break but I told her there was no way considering we are on a schedule on when each person gets to go on break. I’m kind of glad I’m not doing lunch with her tomorrow because I’m just not ready for another sit down talk. There’s not much you can squeeze into 30 minutes but I know she would try and that’s not what I want to do on my break. Danny went to work with Steve today and he enjoyed his time out of the house. Life is going ok. It could be better, but I will take what God gives to me. I pray for you all and I hope you know how much you all mean to me. God has really blessed me with all of you! Told you this one would be short but I have a bed calling my name! By the way really quick, I’ve had some bizarre dreams the past two nights. I’ll have to share them next time! So get ready sweet dreams here I come!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I did call a hypnotist today about quitting smoking. I’ve tried the patches and while they help some they don’t take away the mental desire to smoke. I’m pulling out all the stops here! I want to quit smoking! They taste nasty and they are so bad for me! The other thing I did was called Dawn (we got the puppies from her) to get the information about getting the dogs registered. She has so much going on in her life right now that she really needs all of our prayers. I did finally get up and cleaned on the kitchen some and it felt good to have it half way done. I need to have the house totally cleaned by Saturday because Brenna is coming out with Gil to get the dresser and to go out to eat with us. Lots to do and so little time. Thursday I have a coffee date with Tara and I’m so excited. I miss her so much when I don’t get to see her and we both enjoy our coffee dates so much.
Other than that it’s back to work again tomorrow. My mom was going to take me to lunch tomorrow but with me only getting 30 minutes for lunch there just isn’t enough time for a sit down meal. I’m lucky to be able to get down what I take each day in enough time to be back. She asked if I could get 45 minutes off for a break but I told her there was no way considering we are on a schedule on when each person gets to go on break. I’m kind of glad I’m not doing lunch with her tomorrow because I’m just not ready for another sit down talk. There’s not much you can squeeze into 30 minutes but I know she would try and that’s not what I want to do on my break. Danny went to work with Steve today and he enjoyed his time out of the house. Life is going ok. It could be better, but I will take what God gives to me. I pray for you all and I hope you know how much you all mean to me. God has really blessed me with all of you! Told you this one would be short but I have a bed calling my name! By the way really quick, I’ve had some bizarre dreams the past two nights. I’ll have to share them next time! So get ready sweet dreams here I come!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tears...
I have to worse knot in my back!!! It hurts so bad! Danny was so restless last night and kept me up all night long. I’m so tired right now and yawning like crazy. Yesterday was a busy day. Ciara had a little friend stay the night and they wanted to go out and do something. I took them to the Arts Festival and we got some delicious food! They weren’t that interested in looking at the art, but it was still a good time. After that they wanted to go to the zoo so we headed up there. Before we got there it started pouring so we got rained out on that idea. They thought about bowling and roller skating but neither one of them wanted to really do that. So while they thought about it I went tanning. They ended up deciding that they wanted to see a movie. Well the movie didn’t start for several hours so we went to the mall and just window shopped. We went to see “The Last Song” and it was a very good movie. It was very moving and sad, but good.
On Friday I worked then I went to my mom’s salon and she cut my hair again. She got it way too short and not the style I wanted, but Ciara made a good point that she’s still learning. Oh well, it’s just hair and it will grow out. She took us to dinner after that and I really didn’t want to go. She’s not comfortable having Danny around yet and I feel guilty when I go out without him. She has trust issues with him and from what she told me (if it’s true) I don’t blame her. I just don’t know anymore. There are things going on right now that I just can’t get in to that have hurt me and made me question so much. Once again I find myself questioning me, my actions, my words, my thoughts, and my life. I hate being in this place but I don’t know what to do to fix it. In truth while I question myself, I find myself questioning God. I know He knows what He’s doing, but I don’t know what to do with what He’s handing me. I look at what I have before me and I’m so confused. It reminds me of where I was a few years ago and I don’t want to go back to that place again. It brings me to tears.
Yes, tears are the words of the moment. All of them I cry on the inside because to me they show my weakness on the outside. I choke on them. I feel the knot in the back of my throat and I try to swallow it away but it won’t be moved. They are suffocating. What I do know is God holds my tears in His hands, even the ones I only cry on the inside. They don’t streak my face, only my heart. Thoughts race through my mind as I cry my silent tears. They make my stomach turn. I can’t wait for the day that God wipes all our tears away. That day when tears are a distant memory as I stand in the brilliance of my Almighty God. But for now my insides tremble and shake from my uncried tears. They are tears of sadness, the unknown, and what might really be. I don’t just cry for me, I cry for others too. But most of my unshed tears are for me. It’s not that I’m in a deep depression again, because I’m not. It’s just the situation I find myself in right now. I don’t want my uncried tears to bring me to bitterness. But my trust right now waivers. Not of God but of those around me and I think that’s the saddest thing of all. I think my tears tell a better story about me than my words. They stain my soul. So very many tears.
Don’t feel sorry for me, just pray for us. We need your prayers right now! Prayers for clarity, guidance, truth, trust, and a faith that God really knows what He’s doing. I pray for you also! I pray for God’s love to be evident in your daily lives. I pray you never have to cry your tears on the outside, but if you do that God cradles your broken heart in the palm of His hand. I pray for your happiness and joy. Life should be filled with the joy of the Lord. One day again that will be me and I pray it’s soon. I’m so glad that I have the power of prayer and that I believe in its power. I’m blessed to know that my Savior listens to my words and answers them before I can ever ask for them. I may cry tears but I take hope in Him. I make Him promises and I try to hear from heaven, I make Him too small. He is such a big God! But I wonder if I really understand His holiness. So many times I thought I had Him figured out, but He always proves to me that I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. So I won’t second guess Him, although that would be what I would tend to do at this moment in time. No, I will sit at His feet and wait for Him to move and move me. It’s all I can do.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
On Friday I worked then I went to my mom’s salon and she cut my hair again. She got it way too short and not the style I wanted, but Ciara made a good point that she’s still learning. Oh well, it’s just hair and it will grow out. She took us to dinner after that and I really didn’t want to go. She’s not comfortable having Danny around yet and I feel guilty when I go out without him. She has trust issues with him and from what she told me (if it’s true) I don’t blame her. I just don’t know anymore. There are things going on right now that I just can’t get in to that have hurt me and made me question so much. Once again I find myself questioning me, my actions, my words, my thoughts, and my life. I hate being in this place but I don’t know what to do to fix it. In truth while I question myself, I find myself questioning God. I know He knows what He’s doing, but I don’t know what to do with what He’s handing me. I look at what I have before me and I’m so confused. It reminds me of where I was a few years ago and I don’t want to go back to that place again. It brings me to tears.
Yes, tears are the words of the moment. All of them I cry on the inside because to me they show my weakness on the outside. I choke on them. I feel the knot in the back of my throat and I try to swallow it away but it won’t be moved. They are suffocating. What I do know is God holds my tears in His hands, even the ones I only cry on the inside. They don’t streak my face, only my heart. Thoughts race through my mind as I cry my silent tears. They make my stomach turn. I can’t wait for the day that God wipes all our tears away. That day when tears are a distant memory as I stand in the brilliance of my Almighty God. But for now my insides tremble and shake from my uncried tears. They are tears of sadness, the unknown, and what might really be. I don’t just cry for me, I cry for others too. But most of my unshed tears are for me. It’s not that I’m in a deep depression again, because I’m not. It’s just the situation I find myself in right now. I don’t want my uncried tears to bring me to bitterness. But my trust right now waivers. Not of God but of those around me and I think that’s the saddest thing of all. I think my tears tell a better story about me than my words. They stain my soul. So very many tears.
Don’t feel sorry for me, just pray for us. We need your prayers right now! Prayers for clarity, guidance, truth, trust, and a faith that God really knows what He’s doing. I pray for you also! I pray for God’s love to be evident in your daily lives. I pray you never have to cry your tears on the outside, but if you do that God cradles your broken heart in the palm of His hand. I pray for your happiness and joy. Life should be filled with the joy of the Lord. One day again that will be me and I pray it’s soon. I’m so glad that I have the power of prayer and that I believe in its power. I’m blessed to know that my Savior listens to my words and answers them before I can ever ask for them. I may cry tears but I take hope in Him. I make Him promises and I try to hear from heaven, I make Him too small. He is such a big God! But I wonder if I really understand His holiness. So many times I thought I had Him figured out, but He always proves to me that I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. So I won’t second guess Him, although that would be what I would tend to do at this moment in time. No, I will sit at His feet and wait for Him to move and move me. It’s all I can do.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Last Night's Dinner...
Before anyone could get back with me yesterday, Danny convinced me to go ahead and go to dinner without him. He said he didn’t mind and that maybe they could be more open without him there. I didn’t have any really feeling other than dread. I know these times are normally a “hash-session” if not a “dog Danny session”. I prayed the whole way in and just asked God to give me the words or to keep my mouth shut. It seemed like a simple prayer but a heart-felt one. I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t know what I was walking into, but I thought maybe this could be the beginning of a new relationship with them. But I didn’t want to go in with high expectations only to get them doused.
So I got there and the conversation started out nice but you could feel the strain of the upcoming (the impending) conversation that was about to ensue. Mom first let me know that she really wanted it to be just the two of us rather than my grandmother being there. I think that is a bunch of bull because grandma is always with mom. Really when could me and mom sit down without grandma (to give you a clue, it just won’t happen)!? Then grandma offered to go sit in the car (like mom would let that happen!) but mom said not to worry about it. If I sat here and blogged about the entire discussion I would be here for hours venting. There are other things that were discussed that are too personal for even a blog. But it’s easy to say that the entire conversation revolved around Danny. I don’t know how they knew some of the things they knew (and the fact they knew it made me mad!!!!!) but they brought up much of me and Danny’s personal life and I instantly felt sick. I could tell this is how the rest of the evening would go. The long and the short of it is; they don’t trust Danny, they don’t think he’s “kept” me in the fashion I deserve, they are concerned for my well-being with him, etc, etc. Some of the things they brought up were a punch in the stomach, some of the things I could see where they might be coming from. But for the majority of the meal (that I ended up eating two bites of!!! because I got so sick to my stomach from the things they were saying) I kept my mouth shut. When the Lord gave me a word, I said it. For most of the meal I was on the defensive which is nothing new with them. I would say I can’t believe it went the way that it did, but how naïve for me to think it would go any other way!!!
I texted them back this morning and gave them a little peace of mind (I would like to say piece, but I didn’t) on an area that they were concerned about Danny. They are saying that it will take time to trust him and that they are leaving it in God’s hands. I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to dwell on the past, but move on with the here and now. When you look back you miss the current moment and was that look back worth loosing that moment that you just missed. I don’t know what I’m going to do from here. Danny is a non-negotiable! Either they accept him or they reject me. I would like to continue to work on the relationship, but I’m not going to let it get in the way of my marriage. When I came home and told Danny everything that was said, he was crushed in many ways. He felt attacked (and I don’t blame him) and like they were trying to force a wedge between the two of us. I assured Danny that there was no way they could ever come between us!
One thing I haven’t mentioned is the help that I got from my mother-in-law, Lois (ma). She was a tremendous help to me yesterday and let me cry on her shoulder. She truly is a wonderful mother!! I am blessed to have her in my life! We have had a few rocky moments in our time together, but over the course of our relationship, she has been the mother I have longed to have. She loves me as a daughter and that means so much to me. I have been fully accepted into Danny’s family I just wish my family would accept him in as well.
Well I worked today and I’m off tomorrow. Danny and I need to run some errands tomorrow and then when we get done with the retirement stuff we are going to the art fair. It’s going to be raining tomorrow but it should still be a nice day with my hubby! This whole thing stressed me out, but I came home and laid in his arms and the problems of the world just melted away. Now that’s a way to end a day! I think I shall end this day in the same fashion I did yesterday and I think I will end every day for the rest of my life that way. Watch out world!!! No one comes between me and my man!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
So I got there and the conversation started out nice but you could feel the strain of the upcoming (the impending) conversation that was about to ensue. Mom first let me know that she really wanted it to be just the two of us rather than my grandmother being there. I think that is a bunch of bull because grandma is always with mom. Really when could me and mom sit down without grandma (to give you a clue, it just won’t happen)!? Then grandma offered to go sit in the car (like mom would let that happen!) but mom said not to worry about it. If I sat here and blogged about the entire discussion I would be here for hours venting. There are other things that were discussed that are too personal for even a blog. But it’s easy to say that the entire conversation revolved around Danny. I don’t know how they knew some of the things they knew (and the fact they knew it made me mad!!!!!) but they brought up much of me and Danny’s personal life and I instantly felt sick. I could tell this is how the rest of the evening would go. The long and the short of it is; they don’t trust Danny, they don’t think he’s “kept” me in the fashion I deserve, they are concerned for my well-being with him, etc, etc. Some of the things they brought up were a punch in the stomach, some of the things I could see where they might be coming from. But for the majority of the meal (that I ended up eating two bites of!!! because I got so sick to my stomach from the things they were saying) I kept my mouth shut. When the Lord gave me a word, I said it. For most of the meal I was on the defensive which is nothing new with them. I would say I can’t believe it went the way that it did, but how naïve for me to think it would go any other way!!!
I texted them back this morning and gave them a little peace of mind (I would like to say piece, but I didn’t) on an area that they were concerned about Danny. They are saying that it will take time to trust him and that they are leaving it in God’s hands. I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to dwell on the past, but move on with the here and now. When you look back you miss the current moment and was that look back worth loosing that moment that you just missed. I don’t know what I’m going to do from here. Danny is a non-negotiable! Either they accept him or they reject me. I would like to continue to work on the relationship, but I’m not going to let it get in the way of my marriage. When I came home and told Danny everything that was said, he was crushed in many ways. He felt attacked (and I don’t blame him) and like they were trying to force a wedge between the two of us. I assured Danny that there was no way they could ever come between us!
One thing I haven’t mentioned is the help that I got from my mother-in-law, Lois (ma). She was a tremendous help to me yesterday and let me cry on her shoulder. She truly is a wonderful mother!! I am blessed to have her in my life! We have had a few rocky moments in our time together, but over the course of our relationship, she has been the mother I have longed to have. She loves me as a daughter and that means so much to me. I have been fully accepted into Danny’s family I just wish my family would accept him in as well.
Well I worked today and I’m off tomorrow. Danny and I need to run some errands tomorrow and then when we get done with the retirement stuff we are going to the art fair. It’s going to be raining tomorrow but it should still be a nice day with my hubby! This whole thing stressed me out, but I came home and laid in his arms and the problems of the world just melted away. Now that’s a way to end a day! I think I shall end this day in the same fashion I did yesterday and I think I will end every day for the rest of my life that way. Watch out world!!! No one comes between me and my man!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Monday, April 19, 2010
I Just Don't Know...
Well I’m beginning to wonder if this reconciliation with my mother is short lived. It seems like our main problem through the years has been Danny. She has this problem with Danny and I don’t know what it is. I can’t understand it. We have been to counseling, hashed things out, but it’s never worked. I got a text from her this morning saying while she’s ready to repair the relationship with me, she’s unsure how to proceed with Danny. She says there’s been so many hurts, but Danny has never done anything with her. She has to understand that in order to have a relationship with me she has to accept Danny too. She wants to lay fault at Danny’s feet that is really my fault. I can’t seem to convince her that Danny has done no wrong. He’s a great guy!! She says she knows things that she’s not going to get into and to me what that reads is she’s not going to get into it nor is she going to give us a chance to defend ourselves. I’m so confused right now. She wants to have a sit down meeting with just the two of us, Danny is not to be there (I don’t want to say he’s not welcome, but I guess on her side he’s not), and go over past hurts. To me the past is the past! You can choose to forgive and move on or remember and grow bitter and let it eat you alive.
What I also don’t understand, is why is the relationship so hard!! A relationship between a mother and a daughter shouldn’t be this much work!!!! I long for a healthy relationship with her, but I’ve wondered for the longest time if that will ever be possible. She says she prays (and I believe her) and that she’s leaving her relationship with Danny in His hands, but she’s got to meet Danny half way! She says she’s willing to meet me half way but what about him?! He’s my world! I’m not whole without him!!! She can’t have just me because she wouldn’t be getting the better part of me. The best part of me lies in his heart!!! I know we get on here and declare our great love for one another quite often, but it’s just the truth. We’ve had many hard spots in our marriage, but God has seen us through it all. There is nothing of nothing that can separate us! I told my mom long ago to not make me choose because I had already made my choice when I married Danny. Please understand, I don’t mean for this to sound harsh (and much of this is just me venting) I just long to understand.
I don’t know what to do. That’s the biggest problem right now. It literally drove me to smoking today I was so stressed out! I felt like a failure, but at the same time I “needed” one so bad! I’m too early in the process to start beating myself up. Yes I failed today, but there is always tomorrow! (Have you noticed how many !!! I have in this thing lol) I know she’s waiting on an answer and I don’t know how to respond. I can only sing Danny’s praises so much, before it’s finally laid at her feet and up to her to make a decision. I will continue to sing Danny’s praises because I just can’t help myself. He’s my best friend, my husband, and yes my soul mate!!! He means more to me than words can say. I won’t leave him behind to have a relationship with her. I don’t want to go down the “hash road” again because it only brings trouble. This is my only night to meet with her and I’m wondering if I should go in and just get it over and done with. I just don’t know….I just don’t know….
Melissa Fitzwilliam
What I also don’t understand, is why is the relationship so hard!! A relationship between a mother and a daughter shouldn’t be this much work!!!! I long for a healthy relationship with her, but I’ve wondered for the longest time if that will ever be possible. She says she prays (and I believe her) and that she’s leaving her relationship with Danny in His hands, but she’s got to meet Danny half way! She says she’s willing to meet me half way but what about him?! He’s my world! I’m not whole without him!!! She can’t have just me because she wouldn’t be getting the better part of me. The best part of me lies in his heart!!! I know we get on here and declare our great love for one another quite often, but it’s just the truth. We’ve had many hard spots in our marriage, but God has seen us through it all. There is nothing of nothing that can separate us! I told my mom long ago to not make me choose because I had already made my choice when I married Danny. Please understand, I don’t mean for this to sound harsh (and much of this is just me venting) I just long to understand.
I don’t know what to do. That’s the biggest problem right now. It literally drove me to smoking today I was so stressed out! I felt like a failure, but at the same time I “needed” one so bad! I’m too early in the process to start beating myself up. Yes I failed today, but there is always tomorrow! (Have you noticed how many !!! I have in this thing lol) I know she’s waiting on an answer and I don’t know how to respond. I can only sing Danny’s praises so much, before it’s finally laid at her feet and up to her to make a decision. I will continue to sing Danny’s praises because I just can’t help myself. He’s my best friend, my husband, and yes my soul mate!!! He means more to me than words can say. I won’t leave him behind to have a relationship with her. I don’t want to go down the “hash road” again because it only brings trouble. This is my only night to meet with her and I’m wondering if I should go in and just get it over and done with. I just don’t know….I just don’t know….
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sunday, April 18, 2010
God is Moving in a Mighty Way!!! Praise Him on High!!!
Again it’s been so long since I’ve been on here that I have a hard time remembering everything that’s happened since I was on here last. There is one major thing that’s happened and I will get to that in a minute but what I can tell you is God is moving in a mighty way! I love to see Him at work in a tangible way!!! He never ceases to amaze me and what I’m finding out is sometimes He makes you wait on prayer request but when He finally answers them He so far surpasses your expectations that it’s awe-inspiring! Even as I sit here I see Him moving in ways I couldn’t imagine. He’s keeping it coming and it washes over me like a warm ocean tide. It’s refreshing and exhilarating at the same time! I am humbled by His goodness and amazed at His never-ending love!
First for what I consider to be the biggest news since I was on here last…Danny retired!!!! He got the call last week to return to work on his regular shift and he was a nervous wreck about it. I really felt God laying on my heart the need to show Danny total commitment and support in his decisions and actions in this situation. I think I felt it stronger than I’ve ever felt it before. It was a burden God placed on my heart so strongly that I actually felt weighted down by it until I expressed myself to Danny in my desire to stand by him in whatever decisions he made. You could visually see the relief in his countenance when I told him he had my support in whatever he decided to do. He told me he would go back the first night to see how they treated him and if it went badly he would turn in his retirement papers first thing Thursday morning. Well as the day wore on Wednesday he continued to feel heavier and more sick the closer the time came to him having to go in. He couldn’t sleep (and he needed to considering he works the midnight shift), he was sick to his stomach, he had a headache, and felt so stressed that it was weighing him down. He called me at lunchtime and asked how I would feel if he retired. I reaffirmed that I would stand beside him and support him in whatever decision he made. I told him how important it was to follow God’s leading and listen to His calling. I can’t tell Danny what God is telling him to do (although I felt God laying on my heart the need for Danny to retire) because on Danny knows what He’s telling him to do. So Danny called in and told the captain that he was taking one of his floating holidays for that evening but as of Thursday he would retire. The captain tried to change Danny’s mind but once he had his mind made up there was no dissuading him. I was so proud of him!!! I told him that he had been through so much on the police department and for him to last as long as he did was an amazing thing. He had on 23 ½ years (closer to 24) and is retired with honors! He has to get a job for us to be able to make it, although he doesn’t know what God is calling him to do yet. So he’s going to take a month off, pray about what God would have him do and then do it!!! It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions but I’m excited about starting this new chapter in our lives!
Now obviously y’all can see God moving in the above situation, but it doesn’t end there!!! God has been dancing through our lives with such amazing grace and it’s so exhilarating because He leaves us breathless and giddy through His continued turns and twist. It’s not that God is good right now because He’s moving with such obvious purpose right now; He’s good all the time!!! He has brought me through a horrible depression and held me when I felt so alone. He’s been there with us and providing for us when we didn’t know how we were going to make it financially (as He’s doing at the current moment). I feel like I have been so faithless in so many situations and God just proves me wrong every time my faith is so weak. We serve such a mighty God!! He captured my heart and holds it with such care. There is nowhere I would rather me than in His arms. I pray I can be this trusting when (because I am bound to) things are going so great. But now onto the next chapter of His amazing movement in our lives.
For the longest time now my mother (and grandmother because they live together) and I have had the most horrible relationship. She has hated Danny since we got together (10 ½ years ago) and while she would treat him civilly in front of Ciara but that was the best we could hope for. Her distain for us both was so obvious. She was totally disgusted with the both of us and she had no qualms of showing it. It would take me days to write the extent of the whole story so I’ll bear you the long drawn out story. Please understand I am not blameless in this story and I wouldn’t want to portray myself that way. However, for years now both Danny and I told her we would be here waiting with open arms when she decided to forgive us our wrongs and stop being so mad at us. Until she could accept Danny she would reject me and our family as well and we told her that. I limited how much she could see Ciara (and she saw her once a month at school, sounds harsh I know but I haven’t gotten into the worse of the situation to explain my stance on that) and she hated me all the more. So imagine my surprise when I start hearing from her out of the blue. Now for years Danny and I have been praying for reconciliation in the relationship and I figured unless God’s divine hand was in the situation nothing would change. I decided to call her one day and see about Ciara and I getting a pedicure from her and it’s like the door was thrown open. She started inviting us to dinner. She offered to cut our hair for free. She calls just to call and chat. I can’t begin to explain how bizarre this feels! It’s so surreal! I think there are few relationships that are as important as the mother/daughter relationship and I’ve been missing ours for so long now. I felt like an orphan in this world. I don’t know who my father is (my mom swears she knows but the man in question swears he’s not and there’s no way he could be so I’ve decided there’s no point in getting in a nasty situation that’s better left alone!!!) and my mom has totally rejected me. It was then I drew close to God as my Father because He was all I had as a parent and I have to say He is all I need. But in any case I am loving this turn of events! It’s blessing my heart to such an extent it leaves me speechless! I’ve often thought my mom has BPD (borderline personality disorder and I think it’s still a possibility) and if she does then she is just going through another phase of this disorder. I’m not going to have any great expectations but enjoy what God is giving to me. I pray that if she does have BPD that God heals her from it completely. Ciara asked me what had changed and I told her outside us praying constantly for a change I wasn’t sure. So Ciara asked my mom what had changed and mom said she just got tired of being mad. Praise God on high!!!!! Bitterness is a sick cancer of the soul that steals joy and robs the person of all they could have in this life. I have long known that my mom was filled with bitterness for different reasons and I had promised myself I would never be that way. So far God has heard my prayer and kept me from a life of bitterness. For a while I let it creep in but counseling quickly pointed it out and I began cleansing my life of it. I could go on forever so I better stop while I’m ahead (even though this has been so incredibly long!). But I’ll keep everyone updated on how God continues to work in this relationship.
Work has been going well. Not much change in that. Ciara did get a new bunny (mom bought her one). She named him Starbucks and he’s a dutch and not a lop eared. I guess the only different is we won’t have pure bred bunnies but I don’t see where it will matter much. She misses Zookie like crazy (he was such a good bunny) and is hating Rucka but I think in time she will come to understand that dogs hunt rabbits and Rucka was only doing what came naturally to her. She can’t be blamed for doing what she is! Brenna just had her 25th birthday yesterday and Shannon has been to Texas for band contest, is going to JazzFest in Louisiana, and prom here pretty quick. She’s been a very busy girl! School will be out in a month and so summer will begin. God will continue to move us and we will allow ourselves to be moved by Him. I can’t wait to see what He has planned for us next. I am looking forward to seeing what He does with Danny in this retirement situation. Soon we will have a retirement party for him down at Ma’s house and then we’re having a wine tasting party for Brenna for her 25th birthday. Lots of things going on!!! The other big thing is I got my patches in to quit smoking. I’m on my first day of not smoking and to be honest I already miss it. I hope God takes away the desire to smoke completely! I’m not craving the nicotine because I have a patch on, but it’s the act of smoking that I miss. I think I have really decided to go get hypnotized when we get our tax money in. I’ve heard that getting over the nicotine cravings is easy, it’s getting over the mental desire for one that’s so amazingly hard and I would agree with that. However, I’m trying to rely on God and I know this is what He would have me to do. I guess I better get off here now. This has been so long!! Sorry for the length, but I wanted to get everyone caught up on the latest. Please be in prayer with me as I continue to try to quit smoking and please pray that God would be obvious in showing Danny what job He wants him to have. Also please pray for the relationship with my mom. We covet your prayers!!! Take care and God bless you all.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
First for what I consider to be the biggest news since I was on here last…Danny retired!!!! He got the call last week to return to work on his regular shift and he was a nervous wreck about it. I really felt God laying on my heart the need to show Danny total commitment and support in his decisions and actions in this situation. I think I felt it stronger than I’ve ever felt it before. It was a burden God placed on my heart so strongly that I actually felt weighted down by it until I expressed myself to Danny in my desire to stand by him in whatever decisions he made. You could visually see the relief in his countenance when I told him he had my support in whatever he decided to do. He told me he would go back the first night to see how they treated him and if it went badly he would turn in his retirement papers first thing Thursday morning. Well as the day wore on Wednesday he continued to feel heavier and more sick the closer the time came to him having to go in. He couldn’t sleep (and he needed to considering he works the midnight shift), he was sick to his stomach, he had a headache, and felt so stressed that it was weighing him down. He called me at lunchtime and asked how I would feel if he retired. I reaffirmed that I would stand beside him and support him in whatever decision he made. I told him how important it was to follow God’s leading and listen to His calling. I can’t tell Danny what God is telling him to do (although I felt God laying on my heart the need for Danny to retire) because on Danny knows what He’s telling him to do. So Danny called in and told the captain that he was taking one of his floating holidays for that evening but as of Thursday he would retire. The captain tried to change Danny’s mind but once he had his mind made up there was no dissuading him. I was so proud of him!!! I told him that he had been through so much on the police department and for him to last as long as he did was an amazing thing. He had on 23 ½ years (closer to 24) and is retired with honors! He has to get a job for us to be able to make it, although he doesn’t know what God is calling him to do yet. So he’s going to take a month off, pray about what God would have him do and then do it!!! It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions but I’m excited about starting this new chapter in our lives!
Now obviously y’all can see God moving in the above situation, but it doesn’t end there!!! God has been dancing through our lives with such amazing grace and it’s so exhilarating because He leaves us breathless and giddy through His continued turns and twist. It’s not that God is good right now because He’s moving with such obvious purpose right now; He’s good all the time!!! He has brought me through a horrible depression and held me when I felt so alone. He’s been there with us and providing for us when we didn’t know how we were going to make it financially (as He’s doing at the current moment). I feel like I have been so faithless in so many situations and God just proves me wrong every time my faith is so weak. We serve such a mighty God!! He captured my heart and holds it with such care. There is nowhere I would rather me than in His arms. I pray I can be this trusting when (because I am bound to) things are going so great. But now onto the next chapter of His amazing movement in our lives.
For the longest time now my mother (and grandmother because they live together) and I have had the most horrible relationship. She has hated Danny since we got together (10 ½ years ago) and while she would treat him civilly in front of Ciara but that was the best we could hope for. Her distain for us both was so obvious. She was totally disgusted with the both of us and she had no qualms of showing it. It would take me days to write the extent of the whole story so I’ll bear you the long drawn out story. Please understand I am not blameless in this story and I wouldn’t want to portray myself that way. However, for years now both Danny and I told her we would be here waiting with open arms when she decided to forgive us our wrongs and stop being so mad at us. Until she could accept Danny she would reject me and our family as well and we told her that. I limited how much she could see Ciara (and she saw her once a month at school, sounds harsh I know but I haven’t gotten into the worse of the situation to explain my stance on that) and she hated me all the more. So imagine my surprise when I start hearing from her out of the blue. Now for years Danny and I have been praying for reconciliation in the relationship and I figured unless God’s divine hand was in the situation nothing would change. I decided to call her one day and see about Ciara and I getting a pedicure from her and it’s like the door was thrown open. She started inviting us to dinner. She offered to cut our hair for free. She calls just to call and chat. I can’t begin to explain how bizarre this feels! It’s so surreal! I think there are few relationships that are as important as the mother/daughter relationship and I’ve been missing ours for so long now. I felt like an orphan in this world. I don’t know who my father is (my mom swears she knows but the man in question swears he’s not and there’s no way he could be so I’ve decided there’s no point in getting in a nasty situation that’s better left alone!!!) and my mom has totally rejected me. It was then I drew close to God as my Father because He was all I had as a parent and I have to say He is all I need. But in any case I am loving this turn of events! It’s blessing my heart to such an extent it leaves me speechless! I’ve often thought my mom has BPD (borderline personality disorder and I think it’s still a possibility) and if she does then she is just going through another phase of this disorder. I’m not going to have any great expectations but enjoy what God is giving to me. I pray that if she does have BPD that God heals her from it completely. Ciara asked me what had changed and I told her outside us praying constantly for a change I wasn’t sure. So Ciara asked my mom what had changed and mom said she just got tired of being mad. Praise God on high!!!!! Bitterness is a sick cancer of the soul that steals joy and robs the person of all they could have in this life. I have long known that my mom was filled with bitterness for different reasons and I had promised myself I would never be that way. So far God has heard my prayer and kept me from a life of bitterness. For a while I let it creep in but counseling quickly pointed it out and I began cleansing my life of it. I could go on forever so I better stop while I’m ahead (even though this has been so incredibly long!). But I’ll keep everyone updated on how God continues to work in this relationship.
Work has been going well. Not much change in that. Ciara did get a new bunny (mom bought her one). She named him Starbucks and he’s a dutch and not a lop eared. I guess the only different is we won’t have pure bred bunnies but I don’t see where it will matter much. She misses Zookie like crazy (he was such a good bunny) and is hating Rucka but I think in time she will come to understand that dogs hunt rabbits and Rucka was only doing what came naturally to her. She can’t be blamed for doing what she is! Brenna just had her 25th birthday yesterday and Shannon has been to Texas for band contest, is going to JazzFest in Louisiana, and prom here pretty quick. She’s been a very busy girl! School will be out in a month and so summer will begin. God will continue to move us and we will allow ourselves to be moved by Him. I can’t wait to see what He has planned for us next. I am looking forward to seeing what He does with Danny in this retirement situation. Soon we will have a retirement party for him down at Ma’s house and then we’re having a wine tasting party for Brenna for her 25th birthday. Lots of things going on!!! The other big thing is I got my patches in to quit smoking. I’m on my first day of not smoking and to be honest I already miss it. I hope God takes away the desire to smoke completely! I’m not craving the nicotine because I have a patch on, but it’s the act of smoking that I miss. I think I have really decided to go get hypnotized when we get our tax money in. I’ve heard that getting over the nicotine cravings is easy, it’s getting over the mental desire for one that’s so amazingly hard and I would agree with that. However, I’m trying to rely on God and I know this is what He would have me to do. I guess I better get off here now. This has been so long!! Sorry for the length, but I wanted to get everyone caught up on the latest. Please be in prayer with me as I continue to try to quit smoking and please pray that God would be obvious in showing Danny what job He wants him to have. Also please pray for the relationship with my mom. We covet your prayers!!! Take care and God bless you all.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Rest In Peace Zukkie....
Wow I get on here to blog and I have a hard time remembering everything that’s happened because it’s been so long since I’ve been on here! I was looking at the blogspot and it looks like I’m able to blog about once a week, which isn’t near enough! I’m still use to getting on here and blogging everyday which is what I like best, but it just isn’t possible anymore. As a matter of fact, I’m rarely on the computer anymore at all. I miss getting on facebook and myspace and talking with all my friends and family. Now don’t get me wrong I still love my job, but there are certain things that I miss about staying at home. Now the nice thing has been is when I went to work, Danny started staying at home and I’ve determined that he made a much better stay at home husband and dad than I made as a stay at home wife and mom. He cleans, he cooks, he gets outside chores done, he just stays so busy. But more about that in a minute.
I started out Monday with the day off. I decided that would be my errand day. So first thing I went to Panera Bread and spent the morning with my favorite guys there, Mac, Gary, and David. Mac is my all time favorite! He’s in his seventy’s and just as sweet as he can be! We always enjoy getting caught up on life events and just shooting the breeze. While I was there I saw a friend of Danny’s whom he had lost contact with. I was thinking, “I knew God wanted me here for a reason this morning”! So I called him over and come to find out David (different David than the one I drink coffee with) and Mac are friends! It’s such a small world! So I told David Danny had been wanting to get a hold of him but that all his phone numbers had changed. So I was able to get all of his phone numbers and passed them on to Danny. After that I headed to Anita’s and we had a great talk. There’s always so much to catch up on! Especially going three weeks without seeing her. But since so much has changed with Danny’s job (get to that in a sec) and considering it’s affected my depression she decided she wanted to see me back in two weeks rather than three weeks. I was actually hoping to go to once every four weeks, but I know I’ll get there soon. When I was done there I ran to the tanning bed. I love going there. Yes, I know it’s bad for you but I still love it. Also when that was finished I decided to run to Hibbon’s Tires. Our car has been shaking really bad since we got the new tires on it about two months ago and they were suppose to balance them and fix the front end alignment. Hibbon’s has this neat thing that if a woman brings it in they don’t charge her a thing! So I told them the problem and they said not only would that rebalance the tires but they would also rotate them for free!!! But the bad news was is it was going to take an hour and a half. So I walked down to our local Sonic (eating joint) and ordered me some breakfast. I sat outside (they don’t have inside dining) in the horrible, chilly wind, but it was nice to smell the fresh air. Then it was off to home. I didn’t want to spend the evening at the house so Danny took me out to eat Pho . It was a nice evening out! I love our date nights.
Danny finally heard back from his job the other day and they want him to come back. He’s been off now for a month and a half and while I still can’t go into the details because there may be a lawsuit in the future. He really is torn because he’s at the point now (after the way they’ve done him) that he doesn’t want to go back. He is really considering retiring. So yesterday we sat down and figured out the bills (because we would be able to pay a ton off once he retires) and we able to see that while he could retire and we would be in an ok place, he would still have to get another job. He doesn’t know what he would do but he has been working on his resume. He’s actually really tore up about this because he has no clue what the Lord wants him to do. He knows what he wants to do, which is retire, but he really wants to do what the Lord is calling him to do. I told him if the Lord isn’t pointing him in a certain direction then sit still and know He is God and within time God will show him exactly what to do. God answers us in three days, yes, no and wait. I told Danny whatever he decides I will stand behind him 100%! I think he needs that affirmation that I support him in what he decides to do. I will miss him being a stay at home husband and dad because he’s done such a great job at it. He was trying not to be bored but in the process he got so much accomplished! He said he would like to stay on as what he’s doing now (staying at home) and we both laughed. One thing we both learned is he’s great at it!
Work has been going well as usual and I find myself so happy there! Even on the days when there is nothing to do there is still this sense of contentment. The only thing I wish is that they would work me more hours. Last week they worked me three days and they are doing the same this week. I really need to be working five days a week and on the weekends I don’t have Ciara I need to work the weekend through. I don’t know how to approach Natalie about this, but the one thing I’m learning is I have to stop spending money up there!!! I think my whole paycheck is going to buy clothes. I didn’t have enough to begin with to work in since it’s so laid back there, but with clothes in layaway and the ones I have bought I will have plenty now. I have found it’s hard to have self-control when I see all the other girls buying clothes and to be honest the clothes they have up there are so cute. The other thing is when I buy clothes I know they will fit both Ciara and I so they are doing double duty. She’s already been in my closet trying to steal my clothes, so I know if I can’t find something I need to go in her room and check to see if it’s in there.
On a positive note things seem to be improving with my mom and me. Since I went to her surprise birthday party she seems to have changed some. Now the party was a little awkward because of the people who were there but I have to say mom really did try to be nice. Grandma still seems distant at best but I keep praying things will get better. Ciara is really encouraged by the improvement but I don’t want her to get her hopes up too much. I called her on Thursday to see if she wanted to give Ciara and I a pedicure since she is opening her own beauty salon and she is licensed to do those. To my surprise she said sure so we headed over there. Afterwards, she took us out for dinner and while we are far from where we should be we are still so much better than what we were. I’m going over to her shop again on Thursday and I’m going to let her cut my hair and to be honest about it I’m a little nervous. She is still new at this and I don’t want her to mess it up, but it’s a free hair cut and a chance to spend some time with her. I’m praying it all goes well.
In some sad news, yesterday Ciara went out to feed the bunnies. While she was in there Shannon’s dog, Rukka, stuck her head in the door and grabbed Ciara’s buck, Zukkie. Rukka ran off with Zukkie and Ciara was screaming and crying and chased after her. She was able to get Zukkie back and I had gone running after Ciara as soon as I heard her scream. Zukkie seemed ok and wasn’t punctured anywhere but he was breathing so hard and fast I was a little concerned about him. Well Ciara took him back to the bunny hutch and tried to put him down and he rolled over to his back. He tried to get up and his back legs wouldn’t work. I had checked his spine when I was looking at him and it seemed fine and intact. So Ciara decided to bring him into the house to keep an eye on him until he started feeling better. Well before she was able to make it to the stairs to come inside, he went completely still. She started bawling and I could hear her from the deck on the other side of the house but I had no clue what was going on. So I took off running again and I rounded the corner and she had tears just streaming down her face. She says she thinks Zukkie is dead. I go over there and can’t find a heartbeat and he isn’t breathing. I try to take him from Ciara but she won’t have it. So I tried doing chest compressions while she was holding him but I didn’t have any luck. She was so devastated!!! It was her most favorite rabbit! And he was a pretty cool little lop ear bunny. He was so pretty and pretty sweet as far as rabbits come. She talked with my mom and my mom told her she would buy her another baby lop ear rabbit. She is so mad at Rukka it isn’t even funny!!! Danny tried to explain that dogs just do that, that it’s in there instinct, but Ciara wouldn’t hear it. In her mind the dogs should understand that the rabbits are pets and leave them alone. Anyway, her heart will heal with time just keep her in your prayers.
As for me I’ve had a headache all weekend and my should has gone from bearable to excruciating! It hurts so bad that it makes me want to cry! I’m going to have to go to the doctor one day this week so he can figure out why it’s getting worse rather than better. I’ve also taken three, no four, doses of headache medicine and it still isn’t gone. It needs to be gone by tomorrow because I have to go into work! Also I’m enjoying the warming sun of spring and can’t wait for hot summer to get here. Yesterday and today Ciara and I went and laid out and I got some pretty good sun! However, the sun didn’t help my headache at all. So I came in a took a nice long nap. I’m thinking I’ll go to bed pretty early tonight and try and kick this thing for good. Sorry this is so long! That’s why I like to blog everyday and not just once a week because the blogs get so long and as it is I’ve left so much out! However, I’m wrapping it up now! I pray that all you who read this have a blessed week and know I keep you in my prayers! Much love!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I started out Monday with the day off. I decided that would be my errand day. So first thing I went to Panera Bread and spent the morning with my favorite guys there, Mac, Gary, and David. Mac is my all time favorite! He’s in his seventy’s and just as sweet as he can be! We always enjoy getting caught up on life events and just shooting the breeze. While I was there I saw a friend of Danny’s whom he had lost contact with. I was thinking, “I knew God wanted me here for a reason this morning”! So I called him over and come to find out David (different David than the one I drink coffee with) and Mac are friends! It’s such a small world! So I told David Danny had been wanting to get a hold of him but that all his phone numbers had changed. So I was able to get all of his phone numbers and passed them on to Danny. After that I headed to Anita’s and we had a great talk. There’s always so much to catch up on! Especially going three weeks without seeing her. But since so much has changed with Danny’s job (get to that in a sec) and considering it’s affected my depression she decided she wanted to see me back in two weeks rather than three weeks. I was actually hoping to go to once every four weeks, but I know I’ll get there soon. When I was done there I ran to the tanning bed. I love going there. Yes, I know it’s bad for you but I still love it. Also when that was finished I decided to run to Hibbon’s Tires. Our car has been shaking really bad since we got the new tires on it about two months ago and they were suppose to balance them and fix the front end alignment. Hibbon’s has this neat thing that if a woman brings it in they don’t charge her a thing! So I told them the problem and they said not only would that rebalance the tires but they would also rotate them for free!!! But the bad news was is it was going to take an hour and a half. So I walked down to our local Sonic (eating joint) and ordered me some breakfast. I sat outside (they don’t have inside dining) in the horrible, chilly wind, but it was nice to smell the fresh air. Then it was off to home. I didn’t want to spend the evening at the house so Danny took me out to eat Pho . It was a nice evening out! I love our date nights.
Danny finally heard back from his job the other day and they want him to come back. He’s been off now for a month and a half and while I still can’t go into the details because there may be a lawsuit in the future. He really is torn because he’s at the point now (after the way they’ve done him) that he doesn’t want to go back. He is really considering retiring. So yesterday we sat down and figured out the bills (because we would be able to pay a ton off once he retires) and we able to see that while he could retire and we would be in an ok place, he would still have to get another job. He doesn’t know what he would do but he has been working on his resume. He’s actually really tore up about this because he has no clue what the Lord wants him to do. He knows what he wants to do, which is retire, but he really wants to do what the Lord is calling him to do. I told him if the Lord isn’t pointing him in a certain direction then sit still and know He is God and within time God will show him exactly what to do. God answers us in three days, yes, no and wait. I told Danny whatever he decides I will stand behind him 100%! I think he needs that affirmation that I support him in what he decides to do. I will miss him being a stay at home husband and dad because he’s done such a great job at it. He was trying not to be bored but in the process he got so much accomplished! He said he would like to stay on as what he’s doing now (staying at home) and we both laughed. One thing we both learned is he’s great at it!
Work has been going well as usual and I find myself so happy there! Even on the days when there is nothing to do there is still this sense of contentment. The only thing I wish is that they would work me more hours. Last week they worked me three days and they are doing the same this week. I really need to be working five days a week and on the weekends I don’t have Ciara I need to work the weekend through. I don’t know how to approach Natalie about this, but the one thing I’m learning is I have to stop spending money up there!!! I think my whole paycheck is going to buy clothes. I didn’t have enough to begin with to work in since it’s so laid back there, but with clothes in layaway and the ones I have bought I will have plenty now. I have found it’s hard to have self-control when I see all the other girls buying clothes and to be honest the clothes they have up there are so cute. The other thing is when I buy clothes I know they will fit both Ciara and I so they are doing double duty. She’s already been in my closet trying to steal my clothes, so I know if I can’t find something I need to go in her room and check to see if it’s in there.
On a positive note things seem to be improving with my mom and me. Since I went to her surprise birthday party she seems to have changed some. Now the party was a little awkward because of the people who were there but I have to say mom really did try to be nice. Grandma still seems distant at best but I keep praying things will get better. Ciara is really encouraged by the improvement but I don’t want her to get her hopes up too much. I called her on Thursday to see if she wanted to give Ciara and I a pedicure since she is opening her own beauty salon and she is licensed to do those. To my surprise she said sure so we headed over there. Afterwards, she took us out for dinner and while we are far from where we should be we are still so much better than what we were. I’m going over to her shop again on Thursday and I’m going to let her cut my hair and to be honest about it I’m a little nervous. She is still new at this and I don’t want her to mess it up, but it’s a free hair cut and a chance to spend some time with her. I’m praying it all goes well.
In some sad news, yesterday Ciara went out to feed the bunnies. While she was in there Shannon’s dog, Rukka, stuck her head in the door and grabbed Ciara’s buck, Zukkie. Rukka ran off with Zukkie and Ciara was screaming and crying and chased after her. She was able to get Zukkie back and I had gone running after Ciara as soon as I heard her scream. Zukkie seemed ok and wasn’t punctured anywhere but he was breathing so hard and fast I was a little concerned about him. Well Ciara took him back to the bunny hutch and tried to put him down and he rolled over to his back. He tried to get up and his back legs wouldn’t work. I had checked his spine when I was looking at him and it seemed fine and intact. So Ciara decided to bring him into the house to keep an eye on him until he started feeling better. Well before she was able to make it to the stairs to come inside, he went completely still. She started bawling and I could hear her from the deck on the other side of the house but I had no clue what was going on. So I took off running again and I rounded the corner and she had tears just streaming down her face. She says she thinks Zukkie is dead. I go over there and can’t find a heartbeat and he isn’t breathing. I try to take him from Ciara but she won’t have it. So I tried doing chest compressions while she was holding him but I didn’t have any luck. She was so devastated!!! It was her most favorite rabbit! And he was a pretty cool little lop ear bunny. He was so pretty and pretty sweet as far as rabbits come. She talked with my mom and my mom told her she would buy her another baby lop ear rabbit. She is so mad at Rukka it isn’t even funny!!! Danny tried to explain that dogs just do that, that it’s in there instinct, but Ciara wouldn’t hear it. In her mind the dogs should understand that the rabbits are pets and leave them alone. Anyway, her heart will heal with time just keep her in your prayers.
As for me I’ve had a headache all weekend and my should has gone from bearable to excruciating! It hurts so bad that it makes me want to cry! I’m going to have to go to the doctor one day this week so he can figure out why it’s getting worse rather than better. I’ve also taken three, no four, doses of headache medicine and it still isn’t gone. It needs to be gone by tomorrow because I have to go into work! Also I’m enjoying the warming sun of spring and can’t wait for hot summer to get here. Yesterday and today Ciara and I went and laid out and I got some pretty good sun! However, the sun didn’t help my headache at all. So I came in a took a nice long nap. I’m thinking I’ll go to bed pretty early tonight and try and kick this thing for good. Sorry this is so long! That’s why I like to blog everyday and not just once a week because the blogs get so long and as it is I’ve left so much out! However, I’m wrapping it up now! I pray that all you who read this have a blessed week and know I keep you in my prayers! Much love!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Monday, April 5, 2010
A Pretty Good Easter!
Well Easter was a pretty good day. I always look forward to this time of year. The main differences this year is we didn’t watch “The Passion” (which we normally do) and we didn’t have our Seder dinner. I really miss that part! The Seder dinner is always such a fun time for me; I really enjoy eating what our Savior ate at His last supper. We even do the Kosher wine, bitter herbs, haroset, and the matzos crackers. It’s a great observance that I think everyone should take part of. I find myself closer to my Savior as I partake in it and find myself in awe at the practices that they did. We even remove the yeast out of the house and have Ciara ask the questions that the child ask at the Passover dinner. The kids are not fond of the bitter herbs, but I tell them it is important to remember how bitter our sins are to our Lord. I find that I have missed so many communions that I really needed it this year, but didn’t get it. I think I’m going to have Danny lead our family in communion since we have all the elements. I think it would be really special.
Now one major drawback to Easter was my mother-in-law invited my ex-sister-in-law to dinner. My brother-in-law was not happy about it all. Especially considering his current wife was in El Reno with her family and my mother-in-law (Ma or Lois is how I refer to her) didn’t bother to tell him that she was coming. It was awkward at best! Finally Steve (my brother-in-law) went up to BJ (my ex-sister-in-law) and told her that her being there would end up causing him a divorce! She finally left and just in enough time for my sister-in-law, Tanya, to show up. Steve didn’t want Tanya to find out that BJ had been with us for dinner and went to him mother and told her that he didn’t appreciate her inviting BJ over without checking with him first. I can’t blame him. I think it was very underhanded for Ma to do that! She’s done that to Danny and I before by inviting Danny’s ex, Marcia, over without us knowing about it. She thinks we should all be fine with it, and maybe we would be if we had some advance notice, but she always does it without us knowing. Well Tanya found out that BJ had been there and she blew up at Steve. I can’t blame her for being mad! I would be mad if my mother-in-law invited over my husband’s ex and he spent the holiday with them and not with me. However, knowing what I know, I would be upset with her and not my husband. It’s a difficult situation and we are praying it all turns out well. I’m going over to talk to Tanya tonight and see if I can help her to understand the situation a little better and get her unmad at Steve.
Today I had the day off. I had an appointment with Anita this morning and it went very well. She confers that I am doing so much better than I was a year ago that it is a miracle. I owe it all to God, that He gave the doctors the knowledge on medication, and that He, Himself, has delivered me from so much. Before I went to Anita’s though, I went to Panera Bread. There are some older men there (like 70’s) and I met them back in 2003. Since then we have become great friends and when I get the chance I love going in and having coffee with them. We did some catching up and it was obvious the Lord wanted me there this morning because I saw one of Danny’s dear friends who he had lost contact with. So I was able to get his number for Danny and we caught up on the latest goings on. I left here and then headed to Anita’s. When I got through with Anita (which she had a lot to say on Danny’s current job situation) I headed to the tanning salon. I love tanning! I know it’s bad for you, but for me there is nothing better than soaking up some Vitamin D and letting your worries melt away under the glare of sun lamps. After that the car has been shaking bad lately so Danny wanted me to take the car in and check the balance on the tires. Where we go, if a woman comes in and ask for it, they don’t charge you! And since they were unbalanced they threw in a tire rotation for free! However the wait was for an hour and a half! So I walked down to Sonic and got me some breakfast and sat outside in the nice breeze and enjoyed the afternoon. Finally my car was done and it drives so much better now! Then it was off to the store to pick up a few necessities and then to the bank to deposit a check in our savings account. After that my errands were done and so I headed home.
Once I got home there was plenty to do! I made our bed, matched up socks, folded laundry, fixed the back bedroom for the girls, and washed some more clothes. I ate some matzos and smoked a few cigarettes and now I’m blogging. Danny and I have thrown around a few ideas for the evening tonight. We would like to go over to Gary and Jan’s house (Ciara’s godparents and my adopted parents lol) and play some cards. However, we haven’t heard back from them yet so we don’t know about that. We have also talked about going and getting some Pho (a Vietnamese soup) and coming back home and watching a movie. I’m not sure what we’ll end up doing but we will do something once Danny wakes up from his nap. So now I have to figure out something to do until then! This is when I wish I was at work…at least then I would have something to do other than being bored! Well I guess I better get off here, although there is nothing else to do, I’ve run out of things to share. Maybe I’ll try to do some writing today (poetry) since it’s such a peaceful day.
OH!!! I know what I forgot about!!! My mom had a surprise birthday party on Friday night. I thought my childhood abuser would be there but as it turned out it was a party for women only. I can’t tell you how relieved I was! I know the only reason I was invited was because I had Ciara. At times it was so awkward and strained, but I’ve become use to it. I really do feel like the preverbal “black sheep” around my family. It’s a shame that we don’t have a better relationship, but it’s in the hands of God. We stayed for a few hours and I got her a gift card to Sally’s Beauty Supply since she is opening up her own hair salon. I just found that out on Friday too. Come to find out also is that Ciara told my mom that I was smoking. She wasn’t happy to say the very least. She told me I needed to stop and what she doesn’t realize is it makes me want to smoke all the more! “You say I can’t, well just watch me!” Yes it’s that old rebellion creeping back in! I have to get over it so I can really stop smoking. I want to want to stop, but I’m just not there yet. I don’t want to be a smoker, but for whatever reason I’m not ready to give it up just yet. Please pray that God delivers me from this and works the rebellion out of my heart. I know in the end I’m only hurting Him and me! That should be enough to make me quit, but again I’m just not there. Almost, just not quite.
Ok, now I think I’ve gotten down everything that’s happened over the last few days. I’m off work again tomorrow and I think we are going to the Arbuckle’s to watch Ciara sing in a contest. It’s quite a drive and she’s only singing two songs, but it will be a nice trip away for Danny and me. Maybe I can talk him into stopping by Sulfur Springs and taking a scenic drive. It would be really nice! It’s my most favorite place in the world. I never feel closer to God than when I’m in Sulfur. It’s filled with His awesome beauty and it just takes my breath away! Yes it will be a nice little get away! Praying for you all (ya’ll lol) and I hope everyone is doing well. I pray you had a great Easter and felt the Lord’s presence and awesome power flowing through you. At the end of the day He is the only thing that matters! He’s arose, praise God on High! What a mighty God we serve!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Now one major drawback to Easter was my mother-in-law invited my ex-sister-in-law to dinner. My brother-in-law was not happy about it all. Especially considering his current wife was in El Reno with her family and my mother-in-law (Ma or Lois is how I refer to her) didn’t bother to tell him that she was coming. It was awkward at best! Finally Steve (my brother-in-law) went up to BJ (my ex-sister-in-law) and told her that her being there would end up causing him a divorce! She finally left and just in enough time for my sister-in-law, Tanya, to show up. Steve didn’t want Tanya to find out that BJ had been with us for dinner and went to him mother and told her that he didn’t appreciate her inviting BJ over without checking with him first. I can’t blame him. I think it was very underhanded for Ma to do that! She’s done that to Danny and I before by inviting Danny’s ex, Marcia, over without us knowing about it. She thinks we should all be fine with it, and maybe we would be if we had some advance notice, but she always does it without us knowing. Well Tanya found out that BJ had been there and she blew up at Steve. I can’t blame her for being mad! I would be mad if my mother-in-law invited over my husband’s ex and he spent the holiday with them and not with me. However, knowing what I know, I would be upset with her and not my husband. It’s a difficult situation and we are praying it all turns out well. I’m going over to talk to Tanya tonight and see if I can help her to understand the situation a little better and get her unmad at Steve.
Today I had the day off. I had an appointment with Anita this morning and it went very well. She confers that I am doing so much better than I was a year ago that it is a miracle. I owe it all to God, that He gave the doctors the knowledge on medication, and that He, Himself, has delivered me from so much. Before I went to Anita’s though, I went to Panera Bread. There are some older men there (like 70’s) and I met them back in 2003. Since then we have become great friends and when I get the chance I love going in and having coffee with them. We did some catching up and it was obvious the Lord wanted me there this morning because I saw one of Danny’s dear friends who he had lost contact with. So I was able to get his number for Danny and we caught up on the latest goings on. I left here and then headed to Anita’s. When I got through with Anita (which she had a lot to say on Danny’s current job situation) I headed to the tanning salon. I love tanning! I know it’s bad for you, but for me there is nothing better than soaking up some Vitamin D and letting your worries melt away under the glare of sun lamps. After that the car has been shaking bad lately so Danny wanted me to take the car in and check the balance on the tires. Where we go, if a woman comes in and ask for it, they don’t charge you! And since they were unbalanced they threw in a tire rotation for free! However the wait was for an hour and a half! So I walked down to Sonic and got me some breakfast and sat outside in the nice breeze and enjoyed the afternoon. Finally my car was done and it drives so much better now! Then it was off to the store to pick up a few necessities and then to the bank to deposit a check in our savings account. After that my errands were done and so I headed home.
Once I got home there was plenty to do! I made our bed, matched up socks, folded laundry, fixed the back bedroom for the girls, and washed some more clothes. I ate some matzos and smoked a few cigarettes and now I’m blogging. Danny and I have thrown around a few ideas for the evening tonight. We would like to go over to Gary and Jan’s house (Ciara’s godparents and my adopted parents lol) and play some cards. However, we haven’t heard back from them yet so we don’t know about that. We have also talked about going and getting some Pho (a Vietnamese soup) and coming back home and watching a movie. I’m not sure what we’ll end up doing but we will do something once Danny wakes up from his nap. So now I have to figure out something to do until then! This is when I wish I was at work…at least then I would have something to do other than being bored! Well I guess I better get off here, although there is nothing else to do, I’ve run out of things to share. Maybe I’ll try to do some writing today (poetry) since it’s such a peaceful day.
OH!!! I know what I forgot about!!! My mom had a surprise birthday party on Friday night. I thought my childhood abuser would be there but as it turned out it was a party for women only. I can’t tell you how relieved I was! I know the only reason I was invited was because I had Ciara. At times it was so awkward and strained, but I’ve become use to it. I really do feel like the preverbal “black sheep” around my family. It’s a shame that we don’t have a better relationship, but it’s in the hands of God. We stayed for a few hours and I got her a gift card to Sally’s Beauty Supply since she is opening up her own hair salon. I just found that out on Friday too. Come to find out also is that Ciara told my mom that I was smoking. She wasn’t happy to say the very least. She told me I needed to stop and what she doesn’t realize is it makes me want to smoke all the more! “You say I can’t, well just watch me!” Yes it’s that old rebellion creeping back in! I have to get over it so I can really stop smoking. I want to want to stop, but I’m just not there yet. I don’t want to be a smoker, but for whatever reason I’m not ready to give it up just yet. Please pray that God delivers me from this and works the rebellion out of my heart. I know in the end I’m only hurting Him and me! That should be enough to make me quit, but again I’m just not there. Almost, just not quite.
Ok, now I think I’ve gotten down everything that’s happened over the last few days. I’m off work again tomorrow and I think we are going to the Arbuckle’s to watch Ciara sing in a contest. It’s quite a drive and she’s only singing two songs, but it will be a nice trip away for Danny and me. Maybe I can talk him into stopping by Sulfur Springs and taking a scenic drive. It would be really nice! It’s my most favorite place in the world. I never feel closer to God than when I’m in Sulfur. It’s filled with His awesome beauty and it just takes my breath away! Yes it will be a nice little get away! Praying for you all (ya’ll lol) and I hope everyone is doing well. I pray you had a great Easter and felt the Lord’s presence and awesome power flowing through you. At the end of the day He is the only thing that matters! He’s arose, praise God on High! What a mighty God we serve!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A Quick Look At This Past Week...
It’s been such a full week of work. I’m not complaining at all, it keeps me busy and that is so much better than being bored! I had a day off yesterday and spent the day running around town. I had two doctors appointments and a vet appointment for Elowyn. I took a hard fall on Saturday and hurt my bad shoulder and the hip I’ve had two surgeries on. The bruising and swelling is so bad on my hip!! I was in the closet putting some clothes away and didn’t realize I was standing on a plastic bag. When I went to lean over to hang the clothes up the bag slipped with me on it and I landed on some crutches. It was so bad I almost started crying. So I had the doctor look at that and he says it will take a couple of weeks for the swelling to go down and for the bruising to go away, but it may take longer for the soreness to go away. I also went and saw Misty my psychiatrist. She had upped my Cymbalta a few weeks ago and I can’t tell you how much better I feel on it! It has made a huge difference in my depression! I’m actually up cleaning the house now (with tremendous help from my wonderful husband) and also cooking when he doesn’t cook.
One thing that has changed recently is Danny is doing so much more around the house!! He is even fixing dinner when I work so I don’t have to come home and cook after a long day at work. He has also been fixing all my lunches and writes me the sweetest notes to go in my lunch bag! I have to say I look forward to that more than anything else. He is such a godsend and I am so blessed to have him. He is still having issues with his job and nothing has been resolved yet. As a matter of fact we haven’t heard a thing from them as far as coming up with a resolution to fix the current issue. Danny is getting so frustrated just sitting around the house. I try to tell him how very much I appreciate him, but I don’t think I do a very good job at it. I feel like he needs more affirmation now that he’s staying at home just to let him know that what he does is important and so much appreciated. He is really considering just retiring and saying to heck with the whole thing. He’s been thinking about some jobs he could get or a business he could start with his payout on his retirement. I just keep telling him to pray about it and God will lead him to the right thing. God has never failed us before and He’s not about to start now.
I work tomorrow and there is also a surprise birthday party for my mom tomorrow night. I was actually invited to it but I think that was because they knew I would bring Ciara. I really don’t want to go but I don’t see how I can get out of it. My childhood abuser will be there and I always get sick to my stomach at the possibility of seeing him. I know he can’t hurt me now, but it just brings up horrific memories of the past. Someone suggested that I just let Ciara go to the party but there is no way I would let her go without me! I don’t want her alone with him, near him, or anything of the sort!!! I’m trying to stay as positive as I can about it, but I have to admit it’s hard. This is one of those things where I need God to show Himself strong and help me put to rest the demons of my past. I go to counseling for it, but I don’t know that you truly ever get really over it. It made me who I am today and while I don’t know why God allowed it, I stand strong in the fact that it did happen for a reason. The one thing is it has made me so proactive in teaching Ciara about how to not be abused. I have said it to all my girls! I want to be the example of what they don’t have to let their life be like. No one should be traumatized the way I was! I think that with much prayer all will go well tomorrow. It is my prayer that my mom have a great birthday especially since it is her 50th!
As I mentioned earlier, I took Elowyn to the vet yesterday to confirm her pregnancy and sure enough she is pregnant! We are looking for the puppies to be born somewhere between the end of May and the first of June. I have puppitis so bad right now it isn’t even funny. I got on the computer and looked up all kinds of Hebrews names so we can name the puppies when they are born. I know they won’t keep the names but it just makes me happy to do so. We are also talking about getting another puppy when we sale the rest of ours. We are going to get a miniature red dachshund and we are naming her Anayah which means the Lord has answered. And He has answered so many of our prayers! I am now feeding Elowyn two scrambled eggs a day (one in the morning and one at night). She has gained three pounds in her first month of pregnancy so we are thinking she’s going to have quite a few puppies. The vet couldn’t feel any of them yet, but she said it was a little too soon to be able to do so. They gave Elowyn a worm test which she passed, so no worms for us!!! They went ahead and gave her a wormer medicine just to be on the safe side. I can’t wait to start taking pictures of her as she starts to get bigger! I need to go get batteries for my camera so I can capture all these magical moments!
Other than that life has been pretty normal. My new schedule is getting up and taking Ciara to school, then coming home to get ready for work, heading off to work and working, then going to get Ciara after school, and then finally coming home. When I get home I normally start to try to do something on the house. Many days I come in and Danny’s been so hard at work that there’s not much for me to do! Don’t get me wrong, our house is in such a shape that there is still plenty to do but he is always encouraging me to go sit down and relax. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband! Oh, I forgot, I did go shopping today after work and picked me up the cutest Easter dress! I tried on eight different dresses and it turned out I bought the first one I tried on! I was tempted to buy some shoes too, but I figured I had plenty at home that I could wear! And besides the shoes they had there wasn’t anything I just couldn’t live without. Showing some restraint here and it’s a good thing! Also I have missed blogging so much! However, my family needs me after I get home from work and the only reason I’m on here now is because Danny is busy and Ciara is with my ex-husband tonight so it gives me some free time! I do go to see Anita on Monday and I am anxious to see how she thinks I’m progressing. I hope she gives me two thumbs up and moves me to coming just once a month. I think I have finally gotten there! It has been a long year, but I’m getting better all the time. God has healed me from the depression and introduced me to wonderful doctors who know of medicines that can keep me on an even plain. I guess that’s it. I can’t wait to celebrate the resurrection of our Savior this weekend! So Happy Easter to everyone and all I can say is He is Risen!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
One thing that has changed recently is Danny is doing so much more around the house!! He is even fixing dinner when I work so I don’t have to come home and cook after a long day at work. He has also been fixing all my lunches and writes me the sweetest notes to go in my lunch bag! I have to say I look forward to that more than anything else. He is such a godsend and I am so blessed to have him. He is still having issues with his job and nothing has been resolved yet. As a matter of fact we haven’t heard a thing from them as far as coming up with a resolution to fix the current issue. Danny is getting so frustrated just sitting around the house. I try to tell him how very much I appreciate him, but I don’t think I do a very good job at it. I feel like he needs more affirmation now that he’s staying at home just to let him know that what he does is important and so much appreciated. He is really considering just retiring and saying to heck with the whole thing. He’s been thinking about some jobs he could get or a business he could start with his payout on his retirement. I just keep telling him to pray about it and God will lead him to the right thing. God has never failed us before and He’s not about to start now.
I work tomorrow and there is also a surprise birthday party for my mom tomorrow night. I was actually invited to it but I think that was because they knew I would bring Ciara. I really don’t want to go but I don’t see how I can get out of it. My childhood abuser will be there and I always get sick to my stomach at the possibility of seeing him. I know he can’t hurt me now, but it just brings up horrific memories of the past. Someone suggested that I just let Ciara go to the party but there is no way I would let her go without me! I don’t want her alone with him, near him, or anything of the sort!!! I’m trying to stay as positive as I can about it, but I have to admit it’s hard. This is one of those things where I need God to show Himself strong and help me put to rest the demons of my past. I go to counseling for it, but I don’t know that you truly ever get really over it. It made me who I am today and while I don’t know why God allowed it, I stand strong in the fact that it did happen for a reason. The one thing is it has made me so proactive in teaching Ciara about how to not be abused. I have said it to all my girls! I want to be the example of what they don’t have to let their life be like. No one should be traumatized the way I was! I think that with much prayer all will go well tomorrow. It is my prayer that my mom have a great birthday especially since it is her 50th!
As I mentioned earlier, I took Elowyn to the vet yesterday to confirm her pregnancy and sure enough she is pregnant! We are looking for the puppies to be born somewhere between the end of May and the first of June. I have puppitis so bad right now it isn’t even funny. I got on the computer and looked up all kinds of Hebrews names so we can name the puppies when they are born. I know they won’t keep the names but it just makes me happy to do so. We are also talking about getting another puppy when we sale the rest of ours. We are going to get a miniature red dachshund and we are naming her Anayah which means the Lord has answered. And He has answered so many of our prayers! I am now feeding Elowyn two scrambled eggs a day (one in the morning and one at night). She has gained three pounds in her first month of pregnancy so we are thinking she’s going to have quite a few puppies. The vet couldn’t feel any of them yet, but she said it was a little too soon to be able to do so. They gave Elowyn a worm test which she passed, so no worms for us!!! They went ahead and gave her a wormer medicine just to be on the safe side. I can’t wait to start taking pictures of her as she starts to get bigger! I need to go get batteries for my camera so I can capture all these magical moments!
Other than that life has been pretty normal. My new schedule is getting up and taking Ciara to school, then coming home to get ready for work, heading off to work and working, then going to get Ciara after school, and then finally coming home. When I get home I normally start to try to do something on the house. Many days I come in and Danny’s been so hard at work that there’s not much for me to do! Don’t get me wrong, our house is in such a shape that there is still plenty to do but he is always encouraging me to go sit down and relax. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband! Oh, I forgot, I did go shopping today after work and picked me up the cutest Easter dress! I tried on eight different dresses and it turned out I bought the first one I tried on! I was tempted to buy some shoes too, but I figured I had plenty at home that I could wear! And besides the shoes they had there wasn’t anything I just couldn’t live without. Showing some restraint here and it’s a good thing! Also I have missed blogging so much! However, my family needs me after I get home from work and the only reason I’m on here now is because Danny is busy and Ciara is with my ex-husband tonight so it gives me some free time! I do go to see Anita on Monday and I am anxious to see how she thinks I’m progressing. I hope she gives me two thumbs up and moves me to coming just once a month. I think I have finally gotten there! It has been a long year, but I’m getting better all the time. God has healed me from the depression and introduced me to wonderful doctors who know of medicines that can keep me on an even plain. I guess that’s it. I can’t wait to celebrate the resurrection of our Savior this weekend! So Happy Easter to everyone and all I can say is He is Risen!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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