Tears...

I have to worse knot in my back!!! It hurts so bad! Danny was so restless last night and kept me up all night long. I’m so tired right now and yawning like crazy. Yesterday was a busy day. Ciara had a little friend stay the night and they wanted to go out and do something. I took them to the Arts Festival and we got some delicious food! They weren’t that interested in looking at the art, but it was still a good time. After that they wanted to go to the zoo so we headed up there. Before we got there it started pouring so we got rained out on that idea. They thought about bowling and roller skating but neither one of them wanted to really do that. So while they thought about it I went tanning. They ended up deciding that they wanted to see a movie. Well the movie didn’t start for several hours so we went to the mall and just window shopped. We went to see “The Last Song” and it was a very good movie. It was very moving and sad, but good.

On Friday I worked then I went to my mom’s salon and she cut my hair again. She got it way too short and not the style I wanted, but Ciara made a good point that she’s still learning. Oh well, it’s just hair and it will grow out. She took us to dinner after that and I really didn’t want to go. She’s not comfortable having Danny around yet and I feel guilty when I go out without him. She has trust issues with him and from what she told me (if it’s true) I don’t blame her. I just don’t know anymore. There are things going on right now that I just can’t get in to that have hurt me and made me question so much. Once again I find myself questioning me, my actions, my words, my thoughts, and my life. I hate being in this place but I don’t know what to do to fix it. In truth while I question myself, I find myself questioning God. I know He knows what He’s doing, but I don’t know what to do with what He’s handing me. I look at what I have before me and I’m so confused. It reminds me of where I was a few years ago and I don’t want to go back to that place again. It brings me to tears.

Yes, tears are the words of the moment. All of them I cry on the inside because to me they show my weakness on the outside. I choke on them. I feel the knot in the back of my throat and I try to swallow it away but it won’t be moved. They are suffocating. What I do know is God holds my tears in His hands, even the ones I only cry on the inside. They don’t streak my face, only my heart. Thoughts race through my mind as I cry my silent tears. They make my stomach turn. I can’t wait for the day that God wipes all our tears away. That day when tears are a distant memory as I stand in the brilliance of my Almighty God. But for now my insides tremble and shake from my uncried tears. They are tears of sadness, the unknown, and what might really be. I don’t just cry for me, I cry for others too. But most of my unshed tears are for me. It’s not that I’m in a deep depression again, because I’m not. It’s just the situation I find myself in right now. I don’t want my uncried tears to bring me to bitterness. But my trust right now waivers. Not of God but of those around me and I think that’s the saddest thing of all. I think my tears tell a better story about me than my words. They stain my soul. So very many tears.

Don’t feel sorry for me, just pray for us. We need your prayers right now! Prayers for clarity, guidance, truth, trust, and a faith that God really knows what He’s doing. I pray for you also! I pray for God’s love to be evident in your daily lives. I pray you never have to cry your tears on the outside, but if you do that God cradles your broken heart in the palm of His hand. I pray for your happiness and joy. Life should be filled with the joy of the Lord. One day again that will be me and I pray it’s soon. I’m so glad that I have the power of prayer and that I believe in its power. I’m blessed to know that my Savior listens to my words and answers them before I can ever ask for them. I may cry tears but I take hope in Him. I make Him promises and I try to hear from heaven, I make Him too small. He is such a big God! But I wonder if I really understand His holiness. So many times I thought I had Him figured out, but He always proves to me that I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. So I won’t second guess Him, although that would be what I would tend to do at this moment in time. No, I will sit at His feet and wait for Him to move and move me. It’s all I can do.

Melissa Fitzwilliam