Family Pictures

Well yesterday wasn’t a very busy day, I even have a hard time remembering what I even did. The think the most memorable thing about yesterday was falling down the stairs and landing so hard! It gave me the worse headache imaginable. My body hurt all over and still does. The bad part about it was I had Mitch (one of our family weenie dogs) in my arms and I hurt him too! I felt so bad. He was limping and moaning, poor baby. It started by me picking him up to carry him down the stairs (he’s 15 years old! and can’t make it down the icy stairs by himself) so he could go to the bathroom. I was on the last step and just like in a cartoon my feet flew out from underneath me. I bumped down the last two steps before coming to a very hard landing on the ice packed ground. It felt like my spine was getting shoved up into my brain. Maybe it knocked the rest of my thoughts out of my brain lol.

I spent a lot of the day on the computer (what’s new) still getting caught up on my poetry. I had let it go for so long that it took me two days of getting caught up on everything, and believe or not, I’m still not done. I think it would take at least another day, day and a half, to be totally caught up and that’s if that was the only thing I was doing. But since my body hurts so badly today I’m not going to do any of it. I figure there is still plenty of time before I go to work to get it done. And please be praying about that. I really want this one job (if it’s in the will of God) and they are going to start call backs this next week. I don’t want to force myself into this position if I’m not suppose to have it, but this “feels” like the one. I think I could be really good at it. It’s retail which I’ve done before so I’m familiar with it, but now it’s just up to God. So please be praying that God provides me the job that He wants me to have.

Tanya and Steve came up and Tanya made us dinner. We had made dinner the night before (roast) and last night she made this wonderful stew. It was just perfect for a cold winter’s night. I heated up some chocolate in my fondue melter and we had chocolate dipped apples and bananas. We played Farkle and the dice just weren’t nice to me last night. We each won a game and had fun playing. I have to say I wasn’t in the best of moods because my whole body was in pain. It made for a very grumpy Mel! I decided to turn in early and try and get some rest because I knew we had pictures today.

Speaking of pictures! It was the highlight of my day today! I’m sure you’ve already seen the pictures I posted on facebook and they turned out so good! I’m not sure how long it will take to get them in but I can’t wait! The last time we took family pictures Ciara was 4 years old and now she’s 12! So it’s been 8 years and that’s just too long. When we got done we all had lunch together and it was so nice to have all the family together.

Other than that I’m fixing to lay down and take a nap for awhile and see if I can get rid of this headache. I’m going to lay on a heating pack for awhile, or I just may go in and take a nice hot bath and see if that helps. I’ll make tacos tonight for dinner and do my daily quiet time and call it a day. Danny will have to get up in the morning to take Ciara to school because the roads are still so bad out here. I hope they clear up before Tuesday because that’s my first day of physical therapy and I have to drive myself there. I’m sure if I’m really careful, I can make it. On a side note real quick; I’ve started smoking again so please be in prayer that I can stop. I really don’t want to be smoking, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to quit. I’m thinking about taking some of our tax return money and going and getting hypnotized and see if that will work. The patches just didn’t do it for me. I still “wanted” one, and I’m sure if you’re a smoker you understand. So please pray that the Lord takes away the desire for me to want one. Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. Love you guys on Facebook and beyond so much!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Details, Details (lol)....

By popular request I have been asked to keep the details in so you asked for it so here we go! Yesterday seemed to be a pretty filled day, maybe because we started so early in the morning. I had to get up and check to see if Ciara’s school was closed and I think it was the only school in the state that hadn’t closed. I was a little mad. I sat there and thought about it because the freezing rain was already coming down and I don’t do well on slick roads. The teachers had sent home the home work for Thursday and Friday just in case they did close. The more I thought about it the more I thought it would be stupid to send her especially since they had talked about being opened maybe half a day. Why drive in town for her to spend four hours there to only have to turn around and drive another 20 minutes in and 20 minutes back? I spend all my morning driving on roads that I hate! I don’t think so!!! So I decided to heck with it and let her sleep in!

In the mean time, Danny and I had decided the night before we needed to go grocery shopping first thing in the morning to be prepared for this storm that was coming in. So at 7:30 (early for me!) I was up getting dressed to head into town. The difference this time is he was driving (and he does fine in this since he grew up in Chicago) and I was passenger. I could handle that. We hadn’t been try grocery shopping in months and we were depleted out of almost everything! I knew it was going to be a big shopping trip but I was prepared to spend almost $400.00 for necessities. Now bear with me for a second! When I say necessities I’m talking about dog food, cat food, meats (which are so expensive), lunch stuff, toilet paper, paper towels, produce, canned goods, well you get the picture. We spent two hours in there and I was mentally exhausted when we left (from trying to keep track of all the money we were spending and I was within $20.00 of being right).

We came home and started unloading groceries with the help of Ciara. She would put away why Danny and I brought them in. She also helped with dishes because I had to clean out the refrigerator to make everything fit. She hates doing dishes and we ended up having an argument over it because she thought she would get out from having to do it. Oh, I don’t even think so! She was saying it wasn’t her dishes so she shouldn’t have to. I’m telling you I got so mad! So Danny says, “Did you eat the food in those containers? Was food cooked for your consumption? I’ll tell you what we can do to fix this! From now on you will clean up only after you which means; you’ll vacuum the floor once a day because you walk on the carpet, you will cook your own food and clean up that mess, you will do your own laundry, you will clean the kitchen totally up after each meal you make for yourself because that’s a part of cleaning, how does that sound?” Rofl!!!! He was mad I was made and she was stunned! He got her attention that was for sure. But even after that she goes in her bedroom and tries to say she needs to clean it first. Danny says, “Oh, no you don’t! You WILL clean your room, but only AFTER you do the dishes like you were told, or would you like to go with the other plan?” It took everything within me not to scream at her and not to die laughing at him! She was being so obstinate which is unlike her, but at the same time Danny was a genius for coming up with the alternative idea! Gosh I love that man!!!

While she was working on the dishes I went out to feed the animals. It was raining that freezing rain and it was cold but I knew it would just get worse as the afternoon wore on so I wanted to get it done early. I went out to the rabbits and found a new litter of baby bunnies!! I hope this litter makes it! We’ve already had 4-5 litters die and I’m not sure why. I have a sinking feeling that the mothers or our buck is eating the babies. I’m not very hopeful that they’re going to make it, but I’m sure hoping so. We keep them in the old chicken house so they are inside, and it wasn’t too bad in there. Then I headed down to feed the horses and man was it slick! We were able to get the two yearlings in the barn so we felt better about that. The horses seemed to be doing ok but they do have the barn to go into. They had plenty of water so I didn’t get a chance to see if the water pipe was frozen but I can’t say I missed doing that. I did do a no-no and had to picked up a bale of hay with my bad shoulder and boy did it hurt. But the horses had to have hay! My shoulder was pretty sore after that, but what are you going to do?

I headed back up to the house half frozen through and went to go get me my chocolate coffee! I hadn’t had any yet and it was already afternoon. I was late getting started on that. When I came in the dishwasher was running, but there were still some dishes left in the sink. I went and asked Ciara about it and she was cleaning her room. She said she was waiting for the dishwasher to get finished so she could unload that and reload it. I thought that was an acceptable answer so I left her to cleaning her room. I got my cup of coffee and headed to the computer. I think I missed the computer as much as I missed my chocolate coffee. I hadn’t updated anyone on our current status on how we were fairing in the storm so I hopped to it. I love getting caught up with all my fb friends. Then it was poetry time. There were some that I had already written that needed to be entered into the computer and there was some on the computer that needed to be updated in my poetry book. I’m currently working on my forth book though it’s still in the beginning stages. There are some blogs that I thought about inputting in the book, but as you all know they get so long that I decided it against it. As long as I have them saved somewhere in cyberspace I should be good. So that was my afternoon, typing up old poems and writing down new poems in my book.

Evening brought a fun time spent with family. Tanya and Steve came up for a sandwich dinner (LOL) and I showed Steve how to make my chocolate chip cookie bars. Ciara forgot to check on the bars so they got crispy and we like ours nice and chewy but it still wasn’t bad. We decided it was a cold and blustery night so it was a perfect night to play Farkle. For whatever reason the dice were really nice to me and I won 3 games out of 6. Not too bad for a night of some serious playing! As the night wore on though my back and shoulder really started hurting me and I was thinking it may be from lifting the hay earlier in the day. Whatever reason it was hurting, it felt like the early stages of back labor and I was a cranky camper. Steve and Tanya didn’t end up leaving until after midnight and Nicky had fallen asleep on the couch so we just let him spend the night.

When they left I took some medicine to help with the pain in my back and shoulder, then I hopped on the computer again. I saw that Tara was online so I IMed her and we ended up talking for about an hour. After that I still wasn’t feeling sleepy so I started reading my Bible. I ended up getting through Saturday’s readings and it just felt good getting into the word. I think I got a lot out of it, too much in fact to include it this already incredibly long blog.

So with that I’m going to get off here and try to get rid of this headache I have today. I’ve had it since I woke up and I can’t seem to shake it. I’m not sure if I’ll blog again today because this one has been so long and all I’ve done today is cook and be on the computer. We’ll have dinner later on but that will be the extent of my day. Nicky is up here now and him and Ciara are going outside to play in the snow and I’m going to go outside and take a few pictures to post on fb. Not a very busy day compared to yesterday. I’m actually thinking about lying down for a nap even though I woke up so incredibly late. Stay warm out there people! I don’t know about you, but its sure cold here, I’m just thankful that we still have our power. God is so good to us, but please keep those prayers and warm thoughts coming our way because we sure could use them!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Beauty from Ashes...

All I use to see was a tear-stained face
Wearing so much shame in wretched disgrace
My virtue was taken all hone was dead
Defiled dignity trembling in dread
A demoralized slave was all that remained
Trapped in impure filth, virginity maimed
Violated, tainted, feeling dirty within
Gough I was the victim of this sick sin
I’m ashes to ashes, turned dust to dust
All innocence lost by perverted lust
Harsh reality was learned must to fast
Ensnared by the memories of my dark past
Until He came triumphantly and rescued me
From the emotional chains that imprisoned me
In His love I was cleansed pure and white
He banished my shame and disgrace with all of His might
He made me a new creation whole and free
No longer could memory’s bondage keep it’s grip on me
In His grace I’m a victim no more
But am worthy to be loved like never before
I’m His crowning beauty in His righteousness
Adorned in His splendid holy gloriousness
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, here beauty reigns
Being lavished in the Father’s love forever and a day

This is my life story, sad but true. God has made me pure and white and that is what I cling to. I pray one day when someone reads this they too, will see they are precious in His sight and tainted no more...

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Inside...

I’m not sure why all the reasons I cry
Maybe I keep too much bottled up inside
I’m not sure why the nightmares come to life
Making me long to die inside
I’m not sure why things go awry
Maybe it’s just my mind inside
I’m not sure why all the reasons I cry
Maybe it’s because the nightmares come to life
Making things go awry
Because I keep too much bottled up inside
Making me long to die inside
Just making my mind crazy inside
I’m not sure why I fall apart inside


Melissa Fitzwilliam

Shorter Than Some....

Ok, after a request from my sweet daughter today, I am going to keep this one short! Promise! She got on the site to look at the blog and she’s thinks I’m crazy! Lol She doesn’t think there is anyway someone would read such a long post. Yes there are a few that read this, but I like to think of them as my dedicated readers lol! I’ve been meaning to shorten them up anyway, but I’m going to give it an extra effort tonight.

Today started in a very unusual way. Danny came home from work (ok that’s normal, but hang in there) and tried going to sleep. The dogs acted like someone had given them speed or something and every time he would start to fall asleep the dogs would race across him and jump on him and he was getting so angry. So finally around 1:00 (he still hadn’t been to sleep and he got home at 8:00) I asked him when we were going to the feed store because we had to go today, because of the winter storm that’s coming in. He was UPSET! He said he guessed we better head that way so we both got dressed and went to go get feed. So here’s the unusual part, he was grumpy!! When I say grumpy, it’s such an understatement from what he really was. He had had a horrible night at work and he needed a ventfest (another Melissaism). And a ventfest is what he gave me! He went off! If you knew my husband you would know this is so out of his character! He is a laid back, easy going guy! He doesn’t get upset easy, but when he does, heaven help you! Well he couldn’t let his boss have it last night so guess who got the talk…me! Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t mad at me, and he wasn’t as mad at his boss as he was about the situation he was put in. In any case the fest lasted for two hours! That’s a big beef to have with someone! Poor baby! He had had no sleep and a horrible work day and here’s his wife saying, “When are we going to the feed store”. It was not one of his better days.

I came home and went to go get Ciara. I was so glad she was coming home! When we got back home from picking her up from school, Danny was still down working with the horses so we went down there to help him. We had to get our two yearlings into the barn (we normally keep them in a round pen outside) since this storm is coming in. It took us about another 45 minutes of working with Captain to get him into the barn and feeding before we headed back up to the house. I started dinner as soon as I got up here because Ciara and I were starving. Then we got ready for church.

Nicky and Stevie went with us to church tonight and it was really nice. I was really looking forward to being in there and listening to the lesson night, but someone needed to sit with the kids so I did it tonight and we had a bunch of them. I love being in there with the kids too! I got the CD from last weeks sermon that I missed and I can’t wait to listen to it. I talked with Jean (pastor’s wife and Ciara’s school teacher) about how Ciara was doing in school and I wasn’t very happy. But for fear of being long winded I’ll leave that that!

I came home and read my daily Bible reading out of Psalms today and they are always so soothing. As I type I’m sitting here listening to Stevie play on the xBox and Ciara and Nicky are coloring together. I think I’m going to turn in early tonight (or at least try to). Not sure on that yet though because I’m not sending Ciara to school tomorrow because of this winter storm heading in. Speaking of the winter storm, it’s supposed to be bad! They are already declaring Oklahoma in a state of emergency and it’s not even here yet. I’m afraid we’ll lose power and I won’t be able to get on the computer. That will be the end of me (she says with major dramatics lol!!!)! No, I’ll be fine, that’s why I can access all this on my iPhone! Man I love that thing! Good night to all and if the Lord is willing I’ll still be here typing tomorrow night in the warmth of my own home!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Reveries So Sweet....

Sleep eludes me, it’s so hard to find
I try to search for it but there’s much on my mind
I yearn to have it on this lonely night
Arms of my Savior hold me ‘til dawns first light
Give me reveries that are oh so sweet
Let restful sleep take me deep
Lull me gently with Your soft spoken Word
Giving me a peace of eternity secured
Let me dream of Your precious face
Being held in the arms of grace
Holding Your hand, walking side by side
In Your embrace let me hide
Midnight Angel come hold me now
In silent prayer my head I bow
Wisk me off to the stars
Take me anywhere, take me far
Hold me close safe in Your arms
Far away from any harms
My Lord, My God bring me soft sleep
With dreams of You that my heart may keep…
Don’t be elusive come to me
Bringing me reveries so sweet



I couldn't sleep tonight, so I made me a bowl of cereal and started writing and this is what came out. Now I think I'm going to bed lol...

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Jehovah-Rophe

Well I’ve been on the computer very little today and I have to say I have missed it! This is my only source of communication with others living so far out in the country. Through this I am able to have relationships and interaction with others that otherwise I would be without. Anita pointed that out to me yesterday and I was really thankful for that because many times I feel guilty for being on here so much. If I were writing books and earning money it would be understandable that I would be on here so much. Ciara says I need to write a called “My Daily Life-Struggles of the Depressed” lol! My poor baby knows a little too much about depression bless her heart. But living with a mommy who is severely depressed, she had to learn and learn quickly.

I started my day with the best news possible! My rotator cuff is not torn and I do not have to have surgery! Praise God for His great goodness! Now they are going to send me to physical therapy and try and figure out what is really going on with my shoulder. I have to say my body really felt as though something in there was torn! I believe in miraculous healings and I think that is what I have experienced. When I was lying in the MRI machine I just kept praying that the Lord would heal me and that they would find nothing on the scan and sure enough, that’s exactly what happened. He is the great Jehovah-Rophe “The Lord Who Heals”. That’s how my awesome day started and to me that was a direct answer to prayer because I was really worrying myself about it. I know the Bible says that worrying doesn’t add a minute to the day, and of course It’s right, but I was fretting none the less.

From there I hopped on the computer and got caught up with all my FaceBook friends. They have done so much to help through this time! I really appreciate all of them. I am still trying to learn about how this blogging thing works, because I am finding comments that I have missed. I wish there was so way it would alert me when I had a new comment! I decided not to do as much blogging as I did yesterday, because let’s be honest, yesterdays blogging was a little crazy! (lol) Danny and I started talking about how I needed to go grocery shopping before this next big winter storm hits so I look at the bank account and we only have $20.00 to get us through Thursday. So needless to say I did not go grocery shopping. I’m not sure what we’re going to do if we get snowed in, but God will provide.

I went and fed the animals and that chore is very soothing for me. Spending time out with the horses just has a way of calming me down. Today and yesterday Captain let me pet him with is a miracle. He is as wild as they come! The beauty in something so untamed, the fear in possessing something so wild is exhilarating. Rapha (means Giant One in Hebrew) is as sweet as ever. I’m going to hate to see the boys go, but we just can’t afford five horses. It’s a little much! Three is a much more manageable number and all we can afford. The rabbits are fat and sassy. We had another litter of babies, but again they didn’t make it and there’s no sign of them outside of the doe’s pulled hair. That’s a tale-tale sign that they have given birth is when the doe pulls the hair out on her stomach, but there is no evidence of baby bunnies anywhere. It makes me a little sad. This has to be our fifth litter of babies that didn’t make it. I don’t know if the mother’s are eating them or what, but all I know is we have some bad mothers. Ciara will be sad when she comes home tomorrow.

I did decide to go to the ladies Bible study tonight at church. I called Janice and asked her what we would be studying and she said Sunday’s sermon. I thought that was just perfect since I missed Sunday because I was sick. After hearing what they learned about, I have to get myself a CD! It answered so many of my questions about whether or not a truly saved person can ever lose their salvation. And the emphatic answer is no! Once you are truly saved nothing can pluck you from the hands of God! I’ve always believed in once saved always saved, but you really have to give your life to Christ and accept Him as your Lord and Savior. I also finished up the book of Joshua today. I read chapters 21-24 and it was going over land that was given to the Levites. Some of that is really dry reading and is hard to get through, but I made sure I paid attention anyways. One thing that Joshua was telling the Israelites is that they must love the Lord their God with all their hearts, soul, and mind. Worship Him alone and do not stray from the law. It’s good to be reminded of my priorities and that is to put God before all things. I do feel bad for the Israelites because they did have to obey the letter of the law and with us the law was fulfilled with Christ. That doesn’t mean we get to sin all we want! Christ said we show Him that we love Him by keeping the Word. That doesn’t mean we are a slave to the law either. We are (I would pray) glad servants of Christ, willing to follow where ever He would have us go.

After I left Bible study I talked with Ciara on the phone for a bit. We always miss each other so much when she spends the weekends with her dad. That’s the sorry price you pay for a divorce. I know it would’ve never worked between us, but I still hate spending time away from her. I told her that depending on the weather here (Oklahoma) there may not be a dance on Friday night like they are planning. We are supposed to get a big winter storm through here starting tomorrow night with all kinds of ice and snow. I hate it that we get all or nothing. We can have just a little dusting here or there, no it always comes as giant storms that end up knocking out our power, freezing up our waterlines, it’s a pain! She was really bummed to hear this and was complaining away about how horrible her life is because there might not be a dance. I told her the dramatics were a little much! I wish I were that age again (well with a different childhood maybe)! If I could have a childhood totally different than the one I had, then yes I would want to be that age again (12). Life should be simpler then. Mine wasn’t, but to the glory of God, Ciara’s is. I praise God everyday that Ciara doesn’t have the childhood that I had, but then again I made sure I did my part as her parent to guard her from all the evils I could. Maybe I’m overprotective, but I’ll never lose a night’s sleep because I was too lax and something happened to her. Oh no, not on my watch!

And that’s been my day. It amazes me that during the day my life seems so boring yet I start putting it down and it seems to jump to life. I think God is using this to make me see exactly how He is guiding my days. I can look back and see where He’s been all day. I’m happy to say my days are filled with His presence. I never want to go back to my depression when I couldn’t feel Him at all. Those were desperate times. But He has healed me and I have so much that I have been blessed with. Yes He is my Jehovah-Rophe, He heals my hurts and my brokenness and makes me whole again.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

El Roi

I’m going to try and keep today’s blog short and sweet because I’ve been on the computer almost all day!  I’ve gotten a lot accomplished in this heart of mine, but the house is suffering from neglect.  I’ve got to get busy on the house, especially with me finding out this week if I’m going to have surgery on my shoulder or not.  I don’t see how it’s not torn, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m praying hard core for it not to be.  Of course, I don’t think I know of anyone that would just willingly sign up for a painful surgery, but there are some different people out there (just glad I’m not one of them lol!).

I started off my morning by going to see Anita, my counselor.  We have been knocking around the idea of me going to bi-monthly appointments rather than weekly appointments.  I had a setback last week going to that party where my childhood abuser was.  But I think my reaction could’ve been worse.  Although, being totally honest my reaction could’ve been a lot better too.  She (Anita) said she would leave the decision up to me and reminded me that she could always schedule me in if I needed to be seen sooner than two weeks.  I think I would like to try it and see how I do.  I told her I think this blogging is very therapeutic and brings healing that I didn’t even realize I needed.  I finally have an outlet to pour myself into and not fear criticism I might receive.  Here I can be all that is me and not fear I have let someone down.  It feels liberating to have a place, yes space, where you can totally let your guard down and be free to be all of who you really are.  I never dreamed this blog would turn into what it has become, but I’m content with it right now.

After I left Anita’s I went and had lunch with Ciara.  I miss her so much when she goes with her dad!  The house just isn’t the same without her here.  I bought us some Taco Bueno burritos and we went over their upcoming school dance on Friday.  At 12 years old, this will be her first dance!  It makes me want to cry!  Where have the years gone?  I’m excited to see the wonderful young lady she’s becoming, but I miss my baby girl.  The one thing I’m still incredibly blessed by is she still loves to cuddle!  I hope she never grows out of that!  Anyway, we talked about the dance rules and how I expected her to behave while she was there.  My main concern is that she is civil to this one boy in her class that gives her the creeps.  He is a little strange and stalkerish in a way (yes I know stalkerish isn’t in the actual dictionary, but I have these words my husband likes to call Melissaisms and this is one of those words…) and he follows Ciara around everywhere she goes.  His actions have actually got me concerned, but I don’t want to blow anything out of proportion as they are in the sixth grade.  I’ve armed her well and I know God will take care of her.

When I got home I had a horrible itch to get on the computer and start writing.  Yes I have definitely been in one of my writing moods today.  I need to use a little more moderation in how much I’m on here, but today felt a little different.  There is still talk going on about the blog “Questions About Predestination” and “Why I Believe In Predestination”.  So I did my Bible study in Genesis 16-19 today and I’ll get back to that in a minute.  What my true study today was why I believe what I believe.  So I delved into Romans to research.  I found my passages and that’s how “Why I Believe in Predestination” came to being.  But back to my Bible study today…I was reading on how God promised Abraham and Sarah a son and they didn’t believe He could do it so Sarah gives Abraham her servant Hagar.  We go from there to the visit of the three angels to Abraham and their promise that at that time next year Sarah would have a son of her own and she laughs (then denies that she did lol).  From there the angels go to Sodom and we know what happens from there.  God hates perversion!  He destroys Sodom and Gomorrah because He could not find 10 righteous people there.  In the end only three people made it out, Lot and his two daughters.

What was reassuring about today’s study is first, God keeps His promises.  He promised Abraham and Sarah they would have a son, but He would do it in His time not theirs.  They thought to “help” God along by offering Hagar.  What I love about this is God comforts Hagar after she ran away because Sarah began to abuse her. (Of course Sarah did this because Hagar looked down on her because she had been able to provide a son for Abraham, not to excuse Sarah for her abuse but to explain why it happened)  God comes to Hagar and promises her Ishmael.  Hagar sees that God has seen her plight and names Him “El Roi” meaning “God of Seeing”.  That’s my second point.  He sees our troubles and comforts us and promises us to never leave us or forsake us.  He has compassion to our plights and He sees our sorrows.  Nothing of nothing escapes His sight.

The other thing that is reassuring is God’s act of judgment on Sodom and Gomorrah.  I can’t imagine how it grieved His heart to see these two cities become a place of sick perversion.  What still amazes me is that Lot offered up his two virgin daughters so the two men (angels) would be safe.  It goes to show that Lot was not exempt from their atrocious thinking.  God poured out His judgment on these two cities!  He is a just God!  Even Lot’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt because she looked back.  How many of us look behind us?  Somehow thinking that what lies behind us is something that we need here and now…If we just focus on the here and now we won’t stumble but can run swiftly into the safety of God’s arms.  That’s what He offered Lot’s family.  But even after Lot and his two daughter’s escaped the perversion didn’t end there.  They laid with their father and bore sons that would end up being enemies of Israel.  Perversion has ruined many lives.  But God will have His justice.  Vengeance is His and He will repay!    

Yes I was encouraged by my Bible study today.  And once again I meant for this to be a short blog and it’s turned into another long one.  I’m going to jump off here and I think head to bed.  I know I have to quit typing though because it’s really causing my shoulder to start hurting.  The last thing I’ll leave you with is two pictures.  They are taken one year apart and it just goes to show the healing God has brought me in this past year.  Praise Him for His goodness!

Melissa Fitzwilliam 

Set My Fettered Heart Free.... (a blast from the past)

I don’t know how to go back, to when my heart was wild and free.
Now I’m locked in a cage, bound tight by what no eye can see.
I am not like what I use to be, became nothing of what I dreamed I’d be,
Held tight by strictures of my own making.
I remember a time when I could breathe,
Not held back by fears unseen.
Now I long to run, being carried by the wind,
Free to roam to find the true me again.
I don’t want to look back to see what might have been,
But maybe catch a glimpse of that smile that has grown dim.
I want to find the way I lost, the road I wandered from;
Find myself, come back home, being a prodigal no more, find no reason to run.
My Lord, my Beloved, put me back in my wilderness of peace;
Under the open sky, walking with You with a soul that’s been released.
Find me again encompassed in You, loosing this shell I hold onto
Destroy the mask I try to wear, make me into the image of You
Bring Your light into this dark night
Save from the demons I try to fight
Make me understand You’re my hiding place
As You cover me with Your grace
Open my eyes help me to see the beauty of Your majesty
Living a life in You is the key to my serenity
You long to save me from myself and what I make of me
A life of sadness doesn’t have to be my way, You long for me to be free
Soon the day will come when I find my way out of this valley
Into the resting arms of You is where I long to be finally
You long to free me from this bondage of grief
And show me now that You are my relief
I don’t have to let these strictures of pain control my life
I don’t have to live everyday in a perpetual turmoil of strife.
Piercing away the pain doesn’t have to be my release
When His piercing can bring me eternal peace
The time is coming soon when I will awake and finally see
I’ve been freed from my fears and the tears have ceased
Yes a day is coming when every day I won’t relive my past
And maybe then I will find a joy that will last
Contentment can be mine if I will unlock the chains
That holds me tight with nothing to gain
Within my grasp I hold the key
Of unlocking the things that keep destroying me
When will this end, how long will it last
When will I leave the past in the past
I crawl to You, completely broken, on bended knee
Wrap me in Your love and set my fettered heart free.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Why I Believe in Predestination...

There have been a few questions that have come up on why I believe in predestination. Below I have included some passages out of the book of Romans to give you the reason for my belief. I also believe that the Bible is the inherent Word of God, therefore I believe all of it was breathed by the Holy Spirit. I believe in the Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and believe that they are all equally God, all one, yet different. I couldn’t even begin to explain how that works because I don’t understand it, I just believe because the Bible says it. That’s also why I believe in predestination, because the Bible tells me it’s true, therefore it is true! I’m rock solid on my belief’s but it’s the why that I’m wondering about right now. I’m still looking for answers but as many have said, I may have to wait until I get to the other side of heaven to find out. I can be content with that. But it doesn’t mean I’ll quit wondering why…

Rom 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Rom 8:29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
Rom 8:30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

And

Rom 9:14 What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means!
Rom 9:15 For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion
Rom 9:16 So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy
Rom 9:17 For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, "For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth
Rom 9:18 So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.
Rom 9:19 You will say to me then, "Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will
Rom 9:20 But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this
Rom 9:21 Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonorable use
Rom 9:22 What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction
Rom 9:23 in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory--

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Questions About Predestination....

Not much happened today. I spent the majority of the day on the computer just playing around. I tried feeding the animals one handed today and that didn’t work, so I know now that if and when I have to have surgery the family is really going to have to pitch in because I won’t be able to do it. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. I’ve gotten so used to doing that stuff around here that I think it will be hard not doing it. I mean, I won’t mind not doing it because I know if I have surgery I’ll be in pain and not want to do it, but at the same time that’s my job here.

I didn’t go to church today because in the middle of the night I started getting sick. I can’t even say it just started last night. I started getting a sore throat on Friday and it’s gotten progressively worse. But during the night last night I started this awful cough and got this pressure headache. Not your normal “head hurts” headache but more of a sinus pressure headache. It was hard to swallow, I was up because the medicine wasn’t working on my shoulder, and it was just a really rough night. When Danny got home this morning I tried talking to him and I barely had a voice. All in all, I decided it would be best not to go to church and spread all the germs around. I hate missing, especially since this was my second Sunday to miss, but I know no one would want me there and risk me getting them sick.

The biggest happening today was my quiet time. I have this schedule that gets me through reading the whole Bible in one year. It breaks it into epistles, law, history, psalms, poetry, prophecy, and gospels. Today I was in Romans 9-10. Paul is talking about God’s sovereignty in choosing who gets to go to heaven and who doesn’t. He hardens who He hardens and has grace and mercy on those He chooses. This was really hard for me today. It also talks about not questioning God for why He is doing it this way and that is doubly hard for me. In the grand scheme of things, who am I that I should question God. I am one of the ones He chose to have mercy on and bestowed His grace upon me. But why me? I know what kind of a sinner I am, a wretched one. And I also know we are all the same in His eyes. There is no one worse than another, but this is hard for me to understand too. God doesn’t measure sin, but we do. There are certain things in the Bible that I just don’t understand, but have been called to have faith in.

I think of family members and friends that aren’t saved. Paul says he would choose eternal separation from God to bring the Jews to righteousness. I can’t say I am the same way and that shames me. I don’t know that I could put my own desire to be with Him aside to bring others to Him. An eternity away from Him is the definition of Hell in my book. I long to be with Him now! However, I don’t have the love for people the way Paul obviously did. But it is something I desire to have, I think. I wouldn’t want to be dishonest in any way, so I’m unsure exactly how much love I want to have. Now in 1 John that would make me question if I am truly a child of God. Can I really call myself a child of God if I don’t have love for my brothers? I do love them, but I think they are talking about the sacrificial love, the agape love and that is what I’m lacking in.

But back to God picking who gets to go to heaven and who doesn’t…it really calls into question (for me) His all surpassing love. He if desires for none to perish, then why can’t He choose to have mercy on all of us? Would that then negate free will? I have free will and He had mercy on me and I love Him. I have come to know Him as my Savior and my Lord with my free will. Why must He harden people? Yes He used Pharaoh, whom He hardened, to show His great glory through the ten plagues. It was through Pharaoh’s hardened heart that these great miracles came to pass. However there is another great miracle when Jesus heals the slave of the centurion. The solider believed in Him and said all Christ had to do was say the word and his servant would be healed. Here is great faith and belief coupled with a great miracle. Jesus, Himself, said he had not seen faith so great in all of Jerusalem. So we have two different scenarios with the same outcome of a mighty miracle. One is in heaven today and one is not.

He is an all powerful God! I don’t doubt this for a moment, but I wonder why must free will lead to destruction of the soul? On some level we all receive His mercy because we don’t get what we rightfully deserve through our lives. Some of us recognize this as His all surpassing love and the grace He pours out on us. Others don’t see anything at all because of karma, or whatever they happen to believe in. I do believe there is enough evidence in this world to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt there is a real living God! I don’t see where others struggle with it or outright reject it. Why was a measure of faith granted to me enough for me to believe, but not them? He gives us all a measure of faith in which to call on Him and know He is God, but is it a different amount for each of us? If some require a bigger measure of faith, why isn’t it granted to them, or is it and in my finite wisdom (or the lack there of) I just can’t grasp it?

I don’t doubt God’s love for me. He’s proven it too often for there to be any doubt. If He loves us all equally, which the Bible says He does, then why are some chosen to perish? Why were they predestined to spend an eternity away from Him? Why was I predestined to be one of the chosen few to be called a child of God? I don’t presume to call Him into question, I’m not that arrogant. However, this is something that does trouble my heart. I want to be humble enough to take Him at His Word and have faith just because He says to. But in my free will I have questions. I know God told Job that His ways are higher than ours, so I have a feeling that even if He were to explain it to me, I don’t and wouldn’t have the capacity to understand it.

This is such a big thing to think about. I’ve been pondering it in my heart all day. I would think there is some answer out there that might be small enough for me to understand it a little bit better than what I do right now. However, just because it’s out there, doesn’t mean God will give me the answer. Sometimes (maybe like right now) I just have to be still and know He is God and know His will and plan is perfect for everyone. With all the questions I have right now, that sure is hard. If anyone has any way of explaining this to such a lowly person I would appreciate it. Maybe one of you has a better understanding of this than I do. I will look to the Word again to find His answer, but in the mean time, I will do as I’m told and have faith that He is the Potter and I am the clay. Therefore, the clay can’t tell the Potter what to do and how to mold it and make it. He is God and I am not (I’m sure everyone, including myself, is thankful for this lol). His ways are just and unfathomable. But I hope He doesn’t mind these questions that lay on my heart. I’m not questioning Him, but the way of it all.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

My Wonderful Husband, Our Wonderful Life....

It’s midnight and I’m wide awake. I’m trying to tell myself I need to go to bed but I can’t bring myself to go into an empty bed. I know Danny has to work, but I really dislike this shift. It’s so hard trying to sleep without him next to me. I know couples who sleep in separate beds because for them it is more comfortable, but that baffles me. I can’t imagine having a different room from Danny or choosing not to sleep next to him every single night. There’s a comfort knowing that he’s next to me. There’s a calmness that comes over me when I can hear him breathing next to me. To feel his chest rise and fall as he cuddles close is so soothing.

So on nights like tonight I find myself unable to fall asleep. I would rather be doing anything than crawling into an empty bed. I think in a way it goes to show how close Danny and I are even after ten years of being together. I haven’t gotten sick of him yet! One of his friends were saying how blessed are to have so a wonderful relationship and he’s right. We’ve been so blessed by God! Our marriage has withstood many tests and we remain as strong as ever. I know that soul mates are real, love stories aren’t just stories, true love does exist, and happily ever after is more than just a possibility it’s our life’s theme.

So as I sit here missing him tonight, I reflect on what an awesome God I serve that He would send me my perfect husband. I wrote a letter to God as a teenager and told Him the qualities I wanted my future husband to possess. Danny fits it to a “T”. God sent me my “Mr. Perfect”, but I was also searching for God’s will in my life. After one failed marriage, I wasn’t willing to settle again. I knew I would wait how ever long it took to find the perfect one God had chosen for me. I didn’t have to wait an incredibly long time, but what we have found is what fairy tales are made out of. The only difference between our life and a fairy tale is this is real life. We wake up to happily ever after every day. That’s not to say we haven’t had our share of ups and downs, but we have relied on God to see us through. Rather than throwing in the towel when things got rough, we held on tighter than ever. Anyone that truly knows our story is somewhat amazed that we are still together today. I know there aren’t many men out there that would put up with what Danny has had to go through with me.

Yes I am blessed; blessed beyond all measure. So I will go in and turn down the bed and turn out the lights this late night knowing that I’ll have sweet dreams. Of what you would ask? I’ll dream about my everyday life because that’s where my sweet dreams come true is when I’m wide awake. When I awake in the morning he’ll be there lying next to me and all will be right in this world. Yes I may have lonely nights but I’ll never have a lonely life. He is the fruition of all my childhood dreams and fantasies. I live a blessed life because I decided to follow God’s direction for my life, no matter what that meant. I had to give up things I never thought I’d have to, but in the end, at the end of every day it’s worth it. Danny makes it all worth it! If you couldn’t tell, I’m madly in love with my wonderful husband but the crazy thing is, he loves me!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Pretty Non-Eventful Day....

Yesterday was a pretty non-eventful day. I had to wake up early because I had my MRI scheduled for yesterday morning on my right shoulder, and had to be at St. Anthony’s by 8:30. Ciara woke up late and I didn’t end up getting there until 8:45. They didn’t tell me where the procedure place was so I parked clear on the other side from where the MRI place is located. You want to talk about a lot of walking! It was insane! They also didn’t tell me that I would have to go to admitting first so when I got there I went straight to the MRI room only to have to walk clear across the hospital again to be admitted in and then go clear back to the MRI office. I can tell you I didn’t wear the right kind of shoes for all that walking! I got me a mini-workout! So I think most everyone has had a MRI. They are loud, too small, and too long. Yes that’s an MRI! I had a tickle in my throat and needed to cough so bad but you have to hold so still in those things because frankly there’s no room to cough in there! I ended up not being able to hold back the cough and ended up coughing during one of the scans. What a pain! I don’t know if they had to redo that scan or not, all I know is I was in there for almost an hour!

On my way back I stopped and tanned and then I called up my friend who’s going through the divorce. I hadn’t talked to her in almost two weeks. I wasn’t sure if I should call her or not because I don’t think she wants to hear what I have to say. I think she and her husband is wrong on many levels and it’s hard for me to be a comfort to her when I see them doing the stuff their doing and the kids having to pay for it! I love those kids so much, and I think the adults are acting stupid and the kids shouldn’t have to suffer because of their parents stupid decisions. I can already tell this divorce is going to be nasty. They are both accusing each other of cheating (and maybe it happened and maybe it didn’t, I’m in no position to say anything about that), he wants her to take a drug test (and I can honestly say I don’t think she’s doing drugs), they both want the house, they both are fighting for full custody of the kids, and they both think the other person is crazy for asking what they are asking for. She’s not going to get the house because she has no job (nor does she want to get one, but too bad!) and has no money to keep it. He’s not paying the mortgage payments right now and they are 2-3 months behind so I can’t see how they don’t get foreclosed on. He isn’t giving her any money for the household (not even money for food for the kids!), she refuses to get a job to have money for food for the kids, and they are both acting more immature than all the children combined. So you can see where she wouldn’t want to hear what I have to say. I would tell her go get a job where ever they are hiring. Don’t be picky because you need money to raise those babies! And stop bashing him in front of the kids! Nothing makes me madder than when she cusses and swears about him in front of those kids! It’s totally uncalled for. So why did I call her? Because on some level I want to be a good friend, I want her to know I still love her (even if I think she’s wrong), and that I will try to be there for the whole family the best way I can (and maybe that’s leaving the adults alone for awhile, but I don’t know).

I got home and I was so tired from not sleeping the night before because of all the pain I’m having in this shoulder. Danny was sleeping (I didn’t get home until around noon) because as far as his body is concerned it’s the middle of the night, not the middle of the day. So I did the perfectly lazy thing and went and got out of my day clothes, put on some comfortable sleepwear and crawled in bed and slept! I didn’t sleep well again because my shoulder is still hurting but I did get some much needed rest. I think I ended up sleeping like four hours! I felt better once I got up and felt more rested. I had to finally make myself get up because we had mini-church up at the church last night and I had to get stuff ready to take up there.

I went to mini-church and it was fun. My friend Michelle showed up and I hadn’t seen her in a while. So we had a chance to get caught up on her crazy life and when I say crazy, I mean saga crazy! She could write books on the drama in her life. It makes my life seem very dull in comparison. It was a 50’s theme, but I didn’t get dressed up because I just didn’t feel like it. However, the others that did get all decked out looked so cute! We had great food, wonderful fellowship, and some fun singing when it was all over with. It lasted for about 3 ½ hours, but it was a great time. By the time it was wrapping up Danny was already heading to the city to go to work and I hadn’t had a chance to make him any dinner. So I asked a few people if they minded if I took him some of their chili up there to him at the station and they said they didn’t mind at all. So I loaded up on some wonderful chili and headed to downtown so I could take my man so dinner.

I got to the station around 9:30 and I stayed until 11:30. They never mind me coming up there and sitting with him for awhile. The officers up there are always so nice, though they do typically ask if I made them some cookies or some other sweet. They love my baking and are always bummed when I come up there empty handed. I even thought about stopping and getting them some donuts, but things are tight in the checking account right now so I decided they would be ok without anything last night. It makes me realize that as soon as I find out what’s going on with my shoulder I have to get a job myself. If I have to have surgery, fine, but I’m going to recover like I have a job to get back to! I want to do this quickly so I can start helping my family out. I’m taking my own advice and not being picky. I’ve already turned in seven applications and I’m waiting to hear something back as we speak. If everything comes out ok and I haven’t torn my rotator cuff then the following day (from when I find out) I’m going job hunting! If I have torn the rotator cuff, I’m scheduling the surgery for as soon as possible so I can begin doing physical therapy quickly and start working! I’m actually looking forward to getting a job. I think I’m ready for it. Well today is almost half way over and I haven’t done a thing. So I’m going to jump off here and try to do something. I’m not sure what yet, but I’ll figure it out. No napping today! I’ll do what my shoulder allows me to do! Other day in the life of me….

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Content...

Today has been a nice day and it’s not even over yet. I’m feeling very peaceful today and content with my life. I have been searching for this feeling for so long now, especially with last year being filled with depression. I long to have the feeling that while everything may not be right in the world, everything was ok with me. I think maybe I finally have gotten there. Even with a potential surgery looming in front of me, I’m content with God’s will for my life. I struggled with Him for so long last year and it feels good to finally be at peace with Him and all He has planned for me. It took me long enough to get here and now I’m going to relax and enjoy my contentment.

Today Ciara’s class put on a play in chapel. She goes to private school so every week they have a chapel day (on Thursdays) and they all take turns “putting on” a chapel. The choir already sang this year for chapel and that’s when she had her wonderful solo. This time her 6th grade class put on a play that they wrote themselves. It was a knockoff of “Veggie Tales” and they were teaching on how to be a good friend and why not to be a bad friend. The little kids just loved it! Ciara did a great job (as usual). She always shines as a bright star to me. I’m sure every mother feels this way, but I’m sure she was the best one up there.

When the play was over I headed into town to get some running done before I headed to Tara’s. I stopped and grabbed me some Sonic for breakfast and then I went to tan. Yes, I know it’s bad for you, but my contract isn’t up until this coming October, so in the mean time, I will tan. Then I needed a few things from Wal-Mart (the great money sucking store) so I stopped in there to grab the rest of the things I needed for our morning coffee. I went in with a goal only to spend twenty dollars and it ended up coming to $21.somthing with tax. I thought I did very well in showing restraint when I could have bought some really cute clothes in there while I was shopping.

I headed over to Tara’s house so we could have our weekly coffee date. This is the second time I’ve been to her house, but it’s so much fun and I look forward to it so much! It’s just a time for the girls to get together and have some grown-up talk. It’s a nice time of fellowship with some great chocolate coffee! And her children are so adorable! They are well mannered and well behaved and that’s not something you see a lot of these days! I don’t know how she does it with six kids, but she does a great job. So we chatted for hours and I got to meet her husband today. We also had chocolate fondue today with apples, bananas, and cheesecake. You want to talk about some yummy snacking! It was living the high life.

I came home to a sleeping husband. He had to work last night so during the day he sleeps. He didn’t get home this morning until 7:30 and he’ll go back into work tonight at 8:30 (he has to be there and working and 9:00). He looked so peaceful sleeping and I couldn’t resist crawling in next to him to snuggle with him for awhile. I miss him so much when he’s gone, especially at night when I’m in a bed all by myself. I miss his warmth and just the comfort of knowing he’s right there. I get so pathetic on those nights many times I ask Ciara to sleep with me so I don’t have to sleep by myself. In any case, I curled up next to him for about thirty minutes and just listen to him breathe. I was so relaxing and satisfying on some deeper level. I don’t know that I can adequately explain what I mean, but the contentment was so overwhelming it almost brought me to tears. I don’t think you find a love like ours very often and I know I am so blessed to have him and our love.

After I pulled myself away from him I went to go get Ciara from school. Driving down the road got me to really thinking about where my day had me so far. In all the things I did I was content, even just driving down the road. I’m at peace with my place as a wife, mom, friend, and whatever other name you want to tag on to me. I felt as though I had done a good job today though I hadn’t accomplished anything at home. It was a deeper accomplishment of the soul. I had read my Bible today, done my prayer time, everything I had wanted to accomplish today on deeper level I had accomplished.

When I got home from picking Ciara up from school I started finishing up the dinner I had started early this morning. Before I headed out this morning I put a chicken in the slow cooker and put barbecue sauce on top of it and set it to cook for ten hours. I peeled potatoes (which killed my shoulder) for garlic mashed potatoes and made up some really good corn out of a recipe I dreamed up in my head. Ciara and I ate together since Danny was still sleeping. It turned out really good, and better than I had hoped.

With dinner finished up I still had to feed the horses. Well when I started talking to Ciara about it she said, “Oh no, you’re not feeding the horses with your hurt shoulder, I’ll do it.” I have such an amazing daughter! She said she was going to get my nephew to feed the horses and the rabbits while she’s gone to my ex-husbands house so I won’t have to worry about it. She doesn’t want me to feed and risk hurting my shoulder more! She is so sweet and thoughtful, she just amazes me.

Well Danny is up now and needing my attention. I also told Ciara I would help her make some cookies tonight. She makes some of the best chocolate cookies I’ve ever tasted! I guess I better get back to my blissful life and get busy. There is plenty left to do in this day, now it’s just a matter of getting it done. I pray the rest of the week goes this well. Please be praying about me getting a job. I feel really peaceful about that too! I think I’m ready for one. I’ll miss being at home all the time, but I think I need some adult interaction. But where ever God leads me is fine, I’m ready to go!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Random...

So I’m sitting here with Ciara tonight watching her eat and it’s making me hungry. She says she’ll make me something but I don’t know what I want to eat. I’m not super hungry but hungry enough to know I want something. This has been my day; random. It’s been my theme for today; random. Nothing of great significance just random.

We went to get Danny’s hair cut today. It was getting too long for him to wear to work. He asked me to go with him (random idea) so I wouldn’t have to sit at the house by myself. The thought had a certain appeal to me because I was not liking the idea of sitting here all by myself. So I jumped in the truck and headed into town with him. There was no particular reason for me to go, but it seemed like the thing to do. What’s there to explain about a hair cut? He got his hair cut. Woohoo! Just kidding on that one, but it was uneventful.

After we left there he decides he wants to take me out for lunch (can we say random?). He was asking me about all these different places and I really didn’t care. We’re driving down Reno and we see this new place called “Basil” and it’s some Mediterranean place. I was a little leery because I love this one Middle Eastern place called “The Olive Branch” and I don’t see where any place could compare to it. So we go in there and eat and the place (this little random place) is wonderful! I’m talking, some seriously good food! It made my afternoon!

We left there and went to the feed store to get a couple bags of feed. We didn’t get that much, just enough to get us through next pay day. I didn’t unload anything per doctor’s orders! I was so proud of myself…that was incredibly hard not to do. But the horses got fed and the feed was unloaded and Danny simply knew I couldn’t do it.

I went and picked up Ciara and headed home. We didn’t do much other than the fact that she randomly gets this desire to clean the house and she helps me clean up the kitchen (yea that is completely rare and random). She’s such a good daughter. I’m so blessed to have a wonderful family. We went to church and it was a great service. I got home only to have Danny leaving for work. I miss him so much on the nights that he’s gone!

Well I’ve got to get headed to bed. I’m going to Ciara’s play tomorrow morning then I’m heading off to Tara’s house for our coffee date. It will prove to be a fun day. A very busy day, but a fun one. This has been random thoughts thrown together because my mind is running a million miles a minute. What can I say this is all just random events happening in a day in my oh so random life…

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Grrrr....

Well all I need is the MRI to confirm that I’ve torn my rotator cuff. I went in to my regular doctor today and he put me through an extremely painful examination and he thinks it’s probably torn. This was not the news I was looking for to say the very least. The last thing I want or need is another surgery! I’ve had enough to last me a lifetime and I’ve heard that those particular surgeries take a long time to recover from. What I really need is a job, but I know the Lord knows what He’s doing so I don’t want to second guess Him.

We went out to eat after we got out of the doctor’s office and it was so good! We went and had Pho and it really hit the spot. It was nice and warm and what made it especially nice is Brenna joined us for dinner. I was able to get back an outfit that I had loaned to her and just sit and get caught up on the latest stuff going on with her. She is doing well with her boyfriend and they seem to really be in love. We haven’t got to meet him yet, but he sounds like a wonderful guy. The fact that he’s a Christian doesn’t hurt matters either! Of course that’s what thrills Danny and I the most!

Danny and I are still disagreeing about what FaceBook is exactly about. He thinks the government can get on here and see everything we have going on, and while that may be true, who cares what I do with my day. I put this down because it’s therapeutic for me. I seriously doubt someone of great importance cares that I went to the doctor today with a possible rotator cuff tear. I doubt they are concerned with the fact that I have dirty dishes in my sink and a floor that needs to be vacuumed. And even if they do care, what in the world are they going to do with this information! How is that damaging in any way? Will it hurt the possibility of me getting a job? I doubt it, but if it does then I shouldn’t have had that job anyway! Can you hear the frustration in my typing? Can you tell how absolutely exasperated I am!? Grrrr!

Later on we are going down to Steve’s house for Nicky’s birthday party. Nicky is turning 11 today. I remember when he was just a baby and we were having his 1st birthday party. The kids are growing up so fast! You barely turn your head and they go from being babies to being almost as tall as you are. He and Ciara get along so well together! They love playing together and doing chores together. He’s going to grow up to be a good boy! Sometimes I wish they didn’t grow up quite so fast…

I think that’s all we have going on today. I didn’t sleep well at all last night and I’m already feeling tired. It felt like I was awake all night long. I swear I had to look at the clock every 30 minutes. I’m ready for a good night’s sleep tonight. I was almost tempted to ask for something to help me sleep, but I figured I didn’t really need that. If I just get up when I should and go to bed when I should, I bet I’d be able to sleep just fine. Well just sitting here this short amount of time has got my shoulder flared up. I don’t know what I’ll do if I have to have surgery. I won’t be able to type for awhile and they will leave me crazy! Hopefully that won’t be the case. Please keep those prayers going!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Crazy Long Weekend...

What a crazy and long weekend it was! I can’t believe it’s already the end of Monday and the week is just beginning! It wasn’t one of our greatest weekends, but I guess it wasn’t the worse. I’m not quite sure what to put on here anymore because recently I’ve gotten complaints that I share too much to too many people. I edited my notes page to where only four people can see it now. So if you’re reading this, you’re one of the lucky four! It made me mad. If you don’t want to see what’s going on in my life, then don’t read my blogs! I was told facebook isn’t for blogging. No, it’s for social interaction and I happen to have my blog set up to post on here, but it doesn’t mean you have to read it. Anyway, enough about that rant, because trust me I could go on for awhile!

I didn’t handle myself very well this weekend. I saw a person from my past and it really upset me, to the point of tears. This person hurt me very deeply and I would say permanently even though I’ve forgiven them the hurt doesn’t necessarily go away. I started having a panic attack and it didn’t go so well. I tried to hide it best I could. I don’t know how well I succeeded but I tried to act like everything was normal. When I got out into the car I just started bawling. Danny and Ciara both knew how upset I was and tried to console me the best way possible, but it was my own demons I had to deal with. That’s why I wrote the poem “Nightmare” on Saturday, because it was for me, a hellish day.

Sunday was somewhat better but not great. Shannon took Ciara and her friend to church with her and we started getting ready for church. In the process we got a call and it was Shannon saying she had been in a car accident and it was her fault. So we quickly jumped in the car and headed that way. No one was hurt, thank goodness, but the other persons car got pretty messed up. Shay, Ciara, and Destiny went on to church when we finished up, but Danny and I couldn’t because we were in our sloppy clothes that we just threw on to go to the accident in.

We were suppose to go get family pictures taken on Sunday but Brenna didn’t remember and Megan thought it was going to be another day so we showed up and no one else was there. So we were all dressed up with nowhere to go so we went to eat at Chili’s. The girls had already gotten lunch so it was Danny and I eating. My shoulder was killing me when we got home so I took my medicine and I was out for the evening. For some reason I was so tired (and it wasn’t because of the medicine because it’s the non-drowsy type) so I ended up sleeping the majority of the evening and through the night. It was nice but it made me feel incredibly lazy.

Right now (while I’m typing) I am getting the best back massage and it is so hard to concentrate! Ciara is so wonderful to me. This weekend when we were at the birthday party and we were around the demon from my past, she kept coming in to check on me and make sure I was doing ok. A few times she would pull me out of the room where they were and take me to another room so I wouldn’t be so nervous. I’m telling you I have the best daughter around! Anyway I’m getting a neck, shoulder, back massage all while I’m typing this and it feels so good! She is always so considerate of other people and I don’t think I’m being bias.

Well I guess I better get off here and go get me some rest. I was going to have a MRI on my shoulder tomorrow, but they had to move it to Friday. So tomorrow Danny and I are going to the doctor’s office (he needs to get his prescriptions refilled and I have to get this shoulder looked at again) and hopefully we get some good news. I hope everyone had a good weekend and you are doing well. As for me I am going to bed and hopefully get a good nights sleep…

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Nightmares...

Sometimes nightmares come in the light of day
Larger than life and won’t go away
They don’t wait for the dark of night
Taking you by surprise in the day’s light
You try to run but there’s nowhere to go
Just like dreams you move so slow
You shake your head trying to wake
While you think of the next move you should make
Somewhere safe you long to be
Anywhere but reality
Where can you run where can you hide
Your heart pounds and there’s a pain in your side
You can’t scream because they’ll hear
Panic seems to draw ever near
You tell yourself just to breathe
But an escape is what you really need
Soon the end must come
Before I completely come undone
Nightmares please leave me be
In the night and in reality
I don’t want them at any time
I want peace in this life of mine.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

I Pray I Did the Right Thing....

I pray I did the right thing…Last week my mom called me to see if she could get Ciara this Friday so they could exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I didn’t see where I could say no and not be a witch about it, so I said sure. In the mean time, we got invited to a birthday party for my little cousins on Saturday and my childhood abuser is going to be there. My counselor, Anita, doesn’t want me to be there at all because it always causes me flashbacks and I have horrible dreams and my depression gets worse.

So tomorrow is Friday and I called to confirm with my mom that Ciara would be going over there for a while to do the gift exchange. She said yes and that she would just pick her up after school. When I got off the phone I started thinking. Ciara hasn’t stayed the night with them in over two years and she loves them dearly. I started thinking about how excited she would be if I let her stay the night with my mom. Ciara never pushes for that kind of stuff, because she knows the relationship with me and my mom is bad. But if I did this, I wasn’t doing it for me or my mom, I was doing it for Ciara.

I asked Danny what he thought and he didn’t know what to say. He said it wouldn’t bother him if she stayed the night, but he wondered if they would start expecting that again (it use to be that Ciara would stay the night with them once a month because they demanded it and I was too scared to say no). He knew Ciara would love it too, but what would the end result be. So I called and asked Crystal (friend) what she thought. She has had a similar situation to what I’m going through so she really understands. I was wondering if I came up with this idea on my own, or if it was God prompting me to do it.

We weighed all aspects of Ciara going over there. If she stayed the night I wouldn’t have to go to the party on Saturday and be around my abuser, however, that leaves Ciara around him. Just the thought of that makes me cringe. But (there’s always that but) there are going to be so many people there and Ciara knows what happened to me as a child and she knows who did it, so do I really have anything to worry about? Crystal said she thought she would be well protected and so does Danny, so then it was time for prayer!

I prayed about it and I was still thinking I should let her stay the night with them tomorrow night. So I called my mom back and told her Danny and I had talked about it and we thought it would be easier for everyone if Ciara just stayed the night with them tomorrow. She just started crying. Ciara was jumping up and down and about tackled me when she ran up and hugged me. I have one happy little girl, but I am one concerned mommy.

I don’t think he will try anything with her and she will be well guarded. If I thought she would be in any trouble I wouldn’t send her! I won’t let the same thing happen to her that happened to me! But my heart is about to pound out of my chest and I’m shaking like a leaf. I still feel like I made the right decision, but I keep questioning myself. It will be a great thing for me not to go to the party and it will be a good thing for Ciara to go and be around the family. However, I’m still scared. I know the Lord will watch over her, but I want to be there to hold her hand and to watch her every movement. I want to watch his every movement, but then again I don’t want to see him. I feel so torn.

In other news, I turned in three more applications today for a job. I’m praying one comes quickly because we desperately need the money. I’m actually starting to look forward to having a job again. I will miss being at home, but I think I’m ready to start something part time. I know it will be a big relief for Danny too. I’m praying that the Lord opens the door He wants me to go through and closes all the ones I shouldn’t go through.

Please be in prayer for us. My shoulder is still hurting me so bad, that tomorrow I’m going back to the doctor to see when we can get this MRI set up. Danny is still having his headaches and I’m having a panic attack over this weekend. I don’t want to seem overly dramatic, but my past haunts me. I want to do right by all, but there is still that question of if I’m doing the right thing. Please tell me I’m not a bad mother…please tell me she will be safe and everything will be ok…please tell me I made the right decision for all concerning…please tell me I have nothing to worry about. Please….

Melissa Fitzwilliam

"I Love You" by Ciara Martin

Yesterday Ciara wrote a beautiful poem for my mom and grandma. She has such talent even with how young she is. She says she’s working on one for me so I can’t wait to see what it will be like. So here’s her poem…

I Love You

Every breath I take I take for you
All my skies that are gray have now turned blue
I wake up in the morning to see your face
Or your shiny blue eyes filled with grace
You make me laugh, you make me smile
Our time together is worth while
We’re bound together, we’re meant to be
We’re like sisters, you and me
And though you’re far you’re my shining star
You’ll always be locked in my heart
My heart is your home and always will be
You’re the one who holds the key
My heart is like an ocean filled with secrets
But you’re the one who knows how to reach it
Your love is unending and always will be
You’re the only one who can see past me
You’re my map in the woods, my light in the dark
The needle that seams my broken heart
God has chosen you
To pull me through
When I can’t make it on my own
It’s truly amazing the love you have shown
You’re beautiful, kind, breath taking too
What I’m trying to say is that I love you.
Ciara Martin

I thought she did a great job on this. I’m so proud of her and all that she is. I think she did an awesome job with this and I can’t wait to see her talent grow and unfold. She blesses my heart so much. I am one proud mommy!

Short and Sweet

Today was a great day! I’ll keep this short and sweet today because my shoulder is killing me. When the doctor worked on it yesterday it really flared it up. I didn’t blog yesterday because I was so tired last night I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. A brief review of yesterday; I went to see my doctor and they think I might have a tear in my rotator cuff. I went and applied for four different jobs, but I don’t know if I’ll get them. I came home and went to get hay with Danny. Then we came back home and I went to bed pretty early.

Today Charity came over for chocolate coffee. She brought two of her adorable children who are the best behaved and have wonderful manners. We talked over coffee and I made some cinnamon rolls and melted some chocolate in my melting pot. I put out strawberries, apples, oranges, and grapes to eat with it. We had a wonderful time visiting and we went to see all of the animals.


After she left I cleaned up a little bit and then it was off to get Ciara. I missed her so much this time while she was gone. I was ready to have her home. She was in a great mood when I picked her up and was talking my leg off. We came home and snuggled for a little bit, then she went and fed all the animals by herself today. I was so thankful because my shoulder is hurting me so very bad. Then I made dinner and we headed to church.

I ended up taking the max amount of pain medicine today because my right shoulder is hurting me so bad. It’s left me in somewhat of a fog and very sleepy. But I also feel a peace. Also Danny is staying home tonight because they had so many people working today that he didn’t need to go in. I think I’ve had enough of this wonderful day. I’m heading to bed with a pain patch and sleep like a baby tonight.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

For My Lord...

Where will today lead me
What will I do
Where will You take me
I long to follow You
I look to You for answers
I want to find Your way
I will seek You only
For all of my days
You are my source of joy
My forever Bride Groom
One day You will come for me
That day is coming soon
I wait for you patiently
Your face I long to see
I want to feel Your touch
As You hold me gently
You are all I need
You are my all in all
Everything I need is in You
You answer me when I call
How could I ask for more than Your love
When it’s the only thing I need
Nothing can satisfy me the way You do
I will follow where You lead
I serve a risen Savior
I serve the King of Kings
I love You with all my heart
On You I will always lean
I love You Lord with all that I am
I bow before Your throne
I humble myself before You
You call me Your own

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Another Day....

Well I’m assuming that today’s blog will be fairly short because it didn’t seem like there was a ton going on today. I did start my day really early because Danny had to be at the doctor’s at 7:40 this morning to get the shot in his head. It ended up being a pretty neat thing because there were a state senator there and a state representative there to watch the procedure. They are trying to get legislation passed to where only certified doctors can do this shot which I think is a great thing! So Danny got the shot and it seemed to start helping right away.

After that we headed to Anita’s office. This was the first time Danny went with me and I think he had a good time seeing how well I was doing. We talked about a party coming up this weekend at my mom’s house that I don’t want to go to and ideas on how to get out of it. In the end we decided to go but to have an escape plan to cut out early. I’m also thinking about looking for a part time job, but I don’t know where God is leading me yet. I was thinking about something in retail, but I’m just not sure yet.

Then we headed to the herbal store to get some vitamins for Danny and me. I just love that store! If I were rich I could stay in there forever and be the healthiest person you would know. But since I’m not rich I just got my one bottle of magnesium and called it good. Then we headed home and we were both pretty wore out from getting up so early.

I started cleaning right away. I knew Pastor Don and Jean would be coming over tonight. I still had to move furniture around in the living room and clean up the kitchen and the dining room. Then I sat down and got caught up on my Bible reading. Tara gave me this daily reading for the Bible and it’s working out so great. With this I should be able to get through the entire Bible this year with no problem. When I got done I decided to do something fun and I danced on DDR for awhile and the boys came up and played with me for awhile. After that I was so wore out I laid down and took an hour and a half nap.

I got up and had me a little chili for dinner and finished picking up the kitchen. Jean called and asked if it would be a good time to come over and I said sure. So they came over and visited for a little while and we taught them how to play Farkle. We had a good time and now we have another couple to play dice with. As they were leaving Danny went down to feed the horses and now we are getting ready to watch “Chuck” on TV. After we’re done watching that I’ll probably watch “The Bachelor” and call it an evening. It seemed like a busy day, but in retrospect I guess it wasn’t as busy as I thought. I was happy to get caught up on readying my Bible and I might just do some Bible study before I head to bed. We’ll see…

Melissa Fitzwilliam

She Learned About Rainbows!

Today was another productive day! I’ve been trying to keep myself up and going and getting as much as I can accomplished. It seems when I do this I do feel better about my day and I don’t feel so lazy. It also helps me think that there is a reason that I stay at home and not make me feel so guilty about not having a job.

I got up this morning and got ready for church. I really do love Sundays and getting to spend time with my family in Christ. They always uplift me and let me know just how much I am loved. Today I was teaching the little ones and they are always so much fun! They make me smile and it’s such a joy to be able to teach them. After I taught we went in the fellowship hall and started taking down the Christmas tree in there. We had some great conversation and some pretty good coffee too (although it wasn’t chocolate). I stayed for quite a while, but all the un-decorating at the church made me realize I needed to do it in my own house.

I came home and made Danny and I some lunch then I got busy. We had so much Christmas stuff up that I thought it would day me two days to get it all down. But I really wanted it done today. With a little help (and I mean little) I was able to get it all down today! There are still a few boxes of stuff in the house but it got so dark that it will have to wait until tomorrow to go out to the shed. I still think I got so much accomplished and I feel better about the house. Now the only thing that needs to be done is a general vacuuming and straitening and the house will be done!

When I got done I headed down to Tanya’s house to visit for awhile and we had a good time. Then I headed back to the house waiting a call from one of my very best friends! Crystal had texted me earlier saying she had felt like God was wanting her to read her Bible. She’s doesn’t go to church because she works seven days a week so time doesn’t permit her to go. This is a huge step for her! I just got off the phone with her and her highlight of the day was learning why we have rainbows! She learned it was God’s promise to us never to flood the earth again and she had not known that. My heart is so blessed by this because I have been praying for her so hard lately (and all my FB friends too!). It’s great to see God bring about blessings from my prayers and to see them answered so quickly. I will continue to pray for all of you and that God blesses you richly.

I’m off to bed now. We have to be at the doctor’s at 7:40 in the morning for Danny to get another shot in the base of his skull. We are praying that this one works better than the others and hopefully it will cure his headache. As for me I am pleased with my day! Why you ask…because she learned about rainbows!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Yesterday....

Yesterday ended up being a very productive day. I was actually able to get up at a decent hour and get started with my day. Of course when I say get started with my day, I mean get on the computer. This thing has me within its grip! (lol) I think I’m as addicted to the computer as I am to my chocolate coffee. The thought of going a day without either is just flat scary hehe.

Then I got myself dressed and headed off to the store. We had made plans to have Danny’s family up for chili last night and there were a few things I still needed to get. Fifty dollars later I was checking out and heading back home to get the chili on. The onion that I chopped up to go in the chili was so strong that it made me cry and typically they don’t do that to me. Danny helped me open the rest of the cans and we put everything in a huge pot and set it on low so it could simmer all day. I had it on by 1:00 and we weren’t planning on having dinner until 6:00 or so. There was plenty of time for it to cook and get all yummy.

I was feeling very convicted yesterday about my non-walk with God and He really laid some stuff on my heart. So while I was on the computer He moved me to write a new poem “A Change of Heart”. There is so much I need to change about myself and the first is a better walk with God. He continued to convict me even after that. I always seem so busy, though I think I can make myself as busy as I want to be. So “I’m Busy” came from the conviction of the fact that I fill my life with so my “stuff” that steals my time that in the end I don’t have time for God. So I got off the computer with a sense of purpose. I read my Bible, I wrote in my prayer journal, and started in on the house.

I still didn’t have hot water in the kitchen so it was back to heating up water in the tea kettle on the stove. I got the dishes in the dish drainer put away (and there was a ton of them) and started washing everything that was in the dishwasher since it wasn’t working without the hot water. I did a general cleaning of the kitchen and felt better when it was done.

Then I started in on laundry. Danny had started a load and there was a load that needed to be folded and put away so I got that done. I cleaned up the living room and straightened it up. Danny wanted to go ahead and feed the horses and I took on the rabbits. Their water was frozen solid in both containers. So I brought them in and had to hold them under straight hot water in the tub to get them thawed. It took me over twenty minutes to get them thawed and they aren’t big containers. Anyway I think the other doe is pregnant and we should have another litter soon. Hopefully this litter will make it.

I came in (and man was it cold out there!) and looked around my still decorated Christmas house and just groaned. It’s been too cold to get out in the shed and get all the boxes in to get it undecorated. So rather than worry about it I started vacuuming the house. The only problem is that something seems to be stuck in the vacuum and it’s so loud! So I took the bottom off to see if I could get it out and I couldn’t. By the time I got finished the motor was starting to get hot and you could smell and slight burning odor. Danny cleaned up his bathroom and I kept on with laundry. We got so much accomplished that I felt good about my day.

Stevie and Nicky came up to the house and wanted to play on the xBox. I hadn’t played DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) in forever so we plugged that in and I started a little workout session. The boys looked so funny on the mats and bless their hearts they have no rhythm. I didn’t do so hot myself because it’s been so long since I’ve played that I’ve gotten really rusty. I plan on playing on it again today and hopefully burn some more calories. Heaven knows I need it!

Then the family came up and we ate chili and played Farkle. Steve (brother-in-law) was being so ornery, it was so funny. After writing what a great guy he is yesterday I’m almost tempted to reveal his true devious side lol. We had a fun time and I played until around 10:00. Then Ciara gave me a call and she needed to vent for awhile.

Ciara calls her step-mom Stasha because frankly Ciara knows it’s not her mommy. She still feels that loyalty to me that she doesn’t want to call her anything but her given name. Well Ciara has a two year old sister and I guess the little sister called her mom Stasha. Well Ciara got in trouble and was told she had to start calling Stasha mom so Caroline (sister) didn’t get confused. Ciara was so mad and frustrated she was ready to cry. She was ready to tell them she was leaving and come home early to me. I had to agree with her that it wasn’t right but there’s not anything I can do about it. When they do that, I don’t think they realize all its doing is causing a deep resentment. So we talked on the phone for almost two hours before she felt better. Bless her heart!

Then it was bed time. I made a few chocolate covered strawberries with my chocolate melter and it was my midnight snack. The boys were still up here playing on the xBox so I went to bed by myself. It was a good day with so much getting done. I felt weird not blogging about it last night, but I was tired and ready for bed. So that was my day yesterday and I need to get started on my day today. Blogging twice in a day is a great thing! I didn’t mean for this one to be so long (they always are anymore), but I guess I just didn’t realize how much happened yesterday. Hopefully today will be as productive as yesterday was!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

I'm Busy....

I write about my daily events, but rarely do I write about my relationship with God. Maybe that’s because I’m ashamed that I do so little with Him. I have back slid. There’s no excuse for it, but I can tell you where it begun. When I got my job with John and Renee I thought I didn’t have the time to devote to God that I had once had because I was busy; busy being a worker of the world and not of Christ. I was busy being a wife to my husband and not a wife to the Church that is the bride of Christ. I was busy being a mom and not a child of God. Yes I was busy; too busy to be bothered by a relationship with my Savior. Where I had done nightly prayer journaling, if faded away because I needed sleep. Rather than read my Bible every night, I was busy doing computer work from home. Yes I was busy.

I have come to realize that the evil one fills our lives with so much to do and keeps us busy so we don’t make time for God. Whether it’s working outside the home, being a wife, a mom, being a housewife, we all have things that we “must do”. We must accomplish this or that, rather than devoting ourselves to Jesus. He should be my most paramount priority, and I’m ashamed to say He’s not. Maybe I take for granted that He’s always there waiting for me. But I leave Him there waiting and waiting while I go on with my daily life. Yes I am busy. I busy being on the computer, updating my Facebook, my Myspace, and of course blogging. Rather than spending time with Him right now, I’m writing on how I don’t. Yes I need a change of heart.

This morning while I was thinking over my “busy life” it occurred to me that I’m not as busy as I would like to think. Yes I do laundry, wash dishes, clean the house, devote time to my family, and “play” on the computer. But in that time I cut God out of a relationship that should be growing and flourishing. I’m the only one to blame. God hasn’t moved, I have. I’m moved on to “bigger things”, that require all my time, so I tell myself. Maybe I tell myself this so I don’t feel so guilty for leaving Him behind. But in reality it doesn’t take away my guilt. I continually beat myself up, yet there is a complacency there. I’m not apathetic towards God, I’m just busy.

I keep thinking one day He’s going to give up on me and not be there anymore. Now I know this isn’t true because I am His child and He’ll never leave me or forsake me. Yet the fear is there none the less. I think the evil one uses fear and complacency there to keep us from Him. God gently corrects us and doesn’t beat us up. That’s the enemy’s job. The enemy daily goes before God and accuses us of everything that we do that is wrong. However, because of the blood of Christ (that He shed for me) all sins are forgiven. I can’t buy into the lies of the evil one. I must believe God and all that He promises that He is and what He’ll do and what He is doing.

I guess I need to get off here and get busy. Yes, there is that word again. But I need to get busy doing a Bible study, reading my Bible, journaling in my prayer journal. Yes I need to get busy growing closer to God by doing what I can do. Yes I need to get busy!

Melissa Fitzwilliam