I Pray I Did the Right Thing....

I pray I did the right thing…Last week my mom called me to see if she could get Ciara this Friday so they could exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I didn’t see where I could say no and not be a witch about it, so I said sure. In the mean time, we got invited to a birthday party for my little cousins on Saturday and my childhood abuser is going to be there. My counselor, Anita, doesn’t want me to be there at all because it always causes me flashbacks and I have horrible dreams and my depression gets worse.

So tomorrow is Friday and I called to confirm with my mom that Ciara would be going over there for a while to do the gift exchange. She said yes and that she would just pick her up after school. When I got off the phone I started thinking. Ciara hasn’t stayed the night with them in over two years and she loves them dearly. I started thinking about how excited she would be if I let her stay the night with my mom. Ciara never pushes for that kind of stuff, because she knows the relationship with me and my mom is bad. But if I did this, I wasn’t doing it for me or my mom, I was doing it for Ciara.

I asked Danny what he thought and he didn’t know what to say. He said it wouldn’t bother him if she stayed the night, but he wondered if they would start expecting that again (it use to be that Ciara would stay the night with them once a month because they demanded it and I was too scared to say no). He knew Ciara would love it too, but what would the end result be. So I called and asked Crystal (friend) what she thought. She has had a similar situation to what I’m going through so she really understands. I was wondering if I came up with this idea on my own, or if it was God prompting me to do it.

We weighed all aspects of Ciara going over there. If she stayed the night I wouldn’t have to go to the party on Saturday and be around my abuser, however, that leaves Ciara around him. Just the thought of that makes me cringe. But (there’s always that but) there are going to be so many people there and Ciara knows what happened to me as a child and she knows who did it, so do I really have anything to worry about? Crystal said she thought she would be well protected and so does Danny, so then it was time for prayer!

I prayed about it and I was still thinking I should let her stay the night with them tomorrow night. So I called my mom back and told her Danny and I had talked about it and we thought it would be easier for everyone if Ciara just stayed the night with them tomorrow. She just started crying. Ciara was jumping up and down and about tackled me when she ran up and hugged me. I have one happy little girl, but I am one concerned mommy.

I don’t think he will try anything with her and she will be well guarded. If I thought she would be in any trouble I wouldn’t send her! I won’t let the same thing happen to her that happened to me! But my heart is about to pound out of my chest and I’m shaking like a leaf. I still feel like I made the right decision, but I keep questioning myself. It will be a great thing for me not to go to the party and it will be a good thing for Ciara to go and be around the family. However, I’m still scared. I know the Lord will watch over her, but I want to be there to hold her hand and to watch her every movement. I want to watch his every movement, but then again I don’t want to see him. I feel so torn.

In other news, I turned in three more applications today for a job. I’m praying one comes quickly because we desperately need the money. I’m actually starting to look forward to having a job again. I will miss being at home, but I think I’m ready to start something part time. I know it will be a big relief for Danny too. I’m praying that the Lord opens the door He wants me to go through and closes all the ones I shouldn’t go through.

Please be in prayer for us. My shoulder is still hurting me so bad, that tomorrow I’m going back to the doctor to see when we can get this MRI set up. Danny is still having his headaches and I’m having a panic attack over this weekend. I don’t want to seem overly dramatic, but my past haunts me. I want to do right by all, but there is still that question of if I’m doing the right thing. Please tell me I’m not a bad mother…please tell me she will be safe and everything will be ok…please tell me I made the right decision for all concerning…please tell me I have nothing to worry about. Please….

Melissa Fitzwilliam