I’m frustrated right now. Very, very frustrated!! And I can’t talk about it!! Why? Because it’s just too personal for a blog or facebook. What I’m realizing is maybe I’ve put too much personal stuff out there on my blog. I don’t know, but something has got to give. I was told before that I put too much information on here and I kind of blew it off, but now I’m having second thoughts. I’m having second thoughts about a lot of things. What? Well, I wonder what is my point on facebook? Am I so self absorbed that I think other people actually care about what happens in my day? And this blog, it’s not impacting anyone, it almost has no purpose other than provide me a place to vent. I’m thinking about canceling the importation from the blog to facebook and maybe put my blog on private. I don’t know. What I do know, is I’m not sure anymore. Maybe this is the depression talking, again I don’t know or maybe I’ve finally gotten fed up with just some little (big to me) things.
I thought I would clear up some questions about my upcoming surgery. There is a clinic down in Florida that does laser surgeries that Tara is going to go to. However, my insurance doesn’t cover it and it’s way too expensive for us to do. The three different doctors that I’ve talked to said it wouldn’t be an option further because my spinal cord is pushed so far to the right that it needs to be surgically repaired. It’s a scary thing to be for sure!!! There are two different options they’ve given to me but they both require surgery. One is an experimental procedure where the spine isn’t fused per say, but manipulated in some way that I would still have total movement but I don’t know if my health care will cover something experimental. He said if the experimental procedure didn’t work they could always go back and fuse it. The other option is to fuse it of course. I think I would like to try the experimental procedure if insurance would cover it, but we are awaiting approval for the surgery right now. They said if I don’t have this surgery it’s just a matter of time before I lose complete function of my right arm and I chance becoming paralyzed if I were to get hit in the head with the way my spinal cord is bent. Yes I’m awfully young to be considering this procedure, however, I’ve sought out three different opinions and they all say the same thing. So there you go! I hope this is a better explanation of the procedure and why I have to have it. I’m very optimistic about it. I will be in the hands of the best doctor in the state of Oklahoma! God will see me through this.
There’s not much other news. I still need to clean my house especially before this surgery, but I’m wondering if I need to go back to Misty and get my medicines tweaked again. I just don’t have the drive to do anything. I did cook for the first time in months the other night and Danny was so excited and that is so very sad. I know he would be super excited to come home to me cleaning rather than me blogging but what’s a girl suppose to do? I’m going to try to quit smoking yet again. I feel like a complete failure every time I pick one up. The doctor’s said I would heal better if I wasn’t smoking and Ciara just begs me to quit. I know it’s bad for me, but I have to tell you I totally believe now (to where I didn’t before) that it is a true addiction. I hate the thought of being addicted to something and letting something else control my life. So here we go again. I’m praying really hard that the Lord delivers me from this and once and for all I can be smoke-free. I have other things weighing heavy on my mind, but again for my sake I won’t share it. I will pray about it instead. I think I know what I should and need to do, now it’s just a matter of doing it. Well Danny’s home so I better get off of here. Blessings to you all!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
This Too Shall Pass
Can I take this first paragraph to just complain? I don’t feel good!!! I haven’t felt good for almost two weeks, if not longer! My stomach hurts me almost all the time now! I’m glad the doctors finally figured out what was going on but now I wonder how long this will last? I’m constantly nauseous and no amount of medicine seems to change that. I’ve stopped throwing up but I still feel like I need to all the time and nausea just wears you out!!! Not only is my stomach bothering me but so is my neck! I have a headache that never seems to go away and sharp pains that shoot down both arms almost constantly. I’m ready for my neck surgery in one breath but in the other one I’m scared to death! A neck fusion is a massive deal! I’m too young to have as many problems as I have! I feel older than what I am and it’s no fun! I haven’t complained near as much as I want to but I’m sure you don’t want to hear me whine through a whole blog, so I’ll stop short of all the things I really want to say.
First things first, we now have a new manager at The Buckle. Her name is Teshina and she is nice enough. However, she’s not Natalie!!! I am already really upset with her and it’s just her first week in! I was late on Friday because I was majorly sick! But I knew I needed to go in so I got up and got myself around. I asked her what time she preferred for me to come in and she said 1:00 and I told her that was fine. Well I ended up getting sicker while I was at work and asked her if I could come in on Saturday to finish doing freight and she said that was fine. So I got up and was at the store around 1:00 and she told me I should have been in when the store opened since she let me go early the day before. So she asks me what she can do to help me be on time. I told her that being on time wasn’t a problem and she said apparently it was since I was late to work two days in a row. I told her I was here at 1:00 and she said I had told her I would be in when the store opened the day before. I don’t remember saying that but whatever! So she decides she needs to put me on probation, it’s called the commitment program, since I was late in her mind. I was so mad! I come in early, stay late, and do things that aren’t on my responsibility and she wants to put me on probation! That’s ridiculous! To say I’m upset is a major understatement!!!! Again she seems nice enough, but I question her ability to be able to lead the team effectively and balance everything that needs to be done at the store. And on top of that she is talking negatively about Natalie and I can’t stand that! Sigh…yes I know more complaining but this just makes me boil!!!
In other news, as most of you now know I spent the better part of last week in the ER at the hospital for severe pains in my stomach. They tried so many different things to help with the nausea and the vomiting but nothing seemed to work. They finally sent me to a GI Specialist where Dr. Bookman did a upper GI endoscopy. What they find when they got inside my stomach was just nasty! My stomach is what they call impacted which means that I have undigested food sitting in my stomach not moving. It keeps the other food from staying down and causes the acid in my stomach to curdle. Gross I know!!! However they were thinking it was a bleeding ulcer which would have been much harder to make go away, so there are blessings in what I have. They have me on so much medication right now it’s not even funny! I think we spent over $100.00 at the pharmacy last week alone! So of the medication helps some of it doesn’t but I take it all the way I’m supposed to. I have to go see Dr. Becker this next week to follow up with him and let him know what Dr. Bookman found. Maybe then he can change up my medicines some so I don’t have to take so many.
In other just wonderful news, I need neck surgery. A neck fusion to be exact. Apparently when I took that fall on the kid’s toy I did a huge number on my neck. C4 is bulging pretty badly and C5 is completely herniated on the side and in the back and is causing my spinal cord to curve to the right pretty badly. The doctor’s are saying that a neck fusion is my only option at this point in time. I don’t know which levels they are going to fuse yet but I go to Dr. Kelly tomorrow to find out and to schedule surgery. I’m hoping to get it done as soon as possible so I can be up and around for the holidays! It makes me just want to kick myself for ever climbing on that toy!!! Now I have headaches constantly and pains that shoot down my arms and into my hands. Last night was a miserable night because I couldn’t get past the pain to go to sleep. I ended up going to sleep on the couch (didn’t want to keep Danny up with all my tossing and turning) around 3:00 and slept there for a few hours. I finally woke up and went back to bed and at some point we lost power. I was supposed to teach the kids today at church but my alarm never went off to get me up so I overslept so late that church had already started when I finally woke up. Sigh…not the way I wanted to start my day!!!
The house is a complete mess and I can’t get any help keeping it clean and with me being sick here lately it’s the last thing I wanted to do! Besides that I’ve been down here lately and all I can think it would be is my depression. Misty changed my medicines and Danny said he’s noticed that I’ve been regressing again. I don’t cook, I don’t clean because frankly, I don’t care! The girls are embarrassed to have anyone come over to the house and I don’t blame them. I’m embarrassed about my house but still can’t bring myself to clean it. I look around here and all I want to do is cry! I’ve got to shake this and just get up and start cleaning. I just don’t want to! Anymore I don’t want to do anything!!!! So it has to be my depression! I wish I could go back to where I was a year ago and my house was almost spotless!! When Brenna lived with us all I did was clean and cook! I was happier then, but I don’t know why. This depression seems to come in waves. I cycle on it and right now I happen to be in a bad place.
Other than that things are ok I guess. Shay turned 18 and I cried like a baby that day! Ciara is fixing to turn 13 and it blows my mind!! So much change and I’m just not ready for it! Right now Danny’s out of work because a guy hit our trailer and destroyed it and now we’re waiting for insurance to come through and fix it. It’s been stressful. There have been more downs than ups lately and they are taking their toll on me. We’re both feeling the stress and that makes us both very grumpy people. I wish I could sit here and write about how wonderful things are but that would just be a lie. Things aren’t great but I know God is good all the time. I’m trying to praise Him in all things but it’s not easy right now. I pray all of you are doing better than me. I pray for you all daily! I pray His mighty hand will pull me out of this funk that I’m in right now. I know He has only good planned for me, but there are times I just don’t see how this road I’m on is for my best. Yes, I question Him and I shouldn’t!!! I just pray this is a passing phase. Yes, this too shall pass! Just not soon enough for me!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
First things first, we now have a new manager at The Buckle. Her name is Teshina and she is nice enough. However, she’s not Natalie!!! I am already really upset with her and it’s just her first week in! I was late on Friday because I was majorly sick! But I knew I needed to go in so I got up and got myself around. I asked her what time she preferred for me to come in and she said 1:00 and I told her that was fine. Well I ended up getting sicker while I was at work and asked her if I could come in on Saturday to finish doing freight and she said that was fine. So I got up and was at the store around 1:00 and she told me I should have been in when the store opened since she let me go early the day before. So she asks me what she can do to help me be on time. I told her that being on time wasn’t a problem and she said apparently it was since I was late to work two days in a row. I told her I was here at 1:00 and she said I had told her I would be in when the store opened the day before. I don’t remember saying that but whatever! So she decides she needs to put me on probation, it’s called the commitment program, since I was late in her mind. I was so mad! I come in early, stay late, and do things that aren’t on my responsibility and she wants to put me on probation! That’s ridiculous! To say I’m upset is a major understatement!!!! Again she seems nice enough, but I question her ability to be able to lead the team effectively and balance everything that needs to be done at the store. And on top of that she is talking negatively about Natalie and I can’t stand that! Sigh…yes I know more complaining but this just makes me boil!!!
In other news, as most of you now know I spent the better part of last week in the ER at the hospital for severe pains in my stomach. They tried so many different things to help with the nausea and the vomiting but nothing seemed to work. They finally sent me to a GI Specialist where Dr. Bookman did a upper GI endoscopy. What they find when they got inside my stomach was just nasty! My stomach is what they call impacted which means that I have undigested food sitting in my stomach not moving. It keeps the other food from staying down and causes the acid in my stomach to curdle. Gross I know!!! However they were thinking it was a bleeding ulcer which would have been much harder to make go away, so there are blessings in what I have. They have me on so much medication right now it’s not even funny! I think we spent over $100.00 at the pharmacy last week alone! So of the medication helps some of it doesn’t but I take it all the way I’m supposed to. I have to go see Dr. Becker this next week to follow up with him and let him know what Dr. Bookman found. Maybe then he can change up my medicines some so I don’t have to take so many.
In other just wonderful news, I need neck surgery. A neck fusion to be exact. Apparently when I took that fall on the kid’s toy I did a huge number on my neck. C4 is bulging pretty badly and C5 is completely herniated on the side and in the back and is causing my spinal cord to curve to the right pretty badly. The doctor’s are saying that a neck fusion is my only option at this point in time. I don’t know which levels they are going to fuse yet but I go to Dr. Kelly tomorrow to find out and to schedule surgery. I’m hoping to get it done as soon as possible so I can be up and around for the holidays! It makes me just want to kick myself for ever climbing on that toy!!! Now I have headaches constantly and pains that shoot down my arms and into my hands. Last night was a miserable night because I couldn’t get past the pain to go to sleep. I ended up going to sleep on the couch (didn’t want to keep Danny up with all my tossing and turning) around 3:00 and slept there for a few hours. I finally woke up and went back to bed and at some point we lost power. I was supposed to teach the kids today at church but my alarm never went off to get me up so I overslept so late that church had already started when I finally woke up. Sigh…not the way I wanted to start my day!!!
The house is a complete mess and I can’t get any help keeping it clean and with me being sick here lately it’s the last thing I wanted to do! Besides that I’ve been down here lately and all I can think it would be is my depression. Misty changed my medicines and Danny said he’s noticed that I’ve been regressing again. I don’t cook, I don’t clean because frankly, I don’t care! The girls are embarrassed to have anyone come over to the house and I don’t blame them. I’m embarrassed about my house but still can’t bring myself to clean it. I look around here and all I want to do is cry! I’ve got to shake this and just get up and start cleaning. I just don’t want to! Anymore I don’t want to do anything!!!! So it has to be my depression! I wish I could go back to where I was a year ago and my house was almost spotless!! When Brenna lived with us all I did was clean and cook! I was happier then, but I don’t know why. This depression seems to come in waves. I cycle on it and right now I happen to be in a bad place.
Other than that things are ok I guess. Shay turned 18 and I cried like a baby that day! Ciara is fixing to turn 13 and it blows my mind!! So much change and I’m just not ready for it! Right now Danny’s out of work because a guy hit our trailer and destroyed it and now we’re waiting for insurance to come through and fix it. It’s been stressful. There have been more downs than ups lately and they are taking their toll on me. We’re both feeling the stress and that makes us both very grumpy people. I wish I could sit here and write about how wonderful things are but that would just be a lie. Things aren’t great but I know God is good all the time. I’m trying to praise Him in all things but it’s not easy right now. I pray all of you are doing better than me. I pray for you all daily! I pray His mighty hand will pull me out of this funk that I’m in right now. I know He has only good planned for me, but there are times I just don’t see how this road I’m on is for my best. Yes, I question Him and I shouldn’t!!! I just pray this is a passing phase. Yes, this too shall pass! Just not soon enough for me!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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