The holidays are here again, yet even with history as it is, this year will prove to be the same and different. While all the other holidays I knew I wasn't want there, for I'm just a reminder of all the hurt your heart holds on to. But this year I won't be there, no visual reminders will be before you, just an empty space to serve as proof that I won't be there. As much as all the past years have hurt me in their own way, this year promises new hurts that I have no desire to feel. I try not to feel responsible for the rending of a once happy family, yet in this family that has been my place, it has been what has defined me. Yet as I've grown up telling myself that it is all my fault, I am becoming more aware that our family was broken before my supposed destructing blow. So this year you can be free, you don't have to feel the sting of me. No instead there will be an absence of all that is wrong, all that has destroyed this family of ours. But my holidays will be different from yours, because while I won't feel the pressure that has filled my holidays for so long, they will be marked with an emptiness that I would give anything to fill. I'm beginning to understand I can't mend a brokenness that I did not cause, but that is no comfort for an unrequited love. Simply put, I love you and none of your words or actions to push me away can change that. Maybe that's what makes us so different. While my presence reminds you of hurts, your presence reminds me that as long as I believe that God still works miracles there is still hope for us. They all say it is the season for miracles and how I've waited for one for so long now. A restoration of all that is broken, a healing for all the hurt, I have a feeling the one thing that will accompany my holidays this year, as in the years past, is the tears that have come for so long now. I will fix my part of dinner that won't be shared with you, I will sit in my place with my head bowed in prayer of thanks, yet with that prayer is a prayer for you, for a miracle. I will decorate the tree with ornaments, lights, and tinsel, and listen to the songs meant to fill the heart with joy. Yet even in those moments I will look back to the years when we laughed and shared those precious moments together. I will wrap presents, write cards, and share laughs and love with others, yet there will be the thought that this year you won't be a part of that; bittersweet in so many ways. So this holiday season I will be praying for you, sending you wishes of joy, happiness, and love from afar. I will look to the sky above knowing that we share the same starry nights, the colder air with breaths that we see, and while those are small I can only hope that just maybe as you look above, you are thinking of me like I am thinking of you. If I was given the chance to express myself to you this year, I would want you to know that no matter what I still love you, I still long for us to come together with smiles and hearts overflowing with love and joy. If I were given a chance to ask Santa for one last thing, it would be a reunion for you and me. While you will probably never know these holidays' wishes of mine, they are there. So happy holidays, I wish I could wrap up my love and send it to you, but instead I will pray God will show all that I wish I could but can't.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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