Where Are You Christmas?...

As I sit here looking at my partially decorated house, I try to find the spirit of Christmas within my soul. It’s still in the house as Danny has gone to work and the house is empty of all the girls. It makes me incredibly sad to be doing this on my own. I wonder if this is a picture of what is to come as the girls continue to grow up. I remember the times when all the girls would come over and we would decorate the tree together. Brenna and I would make homemade hot chocolate and we would break out the pretty Christmas glasses and drink to happy times. Then when the tree was done we would shut off all the lights in the house and just stare at the beautiful tree. Then we would all go outside and look at it through the window and it was like a picture out of a movie. Those moments are forever frozen in my memory, engraved on my heart. Then we would all curl up on the couch and snuggle as we watched “The Grinch that Stole Christmas” with Jim Carey. I won’t watch the movie this year because it just wouldn’t be right to watch it without the girls here. I made me a cup of instant hot chocolate and it made me cry.

My soul longs to find that find that feeling of Christmas. The joy of Christmas can only be found within the heart that’s filled with love. It reminds me of the song “Where Are You Christmas” by Faith Hill. It’s one of my all time favorite songs at Christmas time as I go in search for that elusive Christmas spirit. It normally comes around when I watch “The Nativity Story”. Maybe I’ll put that movie in tonight, but it hardly seems right when I’m all by myself. I remember one particular Christmas that the spirit of it was bursting inside of me. My joy was contagious as was my smile. You’ll not find a smile tonight, only tears. I don’t think the girls realize just how much I miss them. I miss their laughter and their smiles. It warms my heart just to think about it. I won’t put the angel on the tree because that is Danny’s job and I have to leave something the same.

So when I get off here I’m sure I’ll start going through more boxes and unpacking all the decorations. However, my mind will be replaying all the cold evenings when I didn’t do this by myself. I’ll remember all the times I was surrounded by my family and joy pulsed through the room. Not my happiest of writings, but I never promised all happy times. My heart is longing for the past if but for a moment. I also remember Christmas’s with my mom that were so wonderful. Nights like tonight make me miss that so very much. However, living in the past takes away the present blessings God is waiting to bestow on me.

The whole reason we celebrate this wonderful season is the birth of our precious Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the only gift I need tonight. I don’t need to long for days past, but be content to live here in the moment. He supplies all my needs and longs to give me the joy my heart so longs for. He is the Spirit of Christmas, the very essence of it. So maybe tonight I’ll sit down with my Bible and read over the first Christmas ever. I’ll think of what Mary must have felt holding the Son of God. I wonder what her first lullaby was to Him? I wonder what His cry sounded like. The cry of God here on earth. Did she understand that the birth of Christ was to give life to the rest of us through His death and resurrection? Yes this is the meaning of Christmas; the birth of a small baby, a gift to us all. In that is the greatest joy of all. So may God find my heart soft and my spirit light. May He find me with the Spirit of Christmas permeating my very being. Christmas is here and if we live life right the joy of it never fades away. May all of our hearts be filled with the Spirit of Christmas, may our hearts be light, and our souls filled with joy.

Melissa Fitzwilliam