She's Really Gone...

I still can’t believe Maxine is gone. I know it should be easy to accept, but I didn’t even know she was doing that badly. I’m still frustrated with the situation but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. For some reason I keep thinking if I would have done just a little more, maybe things wouldn’t be this way, but the truth is I really did do all that I could. No one person can save a relationship all by themselves. A relationship consists of two people and it takes both of them to make it work. I can’t keep beating myself up when I’ve done all I can do. But I’m still mad that they refuse to make the effort that could fix this whole thing. At this point I think both of us have dug our feet in and refused to be moved. I won’t be moved because I believe my husband is my number one priority here on earth followed by my kids. I believe whole heartedly that it is what God would have me to do. When I said my vows I said forsaking all others and unfortunately it came to that. Most of the vows you say in the wedding ceremony are for the extreme moments so I guess these counts as some of those moments. I did talk to Ciara last night trying to get her to understand the situation. However, she just doesn’t understand. Maybe she’s too young yet, but there are certain truths she should be able to recognize. I tried reasoning with her and putting them on her level, but I can see that now and in the future, there will be things we just disagree about. Maybe God will put the burden on her heart to keep her family first and I hope He does. Then maybe she can understand where I’m coming from. In the mean time I think I just need to be still and know He is God. He can handle all things and He knew this would happen before I did. He will be there to comfort my soul and see me through this. I am learning as far as they’re concerned there is no such thing as a common courtesy. I won’t be notified of illnesses or sicknesses. I must accept this and come to a peace about it. Peace is all I can seek at this moment because there is no way I will ever be able to understand it. I have determined I won’t let this affect my holidays. I won’t allow them to have that power over me. I am responsible for myself and my actions and I only answer to God. As long as I keep myself aligned with His will for my life and seek Him in all things I will be ok. Peace can be an elusive feeling to have. I wonder how people have peace in all things. I wonder how you give thanks in all things. Right now I don’t have a peace and I try to see what I can give thanks for about the situation. I pray God gives me clarity about this and directs my heart in the way it should go. My reliance is on Him and Him alone. I won’t let their poison affect me, because in the end it is my choice what I let affect me and what I don’t. I must forgive them most of all. Again forgiveness is a choice and they don’t have to ask for it in order for me to give it. That’s my prayer for today; that I may find peace, give thanksgiving, and forgive. It’s a tall order for one day, but with the help from Christ I can do this.

Melissa Fitzwilliam