I was sure this wasn’t the answer. I asked so many times why, praying with all I had for You to change Your mind. I did everything I knew to make it better. Providence had another plan, one of a heart broken. Not just broken, but shattered, tiny shards, so small that you would never recognize it as a heart. With all the tears that flow, they make pieces appear multiplied, because nothing looks the same through the blurred kaleidoscope of sadness that falls, manifesting a river down my cheeks. The words didn’t just cut, not just slicing, but served the fatal blow that can’t be mended. The screams resound in my head and no matter how hard I push them down, they refuse to leave. I plead that my dreams might give me some respite, but the memories follow me where ever I go. You’d think the pain would turn me away, never desiring to feel that love again, that which destroys the soul of the little girl once loved. But the little girl still has hopes, she still dreams, sometimes she still thinks maybe, just maybe she can do something to earn the love of the one who was supposed to love her in spite of everything. Then the woman, whom the little girl is embodied in, realizes that love was never meant to be earned, but given; given to the point that you would deny your heart the option of ever stopping the love from flowing. It is this love that keeps the little girl, longing for the love that she knows will never belong to her. Yet she knows that this is the only love she will ever give, the one that takes all the heart has to offer, sacrificing it all, with no reservations. And it will be this love that will keep the pain always near, never subsiding. For if she let it go then what would become of the love she must give. No she will, she must love, even if it must be from afar, because Providence says that she will be the one to change what history has always been. She will start a new story, not one tied to the pain of love held back to save her own heart. Providence will hold her broken heart and the only way to begin to piece it back together is for her to give all the love she was ever denied. Her heart will not look the same, it will change just as the picture does in the kaleidoscope, yet in the end the picture will show a family firmly bound in the love that broke her heart to begin with. It is her broken heart that will ensure that no other hearts break because of walls she would build. No her heart will stay bare, accessible to all and she will pray that one day Providence will crumble the walls around the hearts that chose to protect themselves from the love she would do anything to give. Providence, hold my heart close, count my tears, and know my cries, because it’s only through Your love my heart will ever be able to be whole without the love I still long for. For it is Your will that my brokenness will be made whole and this brokenness will make me more like You, into the very image of You. For Providence willed that Your heart, too, would be broken, then made whole with love given unrestrained.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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