He is Enough

A day of rain is not what I needed. But some days I’m not sure what I need. Today I need to be busy and get my mind on things other than the recent events that have surrounded us. Peace is what I long for, what I desire, but it remains elusive. The rains dampen my spirits and make me long for something more. God has offered me much, yet I, myself, hold me back from grasping all that is within my reach. A residing joy can’t be found, nor can I grasp how to gain it. I need so much, yet I’ve been given so much, so why isn’t it enough. My God is enough, all that I need, so why can’t I cling to it with all that I am? As much as I look for a reason for my depression, I can find no answers. It is what it is. A burdensome load that I carry every day, it is my undesired yoke with no idea how to be rid of it. He would take it from me, if only I would let Him, which leaves me wondering why do I hold on to it so tight. I have come to realize that depression is not a choice; it truly is a medical condition, just not one I would choose to have. This isn’t to say that the days aren’t getting better because they are. I have come so far in this past month, just not far enough. I have high expectations for myself and I fall short of them all. I can’t expect so much out of myself, when I know I will only let me down. But that doesn’t mean I quit trying. I must reevaluate my goals that I have set and put them at a reachable level, one that I can achieve. At this moment I don’t feel like I achieve much at all. I wait expectedly on Him to bring healing to my soul and restore to a better place. I want to be that tower of strength, found only in Him, during these trials. At one point in time I was there, but I have backslidden so far that even with each baby step I take it feels like it will take me forever to come out on the other side of this valley. Maybe the lowest of the valley is done and now I am on the uphill climb out of it, which makes it so hard. The dark isn’t as dark as it use to be, but a gloominess still surrounds me. I long to feel the warmth of the Son and to praise Him in truth. I sing the songs of praise yet my heart feels so far. While I’m not an empty shell, I am only partially filled, but I still have a huge God shaped hole that is within me. I know He has promised He is with me always and in my mind I know He is there. It’s my spirit that needs to be awakened from this long slumber and be set anew with a fire that burns for Him. I pray that the Spirit guides me each day and shows me His love in a new form that I have yet to experience, but there are some days I wonder if He was even here at all. It is my own failings that bring me to this. I can know the promises He has made, but feeling them within is something I have yet to achieve. I find it hard to call on Him seeing the depths of my sin nature, which only leaves me to believe I am not embracing the grace which is rightfully mine. Why would l deny His grace? Why do I believe I am above saving? I am saved by His Truth, but I long for Him to let it resound within my soul. His love beckons me and He is out searching for this little lamb of His, so it me that is hiding? Why would I be scared of being found? He left the ninety-nine and is searching for me, calling me by name and I know His voice so why do I run? What am I scared of letting go of? All my own ways have let me down, yet when I put my faith and trust in Him, He has never failed me. Some part of me thinks I don’t need to find my way back because He’ll meet me right where I am and He’ll carry me back to where I belong. So why do I fight this internal battle trying to be worthy of saving? Why can’t I accept His unmerited grace for what it is and claim it as mine? In my heart He is my treasure and I do seek Him, so what is holding me back so? I love the fact that He is my Beloved and I am His. My forever Bridegroom and me forever the bride. I am meant to live a life lavished in His unending and boundless love so why do I feel I am so far away. I pray He finds me where I sit and carries me back in His loving arms and shelters me under the shadow of His wings. I am a child of God and no one, not even myself, can deny me this. When will I begin to act as a child of God and exude the godliness I love to live in? When will I throw away the rags that I wear and trade it for the purity that is mine to have? Is the day drawing near? When I can cast away all my fears? Only He knows and soon, very soon, He will save me from this valley that I travel.

Melissa Fitzwilliam