Peace Has been Granted to Me

Well this morning went as well as could be expected. I ended up not talking to them at all because I was cooking the whole time I was there. I didn’t know I would be doing this, but apparently it was in God’s plan, for what reason I’m unsure of. I just wish they could forgive and not be bitter for reasons that escape me. They (mom and grandma) tell me I’ve done something wrong but refuse to tell me what it is. I don’t know what to ask forgiveness for when I don’t know what it is I’ve done wrong. When we were in counseling I did ask for forgiveness for whatever they thought that I did was wrong, but mom said it is unforgivable. Until she can forgive for the unknown, I’m stuck missing them. I do love them dearly, I just hate how they act and their lack of unforgiveness. It makes them very bitter and that’s just no way to live a life. What a miserable existence! The Lord has everything in His hands so I rest in that. He has given me a peace that I’ve done all I can do. Ciara was a little upset that I didn’t come over to sit with them, but she understood that I was cooking and delivering food to the kids. She just wishes things were different, but I do too! Her wish for Christmas is to be able to see them, and I hate I won’t be able to give her her ultimate wish. We don’t do holidays with them anymore because they are so hostile, awkward, and downright uncomfortable. I can’t do anymore than what I’ve already done. I’ve reached out to them time and time again, only to be turned away. For a daughter, not having your mother in your life is heartbreaking! Sometimes you just need your mommy, and I just don’t have that. What I do have is an awesome church family that has stepped in to be my family. They love me unconditionally, flaws and all. It’s a Christ-like love that’s so amazing and I thank God for them. Other than that I have one family member, Karen, that still loves me and talks to me, but the rest of the family refuses to talk to me. God has given me His great and wonderful peace through all of this. You have to come to a peace to be able to deal with it. How I wish things were different! But the Lord knows better than me and maybe one day He will see fit to heal this great chasm that exist between us. Until that time I rest in His promises that He loves us all unconditionally and will never leave us or forsake us. I have made a promise to the Lord and to myself that no matter what my kids may do, I will still love them unconditionally. I won’t deny them the love that has been denied to me. Sometimes I wonder where things went so terribly wrong. Some of the things I know but just simply don’t understand. However, there are still those things that remain a mystery to me. I have told myself I must stop trying to understand it, some things just can’t be explained. But the Lord is with and will see me through this, His plan is perfect for me so I must rest in this. This is what I rest in. So my prayer is that I will be obedient to all He would call me to do. Whatever love I am supposed to extend to them, I pray that through His great power I will be able to do this. I can do all things through Christ who gives me His strength. He is everything I need and how could I ever think that He is any less than that! He is my rock, my strength, and my shield, my great Comforter, my beloved Bridegroom. He is my all in all and through all this may the glory go to Him alone.

Melissa Fitzwilliam