Why Did I Ever Start???

I’ve really wanted to quit smoking for awhile now, but it’s so much harder than it appears. I want to kick myself for ever picking it up! A little rebellion goes a long way. All my life I had been told “you can’t do this, you can’t do that” and I thought, “I’ll show you”! Never did I think they were as addictive as what everyone said they were. But I’m finding now that they are almost comforting. That sounds weird to even me, but I miss it and it’s only my first day. I’m scared if I don’t quit now, I’ll never quit. I could really see myself as a smoker for life. What’s crazy is they smell horrible, they taste bad, and they make you stink, along with a myriad of other reasons. I want to go outside, but every time I went outside I would smoke. I smoked when I got in the car and for no reason at all. I really wanted to be stopped by Thanksgiving so I’m doing what I should be doing. I went and bought the patch, but I’m finding it a poor substitute for actually smoking. It’s the act of smoking, not smoking itself. The patch has helped with the cravings, but I still want a cigarette. To make matters worse Danny wants me to go outside with him while he smokes. The deal was we were supposed to quit together, but I don’t know if he will ever quit. He says he wants to, he’s just waiting for the right time, but I don’t know that there is ever a “good” time to stop. I’ve prayed that God would deliver me from this, but it looks like I’m going to have to do it the hard way. I guess it’s only fitting since I started in an act of defiance. Never would I have pictured myself as a smoker because I was such an avid nonsmoker! I hated the smell and everything that went along with it. Now I have a daughter begging me to stop and I feel convicted that I need to stop. It’s just not as easy as I thought it would be. I have a new respect for those who quit smoking. To think I just started back in March and yesterday I was up to a pack in 24 hours. For some reason it just came naturally to me, just like sin does. So I’m going to sip my coffee and read my Bible study and do it all without a cigarette. I’m praying hard that this time is successful and that the desire to smoke leaves me altogether. I pray I go back to hating cigarette’s like I used to and that this will be just a time when realized how quickly sin can get its hold on you. It will be minute by minute, day by day, and month by month. The one thing I know is I can never pick them up again! I pray God continues to convict me that this is not the way I should be treating my body. My body is a temple to the Holy Spirit and there is no place for smoking in my life. With His help I shall overcome this too.

Melissa Fitzwilliam