I Need More Of God And Less Of Me...

There are so many times I wonder why God takes us down a certain path. Not that it’s within my right to question Him, but some of these paths I’m just so unsure of. I can’t seem to shake my dreams in the night; they hold me captive through the day. There are just some dreams that don’t let go of you. I was telling Ciara last night of my dreams and she thinks God is trying to tell me something. I told her these dreams are not of God. They are too frightening to be of Him. Our God is a God of love and perfect love casts out all fear. So does this mean I’m not perfecting myself in His love? I’m not sure. I pray at night that God would come meet me in my dreams, yet it doesn’t happen. All too often I fall asleep during my prayers, leaving me feeling guilty that I feel asleep on God. Yet I find a certain peace talking to Him. I think I do too much talking and not enough listening.

One thing I know is I must start getting some good rest. I seem to wake up at 3 a.m. every morning and it gets so frustrating. Here the past couple of days when I wake up at that time I take Anayah out to the bathroom. I don’t pray when I come back in; although I should because that seems to be when the worst of the dreams start. I’m tired of fighting sleep and fighting in my sleep. I just want to rest! I remember when I would wake myself up laughing or with a smile on my face because I had the greatest dream. I find that I go through times in my life that the dreams are either all good or all bad but rarely a good mix of both. There are times I wake up and I’m so ashamed of my dream and what they held that I’m sure in some way that I was sinning against God.

What I’m missing right now in my life is the power of the almighty Holy Spirit. I can’t feel the light of God shining on me and that leaves me so dark. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not going down the path of depression again (I don’t think anyway). I just don’t feel alive in Him. I keep telling myself to start my prayer journaling again and to start reading my Bible again and do some major studying. I don’t know why I don’t do it, I just don’t. I want to be saturated with God. I feel convicted that I spend so much time looking up meaningful names for my dogs, yet I don’t study His Word as I should. If I can pour that much of myself into researching dog names, then why can’t I pour that much energy into reading and absorbing His Word. The conviction I feel right now is so overwhelming.

I wrote a poem a while back called “I Need A Change Of Heart” and that is what I truly need. I want my life to be a testimony of His great love and grace. I want my life to scream that I am a beloved child of God, yet I don’t know that it does. I love my Lord, I truly do, but does my life testify to that love? Surely I don’t love Him enough or I would be pouring myself into His Word. Am I just giving lip service and not walking His path? I pray not. I know one thing; these dreams are driving me to my knees in prayer that they won’t come each night. But I should be driven to my knees everyday in daily prayer. I fall so short and am so imperfect that it saddens me to the very core. I know the evil one is to blame for this because God is not a God Who wants you to beat yourself up. Christ is gentle in His correction and only corrects out of love.

I’ve wrote all this to say simply; I need more of God and less of me. It is my fervent prayer that He pours all of Himself into me and takes anything that remains in me and changes it into the very image of Christ. I want to please God with my heart, mind, and soul. I don’t want to be the child that says something yet does nothing. I’m sure this is the prayer of many, but it is so heartfelt. I guess I need to get off of here and start doing what I’m writing about. All this writing doesn’t gain me a thing if I don’t do something about it. Please be in prayer that the Lord will show Himself to me in a mighty way, albeit gently lol. I long to walk hand in hand with Him again and hide myself in the protection of His wings. May the Lord bless us all today and may we see His mighty hand at work in all of our lives. He is a good God all the time. He longs to bring peace to me and I long to receive it. I pray for His grace and mercy, which are new every morning, to be poured out on all of us. As I pray for you, pray for me also.

Melissa Fitzwilliam