Unseen Battles

It starts out like the smallest aggravation. That splinter that goes deep and with each passing second, the pain and the annoyance grows stronger and stronger. An unknown well inside begins to bubble up and I know eruption; no the battle is near. Then a small explosion begins and grows until bombs are exploding all around me. Bullets of anger fly past me and some hitting me head on. I know I’ve been wounded. My broken life flies like fragments around me, shattering everywhere. I look around at the rubble of my life, everything in total chaos. Memories, no living nightmares, night terrors, drop all around, shaking the very foundation I stand on. The rain of pain begins and as hard as I look there is no shelter to turn to; no place to seek solace. Cries ring out from the past and the present, but who will hear then when the battle rages within? And if they could hear the cries, who would try to heal them? Who would enter such a horrific war zone and care enough to tend to my cries, my hurts, my unending pain, when it appears that I am a lost cause? I try to pick my way through the destruction of my life, but all looks foreign, I’m lost. It is hopeless surrounded by the high walls that seem on the verge of falling on me and finally crushing what little of me remains. This war has been hard and I haven’t weathered it well. Bombs exploded in my mind one after another as the rage pours out. The battles never totally stop, but momentarily quite for the sake of what little sanity I cling to. I try to hold on so desperately, but I grow so tired. I am battle-weary, to the very core. But we all know that while they may be still for the moment, they wait for my weakest point to return and to destroy all it can. This war has lasted so long and I don’t know how much more I can take. The memories that barrage me all the time, the knowing of all of my failings, all that I have let down, there is just no respite. All I have ever attained to be, I’ll never come close to being because of my unlimited imperfections. How long will this war last, how do I survive the battles, and in the end what is to become of me?

Melissa Fitzwilliam