It's a Blinding Lost....

I wish I could say things are getting easier, but I can’t. I wish I could say I felt better and I’m seeing things in a positive light, but I can’t. I have some many questions that are racing through my mind with no answers to be found. I’m so frustrated right now and I can’t vent to Anita until Thursday. Speaking of Thursday, Ciara is going to start seeing Anita Thursday too. I think she’s to that age that she struggles going back and forth between houses and just other stuff that pre-teens go through, that I think she needs someone she can confide in. I think she will love Anita the way I do! The one problem is that while I vent to Anita, there are some things that you still don’t have answers to. It’s just waiting to see what God has in store for you. Today I’m anxious. I’m anxious for so many reasons...none of which I can share.  But I can tell you I have felt your prayers and they have lifted my spirits. Even with me being so low right now I take courage in the fact you love me enough to pray for things that are unknown to you but still concern me none the less. I’m encouraged by the love of God pouring through you all.

I’m gonna keep this one short because there are things I need to get done. The most encouraging news is I’m back to work after being off for a week. I missed that place so much!!! I know I have said it before but I love that place and also the people I work for and with!! I’m am doing freight now rather than selling out on the floor. I unpack all the clothes that come in each day and put security sensors on them and get them ready to go out on the floor. It can be a tedious job but I still love it. What I’m missing right now is doing some serious writing. I don’t write poems anymore, or heartfelt blurbs, and I rarely get to blog anymore. It feels like the writer inside of me is asleep. It’s not a good sleep, but a restless slumber that’s deep and dark. Now please don’t mistake this as a trip down depression lane! I think I’m just under so much stress that it doesn’t evoke in me the desire to write. And while I love work, I still don’t feel completely fulfilled. I think what I’m lacking is a deeper walk with God. I don’t journal my prayers anymore, and to be honest praying is coming really hard for me right now and has for some time now. I know Christ has torn down the veil that keep me from God, but it feels like there is this wall, maybe a ceiling, that makes my prayers bounce off and return to me unanswered. I don’t feel worthy enough to come to God right now. I know none of us are worthy, but this is something more. I know I’m doing a poor job at explaining it, but it’s hard to explain when I don’t fully understand it myself.

I need to just jump in and start prayer journaling again and doing my daily walk with Him. He seems so far and I feel so lost. It’s a blinding lost. It’s so foggy you are unsure what the next step has in store for you. After reading this again I think this is something Anita needs to see because while there is still so much left unsaid, I have explained it better here than I’ve been able to just sit and think through. I guess I need to get off here and call my ex so I can pick up Ciara tomorrow. She won’t be home long because she is going to church camp this next week. I pray she has a good time and finds a deeper walk with Christ while she’s there. Please continue your prayers because we’re still stumbling our way along. One misstep and I fear I will fall apart. Thank you for listening to my ramblings and also thank you for your prayers. I have faith that they are not going unheard.

Melissa Fitzwilliam