Needing something to do...

It’s so great to have Edom back home, although it’s going to be a long healing process. Ciara still doesn’t know yet, but I think it’s best to keep it that way because all she’ll do is worry. I can’t imagine it will be easy taking care of a dog with a broken leg. There are so many pills she has to take and she is so use to being outside and now she is coup up in a small hallway (though it’s bigger than the kennel she was in). I pray we did the right thing by having this fixed though it’s a little too late for second guessing now. I still get angry thinking of someone shooting her. But it is what it is and all we can do now is move forward.

In other news, there is no news. Many people are saying I’m getting better and while I don’t doubt there have been improvements, I think I have just gotten better at faking it. I realize no one wants to be around a depressed person all the time. But the anxiety attack that I had yesterday just goes to prove that I’m not where I should be. I have found I do better around kids maybe because they come with no expectations. I still find it hard carrying on a conversation because for the life of me I don’t know what to say. People ask what I’ve been doing and all I can come up with is, “Staying at home.” Now there’s a conversation you always wanted to have! People want me to come over to their houses or come over here and I am just not up to that yet and I wonder how long it will take me to get there. The doctor says my expectations that I set for myself are too high, but I don’t know how to change that. I’m really having a hard time quitting smoking because, one I think I’m in rebellion, and two I’m so bored, but I don’t know what to do with myself. You can only type on the computer for so long before you get tired of it too. I guess it’s a good thing I can’t make myself take naps anymore, but I am having a hard time getting to sleep, then I want to sleep in late in the morning. I did better last night, but Danny was home so there’s no surprise there. I want to begin writing again but this writer’s block won’t seem to go away. When I look back over my writings it seems to be consistent that when I can write it just flows out of me and when I can’t there is nothing! I’ve a few pieces here and there but nothing like I want to do. What I’ve found is when I’m busy all I can do is think of great writings then I never get around to it. When I’m at home and have all the time in the world nothing will come to me. It gets very frustrating. Life is going pretty smoothly right now, which is what I need. I don’t know how I would handle a bunch of drama right now. There’s more than enough to keep me busy for a while, but once I finally get my house done I’m not sure what I’ll do with myself. I’ve thought about picking up cross stitching again, or learning how to sew, but what would I do with it and it’s not like we have the money to go buy the things I would need for it anyways. So many days I just don’t know what to do with myself. Right now I’m telling myself I don’t “need” a cigarette but I have nothing else to do. It’s just another day. Although, when I think about what our friends have done for us, no what God has done for us through them, it does make me realize how very much I am loved. I know I cannot fathom how deep and how wide His love is, it is there never the less. So what will I do with myself today? I will take care of the horses, rabbits, and Edom and I guess call it a day. I just wish I had something else to do….

Melissa Fitzwilliam