Sigh...

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Well that’s not entirely true, I’m a wee bit depressed. I just can’t seem to shake this and I really want to. I was really desiring to go back to work and now with this job interview tomorrow all I want to do is sleep. Today has been an incredibly lazy day and it’s all my fault. I did manage to get myself up and go to church, but it was totally out of guilt. I always feel guilty when I miss church because I feel like I’m putting my wants before God, and frankly I am. I don’t think you should go to church to alleviate guilt, however I didn’t feel guilty because I went, but because I really didn’t want to go.

I got to church and as usual it was great to see everyone. Don gave a great sermon today and it really was eye opening. He taught on how tithing isn’t just a 10% tax you give to God. It is something much deeper than that. When you feel like you’re being taxed by God you end up getting resentful and God wants you to give with a heart of worship and thanksgiving. Abraham gave a 10% of his spoils, meaning he gave the best, and he gave it because he knew God had given him a great victory over the 4 kings. What I really got out of it was God wants your all, not just 10% of what you earn. In all truth everything you have is God’s and if you aren’t giving with a joyful heart then you shouldn’t be giving at all.

When church let out I found out how the preliminary findings went in her divorce. It was only the temporary order, but what happened was astounding. The courts gave her husband the kids, the house, everything. In looking at what they gave him, I can’t say I blame the courts. It went just the way I thought it would. My friend thinks she’s entitled to everything and that’s just not the way the courts work. She hasn’t been sending the kids to school because of her depression and they have over a week of missed school. That’s just bad parenting. You don’t not send your kids to school because you over slept because of your depression. I can say this because I have been so depressed I didn’t want to get out of bed but Ciara has to go to school. It’s not an option to not send her! I also found out she’s been talking about me behind my back and not in a good way at all. One of the lady’s there said she’s no friend of yours, trust me. That really hurt, because I thought we had really been there for one another. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by the way she talks about other people behind their backs, but I was hoping for something more out of our friendship.

I came home and immediately laid down and took a nap with Danny. By the time I got home it was in the middle of his night so he was sleeping soundly. I really didn’t sleep that good, but as far as I was concerned there was nothing better to do. So I laid there and not really sleeping not really awake either. It’s that in between stage when you are sort of aware of what’s going on around you, but also in a peaceful state of oblivion. My shoulder was really hurting me so I think it kept me from really falling asleep. But it was nice to be able to cuddle with Danny for a few hours and just rest in his arms. I do miss him so much when he’s gone on these nights. But we both need jobs and this is his so I really have no room to complain.
I got up finally knowing that I needed to feed the animals. I really didn’t want to do it today. Normally I don’t mind too much, but today it’s wet, drizzling, and cold out there. It’s a muddy mess out there. So I put on my boots and went to feed the rabbits first. I really looked around in the hutch today for the babies and there is no sign of them. I was wondering if maybe she had moved them, but there are no fresh holes out in the yard and they aren’t in the hutch. So there is another litter of babies gone. Then I went down and fed the horses. It was pretty uneventful. Carmel was being a jerk and so was Captain. Captain tried biting me twice before I was able to slap him pretty hard. He just tossed his head and laid his ears back. He was pretty upset, but so was I! Try to bite me and that’s what you get!

Now Danny is up and has on the Super Bowl. I guess I’m going to get off here and spend some time with him. I need to make him some coffee and decide what we’re having for dinner. I also need to decide what outfit would look best for my interview in the morning. I figure I will go in early to drop off the other applications before I head to the interview. Sigh…I wish I felt better! I wish I could shake this off, but I know I have to be patient with the medication. *Big sigh…this isn’t getting anything done and I feel like I’ve rambled on about nothing. Bless you all and know you are in my prayers.

Melissa Fitzwilliam