Nowhere to Turn but Him....

Well I sat down and paid bills today and we’ve finally gotten to the point I’ve been so scared about. I knew it was a matter of time, but it’s finally happened. We have now had to revert to paying bills with credit cards and it makes me want to cry. I can’t begin to tell you how incredibly stressed and upset I am! This job couldn’t have come sooner. I need to work all the hours I possibly can and make all the sales that are possible. If ever I needed God to show His mighty hand, it’s now. We are totally reliant upon His provisions right now. We have nowhere to turn to but Him. I am clinging desperately to Him right now because frankly I don’t know what we’re going to do. We have never been in this position before and it scares me so bad. I don’t know where to cut back because we are not extravagant spenders. We didn’t even buy each other anything for Valentine’s or anniversary because we knew we didn’t have the money. I’m praying the Lord makes a way for us because without it we are lost.

Outside of that today we went to the doctor with Danny to see if they could cure his headaches. The doctor gave him three shots in his neck and they didn’t work. He still has a horrible headache and he, too, is stressed beyond measure. I’m sure all this stress will not help his headache any at all, but right nothing I can do to help him out other than getting up and going to work. I pray that I have a prosperous day tomorrow because we need everything we can get.

I called Ciara’s doctor this morning to try and get her in for her pink eye and they said they would take a message and have the nurse get back with me. I waited and waited and finally right before lunch tried calling them back again but couldn’t get an answer. I waited until 2:00 and tried calling again but they said that her chart was on the doctor’s desk and he still had to look it over. All I needed to know was if she needed to be seen or if they could call in a prescription for her and I couldn’t get an answer. I was getting so frustrated. Now at 5:30 I just got the call that they just now called her a prescription in and I can go pick it up in an hour. It only took all day to hear back from them! Grrr

Now I’m sitting here totally stressed and trying not to smoke. The only thing that makes a good distraction is staying busy by cleaning or blogging so here I sit. I wish I could begin to describe the stress and the fear that is knotted up in the pit of my stomach. I am shaking I’m so upset. I keep trying to tell myself that being stressed about this won’t help anything, but to no avail. Danny wanted me to go down with him to help feed the horses, but I just didn’t have it in me today. I should’ve gone because of his head hurting, but Nicky was here to help so I skipped out. I just didn’t feel like being out in the cold and I knew if I got alone I would start crying. I hate it when I cry! But right now I need some kind of release. I haven’t been able to go see Anita because of both of our work schedules and it’s really starting to get to me. I need to talk to Farry tomorrow and let her know I need to leave at 3:00 so I can get Ciara so we don’t have to pay for extended care cost at school. We just don’t have the funds for it right now.

I think this is all I have in me today. Not a very uplifting peace, but it wasn’t one of my better days. I do think the medicine is starting to work again, because even as upset as I am, I think I could be worse if the medicine wasn’t working. It still feels like I need to be on more, but I’m not a doctor so what do I know. All I do know is I can’t take many more days like I had today. I can’t keep doing this each month and watch our finances get worse and worse. Hopefully with me working now we will find some relief. That’s my prayer….

Melissa Fitzwilliam