I’m afraid that the depression is starting to creep back in again. I’ve not been keeping the house up, I’ve been staying on the computer all day, many times doing nothing but staring at a blank screen, and I think I know why. I’ve been trying to stretch my medicine out and went down in dosage on one of my meds. I think it’s really starting to affect me. It’s getting to the point I don’t even know what to write. I sit here now in the mood to write, but nothing comes to mind. Yes I could go on about my uneventful days but even that has no appeal to me. However, in trying to beat this depression I shall do my best.
Yesterday was a lazy day. I went to physical therapy in the morning and while it hurts some, it hasn’t been too bad. I don’t feel like he’s pushing me the way that he should. I feel like the workouts should hurt a little more to show that progress is being made, but this isn’t my field of expertise so I’ll rely on his knowledge instead of mine. I was still so tired when I left there that I went home and immediately laid down and ended up taking a two hour nap. That’s the other thing that makes me think the depression is getting worse is I can’t get enough sleep. I’m tired all the time, no matter when I go to bed. Anymore, I take Ciara to school in the mornings and come back home and then stay in bed until noon.
I cooked dinner last night even though I really didn’t want to. We ended up having brats, mac and cheese, and green beans. It was an easy meal, but I still haven’t cleaned it up. The mess, along with a million other messes, still remain. Brenna and her boyfriend, Gil, are coming over in two weeks, actually a week and a half, and I’ve got to get this house in tip top shape! But I have no desire to do so. This is really getting me down! And like the depression before I don’t feel like this is something I can just “shake off”. It goes deep, not as deep as I once was, but still not as great as I was either. I’m going today to pick up my regular prescribed medicine and will start taking it again tonight. It will take about two weeks to really kick in. The one thing it has showed me is I can’t be without my medicine, no matter how well I may feel! The reason for my wellness is because of the medicine I have been prescribed!
We left here and went to church and I taught the kids again last night. I have to say I did have a good time, although I sincerely missed being in with the others and hearing the message. We played many games and went over a couple of Bible lessons in the process. I still don’t know if I’m up to teaching full time, but I also feel like it’s what I should be doing. I can’t give in to the depression because I know it will only get worse!
Today I think I should get up and get dressed (because many days I don’t get dressed and just stay in my pj’s) and go out and look for a job in Shawnee Mall. I can’t just sit around waiting to hear from the jobs that I applied at when there are maybe others ones out there to be had. I’m also going to go into Oklahoma City and see if anyone is hiring there and maybe down in Moore. They are all drives, but at this point we don’t have enough money to pay the bills and that really is depressing me and worrying me to no end. I’ve asked Danny to take over paying the bills, but he doesn’t know how to do it online so that means I continue to do it. It is the one thing that brings me more stress than anything else going on right now! The money just isn’t there! I’m not trying to bellyache here, but it is a true worry on my mind. Every time I think about it my heart races and I get this sick dread feeling in my stomach. Just talking about it makes me the same way.
Well it’s 1:00pm here and I’m not accomplishing anything by sitting here complaining. I need to get up and be proactive about this! Please continue to be in prayer about the job situation. I’ve never felt a need to get a job as badly as I do right now! Maybe being out of the house would help the growing depression by just getting me around people. I don’t know, but please pray for the depression situation too. It’s my fault for trying something I thought would work and it obviously backfired on me! I’m not even going to try and blame another situation on the depression because I know it’s because of the medicine! But I’m fixing that today! I’ll do what I can where I can and try and stay positive about that!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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Dear Mel,
ReplyDeleteMy heart is SO HEAVY FOR YOU after reading this entry today! It was like I was getting punched in the stomach that's how much I could feel what you were describing. Each situation about not wanting to make dinner, not wanting to clean the house, climbing back into bed---all things I have lived out myself! Those exact same things. And now having a burden on my heart is like God impressing on me to really really be praying for you - about your financial situation, about the potential jobs and the Lord connecting you with the right one, about the feelings of depression coming after going down on the dose of one of your meds, there is so much here. But I will pray for his light to shine in the midst of these dark days, that he would hold you and uphold you giving you exactly the amount of energy and strength you need to get done what you need to do. That he would allow your med to bring you back to feeling well again and that he would be restoring joy and peace to you and bring you a job to relieve the financial pressure. You are on my heart and I feel like God has connected us (from Wisconsin to Oklahoma) a fellow prayer sister who's walked the darkness of depression. May God's healing touch be upon you and please keep blogging so we know how to pray!
OH, one other thing I meant to say was that it was really good for me to get around other people, and that was I think part of my healing. I was literally living in almost total isolation for months other than seeing my therapist and living with my husband, I even went an entire year without seeing my sisters (who were only 3 hours away) and my dad. That's how isolated I was. So I would definitely encourage you in your job search I think you were dead right when you said you think you need to be around people, I say Amen to that.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the prayers Tracey because I really covet them right now! I'm back on my regularly prescribed medicine so I expect to start seeing a change in about two weeks because that's how long it takes for it to get back into your system. I do have my first job interview on Monday and I'm praying it goes well. I need the job for not only the money (yes we definitely need that!) but also for the interaction it will provide. My counselor is encouraging this move in my life right now. I think I saw once that you grew up in Illinois. Is that right? My husband grew up in southern Illinois (Effingham) and in Cicero. My sister-in-law lives in Fox Lake with is right on the other side of the Wisconsin border. We aren't separated as much as you may think! Again thank you for the encouragement and for the prayers!
ReplyDeleteI am continuing my prayers and will add prayer for your job interview Monday, that sounds promising. Yes, good memory. I grew up in Palos Park Illinois which is about 30 minutes south west of Chicago. I've heard of Cicero and Fox Lake, what a small world! May the Lord be restoring you to wellness.
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