What do you do when you feel like you are paralyzed my major depression? When you feel like no one can really understand? What is so amazingly frustrating is I don’t have a reason to be depressed. I have the best husband in the whole wide world and four beautiful daughters, yet I’m living life on the outside looking in. This isn’t a choice you wake up and make. There’s not a day that comes along when you decide to not feel joy anymore. What I wouldn’t give to feel an overwhelming joy, a sense of peace and security. My days are dictated my medicines I’d rather not take, yet have no choice if I really long to get back to living. My family is affected by this just as much as I am. If anyone would have told me this is the way things would be going for me a year ago I would have told them they were crazy, yet here I sit with the weight of so much on my shoulders. There are times it is so hard to catch my breath because I feel like my chest is frozen in fear. I pray so hard for the Lord to take this from me, to just heal me, but it hasn’t happened yet. I will not stop praying that He makes me better and not just like I was but even more joyful than that. I want to be the reason for someone’s smile, laughter, and joy, not feel like I am bringing others down with me. How I wish I could put into words the totality of what I feel and help others understand how much I love them and don’t wish to continue on this way. But all I have is prayer, and maybe it’s all I need.
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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