I'm Trying

I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, but I don’t feel like I am making any headway. The depression has sucked me so low that I often wonder if there is any hope out. I want to be better and feel like smiling again, but at times it seems like I have forgot how. I don’t show my sadness on purpose, but I have forgotten how to act, how to hold a regular conversation. The easy things aren’t easy anymore and I wonder how long I will fight this battle. I cry out to God for mercy, mercy from this pain, but so far I don’t feel as there has been an answer. I cry out to God to love me, to let me feel His Almighty presence surrounding me, but all I feel so alone in this dark hole. Everyone says to pray and that it will all be ok, but will it? I pray daily, asking for healing from this and I wait for Him to answer. I fight the thoughts that try to consume me and fight the lies that the evil one would have me believe. All I can do is repeat His promises that I know are true even if I don’t feel it right now. As much as everyone else wants me well and happy, I long for it so much more. I miss the me who was free to smile and laugh and find the joy life had to offer. There is still much to be thankful for and joy that happens around me, but it’s as if some mean joke is being played and I am not allowed to join. I miss everyone, but I can’t imagine that they miss me with how unhappy I am right now. I find it hard to believe others can love me like I am, because I don’t even love myself in my depression. I’m trying to be better, but it’s so much harder than it appears. I just keep praying that I will be healed of this and find myself in the sunlight, happy again. Pray for me….

Melissa Fitzwilliam