Another Day

It seems with each passing day things improve a little more. Yet there are still days that it seems I’m barely doing better at all. The dreams that come to me in the night seem to press me down during the day. How I wish I could control them and then I wouldn’t dream about them at all. Since I can’t I wear the weight of them during the day and it seems to make the day a little darker than it should be. I pray continually that things will get better, that I will be better and finally come out on the other side of this depression. Looking around me this should be a time of great joy for me because things in life are pretty good. I really don’t have anything to complain about in daily life, so what keeps me from the joy I should be experiencing is beyond me. I look at Job and see how faithful he was and he lost everything in a day and I wonder why I can’t be the same. I know He is always faithful and He has a reason for this right now and I just can’t see the bigger picture. He knows what’s best for me; I just struggle seeing how such a great depression can be the right thing. Yet when I’m in this mind set I am questioning His will for my life and I know that’s not what I should do. He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it; these are the promises I cling to. The other thing that makes my day livable is Danny. I just don’t know how he puts up with me. I often fear he will give up on me and I don’t know what I would do without him. I know he deserves so much more and there was a time I was able to give that to him, but right now he’s the one doing all the giving. I love him more than words can say and I pray that it is enough. He holds me up when I can’t do it myself and is strong for me when I have no strength. I love my family, my girls, I just hope at the end of day I can be what they need me to be. Right now I sit here talking with my grandmother and I can feel the anxiety rising up in me. Things just aren’t the same. My heart beats fast. Ciara still wants to talk to them and I can’t make her understand that as long as they reject Danny and me we can’t have a relationship. This makes the day harder and it will take me a while to not be upset. They say it is a choice, but it seems overwhelming to me. I’m just not there yet. Another day to live better, another day to try and enjoy, it’s just another day.

Melissa Fitzwilliam