Flightless

I’m sitting here taking a break from cleaning the house and thinking over today’s message at church. It didn’t start out as the best day there, due to a past member showing up that gives me great anxiety. The serves were starting and the panic attach was almost overwhelming. The urge to get up and leave was so strong that I had to keep telling myself that it would all be ok and that God wouldn’t let anything happen as my mind ran away with all the “what ifs”. I shouldn’t be surprised that as Don is teaching on graciousness today’s sermon would be about peace and grace during difficult times. He was quoting out of Philippians 4 and how God’s peace surpasses our understanding. Pray in everything, rejoice in everything, have joy, God’s peace, etc. As I sat there I began to wonder how I have peace and rejoice during this depression. I do not doubt that God’s promises are true (well maybe that’s not entirely true), I do know it’s true, but how do I experience in this dark time? Is peace and joy a decision? Is it merely trusting that God to do everything He has promised and just holding on tighter to Him during this time? One thing that Don pointed out is this can’t be obtained without growing closer to God. God was really talking to my spirit today as Don was talking about joy in hard times yet not having His peace during other times. I do remember a time when things were going so bad and times were so hard, yet God seemed to be ever-present and we were riding high on a mountain top. Now everything in my world is better than it was during that time, yet it is now that I am struggling so hard with His peace, joy, and trying to understand His will in my life. I want to be in that place of joy again and I do pray constantly that this depression will be healed. If I ask it in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, and am praying for the Father’s will to be done, then shouldn’t I trust that He will heal me? Simply put, yes. But it doesn’t seem that easy. You see, I want to be better now. I don’t want to have to wait and take medicine to make me “normal”. I just want to be a rejoicing child of God now and have that uncontainable joy and a peace that it is all going to be ok. I’m trying hard in my day to day life to live normally, think soundly, and rely on Him, but it doesn’t get me back to where I belong. I know there has to be an ending point so it makes me wonder, what am I holding on to that is holding me back from what is rightfully mine? I feel like a flightless bird watching all the other birds soaring high over head and wanting to join them, but feeling like my wings have been clipped. I watch, I long, and I try to flap my wings, but I make no headway. I’m stuck on the ground watching everyone fly on without me. Yes, right now I feel flightless, but desiring to fly to all new heights with Him. He is more than capable to pick me up and carry me where I need to go or heal me so I can fly to Him, but I’m not sure which He is going to do. So what do I do? Where do I go? How do I get there? The doctor would say keeping taking my medicine and things will look better. And I will keep taking them; I just don’t want that to be the answer. So now I wonder what I must do to receive all He would give me and all He wants me to have. I am His child and He will see me to the end of this. But this flightless bird wonders how long it will take to get there.

Melissa Fitzwilliam