Midnight Dream

Once upon a midnight's dream
An angel came beckoning me
He wrapped me in His wings of white
His appearance that of radiant light
His voice so strong, gentle, and true
He said, "I've come to rescue you."
He swept me up into His arms
A Prince to save me from all harms
In Him is the essence of splendid majesty
Robed in righteousness and loving mercy
His head adorned with a crown for royalty
Declaring Him Lord of Lords, King of all Kings
He said, "The time is nigh, we must fly away"
"Prepare yourself for it is our wedding day"
"Today you will become My beautiful bride"
"Holy and pure, through Me you will be glorified"
"I will take your veil of ashes and it will be no more"
"But with a crown of beauty, on you will be adorned"
"I have waited oh so long for this day to come"
"Now together we will be joined finally as one"
I looked up and gazed into His loving eyes
I smiled at my Bridegroom as He gazed into mine.
The vision I beheld began to grow dim
I tried to hold fast onto the image of Him
A voice whispered to me softly that it was time to wake
My midnight dream was over with only visions to take
Pleadingly I said to Him , "Don't make me leave"
"Don't send me back without You to an earthly reality"
His smile was so warm, eyes glistening bright
As He cupped my face He said, "You're forever in my sight"
"For now I must visit you in your midnight dreams"
"But soon I will come and take you home with Me"
"I love you my darling, I'll come back to you tonight"
"But know for now I'm in your heart, waiting for moonlight"
Once upon a midnight's dream
An angel came beckoning me
He wrapped me in His wings of white
And held me there all through the night.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Providence's Will for the Broken Heart

I was sure this wasn’t the answer. I asked so many times why, praying with all I had for You to change Your mind. I did everything I knew to make it better. Providence had another plan, one of a heart broken. Not just broken, but shattered, tiny shards, so small that you would never recognize it as a heart. With all the tears that flow, they make pieces appear multiplied, because nothing looks the same through the blurred kaleidoscope of sadness that falls, manifesting a river down my cheeks. The words didn’t just cut, not just slicing, but served the fatal blow that can’t be mended. The screams resound in my head and no matter how hard I push them down, they refuse to leave. I plead that my dreams might give me some respite, but the memories follow me where ever I go. You’d think the pain would turn me away, never desiring to feel that love again, that which destroys the soul of the little girl once loved. But the little girl still has hopes, she still dreams, sometimes she still thinks maybe, just maybe she can do something to earn the love of the one who was supposed to love her in spite of everything. Then the woman, whom the little girl is embodied in, realizes that love was never meant to be earned, but given; given to the point that you would deny your heart the option of ever stopping the love from flowing. It is this love that keeps the little girl, longing for the love that she knows will never belong to her. Yet she knows that this is the only love she will ever give, the one that takes all the heart has to offer, sacrificing it all, with no reservations. And it will be this love that will keep the pain always near, never subsiding. For if she let it go then what would become of the love she must give. No she will, she must love, even if it must be from afar, because Providence says that she will be the one to change what history has always been. She will start a new story, not one tied to the pain of love held back to save her own heart. Providence will hold her broken heart and the only way to begin to piece it back together is for her to give all the love she was ever denied. Her heart will not look the same, it will change just as the picture does in the kaleidoscope, yet in the end the picture will show a family firmly bound in the love that broke her heart to begin with. It is her broken heart that will ensure that no other hearts break because of walls she would build. No her heart will stay bare, accessible to all and she will pray that one day Providence will crumble the walls around the hearts that chose to protect themselves from the love she would do anything to give. Providence, hold my heart close, count my tears, and know my cries, because it’s only through Your love my heart will ever be able to be whole without the love I still long for. For it is Your will that my brokenness will be made whole and this brokenness will make me more like You, into the very image of You. For Providence willed that Your heart, too, would be broken, then made whole with love given unrestrained.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

A New Perspective

Often times when you listen carefully God will give you a new perspective. That’s what happened today during morning services. There are those sermons that you walk away with a smile, reminded of God’s great love, mercy, and grace, and then there are those where the Spirit really touches you and it’s more of an ouch. Today was definitely an ouch day! Don spoke of graciousness with other believers that have sinned against you and how you should approach the situation. God forgives us everything, yet when it comes to people, we hold grudges, grow bitter, and let that hurt dwell within us. Peace seems to be a distant emotion when you are filled with bitterness. How long have I lived in the shadows of others bitterness thinking it was my fault when I’ve done everything to reconcile the situation? How often have I been the one to hold that sin against the person until I think they have suffered the way I have? Too often in both cases. I have lived under the oppression of my mother’s bitterness for years and have all but given up hope that the relationship will ever be restored. If I’m honest, I don’t really want the relationship restored until she can learn to love and respect Danny and our marriage and forgive me all my wrongs of the past. I, myself, have held on to wrongs done with me to the extent of it causing current severe depression and PTSD. Why can’t I let it go and allow God to do His work in the situation? What also really went straight to my heart today is sharing my burdens with others and not going to the person who has sinned against me. I long to be validated in my feelings and approach, but in the validation I seek I sin. What does their understanding gain me? Not a restored relationship, but just an opportunity to further dwell on the situation thinking how right I am to feel the way I feel. I needed a new perspective! God has forgiven me much, but I withhold my own forgiveness. I am wrong! I can try and find excuses for my behavior, but simply put, I am not obeying the Word of God. Today His Word was sharper than any double-edged sword, going straight to the heart of many matters. I would love even now to say what these matters are, so in some twisted way, I would be proven right, but I have yet to go to this person that has sinned against and let them know that what they did hurt me deeply. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the nerve to tell them and seek restoration, but the question is, can I learn to forgive them without them asking and be ok with them and not avoid them? Can I look past their character flaws and learn to love them and the brother or sister in Christ they really are. The more I think about it, the more I realize there are many I have aught against. I wonder if it causes the anxiety I often feel at church and the urge to just run away. I did notice that the absence of certain people/s today cured my anxiety. I am allowing this situation to get in the way of my worship on Sundays. So what will I do with this new perspective? Forgive and forget as God does? Or will I seek forgiveness time and again for not being forgiving myself? I know I walked away with a changed heart today. I would pray that every time I get into the Word of God I walk away with a changed heart or to be enlightened in a new way, but it doesn’t always happen that way, as I let external things and events get in my way. No matter what someone has done against me, I am the problem as long as I continue to hold it against them. My prayer would be that God continue to do a work in my life and change my heart to be loving and gracious to all and in that find the peace I so long to have.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

So Blessed

Life is getting better. There are good days and bad days, but it seems as though the good days are prevailing. I’ve been getting out and about which is more than what I could say in the past. Doing things around the house are still slow in coming but there is small progress being made. When I think about my life I know I am so blessed to have a Savior that would go to any extent to save me from myself. His love continually amazes me as He covers me in His grace. He holds me close even when I try and draw away. It’s hard to believe He would want to pursue me and want to love someone like me. How could you ask for a better best friend than Jesus Christ. He has kept me save and upheld me through the toughest of times. Even when I thought He was so far away He was and is always right there beside me. I cling to His promises with all I have and there have been many times when they were all I had to keep me going. Now He is showing me all I have to live for and that He has a purpose just for me. His love is everlasting and He is everything that is true and trustworthy. He is my all in all. He is my Redeemer from sin, my Savior from death, and my Beloved forever and my Bridegroom. If I live every day of my life, there is never enough love that I can offer up to Him. I can only bring the offering of my devoted heart and my unconditional love. He is my Father that I long for, the Spirit that guides my day. He dwells within me and shelters me under His wings. I soar high in His Word for He is the Word eternal. Words can’t express my love for Him I can only live a life that would speak of my love eternal for Him. He has blessed beyond measure, yes anointing me with His oil of gladness, healing my brokenness, and pouring out His mercies and grace that is life saving. And one day when He calls me from above I will sing His praises and spend eternity at His feet living forever in His boundless love.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Shine on Me...

I sit here in the gloominess of the morning, desiring to offer the world something other than what I am. My apathetic style towards life leaves something greater to be desired. I long to offer a sweet something from my mind, but there is nothing to be found. The rain has washed all the creativeness away. So I sit here longing to have a conversation with someone I can be honest with, having no fear of what judgment that might come. I want my curiosity of life back, just longing to be intrigued by its intricate weaving, how it flows and moves. Instead, I sit in the morning rain, wishing for much, but longing to do nothing. It’s not the rain, nor the storms, that has washed away the creativeness or the will to do anything other than the selfishness absorbed notions of my heart; but I have been robbed of it all from a past that is unwelcomed and unwanted. Will I dwell on what I have no control over, or will I choose to get up and do what can be done today? Will I let another day pass me by wanting for what can never be, or will I make the most out of what God has offered me today? No doubt, He sits here with me, while I drink my morning coffee, waiting for me to take a hold of opportunities that He has waiting on me. I cannot long to offer the world something I am not; including the sweet something’s that may or may not be. I can only offer them what broken parts of me I am able to give. It was not the rain that washed anything away, but the tears of an unrequited past, blind sighting me. He will bring me all the conversation that I long for, with no fear of judgment, because He promises that was finished upon the cross. He will offer all of me back, when I will choose to take my eyes off me and turn them back on Him. It is when I behold Him that I can look past the rains of the morning and see the Son shining on me and all that I do. As the rains pour own this morning, it makes all things new, as He too, will make me new. The clouds must come and the rain must pour in order that the grounds be refreshed and revived. It’s through that Living Water that I must feed off and drink in whole. As I do I will feel His grace wash over me cleansing all that I would claim is unclean, making whole that which is broken, healing that which is hurt. If I continue to dwell on the things He’s shown me that He has vindicated then I am robbing myself of His beautiful present to me, called the present. Today will bring the rains and I am not certain if tomorrow will bring the Son, but the Spirit calls out to me to join Him now, and leave the tears behind because no matter what the Son is shining on me now.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

I Try to See

I try to see what there really is to see.
I try desperately to see the real me.
For so long I have listened to your lies
And believed all that was said in your eyes
I saw how I was never enough for you
But what I never saw was what was really true
I saw how I was the reason for your pain
The bitterness on your heart is the stain
But what I never saw is what is real
There is great worth in me still
You tried to bring an end to what would be me
But instead I discovered you weren’t my need
You hate all that I have become
All you tried to make come undone
I stopped listening to all your lies
And found what me of me defines
I finally found the truth you tried to hide
And how many lies you were willing to lie
I came to realize I am not your pain
I’m not responsible for your heart’s stain
Now that I can see all that’s real
You won’t define the way I feel
You can never bring the end of the real me
I have conquered what may lie beneath
And I will continue to be what I’ve become
Never can your lies make me come undone

Melissa Fitzwilliam (For the family I left behind... I can't be undone!)

The Refining Hand of the Potter

I am an unfinished vessel, perfect only in my imperfections. Flaws abound, with cracks and chips at every turn. For all purposes I was broken to the point that I was not worth restoring. A vessel covered in dirt, of no value in shape, size, or service. I was sure that I was broken past the point of being broke again, yet that is when another piece would shatter. I would see other vessels with beauty, being delicate yet strong, refined, and with adornments of such pureness that indeed they were priceless in their splendor. I would compare myself to them and see that I could never be as they were. Who would want to use a useless vessel, with scars of abuse, neglect, of hurts that were etched so very deep that the vessel would have to be totally destroyed and be remade to be of any worth? Who would want to take the time, the effort on such a tedious, never ending task? Surly no one would want this worthless piece of clay! Yet there I lay, and You picked me up with such infinite care and love, gently wiping away the surface grime. How could You see any beauty, any worth in what You held? You gathered all the pieces that had been broken and softly stroked the scars that marred me and whispered lovingly that with time You would make me new, into one of those vessels that I had seen as so beautiful, and told me I, too would be priceless in my worth. You washed me, taking away all the dirt that had hidden what lie beneath. You added fresh clay and took away some of the broken pieces, telling me I would be better if I were made new without them. Your hands wrapped around me as I turned on Your wheel, shaping and molding me into something that I wouldn’t recognize when You were finished. You smiled as you told me that some of the scars would stay, but they would only add to my beauty, as etchings that made me unique. Round and round I turned beneath Your guiding hands, knowing with each revolution that more of Your prints would be in me. At times You would bend me and it would hurt so bad, but I knew it must be done. I wanted You to add back some what had been taken from me, but You said that it was only what You put in me that would make me whole. Any brokenness added back in would take away from my wholeness and You long to see me whole wholly in You. When You added something new, I wondered if I could continue, but You assured me it was for my beauty and Your glory. The true test would come as You looked at me seeing a vessel that was almost complete, yet I must be put in the fire to be hardened, to be perfected. Without this last step the refinement would never be complete. You promised You would never leave me in the heat and when everything was ablaze around me. I could only look at You knowing You did this because of Your love for me. I cried when it hurt and You cried when I took Your shape. I smiled when I saw Your smile in my reflection. Here I am, only left wondering why You would choose to love me so much? You have made me beautiful, delicate, and strong in You. You turned my scars into the loveliest etchings with adornments that take Your breathe away. You made me perfect in my imperfections. You made me whole, new, clean, and pure. You made me everything I could never be without You. You restored me, refined me and made me all that I am today. I know that as long as I am in Your hands Potter, this clay will display Your splendor and I will be priceless to You. Potter, You have left Your eternal mark on me. As Your nail scarred hands held me and as I was turned, being molded underneath Your guiding hands, Your blood covered me. I am a piece of clay handcrafted by the Potter, refined in the fire of salvation, and saved only because of Your merciful grace. Any beauty found in me is the product of a glorious refinement of Your painstaking work that You’ve taken from someone as hopeless, someone as broken as me. I am Your reflection, Your work, Your student and You are my Master, my Artist, the Potter.

Melissa Fitzwilliam