How can be surrounded by people and feel so alone, I’ve lost my way with no way to get back home. I’m just a shadow in a sea of people, no greatness is found in me. I live as a whisp of what I could really be. The wind tosses me to and fro making me lose sight of the way I must go. I am among the least in life. Forever burdened with great strife. I feel as though I’m broken in pieces; never finding that which releases. Melancholy, apathetic, and rebellious too; forever doing that which I must not do. A murderess, a thief, a liar abounds; no goodness within me can be found. A cheater, prideful, and full of vanity; all of this lies in the heart of me. Hateful, ungrateful, and jealousy is all that which encompasses me. I as wretched of a sinner that You could find, so what caused You to save this life of mine? Yes, I’m even wicked to my very core, yet I am the one that You adore. So what could You possibly see in me that You would be willing to die for me? What kind of love do You possess that You would give it all for my happiness? The answer to in all lies in Your redeeming grace, for it’s Your mercy that truly saves. So I may be surrounded but I’m never alone, because You will forever be my home. I’m a shining light in Your sea of people, for greatness You find in me. For in You alone I can be all I was meant to be. The wind might toss me to and fro, but You will always show me which way to go. No longer am I the least in life, forever You save me from my great strife. I must be broken to pieces so You can build me into more of You, then I will find all that releases for that is what You do. And I while I’m wretched and a sinner too, that’s why You love me, that’s why You are You!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The House is Overwhelming Me!!!
I feel so overwhelmed! I’m sitting at home today and chaos surrounds me. My house is such a mess that it embarrasses me. I can’t seem to find that “get up and go” that I need to find to get it clean. I look around and tiredness just creeps in. I feel defeated and I haven’t even started. The problem is, is it’s so bad I don’t even know where to start. I remember when I would clean a little bit every day and the house seemed to stay pretty nice. It’s not even like I can blame it on work because I only work about four to five hours a day then I come back home. I can’t say that I’m depressed, but something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on it. I’m not cooking anymore like when the depression started and I have the energy, but not the “want to”. I feel like I’m being so selfish right now, but in the same sense I feel like everyone else should be helping. Sigh… I’m not sure what the answer is but something’s got to give!
I went to both of my doctors this week and had all of my check-ups. Misty is my physiatrist and she did an overhaul on my medicines. I was on Abilify and Cymbalta and they are notorious for causing weight gain. I’ve gained forty pounds in a year and I’m no longer at a healthy weight. I had told her I would stay on the medicines for mental wellness as long as I could stay at a healthy weight and it’s just not happening. No matter what I do I keep gaining and not finding that point when you finally stop gaining and kind of maintain a certain weight. No, I’m gaining and gaining. So she cut me back half on the Abilify and she said that should help with the bad dreams and the mini-amnesia I’m having. She’s taking me off of Cymbalta altogether and putting me on something called Luvox. The Luvox makes you sleepy at night so I’m finally sleeping without any type of crazy dreams or nightmares. This is such a relief! She said I should start to notice weight dropping off right away and I sure hope so.
I also went to see Dr. Becker, my primary doctor, to get a complete blood work up done. High cholesterol, diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc. run in my family so it’s important that I get these checked every year. I also had him check my thyroid just in case it wasn’t the medicine that was making me gain all this weight. All the results came back perfect!!! My liver function and kidney function is perfect, my thyroid is working wonderfully, and all the numbers on cholesterol and triglycerides are right where they should be. He said I couldn’t have asked for better numbers. I did tell him about the increase in headaches and about my fall on the kids ride. He shook his head and laughed but he also ordered an MRI saying that I definitely have whiplash, and we need to see if it messed up any more of the disc in my neck. So I go for the MRI on Monday and after they get the report back I will go see Dr. Meyers, my pain specialist, to see if I can start the neck injections again. Dr. Becker said that at the moment I am one solid muscle spasm in my neck and back and that’s what’s causing the headaches. He doesn’t think the muscle relaxers will help because of the injury and then he told me to say off toys!!! So much for being young at heart!
Last night I went to the fair again, but this time I went with my mom, grandma, CC, and her two cousins. We had a good time but I really missed Danny being there. He didn’t go because 1) he had work to do and 2) he wasn’t invited!!! My mom and grandma really need to change their hearts toward him. He is a good man and is wonderful to me and Ciara. I just don’t understand why they can’t accept our marriage and him and show him the love he deserves. The good news is he didn’t really want to go last night, he says one time at the fair a year is enough for him! I was hoping to go with all the girls this year, but the money just wasn’t there. The fair has gotten so expensive!!! The food is good but it’s outrageous what you have to spend on it. Mom said that she would pay for everything last night, but Danny gave me some money so I could pay my own way. I hate being dependent on her for everything so I bought what I could, but she did pay for some. Grandma had to be pushed around in the wheelchair so we all took turns doing that. I walked my poor little feet off!!! I followed the girls around to all the rides and made sure they got on and off ok and that no one messed with them in the lines. Mom told me that’s why she needed me there so she could have help watching them. So for the most part mom and grandma relaxed at a table and I walked around with the girls. It was a good time, but I can honestly say I’m done with the fair this year.
My job has been going ok. We have a temporary manager in place at the moment and if she stays I think it would be great. Her name is Tashina, and she has the sweetest personality. Now mind you she’s not Natalie, but she is very likeable and nice. She always compliments me on the work I do and really seems to notice how hard I work when I’m there. I’m going in early Monday morning to vacuum the whole store again because it looks like a mess right now. The night crew just isn’t doing the job they need to do and it may be of time restraints on when they need to leave. I also cleaned the backroom again on Friday, including the bathroom (yuck!), and wiped it down and vacuumed it. They say I’m really fast at freight so I feel like I have job security lol. Danny’s job is going ok too. We finally have some jobs coming in but the money just isn’t coming in as fast as it’s going out. We had a major headache this past week with one of the credit card companies that was enough to make me want to move my account elsewhere. We gave Rick the credit card so he could fill up with diesel and they rejected it because I had just filled up with gas right before him. The credit card company was saying it was a fraudulent charge and I was telling them it wasn’t!!! They said they would have to talk to Danny since it was his card and he was the main person on the account. I was fuming mad!!! Anyway I finally took went down there and found out Rick and Kathy were being detained by the security guards and when I showed them my id and my credit card they released them. It was so embarrassing!!!!
Other than that I need to get off here and clean my house. I still don’t want to but it’s not going to clean itself and I’m still looking for that elusive cleaning fairy (right Elaine!!!). I did forget to tell you I’m starting the new HCG diet where you take a pregnancy hormone and it’s suppose to drop weight off you really fast!!! I’m excited about it but I’m wondering what I’m going to do with all these new jeans I’ve bought! We have a lady that alters clothes for us and that’s what I may have to have done. Anyway the thought of losing weight is exciting!! I still haven’t given up on quitting smoking it’s just harder than I ever realized. Please pray that God takes the desire completely away and that I’ll finally be able to kick this habit!! I pray for you all daily! I pray that God shows Himself to you today in a special way and that you can feel His love just pouring over you. Sorry this was so long but I guess I didn’t realize how much I had to tell you!!! Grace and peace be with you. Please pray for us also!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I went to both of my doctors this week and had all of my check-ups. Misty is my physiatrist and she did an overhaul on my medicines. I was on Abilify and Cymbalta and they are notorious for causing weight gain. I’ve gained forty pounds in a year and I’m no longer at a healthy weight. I had told her I would stay on the medicines for mental wellness as long as I could stay at a healthy weight and it’s just not happening. No matter what I do I keep gaining and not finding that point when you finally stop gaining and kind of maintain a certain weight. No, I’m gaining and gaining. So she cut me back half on the Abilify and she said that should help with the bad dreams and the mini-amnesia I’m having. She’s taking me off of Cymbalta altogether and putting me on something called Luvox. The Luvox makes you sleepy at night so I’m finally sleeping without any type of crazy dreams or nightmares. This is such a relief! She said I should start to notice weight dropping off right away and I sure hope so.
I also went to see Dr. Becker, my primary doctor, to get a complete blood work up done. High cholesterol, diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc. run in my family so it’s important that I get these checked every year. I also had him check my thyroid just in case it wasn’t the medicine that was making me gain all this weight. All the results came back perfect!!! My liver function and kidney function is perfect, my thyroid is working wonderfully, and all the numbers on cholesterol and triglycerides are right where they should be. He said I couldn’t have asked for better numbers. I did tell him about the increase in headaches and about my fall on the kids ride. He shook his head and laughed but he also ordered an MRI saying that I definitely have whiplash, and we need to see if it messed up any more of the disc in my neck. So I go for the MRI on Monday and after they get the report back I will go see Dr. Meyers, my pain specialist, to see if I can start the neck injections again. Dr. Becker said that at the moment I am one solid muscle spasm in my neck and back and that’s what’s causing the headaches. He doesn’t think the muscle relaxers will help because of the injury and then he told me to say off toys!!! So much for being young at heart!
Last night I went to the fair again, but this time I went with my mom, grandma, CC, and her two cousins. We had a good time but I really missed Danny being there. He didn’t go because 1) he had work to do and 2) he wasn’t invited!!! My mom and grandma really need to change their hearts toward him. He is a good man and is wonderful to me and Ciara. I just don’t understand why they can’t accept our marriage and him and show him the love he deserves. The good news is he didn’t really want to go last night, he says one time at the fair a year is enough for him! I was hoping to go with all the girls this year, but the money just wasn’t there. The fair has gotten so expensive!!! The food is good but it’s outrageous what you have to spend on it. Mom said that she would pay for everything last night, but Danny gave me some money so I could pay my own way. I hate being dependent on her for everything so I bought what I could, but she did pay for some. Grandma had to be pushed around in the wheelchair so we all took turns doing that. I walked my poor little feet off!!! I followed the girls around to all the rides and made sure they got on and off ok and that no one messed with them in the lines. Mom told me that’s why she needed me there so she could have help watching them. So for the most part mom and grandma relaxed at a table and I walked around with the girls. It was a good time, but I can honestly say I’m done with the fair this year.
My job has been going ok. We have a temporary manager in place at the moment and if she stays I think it would be great. Her name is Tashina, and she has the sweetest personality. Now mind you she’s not Natalie, but she is very likeable and nice. She always compliments me on the work I do and really seems to notice how hard I work when I’m there. I’m going in early Monday morning to vacuum the whole store again because it looks like a mess right now. The night crew just isn’t doing the job they need to do and it may be of time restraints on when they need to leave. I also cleaned the backroom again on Friday, including the bathroom (yuck!), and wiped it down and vacuumed it. They say I’m really fast at freight so I feel like I have job security lol. Danny’s job is going ok too. We finally have some jobs coming in but the money just isn’t coming in as fast as it’s going out. We had a major headache this past week with one of the credit card companies that was enough to make me want to move my account elsewhere. We gave Rick the credit card so he could fill up with diesel and they rejected it because I had just filled up with gas right before him. The credit card company was saying it was a fraudulent charge and I was telling them it wasn’t!!! They said they would have to talk to Danny since it was his card and he was the main person on the account. I was fuming mad!!! Anyway I finally took went down there and found out Rick and Kathy were being detained by the security guards and when I showed them my id and my credit card they released them. It was so embarrassing!!!!
Other than that I need to get off here and clean my house. I still don’t want to but it’s not going to clean itself and I’m still looking for that elusive cleaning fairy (right Elaine!!!). I did forget to tell you I’m starting the new HCG diet where you take a pregnancy hormone and it’s suppose to drop weight off you really fast!!! I’m excited about it but I’m wondering what I’m going to do with all these new jeans I’ve bought! We have a lady that alters clothes for us and that’s what I may have to have done. Anyway the thought of losing weight is exciting!! I still haven’t given up on quitting smoking it’s just harder than I ever realized. Please pray that God takes the desire completely away and that I’ll finally be able to kick this habit!! I pray for you all daily! I pray that God shows Himself to you today in a special way and that you can feel His love just pouring over you. Sorry this was so long but I guess I didn’t realize how much I had to tell you!!! Grace and peace be with you. Please pray for us also!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Monday, September 20, 2010
God's Gift of a Job
I'm sitting here riding down the road with much on my mind. There's a sense of comfort as Danny lies next to my arm as we cuddle in the sleeper of he truck. I got up way too early this morning (3:30)and I'm tired but I can't sleep. Blame it on foo much coffee if you will but in a way I'm restless. I'm not sure why but I think I could know the cause. I'm getting really nervous about the doctor's results, the upcoming visits, and the possiblity of changing my depression medicine. I know God has everything under control and that I shouldn't worry T all but I can't seem to help myself. I've heard it said many times "let go and let God" but that's easier said than done. I've ealso heard it said that rarely does your worst expectation come to fruition, but I still can't help but have a little anxiety about it.
I'm notnsure what today will hold besides a lot of driving. We are making a trip to the Arkansas border to drop off q laid of highway dividers. The Lord provided this job for us and we are very excited! We thought the dump trucks would see more work but it's been too wet for them to work. At least with this job you can haul whether it's raining or not! This is a good thing since we are getting rain this next week. The other thing is we need money comng in badly! I pray the Lrd gives us more work than we can handle!
Well this is a short one because I'm getting carsick as I'm typing this going down the road. If time permits I'll get back on later and let you know how the day went! My prayers are with you all!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I'm notnsure what today will hold besides a lot of driving. We are making a trip to the Arkansas border to drop off q laid of highway dividers. The Lord provided this job for us and we are very excited! We thought the dump trucks would see more work but it's been too wet for them to work. At least with this job you can haul whether it's raining or not! This is a good thing since we are getting rain this next week. The other thing is we need money comng in badly! I pray the Lrd gives us more work than we can handle!
Well this is a short one because I'm getting carsick as I'm typing this going down the road. If time permits I'll get back on later and let you know how the day went! My prayers are with you all!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Write Me A New Love Song...
Write me a new love song.
Sing to me gently.
Walk with me always.
Tell that You love me.
I remember the days I was so in love with You.
Now I’ve wandered afar and I don’t know how to get back to You.
I remember the sweetness of Your embrace,
Reading Your Word so I could see You face to face.
Why did I travel away from You?
I know that’s never what I should do.
The Words You whisper to me are oh so sweet.
I’m so love sick I drop to my knees.
You are the air I need to breathe.
You cleanse me from what lies underneath.
Amazing is Your love for me.
I often wonder how it could be.
I need Your grace so that I might live.
I long for the peace You freely give.
You pour Your mercy down on me
How great is my Lord and how awesome is He
I write to You a new love song
I will sing it to You gently
I will walk with You always
As You tell me how much You love me
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sing to me gently.
Walk with me always.
Tell that You love me.
I remember the days I was so in love with You.
Now I’ve wandered afar and I don’t know how to get back to You.
I remember the sweetness of Your embrace,
Reading Your Word so I could see You face to face.
Why did I travel away from You?
I know that’s never what I should do.
The Words You whisper to me are oh so sweet.
I’m so love sick I drop to my knees.
You are the air I need to breathe.
You cleanse me from what lies underneath.
Amazing is Your love for me.
I often wonder how it could be.
I need Your grace so that I might live.
I long for the peace You freely give.
You pour Your mercy down on me
How great is my Lord and how awesome is He
I write to You a new love song
I will sing it to You gently
I will walk with You always
As You tell me how much You love me
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Build Your House on The Rock!
Well I went to my first doctor’s appointment to check on the growth of my pre-cancer cell growth, if there is any or if the pre-cancer cells are gone. I’m praying for a good outcome since last year they seemed to be eradicated. However, that’s not to say I’m not nervous about this year’s test results. If I get a clean bill of health then I won’t have to go for another check up for three years which is exciting! But if the abnormal cell growth has started again we are going to have to start looking at other options. It will mean the D&C only worked temporarily and I’m not sure what my next option would be. I have been praying hard core about this. I’m tired of biopsies and the continuous checkups but it’s not like I can’t have them. To do that would be sticking my head in the sand and possibly bringing me to the point of chemo and radiation which is the last thing I want. It is a very real threat! So please pray with me that there is no new growth but most importantly that God’s will be worked out in my life.
In other news, Friday night Danny and I (with Rick and Kathy) went to the state fair. We always go back there because it’s where we first met and where we got engaged. I can’t believe it’s been eleven years! In some ways the years have flown by in and other ways crawled by, both in good ways and in bad ways. We have made it through more stuff than most couples I know. Our marriage is strong and still filled with the same love. I guess it’s not the same love because we are stronger now than we’ve ever been. That’s not to say it hasn’t had its complications but we have weathered the storms and come out on the shining side. Some people have regrets of some sorts, but not me. He still gives me butterflies after all these years! I know I am a very blessed person to have him in my life. God never ceases to amaze me, that He could make a love as strong as ours. We are truly soul mates. We had a great time at the fair and had way too much food, but the point in going is to remember the love we found.
Saturday was an action packed day. Ciara had a volleyball tournament that lasted most of the day. I got up early and ran to Wal-Mart to buy various fruits for the girls to snack on during the day. I bought way too much and ended up taking it with me to church today. Ciara played well even though she missed all but one practice this past week because she was sick. She’s got a nasty floor burn on her knee when she was diving for the ball and forgot to pull up her knee pads. The girls have a phenomenal coach! Jean, our pastor’s wife, coaches them and she is such an encouraging coach even when they are playing badly. They only won one game but I think they did good considering they are a first year team. The school has never had a volleyball team before so they are all still young in their learning. Ciara seems to really enjoy it and has already said she’s going out for the team again next year. She did get pretty bummed because her dad didn’t come to the games. He has yet to come to one of her games and it really hurts her. However, me, my mom, and grandma were there to cheer her on and that seemed to make it better. My ex-husband decided to go to a football game instead and Ciara said that let her know where she stood with him. My heart went out to her as she cried her tears. There wasn’t much I could do for her, but let her know she had every right to be mad and sad and that there was no shame in her tears. She did perk up as the night wore on and she ended up staying the night with us because my ex went out and partied after the game. He’ll regret all these things he’s missed one day.
As for today, I’m not sure what it’s going to hold. We went to church this morning and had a great teaching lesson. Don taught out of Matthew 7:24-29. Where do we build our house? Are we like the wise man who built his house on The Rock, or the foolish man who built his house on the sand? I’ve heard this passage taught so many times, but never before like it was taught today. It was profound! We are going to be studying Matthew 5-7, The Sermon on the Mount, for an indefinite time and trying to memorize the entire section! A hard thing to do, but doable with God. I learned much today and was touched deeply. God continues to work on me and teach me new things daily. I guess that’s what should happen as you walk with Him. The one thing that saddens me is I’m not the devoted child of God that I should be. I still live in rebellion, I don’t do my daily study time, and I put Him on the back burner too much. I take for granted that He will be there when I’m ready to come to Him, rather than staying with Him throughout the day and letting Him handle everything that comes my way. I prayed today that God would begin a new work in me and to set me afire again. I want to burn with a passion that is unquenchable! I want to be so totally in love with Him that I can’t breathe without Him. All these things I desire to be, but He won’t do it alone. I must come to Him, emptied of myself, and willing to be filled with all of Him.
Well I’m pretty sure I’ll get back on here and write again today, but for the moment I need to go get me some lunch. Danny is sick again today. He woke up throwing up so I’m assuming he has some stomach bug. That man is sick more than any other person I know! It may be nerves because the work is slow coming in and we’ve about depleted our bank account . So please pray with us that the Lord will provide us with work, more than we can handle! Pray He pours out His blessings upon us to where our cup runs over. Also be in prayer for me because I go back to my other doctors this week with the possibility of changing my depression medicine. I am certain I want to be off of one of my prescriptions because it’s making me gain so much weight. It’s an unhealthy weight! So pray that the depression doesn’t come on strong but that the Lord would deliver me from it. Pray the doctor can find the right combination of medicine to make me not depressed, yet still at a healthy weight. Thank you for your prayers in advance and know that I pray for you as well. Also if you have prayer request let me know so I can lift them up for you and if you want I’ll put them on our church’s prayer list. Be strong in Him and keep the faith. Don’t live your life for today, but live it as though you are reaching for eternity. Live and love in Him and may you be the richer for it!!! Peace and grace be with you!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
In other news, Friday night Danny and I (with Rick and Kathy) went to the state fair. We always go back there because it’s where we first met and where we got engaged. I can’t believe it’s been eleven years! In some ways the years have flown by in and other ways crawled by, both in good ways and in bad ways. We have made it through more stuff than most couples I know. Our marriage is strong and still filled with the same love. I guess it’s not the same love because we are stronger now than we’ve ever been. That’s not to say it hasn’t had its complications but we have weathered the storms and come out on the shining side. Some people have regrets of some sorts, but not me. He still gives me butterflies after all these years! I know I am a very blessed person to have him in my life. God never ceases to amaze me, that He could make a love as strong as ours. We are truly soul mates. We had a great time at the fair and had way too much food, but the point in going is to remember the love we found.
Saturday was an action packed day. Ciara had a volleyball tournament that lasted most of the day. I got up early and ran to Wal-Mart to buy various fruits for the girls to snack on during the day. I bought way too much and ended up taking it with me to church today. Ciara played well even though she missed all but one practice this past week because she was sick. She’s got a nasty floor burn on her knee when she was diving for the ball and forgot to pull up her knee pads. The girls have a phenomenal coach! Jean, our pastor’s wife, coaches them and she is such an encouraging coach even when they are playing badly. They only won one game but I think they did good considering they are a first year team. The school has never had a volleyball team before so they are all still young in their learning. Ciara seems to really enjoy it and has already said she’s going out for the team again next year. She did get pretty bummed because her dad didn’t come to the games. He has yet to come to one of her games and it really hurts her. However, me, my mom, and grandma were there to cheer her on and that seemed to make it better. My ex-husband decided to go to a football game instead and Ciara said that let her know where she stood with him. My heart went out to her as she cried her tears. There wasn’t much I could do for her, but let her know she had every right to be mad and sad and that there was no shame in her tears. She did perk up as the night wore on and she ended up staying the night with us because my ex went out and partied after the game. He’ll regret all these things he’s missed one day.
As for today, I’m not sure what it’s going to hold. We went to church this morning and had a great teaching lesson. Don taught out of Matthew 7:24-29. Where do we build our house? Are we like the wise man who built his house on The Rock, or the foolish man who built his house on the sand? I’ve heard this passage taught so many times, but never before like it was taught today. It was profound! We are going to be studying Matthew 5-7, The Sermon on the Mount, for an indefinite time and trying to memorize the entire section! A hard thing to do, but doable with God. I learned much today and was touched deeply. God continues to work on me and teach me new things daily. I guess that’s what should happen as you walk with Him. The one thing that saddens me is I’m not the devoted child of God that I should be. I still live in rebellion, I don’t do my daily study time, and I put Him on the back burner too much. I take for granted that He will be there when I’m ready to come to Him, rather than staying with Him throughout the day and letting Him handle everything that comes my way. I prayed today that God would begin a new work in me and to set me afire again. I want to burn with a passion that is unquenchable! I want to be so totally in love with Him that I can’t breathe without Him. All these things I desire to be, but He won’t do it alone. I must come to Him, emptied of myself, and willing to be filled with all of Him.
Well I’m pretty sure I’ll get back on here and write again today, but for the moment I need to go get me some lunch. Danny is sick again today. He woke up throwing up so I’m assuming he has some stomach bug. That man is sick more than any other person I know! It may be nerves because the work is slow coming in and we’ve about depleted our bank account . So please pray with us that the Lord will provide us with work, more than we can handle! Pray He pours out His blessings upon us to where our cup runs over. Also be in prayer for me because I go back to my other doctors this week with the possibility of changing my depression medicine. I am certain I want to be off of one of my prescriptions because it’s making me gain so much weight. It’s an unhealthy weight! So pray that the depression doesn’t come on strong but that the Lord would deliver me from it. Pray the doctor can find the right combination of medicine to make me not depressed, yet still at a healthy weight. Thank you for your prayers in advance and know that I pray for you as well. Also if you have prayer request let me know so I can lift them up for you and if you want I’ll put them on our church’s prayer list. Be strong in Him and keep the faith. Don’t live your life for today, but live it as though you are reaching for eternity. Live and love in Him and may you be the richer for it!!! Peace and grace be with you!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
'Tis the Season....For Doctor's
It’s that time of year again when I go to all my different doctor’s and get my check-ups. I really don’t like this time of year but it’s necessary. I’m hoping one of the doctor’s can tell me why I seem to be gaining so much weight. I started gaining weight after I had my gallbladder taken out and I’ve never hit a plateau. My mom was working on my fingernails and toenails and she said they showed signs of my thyroid being slow. I hope this isn’t the case because once you start on thyroid medicine you can never get off of it. However, I’m not eating any different than I use to and I’ve even cut back on my calorie intake, but the weight is still piling on. I feel fat, I look fat, I just feel gross. I also haven’t seen Anita in over a month, since my eye surgery, and I have so much to tell her. I need to see my eye doctor to make sure the second surgery was a success and I need to see my physiatrist to make sure my medicine is where it should be. I also am going to bring up the dreams I keep having and hopefully one of them will have an answer for what’s going on.
Money is starting to get tight again and it’s back to me hating to pay bills. It’s what I need to do today, but I just dread it. The work from Danny’s business is slow coming in. We have several contracts but it’s been too wet to work. I’m beginning to see how much the weather plays a factor in this kind of work and I wonder what will happen come winter time. It makes me so nervous! This also means I have to start curbing my buying habits. It’s so hard working in freight and seeing all these cute clothes come in and to say no to buying them. I need more self-control. That’s easier said than done, as I already have a stash back in the backroom to buy. I only need a few more things to complete my winter wardrobe but it’s getting to the point that I can’t determine whether it’s a need or a want. Sigh…I get so frustrated with myself!
I’ve fallen off the wagon and bought me a pack of cigarettes. I’m so mad at myself!!! The good news is they taste horrible. The only reason I can think that caused the trigger is all the changes that started coming on here lately. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, because I, myself, am trying to figure out what caused the set back. It even feels weird to be smoking. But I’m getting back on the patch and hopefully stay quit for good this time. This is harder than I ever would have thought. I know the Holy Spirit wants me to be smoke-free and I’m trying to live in His will. I’m praying this starts to get easier and I won’t cave at the slightest change in life.
Well I guess I better go and get to work. I just had a few minutes on my hands and I thought I might as well blog. It’s my stress releaser lol!!! Anayah is still doing well and the dogs are really falling in love with her. I’m still having the bad and crazy dreams and I would give anything for a good night’s rest. My neck is still hurting me and I still think I might have a touch of whiplash. Ciara is still sick but should be able to go back to school tomorrow. I will force myself to sit down later and do all the bills for this month whether I want to or not. So much to do and I have plenty of time to do it, so why am I so tired? I’m getting plenty of sleep, albeit not good sleep, but still I just feel blah. Anyway I really do have to go. I pray the Lord shines His countenance on you and blesses you beyond anything you could expect. He is a good God all the time and His love endures forever!!! Praise Him for His goodness!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Money is starting to get tight again and it’s back to me hating to pay bills. It’s what I need to do today, but I just dread it. The work from Danny’s business is slow coming in. We have several contracts but it’s been too wet to work. I’m beginning to see how much the weather plays a factor in this kind of work and I wonder what will happen come winter time. It makes me so nervous! This also means I have to start curbing my buying habits. It’s so hard working in freight and seeing all these cute clothes come in and to say no to buying them. I need more self-control. That’s easier said than done, as I already have a stash back in the backroom to buy. I only need a few more things to complete my winter wardrobe but it’s getting to the point that I can’t determine whether it’s a need or a want. Sigh…I get so frustrated with myself!
I’ve fallen off the wagon and bought me a pack of cigarettes. I’m so mad at myself!!! The good news is they taste horrible. The only reason I can think that caused the trigger is all the changes that started coming on here lately. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, because I, myself, am trying to figure out what caused the set back. It even feels weird to be smoking. But I’m getting back on the patch and hopefully stay quit for good this time. This is harder than I ever would have thought. I know the Holy Spirit wants me to be smoke-free and I’m trying to live in His will. I’m praying this starts to get easier and I won’t cave at the slightest change in life.
Well I guess I better go and get to work. I just had a few minutes on my hands and I thought I might as well blog. It’s my stress releaser lol!!! Anayah is still doing well and the dogs are really falling in love with her. I’m still having the bad and crazy dreams and I would give anything for a good night’s rest. My neck is still hurting me and I still think I might have a touch of whiplash. Ciara is still sick but should be able to go back to school tomorrow. I will force myself to sit down later and do all the bills for this month whether I want to or not. So much to do and I have plenty of time to do it, so why am I so tired? I’m getting plenty of sleep, albeit not good sleep, but still I just feel blah. Anyway I really do have to go. I pray the Lord shines His countenance on you and blesses you beyond anything you could expect. He is a good God all the time and His love endures forever!!! Praise Him for His goodness!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Monday, September 13, 2010
An Issue I'm Not Resolving...
I seem to have an issue that I’m not resolving. I am angry at a person that hurt me with words and spread lies about me to people that are dear to me. This happened a couple of months ago but I can’t seem to shake my anger. I’ve try praying about it, turning it over to God, but I keep taking it back. I know forgiveness is a choice that we have to make for ourselves and it’s for our own good to forgive. But my heart is angry and it feels justified in being that way. What this person did is very wrong and they claim that they love me, but they sure have a bad way of showing it. In any case there could be a possibility that I might see this person soon. I have avoided them at all cost because I’m scared that what I have to say won’t be nice at all. So I’m in a quandary of what to do. I need to go to this event or possible event and I do want to go, but this one person puts a damper on all of it. I know, I know, forgive; but it’s just not that easy. I mean I’m sure it is that easy, but for me I can’t seem to overcome that hurdle.
I woke up to Ciara being sick again today. She’s running a fever and sounds just awful. All she’s done all day is laid on the couch and slept. I hate for her to miss school again so soon but what are you going to do. She’s been eating soup and ice cream and all that good stuff. She’s still running a low fever and I’ve been giving her Tylenol but it’s not bringing it down all the way. If she still feels bad tomorrow I’ll have to call the doctor and have him check her out to see what’s wrong with her. But I’m praying it won’t come to that and that she will begin to feel better.
I’m going to be pretty busy coming up here pretty soon. I have to go for my yearly “exam” (cough cough) and I’m not looking forward to it. I am praying that I finally get a clean bill of health and that none of the pre-cancer cells have come back. I also need to go see my psychiatrist, Misty, for a check-up and also Anita. I haven’t seen Misty in six months so it’s time to revisit my meds and I’m going to talk to her about those crazy dreams I’ve been having. I have so much to tell Anita it’s not even funny!! I haven’t talked to her since before the little fender bender where the scammers tried to pull a quick one on me. I still haven’t heard back from the insurance people and I pray I don’t. I hope that thing is behind me now.
Today we had a little going away party for Natalie and Allison. I got them both a cake and I couldn’t help but cry. I also found out today another one of our assistant managers is leaving. She just had her first grandbaby and she wants to start babysitting her new granddaughter. I can’t say I blame her, but we’re losing so many people so very fast. Now I’m having dreams about that!! I will miss them all so very much! Life changes oh so very fast. In a blink what was “normal” is gone and new things are to come. The only thing I can take comfort in is I know I’m standing in God’s will so He only has good things for me and for them also.
I guess I’m going to get off here now. I’m a little hungry and very thirsty. I need to see if Ciara needs anything and then I think I’m just going to veg. Danny’s still working down at his mom’s house so the house is pretty quiet. I pray that the Lord gave you a great day and that all is going well with you. I think I’ll take a little nap for a while. It sounds good right now….
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I woke up to Ciara being sick again today. She’s running a fever and sounds just awful. All she’s done all day is laid on the couch and slept. I hate for her to miss school again so soon but what are you going to do. She’s been eating soup and ice cream and all that good stuff. She’s still running a low fever and I’ve been giving her Tylenol but it’s not bringing it down all the way. If she still feels bad tomorrow I’ll have to call the doctor and have him check her out to see what’s wrong with her. But I’m praying it won’t come to that and that she will begin to feel better.
I’m going to be pretty busy coming up here pretty soon. I have to go for my yearly “exam” (cough cough) and I’m not looking forward to it. I am praying that I finally get a clean bill of health and that none of the pre-cancer cells have come back. I also need to go see my psychiatrist, Misty, for a check-up and also Anita. I haven’t seen Misty in six months so it’s time to revisit my meds and I’m going to talk to her about those crazy dreams I’ve been having. I have so much to tell Anita it’s not even funny!! I haven’t talked to her since before the little fender bender where the scammers tried to pull a quick one on me. I still haven’t heard back from the insurance people and I pray I don’t. I hope that thing is behind me now.
Today we had a little going away party for Natalie and Allison. I got them both a cake and I couldn’t help but cry. I also found out today another one of our assistant managers is leaving. She just had her first grandbaby and she wants to start babysitting her new granddaughter. I can’t say I blame her, but we’re losing so many people so very fast. Now I’m having dreams about that!! I will miss them all so very much! Life changes oh so very fast. In a blink what was “normal” is gone and new things are to come. The only thing I can take comfort in is I know I’m standing in God’s will so He only has good things for me and for them also.
I guess I’m going to get off here now. I’m a little hungry and very thirsty. I need to see if Ciara needs anything and then I think I’m just going to veg. Danny’s still working down at his mom’s house so the house is pretty quiet. I pray that the Lord gave you a great day and that all is going well with you. I think I’ll take a little nap for a while. It sounds good right now….
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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