Dreams...

I guess I’ll start with the thing that’s bothering me the most. I just wrote a poem about it but it needs details. I’ve been having the craziest, most disturbing, dreams lately. I’m dreaming of loved ones that have passed away or are no longer in my life. I can see them, hear them, feel them and often I awake in tears. I think of my aunt, my uncle, and other loved ones that have gone on home to be with the Lord and I don’t know why I’m dreaming of them all of a sudden. And it’s not just that. I’m having violent dreams that are so disturbing. I dream of car accidents that are all too real that leave my heart pounding. Last night I dreamed that I was spanking Ciara so horribly because she had misbehaved. I dream that Danny leaves me, that for some reason we are no longer together, and when I wake up I’m in tears. I have to reach over and feel that he’s still there to know I was just dreaming because they are just so real. I also awake not knowing where I am. The scariest ones are when I can’t remember who I am. It’s like I wake up with amnesia. It takes a few minutes to remember I’m married, I have daughters, and that I am ok. I don’t know what’s making me dream all this crazy stuff but I wish restful dreams would find me again. I’m so tired anymore because I’m just not sleeping well. You know how you feel when you dream all night and you wake up tired because it feels like you haven’t rested at all. Well that’s me lately. I could go on and on about this, but I won’t, but it was something I just needed to get off my chest.

I had my eye surgery and I am seeing better now. It feels so good to be able to blog again! So much happens in between blogs that I can’t remember it all when it comes time to update everyone on what’s happened. The eye surgery was particularly painful this time. I don’t know if it’s because my eyes weren’t totally recovered from the last surgery, but I pray everything heals properly this time and that I need no more in the future. I slept for days because your eyes feel so tired and the pain medicine does a good job at helping you sleep too. I still am not smoking and occasionally I want one but I don’t cave in to the temptation. I’m still wearing the patch to quit smoking but I don’t wear when I sleep (otherwise I would think I was having all those crazy dreams because of that). I go back for an eye check up in two weeks but everything seems to be going along well.

I did get Anayah finally!!! She is so stinking adorable. We are starting the potty training days all over again and I forget how much I hated those days. The other night she went over and peed on Danny’s side of the bed and he was so mad to wake up in her little puddle and he went to sleep on the couch because we didn’t have any clean bed sheets for me to change the bed. Needless to say I did some laundry and we have clean sheets on the bed now. In the beginning Asher really didn’t like her but now both he and Elowyn are warming up to her and playing with her now. I did have a dream that I got two more females (an American cream and another Isabella) and I think God is telling four females is my limit. So I spent the weekend looking up names to name them. The American cream will be named Amaris Abigail which means God has promised a source of joy and the Isabella will be named Isabel Rayah which means consecrated to God fellow love. Good names I think!

Other than that the big bosses came in to work yesterday and that was a chore! I worked Sunday and all day Monday trying to get the back room and the store looking good for when they came in. Then I asked Danny if I could shop for an appropriate outfit for when they came in and he said yes. I picked out this Christian shirt with a cute little vest over it and when I walked in they said I looked very Buckle-ish lol! I’m glad that’s over with because that wore me out. Well I guess I better get ready for church. I haven’t been to Wednesday night services in a while and I feel bad because he’s been giving some great teachings on the book of Acts. I hope all of you are doing well and I lift you up in prayer daily. May the Lord bless you and keep you safe in the palm of His loving hands.

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Let Me Be

by: Melissa Fitzwilliam

I dream the dreams I don’t want to dream
Ones of faded memories of you and me
I awake trying to recall what is real
In the middle of the night that’s all too still
What brings you to mind after all these years
You’re long gone now leaving me with tears
Please don’t haunt me anymore
It’s in the past and I’ve closed that door
This heartache I feel is all too much
When I awake thinking I felt your touch
I think I hear your voice whispering my name
Then with a start I realize it will never be the same
Leave me be in the here and now
I need to move on but don’t know how
These dreams are filled with such regret
I do my best to try and just forget
You’re a part of my past that I’ll treasure forever
The moments we had spent together
But I’ve had to move on without you
I wasn’t given a choice; it’s what I must do
How I wish these dreams would go away
They leave my heart heavy with the light of day
Peaceful dreams find me tonight
With no more memories for me to fight
Tranquil sleep come to me
Let me rest, just let me be

I Want Anayah!!!!

Well I called Dawn today to see if I could pick up Anayah today, but she hasn’t returned my call yet. I am hoping to get her today since I’m having eye surgery on Tuesday and it will be a better part of a week before I can drive again. She’s only seven weeks old right now, but again I hope Dawn lets me get her. I am getting very antsy for Anayah and even Danny is getting excited! I want to call again, but I don’t want to seem desperate. I know I just need to be patient, but that’s easier said than done. It’s an hour’s drive out there so I’d like to get on the road so I can get back home by dinner time. Oh geez I don’t know if I should call again or just wait…

In other news, Kathy (our friend/worker’s wife) has had back pain for about three weeks now. She thought she had a kidney stone and was just waiting for it to pass. Yesterday she started running a pretty high fever and the pain was getting worse, so I got online and looked up home remedies for passing a kidney stone. The only thing I could find was 2 oz. of olive oil and 2 oz. of lemon juice combined and drink it down and the stone should pass in about 24 hours. It also said to get in a hot shower (as hot as you could stand it) and let it beat on your back. Well we have the hot tub so she climbed in there and let the massagers beat on her back. Well about 2:00 in the morning Rick came in and said he was taking Kathy to the ER. When she got there she found out she didn’t have a kidney stone but a severe kidney infection and bacterial infection in the kidney. They said she was hours away from her kidney shutting down!! So she’s still in the hospital on antibiotics and pain killers. What really stinks is they have no insurance. So while I was at church this morning I asked for prayer for her. There is untold power in prayer!!! She is truly blessed that her kidney didn’t shut down and that she’ll be able to make a full recovery from this.

Church was good this morning!! I am always blessed by Don’s teaching. My church family is a rock that the Lord has provided for me here on earth. The Lord never ceases to amaze me with the outpouring of love that He shows to me through others. I’ve been working on some of my poems to my Lord and am trying to get it set up on powerpoint in MicroSoft office. I think once I get it done it will be a beautiful tribute to our Lord and I hope I can figure out how to share it with others.

I guess that’s it for now. I guess I’m going to try Dawn one more time and hope I don’t seem too desperate. I guess I could clean on the house, but I really don’t want to. I need to do laundry, but I figure I’ll be here all next week so I can get it done then. I’m always the procrastinator. May the Lord bless you and keep you surrounded in His amazing love!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Another Eye Surgery...

I won’t be able to blog as of next Tuesday so I guess I better finish up what’s been going on. Next Tuesday I go in for another PRK eye surgery. I guess when my eyes healed they did so giving me far sightedness rather than perfect 20/20 vision. I can’t say I am looking forward to this because I remember how bad it hurt last time. I do know one thing, when he offers to give me pain pills this time I’m going to take them! This also means I’ll be off work for a week. This makes me incredibly sad because I love my job so much. However, Natalie said it would be fine, especially since it couldn’t be helped. The other problem I’m having is seeing double. It gets so annoying to see two things rather than just one. It gets especially bad at night time, so I’m going to talk to Dr. Melton about it when I go in on Tuesday.

Last week I got one of my killer headaches!! It got so bad that they took me to the ER so I could get a shot to help calm down the pain. However, the doctor that saw me wasn’t very sympathetic. He said if I could go to work with a headache like this then obviously I wasn’t in that much pain!! If I would have felt better I think I would have told him off. But in any case I went to see Dr. Becker the next day and he gave me the shot that I had been longing for. Within 30 minutes my headache started going away! I felt so much better! I do think it’s time to go back and see my pain specialist thought. The headaches have been coming with more frequency here lately so I think it’s time to start getting the shots in my neck again. The bad thing about that is I’ll have to miss more work. We’ll see how long I can hold out considering I’ll be off work for a week. It’s important for me to get back to work the following week because our district manager will be in. I have to admit I’m a little nervous about it.

Ciara is over her strep throat now and went back to school on Monday. She seems to be liking seventh grade so far. Danny just about has the business up and running and should be working by Tuesday or Wednesday of this next week. He does have to drive me to the eye surgery appointment but it only takes a few hours. Rick and Kathy have stayed with us this whole week and it’s been nice to have the company. They are quickly becoming dear and cherished friends!!!

Well I guess that’s it for now. I should be able to blog again in about two weeks or so and of course I’ll want to update everyone on Anayah. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am about getting her!!! I’ve also decided after Anayah I want to get an Isabella female and an American cream female. That will give us a total of four females and one male. I think four litters a year is more than plenty. I’m starting to pick out names now. I love doing the research into the names and their meanings. I wish I had done that with Ciara although I still like her name. Ok I’m really going this time. Know I am praying for you and please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Crash...Bang

So much has happened since I last blogged!!! I don’t even know where to begin. I know I’ll forget some stuff but I’ll do my best. The biggest thing that happened was I was in a little fender bender. I was getting off the highway to come home from taking Ciara to the doctor (she had strep throat) and when I looked behind me when I was yielding the car in front of me slammed on their brakes. Now keep in mind there were NO cars coming!!! I hit her going maybe 5 max 10 miles per hour. We pulled to the side and I thought we would just exchange insurance information and I would be on my way. I was in a hurry to get going because a friend of mine had died and his funeral was that day. Well the lady jumps out of her car and starts cussing at me immediately. She used the most foul language you could possibly imagine. I got my insurance out and they (there were two women in the car) were walking around like nothing was wrong. Well all of a sudden the driver starts saying she’s got a headache. They were talking to each other about whether or not they should call the police or not. Not only did they call the police, but they also called the fire department and the ambulance!!

So the fire department gets there and all of a sudden they couldn’t move (when they had been acting just fine!!!). The guys came back to check on us and we told them we were fine that we had no injuries. Well these women were putting on such a show that they kept coming back to make sure we were ok. Ciara pipes up and says, “We’re fine, they’re just faking it!”. The firefighter just dies laughing and rubs the top of her head and says ok. Well the police get there and the woman tried lying to the cops and told them the passenger was actually the driver. Why you ask? Well come to find out the woman who was driving was driving under a suspended license!!! The police officer came over and told us what we had said and both Ciara and I start saying oh no the small woman in the blue was driving. Well instantly the police start putting two and two together. Ciara told them there was no oncoming traffic so there was no need for the woman to slam on her brakes. There was also a witness that verified everything we said!!! Can we say scam!!!! So the police officer takes me to his car and takes my statement and tells me, “I want you to understand that I’m not giving you a ticket because your husband is a retired officer, but because these women have wasted my time!!” I was like woohoo!! I didn’t say that just you get the drift.

So now it’s time to talk to the insurance company. The women told the officers and the insurance company that I was going 40mph and knocked them clear into the middle of the street!!! (LIARS!) There is a tiny dent on the front of my car and that’s it!!! They had a small dent on the back of their car and nothing else! So the insurance adjuster came out and took pictures of my car and she said, “That’s it?!” I said yep. She confirmed that I was doing between 5-10mph when I hit them because otherwise there would have been more damage to the car. I told the insurance company that I thought it was a scam and I told them what the officer had said and they said they would research it really well. The women are now claiming that (they both have neck and back surgery) I messed up the hardware in their back because I hit them so hard and they both think they will need additional surgeries now! What a load of crap!!!! The insurance company says they are just looking for a payday and they aren’t going to give it to them!!! Haha the scammers lose and I win!

Let’s see…what else has happened…I did finally find Anayah!!! She’ll come home on Labor Day and I’m so excited!! She is a clear red miniature dachshund and she is just beautiful!!! We are still having trouble getting Asher and Elowyn registered as AKC but I think with a little bit of patience it will happen. While I was looking for Anayah I called all over the country to see if people would ship her to me. I called this one lady and she asked me if I had prayed about it yet. I told her no, and she said that God was telling her that I should pray for the right dog to come along and that I would know her when I saw her. So that’ what I started doing. I prayed that God would lead me to the perfect dog. When I said I prayed it wasn’t a quick prayer and that was it. I prayed hard! You see, I miss Hannah so much and I wanted Anayah right then!!! I would have taken the first dog that came my way. But after praying I found this lady that said she had a red one and she sent me pictures and when I first saw her, I thought no this isn’t the one. So I called our old breeder to see if she had any available. I wasn’t planning on buying from her because her puppies are no longer registered AKC but APRI. She did have two so I went out there to look at them. When I saw her I knew instantly which one was mine!!! I paid her the money and now it’s just the waiting game. I had forgotten what Anayah meant (I just love the sound of the name!), so when I got home I looked it up. It means “God Has Answered”!!!! Wow!!! How fitting!!! We serve such a great God!! He answers us in even the smallest of things!

There’s more but I have to jump off here and go babysit. But I will blog again later and finish catching you up on the latest. Got to run. God bless you and keep you safe in His loving hands!!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Ciara's Sick...

It seems like life is always taking twist and turns that are so unexpected. I guess that’s just life though. I suppose that’s a way to keep us on our knees before God always seeking His guidance and His support. As I blogged yesterday, we had the house to ourselves last night. I went for a swim for a little while by myself. When I came back in Ciara was complaining about not feeling good. She said her throat was hurting and she was all stuffy. I didn’t think much of it and we laid on the couch and snuggled for a little while. She went to bed at her regular time and everything seemed fine. I’m not sure what time it was but Ciara woke me up and was crying. At first I thought she had a bad dream, but she leaned over and whispered she was feeling horrible and wanted to know if she could sleep with us. I said sure so I scooted to the middle and let her slide in next to me. Now I have this unusual gift of being able to taste a fever on myself and smelling fever on others (I know it sounds crazy but it’s true). When she laid down I could smell her immediately. I put my hand to her forehead and she was burning hot. We didn’t have a thermometer in the house and I thought about taking her to the hospital I was so worried about her. We didn’t go but I knew there was no way she could go to school with such a high fever. So I gave her some Tylenol and laid back down with her.

I slept in pretty late since I didn’t have to take her to school and the Tylenol helped to bring down her fever. When I got up she was still complaining about her throat so I looked in the back and I thought I saw white pockets on the back of it but I couldn’t be certain because I didn’t have a flashlight to look back there really good. I had to get ready for work and since Danny was home I wasn’t worried about leaving her although I hate to leave her when she’s sick. I had Danny pick up her school work while I went to work. I had so many boxes to unpack it was unbelievable!! Natalie said I could leave early but I didn’t do it because I felt guilty since I have to be gone from work tomorrow for Terry’s funeral. I had told her I could come in first thing in the morning if freight got there early, but then I called Danny and he found the flashlight and looked at the back of her throat and sure enough she has white pockets covering her throat. So I called the doctor and I have an appointment for her first thing in the morning. So that made it to where I couldn’t even go in early to help them out, but Natalie told me she totally understood and that there was no problem with them doing freight tomorrow.

Well Danny just walked through the door so I’m going to jump off of here. Please keep Ciara in your prayers. Also keep Terry’s family and friends in your prayers. I think tomorrow will be a rough day for everyone. Oh, by the way today was my first day not smoking!! I’m back to trying the patch again and I pray it works this time. Also keep that in your prayers, that God would help me to be successful this time around. Also please pray that Danny and I don’t get sick. I’m not feeling so well right now and I’m running a low grade fever myself. The last thing we need is for all of us to get sick! Thank you for your prayers in advance and know I am praying for you as well!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam

Anger Issues....

I went to see Anita today and we had a good visit. She seems to think I’m struggling with some anger issues and she tells me that forgiveness is the key. I must say there are some things that are easier to forgive than others. I know I’m dealing with some unforgiveness in my heart and I’m not sure how to change that. At this point there are things I can’t even pray about because I get angry just thinking about it. I know we are suppose to forgive much because there is much that we have been forgiven. But that is where you know God is God and you are not. What I don’t want is bitterness to creep in where anger has taken root. The other hard thing is I feel that my anger is a righteous one. No I haven’t chosen to act upon it, so I haven’t sinned in my anger but still, it’s something I can’t change so the only person it’s hurting is me. This is something I will have to pray about and ask God to bring forgiveness and peace to my heart. I can’t allow the enemy to have any access to me and in my continued anger that’s what I’m allowing to happen.

I received a text from Michelle today that Terry’s funeral will be this Friday. I will have to take off work to go to the funeral but they’ve already said it would be ok to be off work that day. I think I need to go and pay my respects and I just need additional confirmation that he truly was a Christian. I want to rest in the fact that he is now with our Savior in glory. I would be heartbroken to find out that he wasn’t a Christian with all the opportunities that I had to share the gospel with him. Yes I lived my life as an example but sometimes we have to do more than that. I have come to the conclusion that I am not as outspoken about my Lord as I need to be. I’m not sure how to change this, but I want to live for Him not only by example of my life, but with words from my lips. This is something I will have to pray about and ask God’s help in stepping outside my comfort zone and professing Him as loudly as possible.

Other than that it’s been a relatively calm day. I have felt restless and frazzled today for some reason but the why of it escapes me. I don’t feel calm inside but indifferent. Skyler is over today and he’s set up our printer and fax machine. He’s also piddled on the computers and got them to where they need to be. Typically all we do is feed him dinner because he says that’s payment enough, but this time we’re giving him money because he is trying to earn some to build himself his own computer. We won’t be going to church tonight since Skyler is over. Also Rick and Kathy went home tonight and I think Danny is a little relieved. He says as much as he loves them and appreciates all they do, he was ready to have a night with just the family. Well I guess I better run. I want to look for Aniyah for awhile and see if I can find my new baby. I know she’s out there it’s just a matter of finding her. I think I’m also going to go swimming for awhile. I just need to relax for a little bit. Just know you are in my prayers and I ask you to continue to pray for me. Blessings to you all!!!

Melissa Fitzwilliam