I’m frustrated right now. Very, very frustrated!! And I can’t talk about it!! Why? Because it’s just too personal for a blog or facebook. What I’m realizing is maybe I’ve put too much personal stuff out there on my blog. I don’t know, but something has got to give. I was told before that I put too much information on here and I kind of blew it off, but now I’m having second thoughts. I’m having second thoughts about a lot of things. What? Well, I wonder what is my point on facebook? Am I so self absorbed that I think other people actually care about what happens in my day? And this blog, it’s not impacting anyone, it almost has no purpose other than provide me a place to vent. I’m thinking about canceling the importation from the blog to facebook and maybe put my blog on private. I don’t know. What I do know, is I’m not sure anymore. Maybe this is the depression talking, again I don’t know or maybe I’ve finally gotten fed up with just some little (big to me) things.
I thought I would clear up some questions about my upcoming surgery. There is a clinic down in Florida that does laser surgeries that Tara is going to go to. However, my insurance doesn’t cover it and it’s way too expensive for us to do. The three different doctors that I’ve talked to said it wouldn’t be an option further because my spinal cord is pushed so far to the right that it needs to be surgically repaired. It’s a scary thing to be for sure!!! There are two different options they’ve given to me but they both require surgery. One is an experimental procedure where the spine isn’t fused per say, but manipulated in some way that I would still have total movement but I don’t know if my health care will cover something experimental. He said if the experimental procedure didn’t work they could always go back and fuse it. The other option is to fuse it of course. I think I would like to try the experimental procedure if insurance would cover it, but we are awaiting approval for the surgery right now. They said if I don’t have this surgery it’s just a matter of time before I lose complete function of my right arm and I chance becoming paralyzed if I were to get hit in the head with the way my spinal cord is bent. Yes I’m awfully young to be considering this procedure, however, I’ve sought out three different opinions and they all say the same thing. So there you go! I hope this is a better explanation of the procedure and why I have to have it. I’m very optimistic about it. I will be in the hands of the best doctor in the state of Oklahoma! God will see me through this.
There’s not much other news. I still need to clean my house especially before this surgery, but I’m wondering if I need to go back to Misty and get my medicines tweaked again. I just don’t have the drive to do anything. I did cook for the first time in months the other night and Danny was so excited and that is so very sad. I know he would be super excited to come home to me cleaning rather than me blogging but what’s a girl suppose to do? I’m going to try to quit smoking yet again. I feel like a complete failure every time I pick one up. The doctor’s said I would heal better if I wasn’t smoking and Ciara just begs me to quit. I know it’s bad for me, but I have to tell you I totally believe now (to where I didn’t before) that it is a true addiction. I hate the thought of being addicted to something and letting something else control my life. So here we go again. I’m praying really hard that the Lord delivers me from this and once and for all I can be smoke-free. I have other things weighing heavy on my mind, but again for my sake I won’t share it. I will pray about it instead. I think I know what I should and need to do, now it’s just a matter of doing it. Well Danny’s home so I better get off of here. Blessings to you all!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
This Too Shall Pass
Can I take this first paragraph to just complain? I don’t feel good!!! I haven’t felt good for almost two weeks, if not longer! My stomach hurts me almost all the time now! I’m glad the doctors finally figured out what was going on but now I wonder how long this will last? I’m constantly nauseous and no amount of medicine seems to change that. I’ve stopped throwing up but I still feel like I need to all the time and nausea just wears you out!!! Not only is my stomach bothering me but so is my neck! I have a headache that never seems to go away and sharp pains that shoot down both arms almost constantly. I’m ready for my neck surgery in one breath but in the other one I’m scared to death! A neck fusion is a massive deal! I’m too young to have as many problems as I have! I feel older than what I am and it’s no fun! I haven’t complained near as much as I want to but I’m sure you don’t want to hear me whine through a whole blog, so I’ll stop short of all the things I really want to say.
First things first, we now have a new manager at The Buckle. Her name is Teshina and she is nice enough. However, she’s not Natalie!!! I am already really upset with her and it’s just her first week in! I was late on Friday because I was majorly sick! But I knew I needed to go in so I got up and got myself around. I asked her what time she preferred for me to come in and she said 1:00 and I told her that was fine. Well I ended up getting sicker while I was at work and asked her if I could come in on Saturday to finish doing freight and she said that was fine. So I got up and was at the store around 1:00 and she told me I should have been in when the store opened since she let me go early the day before. So she asks me what she can do to help me be on time. I told her that being on time wasn’t a problem and she said apparently it was since I was late to work two days in a row. I told her I was here at 1:00 and she said I had told her I would be in when the store opened the day before. I don’t remember saying that but whatever! So she decides she needs to put me on probation, it’s called the commitment program, since I was late in her mind. I was so mad! I come in early, stay late, and do things that aren’t on my responsibility and she wants to put me on probation! That’s ridiculous! To say I’m upset is a major understatement!!!! Again she seems nice enough, but I question her ability to be able to lead the team effectively and balance everything that needs to be done at the store. And on top of that she is talking negatively about Natalie and I can’t stand that! Sigh…yes I know more complaining but this just makes me boil!!!
In other news, as most of you now know I spent the better part of last week in the ER at the hospital for severe pains in my stomach. They tried so many different things to help with the nausea and the vomiting but nothing seemed to work. They finally sent me to a GI Specialist where Dr. Bookman did a upper GI endoscopy. What they find when they got inside my stomach was just nasty! My stomach is what they call impacted which means that I have undigested food sitting in my stomach not moving. It keeps the other food from staying down and causes the acid in my stomach to curdle. Gross I know!!! However they were thinking it was a bleeding ulcer which would have been much harder to make go away, so there are blessings in what I have. They have me on so much medication right now it’s not even funny! I think we spent over $100.00 at the pharmacy last week alone! So of the medication helps some of it doesn’t but I take it all the way I’m supposed to. I have to go see Dr. Becker this next week to follow up with him and let him know what Dr. Bookman found. Maybe then he can change up my medicines some so I don’t have to take so many.
In other just wonderful news, I need neck surgery. A neck fusion to be exact. Apparently when I took that fall on the kid’s toy I did a huge number on my neck. C4 is bulging pretty badly and C5 is completely herniated on the side and in the back and is causing my spinal cord to curve to the right pretty badly. The doctor’s are saying that a neck fusion is my only option at this point in time. I don’t know which levels they are going to fuse yet but I go to Dr. Kelly tomorrow to find out and to schedule surgery. I’m hoping to get it done as soon as possible so I can be up and around for the holidays! It makes me just want to kick myself for ever climbing on that toy!!! Now I have headaches constantly and pains that shoot down my arms and into my hands. Last night was a miserable night because I couldn’t get past the pain to go to sleep. I ended up going to sleep on the couch (didn’t want to keep Danny up with all my tossing and turning) around 3:00 and slept there for a few hours. I finally woke up and went back to bed and at some point we lost power. I was supposed to teach the kids today at church but my alarm never went off to get me up so I overslept so late that church had already started when I finally woke up. Sigh…not the way I wanted to start my day!!!
The house is a complete mess and I can’t get any help keeping it clean and with me being sick here lately it’s the last thing I wanted to do! Besides that I’ve been down here lately and all I can think it would be is my depression. Misty changed my medicines and Danny said he’s noticed that I’ve been regressing again. I don’t cook, I don’t clean because frankly, I don’t care! The girls are embarrassed to have anyone come over to the house and I don’t blame them. I’m embarrassed about my house but still can’t bring myself to clean it. I look around here and all I want to do is cry! I’ve got to shake this and just get up and start cleaning. I just don’t want to! Anymore I don’t want to do anything!!!! So it has to be my depression! I wish I could go back to where I was a year ago and my house was almost spotless!! When Brenna lived with us all I did was clean and cook! I was happier then, but I don’t know why. This depression seems to come in waves. I cycle on it and right now I happen to be in a bad place.
Other than that things are ok I guess. Shay turned 18 and I cried like a baby that day! Ciara is fixing to turn 13 and it blows my mind!! So much change and I’m just not ready for it! Right now Danny’s out of work because a guy hit our trailer and destroyed it and now we’re waiting for insurance to come through and fix it. It’s been stressful. There have been more downs than ups lately and they are taking their toll on me. We’re both feeling the stress and that makes us both very grumpy people. I wish I could sit here and write about how wonderful things are but that would just be a lie. Things aren’t great but I know God is good all the time. I’m trying to praise Him in all things but it’s not easy right now. I pray all of you are doing better than me. I pray for you all daily! I pray His mighty hand will pull me out of this funk that I’m in right now. I know He has only good planned for me, but there are times I just don’t see how this road I’m on is for my best. Yes, I question Him and I shouldn’t!!! I just pray this is a passing phase. Yes, this too shall pass! Just not soon enough for me!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
First things first, we now have a new manager at The Buckle. Her name is Teshina and she is nice enough. However, she’s not Natalie!!! I am already really upset with her and it’s just her first week in! I was late on Friday because I was majorly sick! But I knew I needed to go in so I got up and got myself around. I asked her what time she preferred for me to come in and she said 1:00 and I told her that was fine. Well I ended up getting sicker while I was at work and asked her if I could come in on Saturday to finish doing freight and she said that was fine. So I got up and was at the store around 1:00 and she told me I should have been in when the store opened since she let me go early the day before. So she asks me what she can do to help me be on time. I told her that being on time wasn’t a problem and she said apparently it was since I was late to work two days in a row. I told her I was here at 1:00 and she said I had told her I would be in when the store opened the day before. I don’t remember saying that but whatever! So she decides she needs to put me on probation, it’s called the commitment program, since I was late in her mind. I was so mad! I come in early, stay late, and do things that aren’t on my responsibility and she wants to put me on probation! That’s ridiculous! To say I’m upset is a major understatement!!!! Again she seems nice enough, but I question her ability to be able to lead the team effectively and balance everything that needs to be done at the store. And on top of that she is talking negatively about Natalie and I can’t stand that! Sigh…yes I know more complaining but this just makes me boil!!!
In other news, as most of you now know I spent the better part of last week in the ER at the hospital for severe pains in my stomach. They tried so many different things to help with the nausea and the vomiting but nothing seemed to work. They finally sent me to a GI Specialist where Dr. Bookman did a upper GI endoscopy. What they find when they got inside my stomach was just nasty! My stomach is what they call impacted which means that I have undigested food sitting in my stomach not moving. It keeps the other food from staying down and causes the acid in my stomach to curdle. Gross I know!!! However they were thinking it was a bleeding ulcer which would have been much harder to make go away, so there are blessings in what I have. They have me on so much medication right now it’s not even funny! I think we spent over $100.00 at the pharmacy last week alone! So of the medication helps some of it doesn’t but I take it all the way I’m supposed to. I have to go see Dr. Becker this next week to follow up with him and let him know what Dr. Bookman found. Maybe then he can change up my medicines some so I don’t have to take so many.
In other just wonderful news, I need neck surgery. A neck fusion to be exact. Apparently when I took that fall on the kid’s toy I did a huge number on my neck. C4 is bulging pretty badly and C5 is completely herniated on the side and in the back and is causing my spinal cord to curve to the right pretty badly. The doctor’s are saying that a neck fusion is my only option at this point in time. I don’t know which levels they are going to fuse yet but I go to Dr. Kelly tomorrow to find out and to schedule surgery. I’m hoping to get it done as soon as possible so I can be up and around for the holidays! It makes me just want to kick myself for ever climbing on that toy!!! Now I have headaches constantly and pains that shoot down my arms and into my hands. Last night was a miserable night because I couldn’t get past the pain to go to sleep. I ended up going to sleep on the couch (didn’t want to keep Danny up with all my tossing and turning) around 3:00 and slept there for a few hours. I finally woke up and went back to bed and at some point we lost power. I was supposed to teach the kids today at church but my alarm never went off to get me up so I overslept so late that church had already started when I finally woke up. Sigh…not the way I wanted to start my day!!!
The house is a complete mess and I can’t get any help keeping it clean and with me being sick here lately it’s the last thing I wanted to do! Besides that I’ve been down here lately and all I can think it would be is my depression. Misty changed my medicines and Danny said he’s noticed that I’ve been regressing again. I don’t cook, I don’t clean because frankly, I don’t care! The girls are embarrassed to have anyone come over to the house and I don’t blame them. I’m embarrassed about my house but still can’t bring myself to clean it. I look around here and all I want to do is cry! I’ve got to shake this and just get up and start cleaning. I just don’t want to! Anymore I don’t want to do anything!!!! So it has to be my depression! I wish I could go back to where I was a year ago and my house was almost spotless!! When Brenna lived with us all I did was clean and cook! I was happier then, but I don’t know why. This depression seems to come in waves. I cycle on it and right now I happen to be in a bad place.
Other than that things are ok I guess. Shay turned 18 and I cried like a baby that day! Ciara is fixing to turn 13 and it blows my mind!! So much change and I’m just not ready for it! Right now Danny’s out of work because a guy hit our trailer and destroyed it and now we’re waiting for insurance to come through and fix it. It’s been stressful. There have been more downs than ups lately and they are taking their toll on me. We’re both feeling the stress and that makes us both very grumpy people. I wish I could sit here and write about how wonderful things are but that would just be a lie. Things aren’t great but I know God is good all the time. I’m trying to praise Him in all things but it’s not easy right now. I pray all of you are doing better than me. I pray for you all daily! I pray His mighty hand will pull me out of this funk that I’m in right now. I know He has only good planned for me, but there are times I just don’t see how this road I’m on is for my best. Yes, I question Him and I shouldn’t!!! I just pray this is a passing phase. Yes, this too shall pass! Just not soon enough for me!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Saturday, September 25, 2010
That's Why You Are You!
How can be surrounded by people and feel so alone, I’ve lost my way with no way to get back home. I’m just a shadow in a sea of people, no greatness is found in me. I live as a whisp of what I could really be. The wind tosses me to and fro making me lose sight of the way I must go. I am among the least in life. Forever burdened with great strife. I feel as though I’m broken in pieces; never finding that which releases. Melancholy, apathetic, and rebellious too; forever doing that which I must not do. A murderess, a thief, a liar abounds; no goodness within me can be found. A cheater, prideful, and full of vanity; all of this lies in the heart of me. Hateful, ungrateful, and jealousy is all that which encompasses me. I as wretched of a sinner that You could find, so what caused You to save this life of mine? Yes, I’m even wicked to my very core, yet I am the one that You adore. So what could You possibly see in me that You would be willing to die for me? What kind of love do You possess that You would give it all for my happiness? The answer to in all lies in Your redeeming grace, for it’s Your mercy that truly saves. So I may be surrounded but I’m never alone, because You will forever be my home. I’m a shining light in Your sea of people, for greatness You find in me. For in You alone I can be all I was meant to be. The wind might toss me to and fro, but You will always show me which way to go. No longer am I the least in life, forever You save me from my great strife. I must be broken to pieces so You can build me into more of You, then I will find all that releases for that is what You do. And I while I’m wretched and a sinner too, that’s why You love me, that’s why You are You!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Melissa Fitzwilliam
The House is Overwhelming Me!!!
I feel so overwhelmed! I’m sitting at home today and chaos surrounds me. My house is such a mess that it embarrasses me. I can’t seem to find that “get up and go” that I need to find to get it clean. I look around and tiredness just creeps in. I feel defeated and I haven’t even started. The problem is, is it’s so bad I don’t even know where to start. I remember when I would clean a little bit every day and the house seemed to stay pretty nice. It’s not even like I can blame it on work because I only work about four to five hours a day then I come back home. I can’t say that I’m depressed, but something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on it. I’m not cooking anymore like when the depression started and I have the energy, but not the “want to”. I feel like I’m being so selfish right now, but in the same sense I feel like everyone else should be helping. Sigh… I’m not sure what the answer is but something’s got to give!
I went to both of my doctors this week and had all of my check-ups. Misty is my physiatrist and she did an overhaul on my medicines. I was on Abilify and Cymbalta and they are notorious for causing weight gain. I’ve gained forty pounds in a year and I’m no longer at a healthy weight. I had told her I would stay on the medicines for mental wellness as long as I could stay at a healthy weight and it’s just not happening. No matter what I do I keep gaining and not finding that point when you finally stop gaining and kind of maintain a certain weight. No, I’m gaining and gaining. So she cut me back half on the Abilify and she said that should help with the bad dreams and the mini-amnesia I’m having. She’s taking me off of Cymbalta altogether and putting me on something called Luvox. The Luvox makes you sleepy at night so I’m finally sleeping without any type of crazy dreams or nightmares. This is such a relief! She said I should start to notice weight dropping off right away and I sure hope so.
I also went to see Dr. Becker, my primary doctor, to get a complete blood work up done. High cholesterol, diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc. run in my family so it’s important that I get these checked every year. I also had him check my thyroid just in case it wasn’t the medicine that was making me gain all this weight. All the results came back perfect!!! My liver function and kidney function is perfect, my thyroid is working wonderfully, and all the numbers on cholesterol and triglycerides are right where they should be. He said I couldn’t have asked for better numbers. I did tell him about the increase in headaches and about my fall on the kids ride. He shook his head and laughed but he also ordered an MRI saying that I definitely have whiplash, and we need to see if it messed up any more of the disc in my neck. So I go for the MRI on Monday and after they get the report back I will go see Dr. Meyers, my pain specialist, to see if I can start the neck injections again. Dr. Becker said that at the moment I am one solid muscle spasm in my neck and back and that’s what’s causing the headaches. He doesn’t think the muscle relaxers will help because of the injury and then he told me to say off toys!!! So much for being young at heart!
Last night I went to the fair again, but this time I went with my mom, grandma, CC, and her two cousins. We had a good time but I really missed Danny being there. He didn’t go because 1) he had work to do and 2) he wasn’t invited!!! My mom and grandma really need to change their hearts toward him. He is a good man and is wonderful to me and Ciara. I just don’t understand why they can’t accept our marriage and him and show him the love he deserves. The good news is he didn’t really want to go last night, he says one time at the fair a year is enough for him! I was hoping to go with all the girls this year, but the money just wasn’t there. The fair has gotten so expensive!!! The food is good but it’s outrageous what you have to spend on it. Mom said that she would pay for everything last night, but Danny gave me some money so I could pay my own way. I hate being dependent on her for everything so I bought what I could, but she did pay for some. Grandma had to be pushed around in the wheelchair so we all took turns doing that. I walked my poor little feet off!!! I followed the girls around to all the rides and made sure they got on and off ok and that no one messed with them in the lines. Mom told me that’s why she needed me there so she could have help watching them. So for the most part mom and grandma relaxed at a table and I walked around with the girls. It was a good time, but I can honestly say I’m done with the fair this year.
My job has been going ok. We have a temporary manager in place at the moment and if she stays I think it would be great. Her name is Tashina, and she has the sweetest personality. Now mind you she’s not Natalie, but she is very likeable and nice. She always compliments me on the work I do and really seems to notice how hard I work when I’m there. I’m going in early Monday morning to vacuum the whole store again because it looks like a mess right now. The night crew just isn’t doing the job they need to do and it may be of time restraints on when they need to leave. I also cleaned the backroom again on Friday, including the bathroom (yuck!), and wiped it down and vacuumed it. They say I’m really fast at freight so I feel like I have job security lol. Danny’s job is going ok too. We finally have some jobs coming in but the money just isn’t coming in as fast as it’s going out. We had a major headache this past week with one of the credit card companies that was enough to make me want to move my account elsewhere. We gave Rick the credit card so he could fill up with diesel and they rejected it because I had just filled up with gas right before him. The credit card company was saying it was a fraudulent charge and I was telling them it wasn’t!!! They said they would have to talk to Danny since it was his card and he was the main person on the account. I was fuming mad!!! Anyway I finally took went down there and found out Rick and Kathy were being detained by the security guards and when I showed them my id and my credit card they released them. It was so embarrassing!!!!
Other than that I need to get off here and clean my house. I still don’t want to but it’s not going to clean itself and I’m still looking for that elusive cleaning fairy (right Elaine!!!). I did forget to tell you I’m starting the new HCG diet where you take a pregnancy hormone and it’s suppose to drop weight off you really fast!!! I’m excited about it but I’m wondering what I’m going to do with all these new jeans I’ve bought! We have a lady that alters clothes for us and that’s what I may have to have done. Anyway the thought of losing weight is exciting!! I still haven’t given up on quitting smoking it’s just harder than I ever realized. Please pray that God takes the desire completely away and that I’ll finally be able to kick this habit!! I pray for you all daily! I pray that God shows Himself to you today in a special way and that you can feel His love just pouring over you. Sorry this was so long but I guess I didn’t realize how much I had to tell you!!! Grace and peace be with you. Please pray for us also!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I went to both of my doctors this week and had all of my check-ups. Misty is my physiatrist and she did an overhaul on my medicines. I was on Abilify and Cymbalta and they are notorious for causing weight gain. I’ve gained forty pounds in a year and I’m no longer at a healthy weight. I had told her I would stay on the medicines for mental wellness as long as I could stay at a healthy weight and it’s just not happening. No matter what I do I keep gaining and not finding that point when you finally stop gaining and kind of maintain a certain weight. No, I’m gaining and gaining. So she cut me back half on the Abilify and she said that should help with the bad dreams and the mini-amnesia I’m having. She’s taking me off of Cymbalta altogether and putting me on something called Luvox. The Luvox makes you sleepy at night so I’m finally sleeping without any type of crazy dreams or nightmares. This is such a relief! She said I should start to notice weight dropping off right away and I sure hope so.
I also went to see Dr. Becker, my primary doctor, to get a complete blood work up done. High cholesterol, diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc. run in my family so it’s important that I get these checked every year. I also had him check my thyroid just in case it wasn’t the medicine that was making me gain all this weight. All the results came back perfect!!! My liver function and kidney function is perfect, my thyroid is working wonderfully, and all the numbers on cholesterol and triglycerides are right where they should be. He said I couldn’t have asked for better numbers. I did tell him about the increase in headaches and about my fall on the kids ride. He shook his head and laughed but he also ordered an MRI saying that I definitely have whiplash, and we need to see if it messed up any more of the disc in my neck. So I go for the MRI on Monday and after they get the report back I will go see Dr. Meyers, my pain specialist, to see if I can start the neck injections again. Dr. Becker said that at the moment I am one solid muscle spasm in my neck and back and that’s what’s causing the headaches. He doesn’t think the muscle relaxers will help because of the injury and then he told me to say off toys!!! So much for being young at heart!
Last night I went to the fair again, but this time I went with my mom, grandma, CC, and her two cousins. We had a good time but I really missed Danny being there. He didn’t go because 1) he had work to do and 2) he wasn’t invited!!! My mom and grandma really need to change their hearts toward him. He is a good man and is wonderful to me and Ciara. I just don’t understand why they can’t accept our marriage and him and show him the love he deserves. The good news is he didn’t really want to go last night, he says one time at the fair a year is enough for him! I was hoping to go with all the girls this year, but the money just wasn’t there. The fair has gotten so expensive!!! The food is good but it’s outrageous what you have to spend on it. Mom said that she would pay for everything last night, but Danny gave me some money so I could pay my own way. I hate being dependent on her for everything so I bought what I could, but she did pay for some. Grandma had to be pushed around in the wheelchair so we all took turns doing that. I walked my poor little feet off!!! I followed the girls around to all the rides and made sure they got on and off ok and that no one messed with them in the lines. Mom told me that’s why she needed me there so she could have help watching them. So for the most part mom and grandma relaxed at a table and I walked around with the girls. It was a good time, but I can honestly say I’m done with the fair this year.
My job has been going ok. We have a temporary manager in place at the moment and if she stays I think it would be great. Her name is Tashina, and she has the sweetest personality. Now mind you she’s not Natalie, but she is very likeable and nice. She always compliments me on the work I do and really seems to notice how hard I work when I’m there. I’m going in early Monday morning to vacuum the whole store again because it looks like a mess right now. The night crew just isn’t doing the job they need to do and it may be of time restraints on when they need to leave. I also cleaned the backroom again on Friday, including the bathroom (yuck!), and wiped it down and vacuumed it. They say I’m really fast at freight so I feel like I have job security lol. Danny’s job is going ok too. We finally have some jobs coming in but the money just isn’t coming in as fast as it’s going out. We had a major headache this past week with one of the credit card companies that was enough to make me want to move my account elsewhere. We gave Rick the credit card so he could fill up with diesel and they rejected it because I had just filled up with gas right before him. The credit card company was saying it was a fraudulent charge and I was telling them it wasn’t!!! They said they would have to talk to Danny since it was his card and he was the main person on the account. I was fuming mad!!! Anyway I finally took went down there and found out Rick and Kathy were being detained by the security guards and when I showed them my id and my credit card they released them. It was so embarrassing!!!!
Other than that I need to get off here and clean my house. I still don’t want to but it’s not going to clean itself and I’m still looking for that elusive cleaning fairy (right Elaine!!!). I did forget to tell you I’m starting the new HCG diet where you take a pregnancy hormone and it’s suppose to drop weight off you really fast!!! I’m excited about it but I’m wondering what I’m going to do with all these new jeans I’ve bought! We have a lady that alters clothes for us and that’s what I may have to have done. Anyway the thought of losing weight is exciting!! I still haven’t given up on quitting smoking it’s just harder than I ever realized. Please pray that God takes the desire completely away and that I’ll finally be able to kick this habit!! I pray for you all daily! I pray that God shows Himself to you today in a special way and that you can feel His love just pouring over you. Sorry this was so long but I guess I didn’t realize how much I had to tell you!!! Grace and peace be with you. Please pray for us also!!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Monday, September 20, 2010
God's Gift of a Job
I'm sitting here riding down the road with much on my mind. There's a sense of comfort as Danny lies next to my arm as we cuddle in the sleeper of he truck. I got up way too early this morning (3:30)and I'm tired but I can't sleep. Blame it on foo much coffee if you will but in a way I'm restless. I'm not sure why but I think I could know the cause. I'm getting really nervous about the doctor's results, the upcoming visits, and the possiblity of changing my depression medicine. I know God has everything under control and that I shouldn't worry T all but I can't seem to help myself. I've heard it said many times "let go and let God" but that's easier said than done. I've ealso heard it said that rarely does your worst expectation come to fruition, but I still can't help but have a little anxiety about it.
I'm notnsure what today will hold besides a lot of driving. We are making a trip to the Arkansas border to drop off q laid of highway dividers. The Lord provided this job for us and we are very excited! We thought the dump trucks would see more work but it's been too wet for them to work. At least with this job you can haul whether it's raining or not! This is a good thing since we are getting rain this next week. The other thing is we need money comng in badly! I pray the Lrd gives us more work than we can handle!
Well this is a short one because I'm getting carsick as I'm typing this going down the road. If time permits I'll get back on later and let you know how the day went! My prayers are with you all!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
I'm notnsure what today will hold besides a lot of driving. We are making a trip to the Arkansas border to drop off q laid of highway dividers. The Lord provided this job for us and we are very excited! We thought the dump trucks would see more work but it's been too wet for them to work. At least with this job you can haul whether it's raining or not! This is a good thing since we are getting rain this next week. The other thing is we need money comng in badly! I pray the Lrd gives us more work than we can handle!
Well this is a short one because I'm getting carsick as I'm typing this going down the road. If time permits I'll get back on later and let you know how the day went! My prayers are with you all!!!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Write Me A New Love Song...
Write me a new love song.
Sing to me gently.
Walk with me always.
Tell that You love me.
I remember the days I was so in love with You.
Now I’ve wandered afar and I don’t know how to get back to You.
I remember the sweetness of Your embrace,
Reading Your Word so I could see You face to face.
Why did I travel away from You?
I know that’s never what I should do.
The Words You whisper to me are oh so sweet.
I’m so love sick I drop to my knees.
You are the air I need to breathe.
You cleanse me from what lies underneath.
Amazing is Your love for me.
I often wonder how it could be.
I need Your grace so that I might live.
I long for the peace You freely give.
You pour Your mercy down on me
How great is my Lord and how awesome is He
I write to You a new love song
I will sing it to You gently
I will walk with You always
As You tell me how much You love me
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Sing to me gently.
Walk with me always.
Tell that You love me.
I remember the days I was so in love with You.
Now I’ve wandered afar and I don’t know how to get back to You.
I remember the sweetness of Your embrace,
Reading Your Word so I could see You face to face.
Why did I travel away from You?
I know that’s never what I should do.
The Words You whisper to me are oh so sweet.
I’m so love sick I drop to my knees.
You are the air I need to breathe.
You cleanse me from what lies underneath.
Amazing is Your love for me.
I often wonder how it could be.
I need Your grace so that I might live.
I long for the peace You freely give.
You pour Your mercy down on me
How great is my Lord and how awesome is He
I write to You a new love song
I will sing it to You gently
I will walk with You always
As You tell me how much You love me
Melissa Fitzwilliam
Build Your House on The Rock!
Well I went to my first doctor’s appointment to check on the growth of my pre-cancer cell growth, if there is any or if the pre-cancer cells are gone. I’m praying for a good outcome since last year they seemed to be eradicated. However, that’s not to say I’m not nervous about this year’s test results. If I get a clean bill of health then I won’t have to go for another check up for three years which is exciting! But if the abnormal cell growth has started again we are going to have to start looking at other options. It will mean the D&C only worked temporarily and I’m not sure what my next option would be. I have been praying hard core about this. I’m tired of biopsies and the continuous checkups but it’s not like I can’t have them. To do that would be sticking my head in the sand and possibly bringing me to the point of chemo and radiation which is the last thing I want. It is a very real threat! So please pray with me that there is no new growth but most importantly that God’s will be worked out in my life.
In other news, Friday night Danny and I (with Rick and Kathy) went to the state fair. We always go back there because it’s where we first met and where we got engaged. I can’t believe it’s been eleven years! In some ways the years have flown by in and other ways crawled by, both in good ways and in bad ways. We have made it through more stuff than most couples I know. Our marriage is strong and still filled with the same love. I guess it’s not the same love because we are stronger now than we’ve ever been. That’s not to say it hasn’t had its complications but we have weathered the storms and come out on the shining side. Some people have regrets of some sorts, but not me. He still gives me butterflies after all these years! I know I am a very blessed person to have him in my life. God never ceases to amaze me, that He could make a love as strong as ours. We are truly soul mates. We had a great time at the fair and had way too much food, but the point in going is to remember the love we found.
Saturday was an action packed day. Ciara had a volleyball tournament that lasted most of the day. I got up early and ran to Wal-Mart to buy various fruits for the girls to snack on during the day. I bought way too much and ended up taking it with me to church today. Ciara played well even though she missed all but one practice this past week because she was sick. She’s got a nasty floor burn on her knee when she was diving for the ball and forgot to pull up her knee pads. The girls have a phenomenal coach! Jean, our pastor’s wife, coaches them and she is such an encouraging coach even when they are playing badly. They only won one game but I think they did good considering they are a first year team. The school has never had a volleyball team before so they are all still young in their learning. Ciara seems to really enjoy it and has already said she’s going out for the team again next year. She did get pretty bummed because her dad didn’t come to the games. He has yet to come to one of her games and it really hurts her. However, me, my mom, and grandma were there to cheer her on and that seemed to make it better. My ex-husband decided to go to a football game instead and Ciara said that let her know where she stood with him. My heart went out to her as she cried her tears. There wasn’t much I could do for her, but let her know she had every right to be mad and sad and that there was no shame in her tears. She did perk up as the night wore on and she ended up staying the night with us because my ex went out and partied after the game. He’ll regret all these things he’s missed one day.
As for today, I’m not sure what it’s going to hold. We went to church this morning and had a great teaching lesson. Don taught out of Matthew 7:24-29. Where do we build our house? Are we like the wise man who built his house on The Rock, or the foolish man who built his house on the sand? I’ve heard this passage taught so many times, but never before like it was taught today. It was profound! We are going to be studying Matthew 5-7, The Sermon on the Mount, for an indefinite time and trying to memorize the entire section! A hard thing to do, but doable with God. I learned much today and was touched deeply. God continues to work on me and teach me new things daily. I guess that’s what should happen as you walk with Him. The one thing that saddens me is I’m not the devoted child of God that I should be. I still live in rebellion, I don’t do my daily study time, and I put Him on the back burner too much. I take for granted that He will be there when I’m ready to come to Him, rather than staying with Him throughout the day and letting Him handle everything that comes my way. I prayed today that God would begin a new work in me and to set me afire again. I want to burn with a passion that is unquenchable! I want to be so totally in love with Him that I can’t breathe without Him. All these things I desire to be, but He won’t do it alone. I must come to Him, emptied of myself, and willing to be filled with all of Him.
Well I’m pretty sure I’ll get back on here and write again today, but for the moment I need to go get me some lunch. Danny is sick again today. He woke up throwing up so I’m assuming he has some stomach bug. That man is sick more than any other person I know! It may be nerves because the work is slow coming in and we’ve about depleted our bank account . So please pray with us that the Lord will provide us with work, more than we can handle! Pray He pours out His blessings upon us to where our cup runs over. Also be in prayer for me because I go back to my other doctors this week with the possibility of changing my depression medicine. I am certain I want to be off of one of my prescriptions because it’s making me gain so much weight. It’s an unhealthy weight! So pray that the depression doesn’t come on strong but that the Lord would deliver me from it. Pray the doctor can find the right combination of medicine to make me not depressed, yet still at a healthy weight. Thank you for your prayers in advance and know that I pray for you as well. Also if you have prayer request let me know so I can lift them up for you and if you want I’ll put them on our church’s prayer list. Be strong in Him and keep the faith. Don’t live your life for today, but live it as though you are reaching for eternity. Live and love in Him and may you be the richer for it!!! Peace and grace be with you!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
In other news, Friday night Danny and I (with Rick and Kathy) went to the state fair. We always go back there because it’s where we first met and where we got engaged. I can’t believe it’s been eleven years! In some ways the years have flown by in and other ways crawled by, both in good ways and in bad ways. We have made it through more stuff than most couples I know. Our marriage is strong and still filled with the same love. I guess it’s not the same love because we are stronger now than we’ve ever been. That’s not to say it hasn’t had its complications but we have weathered the storms and come out on the shining side. Some people have regrets of some sorts, but not me. He still gives me butterflies after all these years! I know I am a very blessed person to have him in my life. God never ceases to amaze me, that He could make a love as strong as ours. We are truly soul mates. We had a great time at the fair and had way too much food, but the point in going is to remember the love we found.
Saturday was an action packed day. Ciara had a volleyball tournament that lasted most of the day. I got up early and ran to Wal-Mart to buy various fruits for the girls to snack on during the day. I bought way too much and ended up taking it with me to church today. Ciara played well even though she missed all but one practice this past week because she was sick. She’s got a nasty floor burn on her knee when she was diving for the ball and forgot to pull up her knee pads. The girls have a phenomenal coach! Jean, our pastor’s wife, coaches them and she is such an encouraging coach even when they are playing badly. They only won one game but I think they did good considering they are a first year team. The school has never had a volleyball team before so they are all still young in their learning. Ciara seems to really enjoy it and has already said she’s going out for the team again next year. She did get pretty bummed because her dad didn’t come to the games. He has yet to come to one of her games and it really hurts her. However, me, my mom, and grandma were there to cheer her on and that seemed to make it better. My ex-husband decided to go to a football game instead and Ciara said that let her know where she stood with him. My heart went out to her as she cried her tears. There wasn’t much I could do for her, but let her know she had every right to be mad and sad and that there was no shame in her tears. She did perk up as the night wore on and she ended up staying the night with us because my ex went out and partied after the game. He’ll regret all these things he’s missed one day.
As for today, I’m not sure what it’s going to hold. We went to church this morning and had a great teaching lesson. Don taught out of Matthew 7:24-29. Where do we build our house? Are we like the wise man who built his house on The Rock, or the foolish man who built his house on the sand? I’ve heard this passage taught so many times, but never before like it was taught today. It was profound! We are going to be studying Matthew 5-7, The Sermon on the Mount, for an indefinite time and trying to memorize the entire section! A hard thing to do, but doable with God. I learned much today and was touched deeply. God continues to work on me and teach me new things daily. I guess that’s what should happen as you walk with Him. The one thing that saddens me is I’m not the devoted child of God that I should be. I still live in rebellion, I don’t do my daily study time, and I put Him on the back burner too much. I take for granted that He will be there when I’m ready to come to Him, rather than staying with Him throughout the day and letting Him handle everything that comes my way. I prayed today that God would begin a new work in me and to set me afire again. I want to burn with a passion that is unquenchable! I want to be so totally in love with Him that I can’t breathe without Him. All these things I desire to be, but He won’t do it alone. I must come to Him, emptied of myself, and willing to be filled with all of Him.
Well I’m pretty sure I’ll get back on here and write again today, but for the moment I need to go get me some lunch. Danny is sick again today. He woke up throwing up so I’m assuming he has some stomach bug. That man is sick more than any other person I know! It may be nerves because the work is slow coming in and we’ve about depleted our bank account . So please pray with us that the Lord will provide us with work, more than we can handle! Pray He pours out His blessings upon us to where our cup runs over. Also be in prayer for me because I go back to my other doctors this week with the possibility of changing my depression medicine. I am certain I want to be off of one of my prescriptions because it’s making me gain so much weight. It’s an unhealthy weight! So pray that the depression doesn’t come on strong but that the Lord would deliver me from it. Pray the doctor can find the right combination of medicine to make me not depressed, yet still at a healthy weight. Thank you for your prayers in advance and know that I pray for you as well. Also if you have prayer request let me know so I can lift them up for you and if you want I’ll put them on our church’s prayer list. Be strong in Him and keep the faith. Don’t live your life for today, but live it as though you are reaching for eternity. Live and love in Him and may you be the richer for it!!! Peace and grace be with you!
Melissa Fitzwilliam
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